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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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hopefulkate posted 10/14/2017 11:38 AM

Ok I need to vent a little more. I have to financially take care of my mom and sis. I have a meeting this week with the accountant -who I know outright lies to me -but who I have to play nice with or they don't get me the resources I need to support them; again, they are borderline mentally challenged. Just enough over where I have to do (no, choose to) do most things for them, but not enough where the rest of the family does not view me as using them and too bossy because they fucking lie ALL the time and can fake sanity for about an hour at a time/ just enough to make me look insane. (Actually, this mentality has recently changed but the scars are deep so I am just angry venting today. The family has become appreciative, finally, of the sacrifices I have and continue to make. Yes yes, working on not caring about them. Getting closer, believe it or not!)

But all of it is so overwhelming at times! THe A takes root and makes all of this so hard sometimes. My mom's brother, who is one of my abusers, continues to drag her into this sick emotionally abusive relationship because he is NPD and she is a people pleaser and I will not have anything to do with him. This makes her sad-even though I told her why I hate him. And I am still "sick" enough to hate whenever she is sad because she is not mentally well enough to get why I hate her groping fucked up brother!!!

Ok sorry. I need to get this out. There is a lot more. And perhaps I need to turn this around to start being grateful. I think that will help. But I usually need to just scream first before I can get to the healthy thoughts. Anyone else??

Where is the angry psycho screaming emoji? I want to use that one. You know, the one that looks like a raging toddler? Because that is how emotionally old I am right now. I want to push my 1 year old to the side as she yells at us for not giving her the sharp knives, and tell her to "hold my beer" as I show her what a real tantrum looks like

Ok...done now????

Or....see you soon.


Oh right - I forgot why I needed to vent. All of these people make me feel guilty for going back to work. So I try not to, but who can actually do this? So they offered to pay me to stay home- but not at all enough to actually support me, so when I have to decline it, I will be seen as greedy, when I just want to feed my family and get them health insurance - which as of yesterday we don't have for some reason and we only found out about it as mrkates dr diagnosed him the a "predicting condition".


F it is just hard some days. That's all.

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 11:45 AM, October 14th (Saturday)]

Lavender0916 posted 10/14/2017 18:40 PM

Hi DM, So glad you are out there :)

Guys Night Out at the Strippers. Instead of being insulted, he nodded, said that while the company culture didn't seem to lean in that direction, he had had the same thought and had already rehearsed how to say I've got other plans. A conversation that I can't even imagine us having 5+ years ago.

I wait patiently. Can't even picture this for my WH right now. Although we are working on a plan for when he starts working in the city again soon, so I feel safe. Especially these last several days I have been depressed. Mostly on the fact he was such a good liar, is he still lying?? So far the facts say no and the proof he provides but I am just currently in pain and "it is what it is". He asked what else he can do to help me. I explained to him how hard this is and he just listens. (that never happened either). He always wants to fix me feeling sad. He cannot FIX THIS!! Not sure if other Survivor's WH flirted with women prior. My WH was or still is a huge flirt. Worse that he is a bartender. I don't know why I felt his comments were "OK" before. But even last night my 6 year old daughter was wearing a cute little skirt and my husband tells this lady at the bar (a friend of mine) that he would like to see her in it. WTF? She ignored him. It kills me to see women fall for it!!When the comments themselves are degrading and disrespectful. When I call him on it, he says it comes from is Dad. I am so surprised no one has slugged him yet. Namely me. There goes that comment from DM again that I so adore.
"first IC meeting - lying cheater, 2nd IC man of integrity," it just isn't.
Man of integrity will be a while.


Yesterday MrKate remarked how he hates I have to take care of him .... blah blah shame cycle ball...
Which is the EXACT thinking that caused him to start texting AP. He didn't want to "bother" me anymore, so he thought he was smart in making a new friend to hear him vent. That ended well...💣🔥

Hopeful, yep - I can totally relate to this!! My WH comment for avoiding therapy for the last 5 years. Take care of yourself and the children first. Not me. HA! Then met the AP and said, I can tell her things I can't tell my "guy" friends. Tried to put it on me that I have friends I can talk to about him, or my issues and he doesn't. He finally has a friend he can talk too. MAN!! Which leads me to a question to the group. Is it common for Survivors to not have friends? Real friends; especially of the same sex. My WH has 2 very close guy friends, but would never confide in them...why? He used to tell me its a guy thing...Bullshit. I have girlfriends, but I know I have 4 in particular I can talk to about anything and everything.

Hopeful, I don't scream first, I just have an anxiety attack and cry. Drink 3 glasses of wine and then take the bull by the horns. It's healthier to scream. I was told not to be mad or angry growing up; Need to suppress anger etc. Heaven forbid I get angry at an adult. Always my fault.

I have to financially take care of my mom and sis

Hopeful, Do you HAVE to? What would happen if you stopped? I noticed you also wrote they don't get me the resources I need to support them. That is very painful. I remember a time I exhausted myself with my Mom and finally stepped away. I called on holidays, birthdays, a couple in between but not much. Thank goodness for internet and email. Regardless, I was her only daughter too. I stepped away and took the time to learn she could not hurt me anymore. When i did that, I could see her more often and talk to her more. The timing was perfect because that was when she told me she had leukemia and I could actually be there for her and tied up in the emotional abusive past. She never did change and still emotionally abusive but not so much with her grandkids around and no booze. She would get that way, I wouldn't respond and just leave her place and go back to my Dads. Comment to him why I was home early and go about our business. It was amazing.

I think Hopeful mentioned this in a previous post. About knowing what feelings are to MrKate. I want to ask is he part American Indian? My WH has a percentage of American Indian. He said he could see "colors". That my dear is Chakras. Which is an amazing gift. During the A my WH stopped talking about the "colors". I could be wrong about MrKate, but my WH it was Chakras. Crazy. A week or so ago I prayed to a dear friend of ours to help Michael. She was a PhD in Psychology and my WH called her his Mom. She passed in 2008. The next day he dreamt about her. I asked about the dream and she said "she was proud of him" and kept swinging on a playground swing. (She loved the swings) I asked how he felt and he described this horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach and this ache in his heart. There was another analogy he described, but it escapes me. Like MrKate, described the physical feeling. I took a deep breath and gave a small smile. He felt "guilt" and "remorse".

hopefulkate posted 10/15/2017 11:42 AM

Wow, just looked up chakras. MrKate hates, no despises purple. How interesting!! I will have to look at this more. We did a genetic screen test thing and his is less than .01% Native American or east Asian. He claims he was atilla the hun now 😂😂😂. But I actually AM American Indian in my roots, and the test showed zero as the strain is only based on the x chromosome (or your mother's DNA).

Anyway, thought that was rather interesting.

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 11:54 AM, October 15th (Sunday)]

hopefulkate posted 10/15/2017 11:46 AM

which leads me to a question to the group. Is it common for Survivors to not have friends? Real friends; especially of the same sex.

Isn't having friends a show of the ability to trust and be vulnerable? I have very few friends, but two close cousins who I can share with-who are both WS's and it is hard to still have them. MrKate does not have friends at the moment. He would love to. Part of him aches for it, but the friends he has made over the years were just like the AP. Predators and users. It's what he knew. And I was not allowed to point that out.

I also see a difference between men and women here, and the older we get, the harder this is. Just my $.02

hopefulkate posted 10/15/2017 11:53 AM

Now, do I HAVE to take care of them? No. Can I live with myself if I don't? Also no.

They aren't bad people. Just not fully functional. They do help me when they can or when I make them (I can be a bully sometimes, but the IC refuse to label me as such as I am "surviving").

I grew up watching my mom and sister get victimized over and over again. I watched my grandma (who was quite well off and had people who cooked and cleaned for her, and round the clock nurses) get used and manipulated and robbed time and again, and my uncle try to help and undo what was done, only to get yelled at for meddling.

(Ask me why I get "in trouble" with the family. )

Anyway, their not exactly normal iq gets them into awful situations. My IC asked me that same question not to long ago, so I went into all the things that happen when I take care of myself and let them take care of them.

When I was done, she simply said, "I'm sorry I asked!"

Basically- because they are practically special needs, and because of my personal beliefs about taking care of them - I am stuck by choice.

But lately it has become a bit much and I need to redraw boundaries. Hard to do when they can't go to the bathroom themselves from the surgery, or are borderline suicidal st the moment as we try to figure out my sisters meds...

Monday I will go to my sisters pdoc and her second dbt session. Not because I want to, because the drs ask me to go. I am the interpreter.

In my mind, I feel like I am working to get them self sufficient. Or as self sufficient as they can be.

Yesterday's vent session was absolutely hormone enhanced. I will call my OB on Monday to discuss a hysterectomy. I cant have such emotional lows! It's insane.

Today is better thank god!

devotedman posted 10/15/2017 17:25 PM

Synethesia. The ability / propensity / condition of one sense showing up as another. Hear colors and other sensory cross-overs.

hopefulkate, why is needing validation a bad thing if it isn't necessarily 'needing' the validation? In other words, humans are social animals. We share, we talk, we, at some level, seem to need to know that we are not alone. Like anything, it can be taken too far. Perhaps in your case it is your own perceptions that push it into neediness?

I would also consider that not _all_ "I don't want to be a burden"-type thoughts are 'bad'. I've been sick and needy before and it does, after a while, just get _old_. It isn't shame driving that thought, it is more of an "I want to be whole again"-type thought but not quite expressed that way.

Men and women do have different friendship models. Women sometimes talk just to be heard, to be listened to. When men discuss things we are often problem-solvers for other men just like we problem-solve with women. In Western Civilization men do not really have a lot of friends that we open up to.

I have, at most, one such male friend and probably 2 such female friends. I am roughly equally open with them all though the subjects that I hold back on are different between males and females.

As for it being harder as we get older with CSA issues, well, yeah. What else would you expect? We lived longer with faulty models -and- people don't learn or change as quickly as we get older.

Sigh. I'm old.

hopefulkate, I hear you about your mother and sister. I'll never have to do similar things because my parents and grandparents are dead and I'm an only child. I can only imagine how busy you must be with all of that.

Lavender0916, you seem to really be trying to be patient with your WH's growth. Remember, as long as progress is _generally_ forward then you have some hope for the future. Smaller burn-outs or plateaus might be expected. Major, long-term backsliding is not.

hopefulkate posted 10/16/2017 08:13 AM

Thanks for the support, DM. I am struggling a bit, but it is a good struggle. I am aware, and the pain is all raw, but - it means I can now choose differently. More consciously and less reactively. Reactively keeps the cycle going. Proactively allows for a new path to disclose itself. I look forward to getting back to therapy when finances allow it.

Synethesia. The ability / propensity / condition of one sense showing up as another. Hear colors and other sensory cross-overs.

Yes, this is more likely the true root cause in part, though the purple identification was interesting. I've always wanted this super power. I want to hear blue! :)

hopefulkate,

why is needing validation a bad thing if it isn't necessarily 'needing' the validation? In other words, humans are social animals. We share, we talk, we, at some level, seem to need to know that we are not alone. Like anything, it can be taken too far. Perhaps in your case it is your own perceptions that push it into neediness?

I think what worries me is that when I get low, and need (or think I need) someone else to validate my pain or struggles, and then can't find said person or thing, that it sends me down deeper. So if I post here, for example, and no one responds, I think to myself, everyone else here are such good friends, just like in real life. No one actually likes me, I am so different why would they?....

Now, when I am not deep in it, I know that I hold myself back from letting people in, tired of being hurt. My loneliness is my own creation, and I am the one who can solve this.

But in it....

So I think about this need for others to make me feel better, and an almost compulsive need to check if anyone likes my post, pic, tweet....anything that reaffirms that I have value.

When really, I do have value. I just don't always see it or feel it. So that is my discomfort in my need for validation. I don't think I have enough inside me just yet. And with all that is going in right now, I am kind of stuck in survival mode for a little bit and my dreams and needs are back burnered again. And I get angry and resentful.

But as I write this out I see that I do have time. I just have to make time. And that likely comes from self worth, self love, and some better planning! And maybe kids who actually go to bed when it is bedtime!


devotedman posted 10/16/2017 09:05 AM

So if I post here, for example, and no one responds, I think to myself, everyone else here are such good friends, just like in real life. No one actually likes me, I am so different why would they?

Pish-posh!, he said. Not dismissively.

I post here more introspectively than I disclose in real life. I have deeper and more meaningful conversations with folks here. I also sit back a bit and agree without typing out that I do agree.

Your experiences are yours and are, therefore, unique in that regard. They are very similar to the objective experiences of others and subjectively they can be quite similar, but since you are a collection of objective and subjective things no other such collection is identical.

You _are_ different than anyone, everyone, else that posts here. You are not so different in any regard as to be unlikable. I do, in fact, like hopefulkate and YouMeI. I like almost everyone that tries to better themselves while avoiding hurting others to do so.

Regarding not having friends because it might hurt. Yes, it might. Almost certainly it will hurt at some point. There was a thread a while back about how the BS-es who choose to grow will grow out of their relationships with their friends who do not choose to grow. It is okay to associate with people like oneself as one grows and changes. It is also okay to cease associating as much with people who choose not to grow, or who grow into different directions.

I am kind of stuck in survival mode for a little bit and my dreams and needs are back burnered again. And I get angry and resentful.

I would like to affirm that this is a natural reaction cycle. And...

But as I write this out I see that I do have time. I just have to make time.

You then go on in a healthy fashion to recognize how you can proactively break the natural reaction cycle. Which is, IMHO, a sign of willingness to grow.

Last sentence:
hopefulkate, you do have value. YouMeI is lucky to have a spouse such as yourself. I think that he knows it.

You posted at 8:13AM. At 8:33AM I read your post. Took 32 minutes to write, so I posted at a computer time of 9:05AM. While I'm not always that on-the-ball this thread does get a lot of visits from me.

[This message edited by devotedman at 9:07 AM, October 16th, 2017 (Monday)]

hopefulkate posted 10/16/2017 13:08 PM

Thank you, DM. For all of that, as always.

And this:

You posted at 8:13AM. At 8:33AM I read your post. Took 32 minutes to write, so I posted at a computer time of 9:05AM. While I'm not always that on-the-ball this thread does get a lot of visits from me.

I've decided to print this one out and put it under my computer. Because I am no different and read and think good things but do not comment.

My heart feels full right now. Thank you so, so much.

devotedman posted 10/16/2017 13:29 PM

You're welcome, as always. :-)

hopefulkate posted 10/18/2017 10:55 AM

On social media MrKate wrote, metoo.

There are no words big enough and grand enough for this bravery! Well done. :)

Skan posted 10/18/2017 18:35 PM

Lavender0916 posted 10/18/2017 18:36 PM


It's been a while for me to add here as well. Like 4 days! Like Hopeful, I view everyday to see who responded and wonder if responses not made in "my" timely manner is because I offended someone. I haven't written in a while because it us hard to type responses on the cell phone. Cannot do this at work and at home it's been super busy with our new friends that came to visit named Head Lice. Yuck!! My poor 6 year old.

So happy your heart is FULL, Hopeful! Such a good feeling.

I have been depressed for the last 10 days now and mood swings. Would like to think hormones do have a part. However not sure because I have an IUD, and never know when my menstrual cycle is present. My WH psychotic, super neglectful Mom, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at the beginning of the year and does not have much time left. My WH is going to visit her on Sunday to say his peace and will be gone until Tuesday. It is making me sick to my stomach. Mostly because I want to believe him but I don't know. I am driving him to and from the airport but AP used to work there with him. He has yet to forward me his info and he knows he has to prove where he is. Part of me is glad he is staying an extra day. I do need the space. It is only one state away and 2 days. I will get the info, but reminds me of the days before all this happened. I never had to remind him. He sent all stuff to me. Also, he hasn't had a therapy session in 2 weeks! He was supposed to start a new job but that gets postponed due to permit issues. I am seeing improvements after each session and don't know if he will go tomorrow. 3 weeks now. He is telling me the IC has not got back to him. Ok now I am just venting. My poor patience meter is getting low. My IC reminded me that he us making progress..its slow

hopefulkate posted 10/19/2017 19:04 PM

Hi Lavender, crazy time here as well. Waiting until I could sit with quiet and respond - though I did read right away and send you happy prayers! Did you feel it?

Hope that your 'visitors' have left the building!!

I have been depressed for the last 10 days now and mood swings. Would like to think hormones do have a part. However not sure because I have an IUD, and never know when my menstrual cycle is present.

As if life wasn't enough right?! Hoping this has passed!

My WH psychotic, super neglectful Mom, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at the beginning of the year and does not have much time left. My WH is going to visit her on Sunday to say his peace and will be gone until Tuesday.

Ugh, I am so so sorry! I know that feeling - and it is awful! Has he given you the itinerary yet? What are his reasons for not?

How will he be while away with her? Does he feel strong enough? Do you want to go too? Although a break is kind of awesome....

Also, he hasn't had a therapy session in 2 weeks! He was supposed to start a new job but that gets postponed due to permit issues. I am seeing improvements after each session and don't know if he will go tomorrow. 3 weeks now. He is telling me the IC has not got back to him.

More limbo. I'm sorry. I think Limbo is super hard. Limbo sucks, ok?! Is there any way you can be part of the conversation with the therapist to know whether or not this is true? Given his history, I don't think being copied on a text string or email for scheduling, and then as a condition of R, notified if he doesn't show up. It doesn't put you in charge of his therapy, it puts you in charge of your anxiety and R. IMHO.

I *sort of* have this with his counselor. More like, it would be out of character for him to not show, so I would get a text or email.

I'm sorry for the stress. You are strong and will endure! (((Lavender!)))

How are you doing today?

Skan posted 10/20/2017 15:34 PM

My WH psychotic, super neglectful Mom, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at the beginning of the year and does not have much time left

My morbid sense of what passes for humor says well, at least you won't have to deal with her in person again... Also, so, tell us how you REALLY feel about her?

In all seriousness, I hope that you WH gets his head out of his neither regions and gets you the info you need, without having to prompt him about it. And I hope that you can use the time that he's gone to rest and reflect, or simply "be."

hopefulkate posted 10/21/2017 11:05 AM

at least you won't have to deal with her in person again...

It thought that too. :)

Lavender0916 posted 10/23/2017 21:04 PM

Ok, WH did the talk with Mom and he is still with her! I am not sure what to think but it sounds super positive. I do not trust anyone in his family. Leaving him (as early as 8) with a major child predator. Then taking everything he owned and selling it at the flea market when his dad died at 18 years old? He needs to do for him. His mom Will pass away and not even know our youngest child. Nor his oldest child at 19. Yes, I am not fond of her, can you tell?...my dark humor.

I am doing ok actually. Better than I thought. The time away is actually ok.

JulieMarie posted 10/23/2017 21:26 PM

I don't want to be here, I never wanted it to see the light of day but here I am trying to heal because I hate myself but more I absolutely despise I hurt the one person who loves me most in this world. So I'm 37 years old and was abused as a child at the age of 11-12 by an uncle. I can't go into details, it's just to painful but writing only this and getting it out into the world as a real thing is already therapeutic. Thank you.

silverhopes posted 10/23/2017 22:08 PM

Welcome, JulieMarie. Glad you're here with us, though very sad any of us are here at all. You're very brave to acknowledge it out loud. It can be scary and painful even doing that. How are you feeling right now?

Just coming to check in. How is everyone doing with #metoo? Anyone triggering? Here to help.

Lavender0916 posted 10/23/2017 23:17 PM

Welcome JulieMarie
You will find much support in this forum. It's for BS and WS that were abused as children on top of BS of CSA..

Very brave and painful. How are you doing?

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