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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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JulieMarie posted 10/24/2017 07:09 AM

Hello Lavender and Silverhopes:
I am doing well. Thank y'all for the warm reception,it's much appreciated. My abuse is something I've tried to suppress and forget about. I didn't tell anybody about it after the person I told initially,and was supposed to protect me and didn't believe me. I did finally tell my IC all about it last session. It was scary but man was I glad to finally let go. I want to tell my husband but we are going through so much I don't want to burden him. This is a really great place. I'm trying to go back and read through everybody's posts on this thread, so sad to see so many people but glad I'm not alone too.

hopefulkate posted 10/24/2017 09:20 AM

Welcome! Sorry you are in these clubs, but what a place of support this is!

If you think your BS would be supportive of you sharing, and it is tied closely to Your why; then as a BS myself, I would want to know. It colors everything and in time will help him to understand.

Many people here might say, there is no understanding this stuff. I greatly disagree. We all act based on feelings, and feelings all originate from somewhere. We may not be able to control our feelings - especially this early on - but we all can learn to control our actions. For your WH to feel safe again, I imagine from my own experience, that seeing you grow in this way will help him.

But he canít see it if he doesnít know. Take care and go as slow as you need to. Post or journal. It really, really does help.

Skan posted 10/24/2017 20:02 PM

Hello and welcome JulieMarie! I'm glad that you decided to post and that you've shared a bit with us. We are totally open to whatever you *want* to share. It's all up to you.

Not telling is pretty much a default response for most people, isn't it? Both when the abuse happens and then later, sometimes much later. I hid mine, suppressed the memories, downplayed it, locked down the PTSD until I was in my middle 50s. Then it blew sky-high. Sorta like shaking up a coke and then flipping the tab open. The spatter was truly impressive.

I'm glad that your seeing an IC. Is your IC experienced with infidelity? With CSA? Are you exploring the abuse as part of your Whys? You might use the IC as a sounding board for working up to telling your H. I think that it might be helpful for him to know, especially as you weave that experience into the whys of the infidelity.

Anyway, welcome again!

JulieMarie posted 10/25/2017 07:09 AM

Thanks again everybody...

I have asked my IC and she agrees I should tell. I'm working up to telling him. I'm extremely ashamed to even think about it. I barely got it out at IC and I don't know WHY I'm ashamed because I know it's not my fault. I was only 11 but still...it's disgusting. I feel like he'll see me as irrereparable I guess. I'm just scared but I'm a work in progress. My IC is skilled in infidelity and sexual abuse and is doing a good job. Maybe to good. I'm in tears almost every session it seems. It really does help yall are all here with me ☺️

hopefulkate posted 10/25/2017 13:11 PM

This may not help, but I don't see my husband that way at all. Mutliple abusers, male, female, older younger - it is a terrible story.

However, I just see him as my friend who was hurt for a long time, by a lot of people. Outside of my own pain, I can see the affair as just another hurt. (Don't ask me when I am feeling my own hurt as pain is the only emotional available - oh, and anger!)

That ball of shame, feeling of gross - that is your view of yourself - not how we see you. (speaking on behalf of myself and LOTS of other supporters.)

Your abusers gave that to you, because as kids we have to take ownership of things because that is how we survive. It does not make it true. It just makes it a neural network that was once used to survive and is no longer needed.

Meaning, you are NOT gross, or anything else. :)

Lavender0916 posted 10/25/2017 21:07 PM

Hopeful, can i pick on you for saying "colors"?

JulieMarie, I see you have a 24 yo. It's never too late. Like Hopeful, my WH affair made more sense knowing about the connection of his CSA. It is super scary to think you are going to "lay one more thing one him" As a BS of a CSA, it helped me. The irony is if he wasn't a CSA, I would of left. I wish I read more about it prior to the A. I know all the woman he was with prior to me and they are just like his mother. Abusive, manipulative, neglectful bottom feeders. Same with the AP.

My WH came back from seeing his anti-protective, narcissistic beast of a bio mom. (Skan, I have more...) then his oldest brother went MIA. It was a horrible trip, but an enlightened one. He says it was a "right if passage" more to come

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 9:17 PM, October 27th (Friday)]

Lavender0916 posted 10/26/2017 01:29 AM

Hopeful, can i pick on you for saying "colors"?

JulieMarie, I see you have a 24 yo. It's never too late. Like Hopeful, my WH affair made more sense knowing about the connection of his CSA. It is super scary to think you are going to "lay one more thing one him" As a BS of a CSA, it helped me. The irony is if he wasn't a CSA, I would of left. I wish I read more about it prior to the A. I know all the woman he was with prior to me and they are just like his mother. Abusive, manipulative, neglectful bottom feeders. Same with the AP.

My WH came back from seeing his anti-protective, narcissistic beast of a bio mom. (Skan, I have more...) then his oldest brother went MIA. It was a horrible trip, but an enlightened one. He says it was a "right if passage" more to come

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 9:17 PM, October 27th (Friday)]

Lavender0916 posted 10/26/2017 01:32 AM

How did I duplicate a post?

JulieMarie posted 10/26/2017 07:20 AM

Thank you Hopeful and Lavender. Im starting to realize what y'all are talking about. I can't believe how good it feels to finally talk about it after all these years. My 22 and 24 yo are my H's children from his previous marriage. I'm sorry for the confusion. I try not to separate them from my natural born children. I met my H at 20 but didn't date him until 22. My oldest is 18 from an abusive 8 yr relationship from the age of 14-21. I swear to God if I have to repeat details again I might have a nervous breakdown. I can tell him who, how long but I don't think I can replay any details. Maybe I could write it out or does he need that at all?

devotedman posted 10/26/2017 07:52 AM

Welcome, JulieMarie.

A good communication style to practice is OATH, Open, Authentic, Trustworthy, and Honest. You've told us that _right_ _now_ you can't really go into details. Tell him the same. Tell him that he is the second person that you've ever told, that you are working through it in IC, and that he deserves to know as well since that childhood abuse has shaped your world view.

Also, be Open and Honest and tell him that you are not sure how you will feel about telling him more in time. Tell him that this first working through it is traumatic for you. You might even talk with your therapist about telling him about it in a therapy session, or telling him there so that he can ask questions that she could answer. She might have book recommendations, or article recommendations, for him to read.

The second post of this thread is a list of articles, books, and web sites dealing with abuse. Perhaps tell him about those? A particularly good one is "The Body Keeps The Score" (the actual title is much longer.

Regarding the feelings of shame and worthlessness - those are normal. They're also based upon incorrect conclusions. Now, think about meeting some child who confides in you that they are being abused. Would you recoil, considering them tarnished, used goods, etc.? Think about you as that young girl the same way that you would the other child that you just imagined. You had a terrible, life-altering experience as a youngster who didn't have the resources necessary to interpret the experience.

You haven't described much how your H is reacting as a BS. Could you talk a little about how you two are doing? It would be much easier for us to give specific communication, empathy, etc. advice if we knew a bit more about how the two of you are doing.

ETA - Lavender0916, sometimes posts get duplicated on this board. Usually the second one is edited down to "Duplicate post" by the poster.

Edit2 - changed "you're the second person" to "he is the second person". Sigh, I type differently than I think...

[This message edited by devotedman at 8:36 AM, October 26th, 2017 (Thursday)]

hopefulkate posted 10/26/2017 09:25 AM

I think the details needed - for when or if he starts to learn how abuse affects everyone - is age, timeframe, who. But The Who can be vague for now too depending on how you feel. Caregiver is a good word. Levels of safety growing up. Those are the big buzz words that he will read about over and over, so that is helpful - or was to me and some other supporters.

MrKate kept the details to himself and his counselor. And I think that is good as Too many details when he isnít ready isnít good, and he doesnít want my pity or empathy all the time. (Most of the time he does not want this.). Now, when mad, he lets things out and canít remember what he has or hasnít told me. But I try my best not to mention any details ever- as that is not the point. He was hurt. He was a kid. It wasnít his fault. And now he is working to heal from that pain. That is what matters.

At least, thatís what matters to me. Take care and go at your own pace. :)

JulieMarie posted 10/26/2017 09:28 AM

Devotedman,
You are so right I would never feel an abused child is worthless. I'd want to protect him or her with everything I am. That being said the abuse happened while was a child living with my aunt/uncle. It was my uncle and when I told my aunt she didn't believe me. I originally told the doctor when I was getting my physical not knowing that they were honor bound to tell authorities and OMG that opened up a whole other can of beans, she got the police to back off by saying I was a moody teenager who lies to get her way. But eventually he confessed to my aunt and apologized to me and blamed it on drugs and alcohol but made no attempt to stop the drugs and alcohol. So I locked myself in my bedroom with a deadbolt everynight. Yes they stayed married. Eventually he left me alone and after a while and I was able to forgive him and he is still part of my life. We see him at family events. The trying to act like "it never happened" is what lets me get through these events. I have no idea how I'll function at the next. My husband is a wreck, it's only a month and a half since dday and he's still numb. He says he's in limbo. He's only raged that 1st day and once since then. Somedays he'll seem ok and can function, mostly with the kids. Most days he sleeps all day. Sometimes he crys with me. He stays off SI because people kept telling him to leave me and he just doesn't want to hear that right now. He's not in IC because he thinks the same. I tell him how helpful it's been and they don't try to dictate your life in anyway but right now he's just doesn't want to do anything. I am constantly giving him affection, love, I do all the chores and do all the stuff with kids. I ask everyday if he wants to talk about the affair he just says no, nothing is going to change. I apologize all the time and can't seem to stop crying most days. BTW I have ordered the book you've suggested from Amazon. Y'all are an amazing bunch of people who know so much...thank you.

devotedman posted 10/26/2017 16:24 PM

I would never feel an abused child is worthless.

Gently then, I ask you - why do you think that you are worthless? Think about that a while. I'm not looking for a superficial answer like, "because I hurt someone." I'm looking for why you felt worthless enough so that it was okay to you to decide to hurt someone. You and your IC will get to this in time. I'm prepared to wait.

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Because I am male I sort of know how males generally think about things. Because I am a csa survivor I have some experience with a thing called "Survivor's Rage." You know the Survivor's Guilt thing, where people ask, "Why did _I_ survive out of 20 people? I feel guilty?!"

Well, Survivor's Rage is like that -except- substitute rage for guilt. It isn't a pretty set of feelings.

Anyway... Really tell your IC about who it was and how they are still in your life before you tell your H about it. This is all In My Honest Opinion (IMHO), btw. I say this because, well, because if a SO / WW told me about it being her Uncle -and- we had interacted with the Uncle over the years I know that I'd really want to go tear out his liver and feed half to him and half to the dogs. And because I know that I cannot do that without severe repercussions, well, then I'd start feeling powerless and emasculated precisely because I could not do that.

It would be a complicated set of negative feelings, for sure. I'd probably need an IC around even if I did not think that I needed an IC around.

Because of who it is and the fact that they've been in your lives for years I simply do not know whether or not to advise you to divulge now, without telling who it is.

hopefulkate has dealt with a similar thing with her H, YouMeI. She is, however, a woman and I'm not quite sure that the societal "push" for a man to be a protector is quite the same between the sexes.

Please feel very free to print this out and take it to your IC for advice if you think that you might have some trouble explaining it clearly.

Also, you write well but it is in a whole "wall of text." Could you throw in some ENTER key to break it up a bit next time, please?

EmElleG posted 10/29/2017 21:07 PM

Anyone have experience with being abused sexually as a child and also dealing with a WH with a porn addiction ?

I'd love to hear stories, mines long and I'll be back to post more, I posted over in general in your want the basics under "his issues made mine boil to the surface"

Thanks

Lavender0916 posted 10/30/2017 12:29 PM

Hi EmElleG - welcome. I am still questionable about myself. I know at 14 I was date raped by an 18 year old boy. However, I constantly wonder about myself. I have no recollection of earlier years..Still exploring. Good people here. You came to the right place.

Team - I need a boost. For some reason I am still depressed. My WH's trip to see his mom was very difficult. We had what seemed like "loving" moments where it was not sexual. Then I got really depressed again and was angry about everything. Could not talk to him with his job. Leaves early and doesn't come home to late. (2nd shift). Last night after I put Vivian to bed I sat on the floor in my bedroom and just cried. Then fell to the fetal position. I really hate this. WH was supposed to come home at a reasonable hour and did not since it was his last day at work. On top of it all my daughter's IC is retiring. She is mess. (CSA as well) Says nothing good came of her childhood(in my life at age 5, adopted at 18) I stepped back and tried to help her remember there were good times. She couldn't go there. I told her I cannot help her except help find a new IC. That went south. She doesn't want one. Tired of talking about her trauma. I am emotionally drained I guess. Thanks for listening/reading.

hopefulkate posted 10/30/2017 12:42 PM

Welcome EmElleG. I have read of your specific situation often, but not with actual experience. I had no idea MrKate had a porn addiction until Dday. For him, it was a mask for his abuse - quite common. For others, it is just...well, name a thing and people blame it on there.

I think that for you, if you feel it is something you don't like, then it is completely within the realm of normal to ask it not be part of the marriage. But, it will have to be your call. What are your boundaries and things you can accept? And how does your h respond?

(((Lavender))) I am so sorry, that is all just so, so much.

For your daughter, would she benefit from taking some time off? Or could her current IC help her transition to a new one by sending the records over and no need for a new disclosure? I find that part to be the hardest.

Sounds like your WH's job and trip have just triggered you like crazy. Is there anything he can do to help? Has he been accounting for his time and location?

Regardless, I am sorry. All of this is so hard sometimes. I raise my glass of wine with you tonight in strength and solidarity!

Lavender0916 posted 10/30/2017 14:15 PM

For your daughter, would she benefit from taking some time off? Or could her current IC help her transition to a new one by sending the records over and no need for a new disclosure? I find that part to be the hardest.

She definitely could benefit from time off. I told her we could sign a waiver and have the new therapist (if you like her) talk with her current IC to get all the history so she doesn't have to repeat herself. The "find" is the hardest. I asked her existing therapist for referrals.

Sounds like your WH's job and trip have just triggered you like crazy. Is there anything he can do to help? Has he been accounting for his time and location?

H has been accounting for his time and location. His trip was awful. He realized he was never loved by his mom and now realizing his siblings too. Not once did she ask about me or her grandchildren. She asked about his ex-wife, and she was at our wedding. (I regret inviting her).

I am having a major self-esteem problem right now. I "know" this A was not my fault, but keep wondering if he really wants this life with a wife and kids. Sucks that she was even YOUNGER than me!. 20 years his junior!!I am trying to teach myself how to take care of me. How to hold my sad inner child without anyone's help. It's super super hard. I think the trigger was a funeral I attended this week. The person who passed was 26 years old; we know her dad very well. She was a young, bright talented lady. Always optimistic. My kids took an art camp she taught. Just reliving the funeral scene almost gave me a breakdown. So recent with my Dad and mom then the A right after.

Not to mention my WH hasn't been in IC for 3 weeks now. I can already tell he is taking small steps backwards. i.e. drinking and driving; oversexed, etc. It's amazing when he does have a session I see the forward. It's the new job and it keeps postponing due to licensing (New place). So the IC told him to wait til he gets his schedule to reschedule his weekly appts. Just extra limbo here... What sucks about going to someone who is super good is they get booked fast.

Lastly, I have been drinking too much wine. Can't be depressed and drink. It just doesn't work. It multiplies....

hopefulkate posted 10/31/2017 12:05 PM

I think that all sounds like good work that is being had - even though it feels like shit. You know? Triggers upon triggers. Your WH finally seeing his family for what they are...

That stuff is hard! Really, really, hard.

Just breathe. This part too shall pass.

And yeah to the too much wine part... :/

Iím going on a little SI break for a bit. I get emails about pms so if you miss me too much I am still around 😂😂😂.

Sigh....self deprecating humor sign off.

hopefulkate posted 11/1/2017 08:44 AM

In case this piece gets missed - I posted this story in the R forum. My break from SI was good and needed, and I will do it again. I don't know what that means timeline wise, but I need to put boundaries on my time spent on this task.

Anyway, I think the teen had the A on purpose as an intentional way to say, "Hey, I am as bad as I say I am!" The self harm piece that we know well, but looked at (by me in this moment) from a different angle. The teen has VERY intense reactions when someone says that he is not bad. Desires of violence cross his mind (I am NOT at ALL concerned he would act-he talks through them as the adult is there too now most of the time.)

Anyway...I like this revelation. I don't know if it is true yet. I posed it to MrKate who will sit with it and take it to IC. Teens are an interesting group. Blame is hard to own. Deflecting comes second nature, and listening to grown ups is like climbing mt everest. At least, a teen with MrKate's past. (Oh, and any other teen I have ever met ever.)

Anyway, this is what I posted.

HE WANTED TO.

Wha???!!! But...but...you have have claimed the whole time that he didn't?!

I know. Because it didn't make sense. But here's the thing: He - and I mean the older teen part - was determined to show the world that he was bad. Hence the piece of self harm. The OBS proclaimed MrKate his bestie in like weeks. He spoke very highly of him to him and in the group setting. It was incredibly PAINFUL for MrKate. To this day he has so much anger towards the OBS. Which is...ridiculous isn't even the word here. UNTIL...we remember that compliments that do not align up with our own sense of self feel like lies. He believed(s) that the OBS was constantly lying to him. He would even say this as their friendship grew.

He was also choosing suicide to stop the abuse memories that popped up. Well, this will help Kate not want me anyway! This will prove to her once and for all that I am all the things I say I am.

....but....I wonder at the extent of the intent, because while I do believe the older teen wanted to prove his "bad" (aka ball of shame from abuse which is his only known identity), I am unsure of his want of an actual full blown affair, because as things spiral QUICKLY out of control, and the younger versions of himself start to come out and take over out of coding for abuse, the story takes a sad, sad turn. One of fear, self hate, and internal blame games. The older teen is-was FURIOUS at the child for doing that acts. But like all teens, when there is self to blame, it is much safer to deflect and claim victim.

It is interesting for sure. The story is still not completely unwound, and for sure, it is certainly all not just ONE why. It's a whole ball of pain that make this tale.

Oh well...for some reason, this revelation, in this moment, helps me feel loved. I'm pretty messed up too, so I can totally relate to, "I will push you away to save you from me", mentality. Love. Not the right word, but perhaps the term, unhealthy love, is fitting.

Looking forward to both giving and receiving *healthy* love as we grow!

Ok, signing off again shortly.


Oh! More fun...I got to talk to the younger teen the other night. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, "mechanic, but my dad is always yelling at me to not be one."

I said, "thats because he thinks it is a hard life and wants better for you, but doesn't know what better really is."

He said, "so, he's not all bad?"

Me, "No, they're not all bad." (Important word choice on my part there I think.)

"What did I become?"

"A mechanic."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And your dad was really proud of you."

"wow..."

This morning I told adult MrKate this story. He said, "I hate that you know more about me than I do." Half joking, half serious.

So I said, "So integrate already! I'm just here trying to get my Mario on and you're all...super 'fascinatingly conversating' me over here." [technical term ]

devotedman posted 11/1/2017 09:37 AM

hopefulkate, you have mentioned before that you think that a big part of your healing would be him writing this all down.

I have to ask, though, do these talks with the un-integrated him help as much as him writing it all out?

It has struck me that he can't do the writing until he's all integrated and he knows the story himself (the adult him). It seems quite likely that his writing all of the story will be more for him at that point since you'll already know it from speaking to all of his alters now.

Yes, this is sort of a stream-of-consciousness question. I hope that it made sense.

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