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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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Lavender0916 posted 11/21/2017 12:13 PM

Hi there,
I know HopefulKate has young children. Does anyone have older children and how they react to all of this?

My oldest DD, 19, is going through hell. Her life was shattered when she was 6, bio-mom introduced her to a predator BF when she was unstable by the initial divorce. I came into her life then. She also is trying to heal from DID and CSA crap. That is also her anger at her dad for not helping himself.

She is officially my daughter ( I adopted her at 18). She is so angry at her Dad and refuses to talk with him. She knows what happened and knows about last Friday's discovery. The "protector/teens" are at each other's throats. Then WH "teen" tells me I am turning her against him. OMG really? I am so proud of myself. I reminded him her world is collapsing again. She is unstable and she is angry. Does he not get that? I told him to stop blaming and repair!!" hee Projection, Projection!! Of course, he told me to "f" off. Then I check in with my DD and see if she is ok. She sends me a screen print, that Dad asks if they can talk. hahahahah - back to the adult.

Then tells me he isn't coming home tonight (WHA - uh don't care). That's a blessing <3

I read this on many forums about affairs. Waywards caught up in their affairs neglect their children. My WH definitely did. Many false promises about doing stuff together, etc. Stopped attending to sport events, music events, or school events in general. My youngest DD at 6, barely knows who her dad is. Asks me to take her to school instead. My DSS just wants to make peace and loves his dad very much. Just wishes he would be "more". I remember a few texts between the AP and my WH and her commenting on what a great dad he is...I was like what, and what ?!? This was not always the case. He was and always will be a workaholic, but I remember the good days days when DD and DS were my youngest's age.

I worry about my kids the most. What have folks done, to help them during this time?

Skan posted 11/21/2017 21:57 PM

No kids so I can't help you there, but I just wanted to let you know that I think that you're doing the right thing by essentially picking your kids over your WH. Speaking as someone with DID, I would have fully understood my FWH deciding that, when we all made our appearances, and I was too unstable to keep myself whole, to flee the coop. I frankly couldn't blame anyone for deciding that handling this from a spouse was just not something that they could do. Especially when you have children who are being impacted by this, tossed into the equation.

One of the reasons I decided to "out" myself, was because of a BH whose WW had DID and was very destructive. They had a young-ish DD, I think around 12-13? WW refused to get treatment and had altars who were actively seeking OM. He refused to consider divorce, but was concerned about his DD being around her mother. He wasn't around for long, but I had some long PM conversations with him, especially about him leaving his DD with someone who might have an alter step in who might think that having a wingman (the DD) for fun and games would be a neat thing. I believe that the solution he came up with before he left, was to have his WW live in a sort of guest house on the property, while he kept custody of his DD in the main house, and essentially make sure that when his DD was with WW, they were pretty much under his eyes.

If all of him is acting out and he's not safe for you, then he's not safe for your kids. It's OK to mourn the person that you and they knew, but the person standing in front of you now is not that person. I think that the best thing that you can do is to make sure that those kids, especially the young ones, are taken care of and, unless your WH absolutely commits (and is capable of getting everyone else on board as well) to therapy and becoming a safe person to be around all of you, you need to put the kids (and your) needs first and let him go. Sounds cold-hearted, I know, but sometimes you have to step back and triage what you can and can't save.

Lavender0916 posted 11/22/2017 00:47 AM

Thanks Skan! Truth is, he is only here maybe 2 hours out of the day period. Most of that I am here and he rarely talks to the kids. Also he is supposed to get the young DD off to school. Again rarely, recruits oldest DD. It is very very sad. We separated and have a family plan that if the kids want to talk about what is going on that we talk together. No going to mom. No going to just Dad.

The flip side is if she doesn't want to talk with him she does not by this rule without me present.

DID is scary...

Lavender0916 posted 11/22/2017 06:49 AM

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 6:50 AM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

hopefulkate posted 11/22/2017 08:28 AM

Yes, it can be.

I am fortunate enough to have also seen its purpose and beauty.

Take care, Lavendar. You are doing great and being strong at a very challenging time!

Lavender0916 posted 11/22/2017 09:54 AM

Thanks Hopeful!

It's Wednesday and i get off early. I feel a little anxious but looking forward to time with the kids and putting up Christmas decorations.

Whew, our anniversary is over. He posted all nice love stuff on FB but I did not buy into it. He was sending me txt too, messages about "getting better" One thing I do know about him is he is all talk. He has these great plans and they die a week later. Talk to me in 3 months. Right now he is a liar and a cheater and really out there. (That's Gods hands stuff right there...)

I know what I have to do. Love myself, take awesome care of my amazing kiddos.

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 10:46 AM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

Lavender0916 posted 11/22/2017 11:15 AM

I guess that I'm trying to say that if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass toot-sweet that you have to decide just how much of this bullshit that you can put up with

DM, I cannot stop laughing at that. Thanks for giving me a break from my anxiety. "Toot-Sweet"...I am from Ohio, and that expression was used there...LMAO .

I am not putting up with it anymore. Yesterday was full of BS. He kept saying since September that he was going back to IC. Why did it take me to separate to contact IC again? Its all BS, he cannot do this on his own so I have no expectations. He has been shattering promises with us for the last 5 years and we are done. You were also right, he is going to expect the AP to fill my role. Good luck with that. He is with her now and most likely move in.

From now on, I get these thoughts of disappointments and all the "fluff" statements he shared in the past. I am journaling everything now. It helps my brain understand why my heart hurts.

devotedman posted 11/23/2017 11:51 AM

Why did it take me to separate to contact IC again?

On the off chance this is not a rhetorical question:

Because people don't change until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same.

Gently said, this is also why you've stayed around so long amidst the glistening pile of shattered promises.

If you successfully detach a bit (and that has been going on for a while now, the detaching) then you can watch him try to re-create his living situation. He'll probably try to slide the broken AP into your spot and then he'll have an opening for an AP. He might even try to interest you in the AP position, though not in so many words. But do not be surprised if he starts being all "conflicted" and stuff after things get going further with the current AP.

All of this is really very, very sad. It truly is. Losing his family might be enough to wake him up, too. But it might not. He will probably just do the same things that he's done in the past that worked to keep the two of you together, only he'll try _harder_ at them.

Wishing you the best with a fist bump thrown in }{

Lavender0916 posted 11/23/2017 12:17 PM

All of this is really very, very sad. It truly is. Losing his family might be enough to wake him up, too. But it might not. He will probably just do the same things that he's done in the past that worked to keep the two of you together, only he'll try _harder_ at them.

I honestly think this now. He is at least 80% protector/teen now. No wake up call. I see the scared child, but I cannot help that anymore. I have my own children that need me. My inner child needs me. I like my journaling so it can remind me of the toxins and what I want or need from a partner and father.

I am not scared anymore. My WH is not my H, he has become something else. Made it easy to detach actually.

I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving DM. Fistbump for all your knowledge and support.

Skan posted 11/23/2017 21:25 PM

The committee wishes all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday weekend.

Lavender0916 posted 11/25/2017 22:08 PM

He will probably just do the same things that he's done in the past that worked to keep the two of you together, only he'll try _harder_ at them.

Yep, it's exactly what he is doing now.

Wow predictable

YouMeI posted 11/26/2017 06:12 AM

The committee wishes all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday weekend.

Between the "2" of us we would need more then one Turkey

I hope you all had a nice holiday.

I was pretty sick and the baby was really sick. So Mr.Kate. and Mrs.Kate were running on very little sleep.

But even though Mrs.Kate had to do all the shopping and running around she still was able to make her best Turkey ever!

This season I am thankful for 2nd chances and to be able to spend the holidays with the people I love the most.

It was a weird holiday for me, given that my oldest teen isn't around. I understand that for now it is for the greater good I just feel...emotionally lost at times? Or confused?

Your brain often will try to reflect on past holidays or events. My break down a couple years ago was more or less at this exact moment. So my brain is constantly pulling up these very dark disturbing thoughts [of self harm and suicide]. Just memories of feeling this way not ways that I feel currently.

Without my oldest teen to bat them away the feelings kind of just settle in.

This is good because it gives my other 3 "me's" the chance to process these things and to work through them. It is just no fun.

Lavender0916 posted 11/26/2017 09:59 AM

YouMeI, congratulations! It's beautiful for me to hear that you have an understanding or awareness of what is going on. To be able to articulate it and bring yourself to a calm or close to it. That is amazing work in just 2 years. Woo hoo. The pain still exists and i am sorry for that. Notice the calm when it happens.

So sorry everyone was sick during the Holiday. Hope all is better.

Nice to see you on the boards

hopefulkate posted 11/28/2017 10:02 AM

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

After a long battle...little Kate is actually napping in her bed - and not on me! What?!

Fingers crossed this happens at bed time too.

Hope all is well!

Lavender0916 posted 11/28/2017 21:55 PM

Hopeful,
Some of my favorite memories are of lilLavender sleeping on me. Glad the family is better.

I am hanging in there. This shit his hard. When he does come home he lies where he has been living his fantasy. I tell him about the kids and school stuff and ignored his lies and go to bed.

Funny no mention of his IC. I know mine was off last week. Hmmm. I am debating to even ask him about it this weekend. I cannot believe the school is letting him play Santa for our Christmas breakfast. Have to call my lawyer.

Lavender0916 posted 11/29/2017 20:38 PM

My blasted WH keeps asking me daily "you ok"
Finally I had it and wrote the timeline of deceit and shitty emotions. A letter to him only to myself. Make sense. With an ending of Jee, how do I feel? Good bye and F yourself.

Then I cried.....

Jorge posted 11/30/2017 10:31 AM

I'm a sex addict. I am hypersexual. That's the first time I've ever uttered those words to anyone. The shame has been building for years. Can anyone share with me how you or your spouse overcame this or is in the process of overcoming it?

Did you inform your spouse?
How long did it take?
Where there relapses and if so, how many?
How did your sex addiction impact your life?

I'm addicted to porn. It's like a high I have to have.I don't know if I'm ashamed at liking sex so much and don't want to tell my wife . I think I know how it started, but I'm not sure. I have a female cousin who's kind of like a big sister to me and is about 7 older. When I was 7 or 8 and she was mid-teens, we were taking a nap on the same bed. She took my hand, placed it between her thighs and non-verbally showed me how to finger her. I vividly remember the scene. I only remember it happening once or twice. I recall wanting to repeat it and always took a midday nap when she did, pretending to be sleepy.

When I sought to do it again, she scolded me to stop and that was the last we engaged with that activity. Neither she or I have ever talked about it since, 45 years later. I'm not sure she'd even remember. Her aroma, wetness and response to my touch lingered with me for years. Still does.

After that experience, I sought anything out that had to do with sex or female body/anatomy. By mid-teens, I was a complete addict. I honestly didn't think much of how abnormal that was until my late 20's when a pure FWB who was the female version of me said jokingly, you know , that's (my obsession with sex and porn) not normal.

I laughed thinking she was just joking, but she said it a couple more times in a serious tone. I think in looking back, she explored her own over sexuality, concluded she was oversexed and therefor recognized an oversexed person when she saw one, (me) and just wanted to tell me.

Abnormal or not, I was just glad to be with her as there was no dating or going to the movies or anything. I've lost a lot being this way and want to remedy this life long obsession. My one and only positive if you want to call it that is, I've never cheated on my wife of 25 years. But then again, I've cheated her out of more sex than she could ever want to have.

hopefulkate posted 11/30/2017 12:26 PM

Oh (((Lavender)))!!!!!! That is so hard!! I love that you wrote it all out. I hope that even though it brought pain, did it help in a cathartic way too?? Hope today is a little better.

*****
I triggered myself right stupid just by looking at some of these stories again...why? Why when I am feeling lonely and sad and bad (and hormonal) is the go-to to pain shop? It's senseless and has me in quite a foul mood. I am struggling, or working through forgiveness and moving on...so why still when I have these really good moments am I still thrown back here? Brains are stupid.
******

Welcome, Jorge. Good for you for posting and sharing!! It is not easy, but the first step is often the hardest right?

I can't speak for everyone, but MrKate had quite the porn obsession I never knew about - it affected our sex life as it ramped up the deeper his depression got, and whether or not it contributed to his affair is something I can't say. I don't think so, except for the fact that sex becomes desensitized even more-so maybe??

He told me about it in the following way:
The A, his Abuse, then Porn usage- this was sort of a string of confessions over a few weeks times.

I am glad to know of it because it sure as hell made a lot more sense out of my life and things I was blaming myself for.

Will your wife find this to be a betrayal anyway? I mean, obviously secrets are betrayals, but some view porn in the same light as an actual affair.

Do you have a counselor trained in abuse and addiction?

Take care and post often. This is a wonderfully supportive bunch!


Lavender0916 posted 11/30/2017 15:20 PM

Welcome Jorge, Very brave to make the commitment to heal and confront those things that are not working. You will find much encouragement here.

Back at you ((((((((((Hopeful)))))))))). 2 years, those are still clear hurtful memories. My oldest DD was watching Shameless just a minute ago and I had to tell her to turn it off. Of course she was not happy and spurted off some show my DS and I were watching and she had a similar reaction and we didn't change the channel. TV was upstairs then. When I work from home I have no place to go.

I am roller coaster emotions but at least it is not a steady hurt, or steady anxiety attack.

Like DM said, my WH is trying harder on what worked in the past. Sent a "loving" txt this morning after he was only home 1 night this week. WH finally have weekends off and wants "family" time. Not with me his doesn't get it. Can take the kids. Hopeful told me in a PM why do I have to respond? I guess I don't. My inner mantra...what does Lavender want to do? What does Lavender want to do?....All about Lavender now and the kids.

1) Lavender wants to get her tree and decorate, put boxes away. This is not going to ruin Christmas.
2) Lavender wants to tell WH what my boundaries are and those consequences! woo hoo Consequences!!
3) Enjoy the school Santa Breakfast and watch a movie with my kids...and include some wine

Lavender found a S-Anon meeting, unfortunately not that close but doable at least once a month; once the addiction gets its true hold; for my financial security and how to get them to leave in when housing/rents are so high.

Love this forum. Already calmer.

silverhopes posted 12/4/2017 00:34 AM

Currently getting triggered over a thread about Angela Lansbury. Thinking I need to step back from that thread, because instead of communicating well, I'm alienating people instead. Does it ever stop or get easier? Fear and remembering the sexual assaults and abuse?

Just feels like, with all the recent stuff being brought to life in the media about the many people who have been sexually assaulted, it feels like it's too soon to be dissecting what women should be wearing (should not be dissecting what men wear either, but I don't tend to hear that as much). For so long, this crime wasn't taken seriously enough. Now we're finally speaking up loud enough to be heard... And we're being shut down like this?! Still being questioned on what we wore. Still being asked why we didn't come forward sooner - when some of us did and were shut down back then too! Doesn't this say something, that our society's response is to put the sufferer through even more of a wringer than they have already faced?

Anyway, I hope you all are doing OK today. I'm triggering like heck. Holding you all in my heart.

Just realized why I'm still triggering. It's because of what Mr Silver did last year. It's been almost a year since he was arrested and kept in jail, though he's in program now. Last year this time was when all the bad stuff happened. He wasn't himself. But he did hurtful things to me. There were a couple of things he did that felt like it had elements of sexual abuse in it. But I'm afraid I am overreacting. So maybe that's why I'm not further along. This stuff is fresher than I was realizing before. I keep telling myself I should have gotten past all this by now.

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