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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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YouMeI posted 12/9/2017 07:07 AM

Does it ever stop or get easier? Fear and remembering the sexual assaults and abuse?

I am coming of some pretty horrific dreams last night but I still have to say yes it becomes easier. I don't have as many nights like last night as I use to.

But you are right in that the days have become much harder. Sexual abuse stories are EVERYWHERE so I personally have been swimming in this crap daily.

it feels like it's too soon to be dissecting what women should be wearing

It will always be to soon to be having that conversation as far as I am concerned. Any animal that says "look what she was wearing" should immediately get an extra 10 years on their sentence.

But I'm afraid I am overreacting. So maybe that's why I'm not further along. This stuff is fresher than I was realizing before. I keep telling myself I should have gotten past all this by now.

I do this to. That is the rug sweeper in us. The part of us that just wants all of this to go away. What helps to bring me back to earth is putting someone else in my shoes, and seeing how that would make me feel.

A pretty tame example, so no triggers [I hope].

When I was 14-15 years old I was on a travel league baseball team. My mother drove me to practice drunk. The coach had not showed up yet but one of the kids brought a bucket of balls. So my drunk mother grabbed the bucket of balls and screamed at my friends to get in the batters box and she was going to throw batting practice. Some did. All who did got pelted with baseballs. While other parents just watched. She screamed at me to grab a bat. I refused. I was frozen. My friends looked at me in horror. She screamed over and over that I sucked and that's why I wouldn't hit [I was picked first for this team but I still believed her] Eventually she called us all a part of the female anatomy and walked off the field.

So sometimes I will replay that in my head and think to myself. Was it really that bad...nobody probably even remembers it. Then I imagine myself doing that to my kids and I almost throw up.

If you think its that bad, its that bad.

Lavender0916 posted 12/10/2017 17:53 PM

Thank you for sharing YouMeI. I am so sorry. It is very brave of you to come here and share your stories. Sadly the baseball story is a horrible memory. I know have those, but just do not remember. I wish I did. We all encourage to share since it is such a safe forum. Despite the sadness, the sharing is a release. At least it is for me...


My WH still lies. I ignore it. I am buying my time until I meet with my attorney. Unfortunately, my WH isn't into recovery. Yet, tells me i am "never going to trust him" and "not into R". It's been 2 weeks since I told him he better be in IC or its D, and that still hasn't had one appt. Can't seem to schedule it, "with all the work shifts". I have proof he still sees his AP, but doesn't matter "he is working double shifts". My favorite very hurtful comment was, "D is all I know from my parents." We are "in house" separated, but he is never at the house. I need to find out my legal rights. I have a DSS that I don't have legal rights too and don't want to rock that boat for his sake. He has been in my life since he was 2 years old. His bio mom is a wack job. Poor kid, Dad completely dissociating and SA(teen/protector) 95% of the time, and a mom a NPD, Borderline who dissociates as well.

I don't have happy/hard recovery stories. We(HE) are moving to D. WH is not interested in R, or capable of it. Not sure what that rock bottom means to him but it isn't losing us.

Jorge posted 12/11/2017 18:58 PM


I didn't know I was abused until a month ago when a SI member informed me after I told my story about my sex/porn addiction. An older cousin of 7-8 years and who to this day is like a big sister to me kind of manipulated me into bed with her, placed my hand between her thighs and directed me to caress her down there. I was around 6, 7 or 8 years old.

I clearly remember however, the smell , wetness and feel of her sex. I was pretty much hooked from that point on. I never connected my addiction to porn and this experience until a couple years ago and I'm in my 50's. I've never told anyone, even my wife, so it's kind of odd saying it here. It helps just being able to articulate what happened. I didn't think about it as bad, because I characterized the experience as being "hot", and therefor not bad, but I was once reading about a teacher who had an inappropriate relationship with a young student and how it was deemed criminal.

Being a guy, I couldn't relate to getting seduced as being criminal, but after thinking about my experience and how it may have led me to a secret lifestyle that I can't seem to control, I kind of concluded my experience as not a good thing. I think the SI member used the word molested. It's still odd to hear and apply to my situation, but I guess I was molested.

YouMeI posted 12/13/2017 12:53 PM

So I am working on getting my "personalities" under control. I am trying to get to a place of co-did so no one part of me has full control over the body. If that makes sense?

So when I experience depression or trauma I disassociate with several possibilites.

There is 1-7 year old me, 7-14ish year old, 15-20, and current me.

But all of "me's" also have what I call gingerbread men. If I say disassociate to the young teen version of me that version will asses the situation. Meaning is he in danger or is he safe. If he is safe he plays or does whatever a young teen does. If he is not safe he will turn into a gingerbread man.

By gingerbread man I mean he will turn into an emotionless child, who will do what is necessary to get out of the current situation.

An example would be abuse or even the A. In both situations he was in danger. The quicker he goes through abuse/sex the quicker he can get out of the situation. So do as your told and it will all be over soon.

This is why co-did is huge. I can't let anyone else get control of my body or even full control of my brain. Those boys those me's don't share the same values or have the same understanding of the world that I do. So they should never be in control of the ship.

So what I am trying to do with therapy is put them all into a safe place. A month or so ago we determined that my older teen was causing more harm then good. His heart is in the right place, he wants to protect everyone but he is over bearing. So we sent him off to play basektball.

The youngest version of me was our target yesterday. We went over his needs and wants. At the end of an emotional session my therapist suggested that we tuck him into bed. Wow, I felt instant relief. I actually felt like he was going to have his first real night of sleep in 3 decades....and he is still sleeping! So He feels very peaceful inside me now.

So Now the goal is to practice this. If I start to feel him come up and it's not an appropriate time I will try to just tuck him in. So the adult me can handle the situation and I know he will be in a safe place.

There is so much more! And I apologize. I don't go back and edit my posts. I don't have a ton of mental endurance or agility to type these things out but I want to get it out.

hopefulkate posted 12/14/2017 17:30 PM

Bump. :)

This process is fascinating to watch and amazing to see!

Redundant? Maybe.

YouMeI posted 12/14/2017 20:44 PM

So since the young me has been tucked in I have found comfort in knowing he is safe but now I am left with the fears and the triggers he was experiencing right before we tucked him in.

I mentioned before how not having the older teen around that I felt like a soldier without a gun. Now I am without my youngest.

Holidays have always been rough for me, and now we are on the anniversary of my mental break down and breaking my wifes heart, our hearts.

My brain is more quite, but as of today 1/2 of me feels like its missing. And I feel it. It's a different kind of pain.

I am trying to change my narrative.

Rather then it be the season of of me falling, maybe it can be the season of when I finally picked myself up and got help.

Also I wanted to say my oldest just had his first band performance and he was amazing. So proud of him. But before that the choir performed a few songs.

One of the songs chosen for the children to sing was written by a pedophile...that's so fucking painful and gross. I started to disassociate but Hopefull kept bumping into me...she gets me

silverhopes posted 12/16/2017 04:40 AM

It will always be to soon to be having that conversation as far as I am concerned. Any animal that says "look what she was wearing" should immediately get an extra 10 years on their sentence.

YouMeI, thank you for this.

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmares, and you make a good point about putting someone else in your shoes and then trying to imagine if it's "that bad" (it is). Your story about baseball I'm so sorry. That's a terrible thing to go through, especially at the hands of your mother. I can't even imagine how much that child's (your) heart was hurting hearing what she said.

Lavender, I am so sorry your H is doing this to you and your family. How old is your DSS? Is there a way for you two to keep in touch if the D goes through? You have your own special relationship with him that your H can never take away. You are a second mother to him. Quick tj: I had a similar situation as a teen. My mother tried to keep me away from my stepmother at one point during their "dispute" (my Mom cheated, imo, and they broke up. The details are complicated, but I feel it was infidelity). It hurt deeply being kept away from my stepmother. We kept our connection anyway, and in fact it strengthened over the years. /tj I think you can do the same with your DSS if you both want to. And you probably ground him and help him feel stable and safe, especially with the other adults in his life not being stable emotionally for him.

What are you doing for self-care right now?

Welcome, Jorge. It was a very brave step to share what you've been through. How are you doing today? Sometimes in the days after talking about this, it can get rougher or lead to more recollections or a lot of different thoughts and emotions. Please don't blame yourself for thinking it was "hot" before - it was your experience and it was all you knew. You were a kid. And it makes sense that you might be struggling with reframing the experience now. It can feel weird to use some of the terms to describe what happened to us. I know for a long time I didn't know what to call what had happened (one incident in particular). 'Harassed' seemed too mild. I "wasn't actually raped", as my H said, as if therefore what happened wasn't so bad or traumatic. Even though 'sexual assault' was accurate, it took a long time before it felt like the words matched, and even longer to accept that no, I wasn't making a big deal about "nothing".

Has your cousin ever addressed with you what she did?

I admit that I came here for support on something, but I'm not sure how to go about saying it. I think I deserve the hateful things my husband says to me. But it's been triggering memories of the sexual abuse and assaults. I have not done what my husband is accusing me of. He has been accusing me of this since the beginning of our relationship. I am a mad-hatter (BS first, then WS, then BS again), so this is understandable. I did not do the things he is accusing me of doing when I was WS, but it is completely understandable that he wouldn't trust me. I'm trying to prove to him that I am where I say I am, that I am alone, and that I am being faithful and protective of our marriage. Sometimes, like tonight, he says the n-word. From the beginning, he's accused me of cheating on him with black men (I am half-black). I never have. A couple of my past assailants were black men, two of whom he knew (he accused me of being unfaithful with one of them, while I was trying to ask for help in making the guy stop harassing me, which happened in the wake of the other one assaulting me). I don't have a problem with black men or anyone in general, but his specific terms he uses brings up very vivid memories of those assaults, and others. I'm not sure what to do. Should I just take it? I feel like I deserve it from him. I'm not sure where the line is between accepting my dues and emotional abuse. I haven't self-harmed. I've kept trying to prove myself to him and tried to keep him safe. His continued lying about his own activities hurts me also. When I try to apologize for my own jealousy and suspicion, he uses it against me as an explanation of why I'm crazy or bipolar, but says that I am persecuting him and not letting him have any friends. I try to tell him I'm glad he has friends, I just don't like it when he lies to me about them.

This situation is complicated. I need to find balance between "I deserve this" and "this isn't helping us heal". Is it invalidating of him that I feel worse and worse? Last year, during his decompensation, he stuck his lighter between my legs and flicked it on. It singed some of my hairs, which wasn't a big deal, but it also scared the shit out of me and made me feel violated. Then he shoved his fingers inside of me, even after I told him to stop. There was more stuff that happened, but those two were the things that hold elements of sexual abuse for me. But maybe I'm overreacting. I just don't know how to feel safe anymore.

If it were my best friend all this was happening to, I'd feel shocked, devastated, protective, and a whole lot of other things. I wouldn't want her to go through this. But I hold myself to a different standard. My best friend isn't mentally ill like me, nor has she alienated the people around her to the extent that I have. I deserve to suffer, I feel sometimes. Other times, I fight against that and feel that I just want to be left alone to heal and not hate myself anymore and not let my abusers take up my headspace.

OK. Time to go visit that high room up in the snow that DM helped me identify. But I keep feeling their hands on my body. I don't want to feel their hands anymore, so how to I force them to stop in my mind? I don't want to accept their hands.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:47 AM, December 16th (Saturday)]

devotedman posted 12/16/2017 23:04 PM

silverhopes, wow. That was really hard to read because I think that you're asking if it is okay to be abused. And a bit later you acknowledge that, for anyone else, it would be abuse but for you it is not. Ouch, and in my opinion, you are wrong there. You do not deserve that.

BS/WS/whatthefuckever. At some point a _spouse_ can become abusive. You do not have to take it. You can demand that you be treated as a human. Granted, you might get backed into a position of you and Little Silver leaving. You are being abused, though. No doubt about that.

You said:

I think I deserve the hateful things my husband says to me.

You do not deserve the hateful things that he says. For me there is an interplay between truthful things that hurt and truths said in a way that hurt and then there's being deliberately _hateful_. Just like no one deserves to be hit (unless they start hitting first and then defensively only), no one deserves to be beaten up verbally. Someone close might lose it and talk that way and you might decide to give them a pass on it, but you didn't really deserve it.

I have not done what my husband is accusing me of. He has been accusing me of this since the beginning of our relationship. I am a mad-hatter (BS first, then WS, then BS again), so this is understandable.

I want to be very clear here. It is not understandable that he is _accusing_ you, mad-hatter status or no. He can ask, he can say that he _thinks_ that you might be cheating, but coming down with real wrath-of-God stuff and accusing and haranguing is going too far, in my opinion.

That conversation should go something like this:
"Silverhopes, I think that you're cheating. I've seen X and Y behavior and we haven't built trust back yet [DM note: why not?] Maybe you have and maybe you haven't, but I cannot trust you. We should split. What do you think?"

That's when you get the chance to talk it out. Or, he just hands you D papers and goes. Or you do that to him. But doing shit like singeing hairs with a lighter? Nope, that crosses the line.

With your "I think I deserve the hateful things" and "so this is understandable" comments you are giving him permission to act an ass. And then he slings racial slurs. Silverhopes, this is just _wrong_. Not one part of it, but all of it, is just _wrong_ and shows heaps of disrespect.

Remember the old SI line, "we teach people how to treat us by what we accept"? By accepting that treatment, by thinking that you deserve it, you are teaching him that it is okay to do those things.

I'm trying to prove to him that I am where I say I am, that I am alone, and that I am being faithful and protective of our marriage. Sometimes, like tonight, he says the n-word.

You seem to be doing the right things and he responds like that? May I ask if you are being accountable because it is what the two of you have agreed, or if you are knuckling under? Are you being accountable, or are you being meek and submissive of an abuser?

I'm not sure where the line is between accepting my dues and emotional abuse.

Since you are both mad-hatters, does he do the same things that you do? He's cheated twice, what has he done or what is he doing to be a safe partner to you? Well, I guess that I just answered my own question. He's _projecting_ his cheating onto you, I think, and he's got you convinced that you deserve it. Ergo, he is not a safe partner.

And you answered my question already, with this:

His continued lying about his own activities hurts me also. When I try to apologize for my own jealousy and suspicion, he uses it against me as an explanation of why I'm crazy or bipolar, but says that I am persecuting him and not letting him have any friends. I try to tell him I'm glad he has friends, I just don't like it when he lies to me about them.

He isn't a safe partner, silverhopes. I'm sorry, but he isn't.

I have friends both male and female. When I start dating I talk about both of them -but- I cut out activities with the female ones -unless- the woman that I'm dating goes along, too. And when that happens I make sure that it is obvious which woman I am with. One gets hand-holding, arm around shoulder, and that sort of stuff and one doesn't. (Nor does the friend if I'm not dating anyone, but sometimes we go do stuff together.) There's no lies from me because I'm not doing something that I think that I have to hide.

My best friend isn't mentally ill like me, nor has she alienated the people around her to the extent that I have.

This does not mean that you deserve to be abused. You might have to work on yourself if you want to be safe for someone, but you don't deserve to be abused.

I just want to be left alone to heal and not hate myself anymore

I understand this, there've been times when I wanted the same thing for me. Neither you nor I deserve to hate ourselves. Both you and I have things to work on, anyone alive does, too.

Good luck in your mental room, and don't forget the breathing pattern!

silverhopes posted 12/17/2017 11:37 AM

Even though I'm a mad-hatter, it doesn't mean I deserve what he's doing to me?

That conversation should go something like this:
"Silverhopes, I think that you're cheating. I've seen X and Y behavior and we haven't built trust back yet [DM note: why not?] Maybe you have and maybe you haven't, but I cannot trust you. We should split. What do you think?"

I wish so much it would go like this. Something civil. It would hurt, but it wouldn't fill me with terror. And it would give me a chance to earn his trust. But he's really immature. He's not in the home right now, because of what happened last year. The courts have not given him the OK to come home yet. So... maybe it's OK if I find some solace in being alone right now. I love the moments when it's just me and Lil Silver. And when he's at school and I'm by myself, it feels like I can hear myself think.

I think this is what I'm gonna do: let myself be alone as much as possible, with the exception of Lil Silver. It's OK to be alone. It's refreshing and safe to be alone. I'm going to let Mr Silver have the space he obviously needs to heal and become a healthier person. The courts are supposed to take responsibility on finding him the support system he needs (he's in DV classes right now, among others). So I'll let them do their job and stop worrying about him for a minute. It's too easy for me to get sucked in when he hates me so much.

OK. I'm going to seek out a space for me and Lil Silver where there is an absence of hate. That's my goal right now.

Thank you for listening and helping me, DM. I had to reread your post a few times. It's scary to me to think I don't deserve to be abused. I'm not sure why that's scary. But your post feels a lot closer to reality than the abuse and scary thoughts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me right now.

devotedman posted 12/18/2017 06:50 AM

Even though I'm a mad-hatter, it doesn't mean I deserve what he's doing to me?

Sigh, grin, this is going to be tough to pin down exactly.

I have read, and read about, some studies that have shown that very young children have an innate sense of fairness. From what I've read it seems to be very situational between individuals and not something that is long-term. Like, I've got two toys and I'm not using one. You try to take the second toy and I grab it back. So you get upset and grab it. I'm explaining this badly, by the way, but I cannot seem to do better, so bear with me. What you don't do to establish fairness is hit me every time after that that you see me.

Now take two adults, one of whom is currently betraying, gaslighting, trickle-truthing, etc. (standard WS behavior) the other. This really, really makes the mental state of the BS/victim/cheatee very, very bad. Do some people simply lose it and open up a can of jellied whoop-ass on the betrayer? Yes, they do. Are they completely responsible for that? From me, that gets a qualified, "maybe," depending on the situation.

I do think that it is possible to put someone in such a horrible life situation that they can't think straight. Their mind has nothing, no basis, no solid foundation, upon which to ground themselves. People in long-term stressful situations fall apart, both mentally and physically. High-blood pressure, situational depression, that sort of thing. Women, and men, who go back to their abusers time after time until they're killed. People who suddenly snap and go all postal on the abuser.

All of that explanation to get to asking this question, silverhopes: Are you creating an environment like that for Mr. Silver?

Remember, I don't really know you and you don't really know me. I do think that you seem very much better than the first few posts of yours that I read a long time ago.

I don't _think_ that you are actively creating such a home environment. You don't come across as the type.

Now, the next question: Is Mr. Silver creating an environment like that for you?

You said that he:

Sometimes, like tonight, he says the n-word. From the beginning, he's accused me of cheating on him with black men (I am half-black).

and
his specific terms he uses brings up very vivid memories of those assaults, and others. I'm not sure what to do. Should I just take it?

and then you also say that you:
I was trying to ask for help in making the guy stop harassing me, which happened in the wake of the other one assaulting me

and
don't like it when he lies to me about them

and
I'm trying to prove to him that I am where I say I am, that I am alone, and that I am being faithful and protective of our marriage

That stuff I quoted just doesn't sound like you're lying to him, gaslighting him, betraying him (with or without physical cheating). I seem to remember that it has been a while since you were the WS. How have you been since? Are you truthful, consistent, etc.? Are you in a situation where you know how to react, or not? Do you let his actions control how you react?

(As an aside, I'm about as light-skinned as you can get. Blond, blue, and the skin that goes with that. I've dated everything from like me to very dark. I've only ever referred to skin color as a positive thing and reminded the darker ones that I can't be out in the sun as long as they can.)

This whole, long, rambling, question-filled post to get to this: From the way that you write and the things that you write about I don't think that you're creating a situation where you "deserve" to be treated like that, nor do I think that you're creating a situation where he, as a BS/MH, can be extended the understanding, grace, compassion, and gentle "don't do that no more" that SI normally extends to a BS in a horrible living situation when they lose it.

One more: Is Little Silver growing up in the kind of M environment that you want him to be in one day, either playing the part of Mr. Silver or playing the part of Silverhopes? If not, what can you do to change that?

Edit: No, I don't think that anyone _deserves_ this sort of treatment. It can be an understandable reaction, but not a deserved one.

[This message edited by devotedman at 7:03 AM, December 18th, 2017 (Monday)]

silverhopes posted 12/18/2017 11:26 AM

I promise to respond to your post, DM. I take a lot of what you said to heart. Right now, I need to spill what just happened, because it's hurting me:


So he at least seemed to make an effort just now to be honest, that's the good news. The bad news is that I pried it out of him, and what he's actually doing hurts my heart.

These days, whenever he visits, he asks me for money. Then he usually doubles what he's asking for either when he gets here or just before he comes over. Today is his pay day. I asked him what he was doing - we used to see each other Mondays, but then he began claiming he was too busy. So for once, he was honest with me.

He said he was going to the movies. Then I somehow got out of him that he's going with friends. Then I asked who and he began to get exasperated, before he told me R, R's boyfriend, and P. P is a girl who he has previously told me he's been mistaken for cheating with. She's one of the friends he lied to me about - he only told me about the time he had to go to our therapy center to escort her there, despite the courts being clear he was not allowed to go there, and that the penalty could be more time away from our family. I was furious then. So apparently they're friends. He borrowed a bunch of movies at one point to watch with a group of people in the recovery house he was staying at - she was one of the folks he watched the movies with. I've never met her. And now they're going to the movies with their other two friends, who are in a relationship. I asked to come with them, he said he couldn't because of the courts. So I pointed out that it was kind of like a double date, with he and P going together. He defensively said he wasn't even going to sit next to her.

I could go on, but it hurts so much. They're going to see Star Wars. A series I love, that he knows I love (previously, he wouldn't let me even talk about Star Wars without accusing me of being unfaithful with N, the guy who was harassing me after the first one assaulted me, since N liked Star Wars). He tried to tell me that we'll be going on Wednesday to see Justice League... Except that I know I'll be expected to pay for him and myself. And he knows I have no money. At least he says he wasn't going to pay for P.

I promise I'll come back to respond to your post a bit later, DM. This was just quite a shock for me. I thought, after the fights we've been having lately, that he wouldn't do this. Of course, some part of me whispers that I'm overreacting. Can't really listen to that part of me right now. At minimum, that part of me could stand to acknowledge that this is trigger city, and that he knows this. And if he doesn't know this, then just how much compassion does he really have for how much he's hurt me in the past? Not much. And like you said, I taught him how to treat me. I fought back several times, but in the end I let myself be beaten by him over and over again. And now he does this, and it HURTS. It hurts so much. More than ever, I want to be alone. Just me and Lil Silver, far away from his drama and hurtfulness. I'll feel better eventually if I can just be alone.

Also: hell no, I'm not going to the movies with him on Wednesday.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:29 AM, December 18th (Monday)]

hopefulkate posted 12/19/2017 07:42 AM

(((Silverhopes)))

My advice? Let him go. He is abusing you. Fact.

You deserve better.

YOU deserve better.

Think about that for a while. Really. Just because MrKate broke down and cheated does NOT give me the right to treat him like crap, lie, gaslight, or abuse.

If this was your friend that was going through this, what would you say? I think you answered this one already. I get the ‘no self worth’ thing, but that is just your ball of shame from old abusers. It is not yours and you don’t need to carry it anymore.

YOU deserve better. Really.

silverhopes posted 12/19/2017 08:51 AM

Their mind has nothing, no basis, no solid foundation, upon which to ground themselves.

This, right here, is exactly how I feel most of the time.

I seem to remember that it has been a while since you were the WS. How have you been since? Are you truthful, consistent, etc.? Are you in a situation where you know how to react, or not? Do you let his actions control how you react?

Yes, I am truthful and consistent. I tell him everything. I am mindful of my conduct and always act in ways to emphasize to everyone that I am married, so that no one would ever be able to say they were unaware of this (e.g. I'm on a bus wearing headphones, a strange man asks how I am, I reply, "I'm happily married." He apologizes, and I promptly tell Mr Silver the next time I talk to him). As a result, I can't remember the last time anyone tried to test that, aside from my abusers. And I have new ways of dealing with them. Namely, the one who assaulted me at the halfway house goes to my therapy center, unfortunately. He has harassed me twice; both times I have told my caseworkers. The first time, nothing was done, so I told the women's group there, who rallied around me. The last time it happened, I went and stood by the meds counter and told staff what was happening. My caseworker said that they would schedule me for later appointments so as not to run into him. And I've told Mr Silver about each and every one of these times immediately.

Mr Silver has accused me that with all the times he's accused me of cheating, I must have gone out by now and acted on it and screwed someone else. I tell him that no one but me controls my morals, and that him saying those vile things over and over again is NOT going to make me go out and do them. I tell him that I will not betray him again, and I will not betray Lil Silver either. Mr Silver doesn't see what I did as WS as cheating, even though I told him everything and take responsibility for what I did, because in his mind, as long as there was no sex, kissing, or falling in love, then it wasn't cheating. It was in February 2010. I still know that I betrayed him, us, and myself, so I still hold that I am a WS.

As for everything that's happened... well, after yesterday, and now that I've seen the phone and text records over the last month, I have blocked Mr Silver from calling or texting me. Looks like he was texting P into the wee hours of the morning even more so than I knew, at times ignoring texts from me (like the one two weeks ago where I told him Lil Silver was throwing up and I wasn't sure whether or not to keep him home from school). So... yeah. Not happy with him. Just wanna sleep for the next week or so, take care of my son (help him catch up on homework, eat properly, overall help him feel safe and happy), and otherwise be left alone.

silverhopes posted 12/19/2017 09:02 AM

Note: I am still his wife, and I'll still be conducting myself as such. I'll just be spending a lot of time by myself. I'll need to be extra vigilant and firm in my "do not disturb". Certain family members aren't always respectful of that boundary. Now's really not the time for them to test me on that.

Oh yeah, it doesn't escape me that they're probably texting each other right now. It seems like they've started at 7am some of their days, hours before he even says good morning to me.

Oh well, not my concern (repeat until it sticks).

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:05 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

hopefulkate posted 12/22/2017 21:33 PM

Hi everyone. Absolutely lovely time of the year! The countdown to the end of the holidays is upon us! That’s right, it is now just a *mere* 10 days away!!! Hooray!

Good riddens holidays and all that wrapped up in them.

MrKate shared his story today in the wayward section. After reading it, it belongs here. Meanwhile, I remain on the crazy train. Anyone else going to nowhere healthy really fast??

10 more days.....10 more days...

DaddyDom posted 12/23/2017 19:10 PM

My other story

(Thank you to YouMeI for sharing his story, which inspired me to do the same)

I've never really told this story to anyone, and only in the past few months did I finally open up and share it with my wife. In this forum it is really nothing anyone hasn't heard before. But I feel as though when I hear others stories, it helps me to cope and heal, and so I am sharing mine in hopes that it will help someone else.

When I was young, I think around age 6-8 but I'm not really sure, was when I was first sexually abused. My mother was friends with a woman who lived in the same neighborhood as us, and who also shared our same last name. This woman had a son who was older than me, I am guessing he was probably 13? We would go over their house to visit sometimes, and as the ladies chatted it up and drank their tea, they sent me up to his room to play.

At the time, I was very much into toy cars, such as Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars. He had a big, plastic car case full of miniatures in there. I can still remember the plastic smell of the cheap, thin vinyl it was made out of, and the light blue trays full of tiny square holes and little compartments that each car was placed into. There must have been around 50 cars in there, but for me, there was one that really stood out. It was an Aston Martin spy car, just like the ones from the James Bond movies. What I loved most about it were the little mechanical features it had. When you pressed a button on the car, a "bullet proof screen" would pop up in the back of the car. It was one of things you just couldn't help but play with, making the screen pop up, resetting it and doing it over and over again. As a 6 year old boy it fascinated me.

Every time I came over, I would run upstairs and ask him if he could open his closet and let me see all the cars, and I always went for the Aston Martin right away. One day, I remember he did something odd. When I asked to play with the car, he suddenly seemed to have an emotional attachment to it, and told me how it was his favorite car, and so on. He didn't seem to want to let me play with it anymore, which made me very upset as I really looked forward to playing with that specific car all the time. But then he suggested something along the lines of, "Well, if I let you play with my car, what will you do for me?".

There is a blank spot for me there. I don't remember exactly what was said after that, how I felt or what I said, all I know is that the toy car was in that moment pretty much all that existed in the world, and I wanted it so badly that I would pretty much anything for it. I guess that's how most 6 year olds think and feel, right?

He was a tall boy with thick, curly hair and a thin build, thin lips and a gaunt face. I remember he wore these brick red, ToughSkin jeans from Sears, and a t-shirt with some band on it. I think it may have been Alice Cooper. He sat on the edge of the bed and instructed me to kneel down between his legs. He told me to unzip his pants, and then had me pull his white Fruit of the Loom's down and pull his dick out, lifting his balls over the waistband of the undies. It was gross, I didn't want to, and it felt so disgusting in my hands. I had never been that close up to a penis before, and I can remember the fleshy smell of it, the warmth from his body as it emanated from the open zipper. He began to tell me what to do to him, to put it in my mouth, to swirl my tongue around and to suck up and down. I didn't have a lot of patience to keep going, so he had to keep prodding me to do more, to lick up and down the shaft, to lick his balls. I remember there were all these loose threads inside the zipper of his jeans, the same brick red color, and they kept getting in my mouth as I worked on him. How strange now to think that the threads stand out to me, they were so annoying. I couldn't take as much of him in as he wanted because my mouth was so small, and because it was just so gross, but he seemed to enjoy it and encouraged me to keep going.

At some point, we switched places. He unzipped my pants and took my penis out and then put it in his mouth. It felt really good. He could fit all of me in his mouth, and it was warm and wet, and he had much more focus and persistence than I did. I don't remember ejaculating and don't think I did. It felt...weird. Wrong. I knew what was going on was something bad, something a good boy doesn't do, and at that time I was the kind of kid who never did bad things. It felt good but I wanted him to stop, I just wanted the car. He was telling me to do it however, so I had to do it. That's how 6 years old works. It went back and forth a few times, him on me, me on him, until he finally started to tell me to "not stop" and then the warm, thick, bleachy taste of his spunk was in my mouth. He made me put everything back in his pants and zip him up, and then he finally told me I was allowed to play with the car.

This happened over and over again each time we went to visit, I don't remember how often that was, but it was several times at least. As time went on, things progressed. Pants came off, things got inserted into me, and at some point he invited his big, fat, ugly (bully) friend over and said that I needed to do to his friend what I did to him. As much as I hated having to service my abuser, he was at least... gentle I guess. This fat bully was not. While I didn't have the words to put to the feelings at the time, I would say that I felt like a prostitute that day. I felt used and gross and dirty.

One day he tried to insert himself into me from behind, but couldn't get very far, I was much too tight and it hurt too much. Instead, he picked up a #2 pencil and stuck into my behind, eraser end first. He didn't use any lube however and so the pencil was very rough and hurt me. Later, my mom and I walked home and it hurt the whole way. My mother made me drop my pants so she could see what was hurting so much, and saw how red and irritated it was. I was so embarrassed and felt so guilty. I knew it was wrong, what I did. She got upset with me and asked me what the heck happened, so I broke down crying and told her about the pencil. She told me she didn't believe me, that I must have been "experimenting" and playing with myself, and she was very upset that I was being so dishonest and blaming the boy for this. The next day we returned to their house and she made apologize to the boy in front of her and his mother, for lying about him and trying to get him in trouble. I did. After that, we didn't visit there again and it was never spoken of again.

I dunno. I put it all in a box long ago, that's what I do. I forgave him and while I clearly never forgot about it, it also didn't enter my mind. No triggers, no nightmares. I do have some ED issues although my background is so complicated, who knows how that plays in? There was so much abuse and emotional neglect back then that this was simply a drop in a rather large bucket. Only now am I finally digging through the toybox of abuse and pulling things out to really look at them. I can't assume that nothing matters anymore.

Thank you for reading this. If you got this far then you are a real trooper, and I appreciate you allowing me to share my story.

Skan posted 12/25/2017 15:45 PM

Hey DaddyDom, can't say that it's great to see you on this forum, but I'm glad that you felt secure enough to share with us. I'm so very sorry that your mother didn't believe you. That's mindboggling warped and horrible! That she made you apologize to the person who abused you is horrific. How can you learn to trust, when you're being called a liar even with evidence of abuse? It's soul-warping, when the people who are supposed to care for you, nurture you, defend you, abandon you, mentally and/or physically. As well you know.

hopefulkate posted 12/26/2017 21:55 PM

(((Daddydom)))

Or fist bump. I’m not sure which you prefer but that was very brave of you. I hope you feel its metaphorical dark weight lifting off and the healing balm beginning to set in. I am a firm believer in naming the pain to take away its power. It may not be immediate but I do believe in the process. Take care and keep going!!! You are doing great!!!!

2frayedsouls posted 1/5/2018 07:22 AM

(((DaddyDom))) I haven’t visited this forum in a bit. Posting your story is incredibly brave, and I hope a helpful step in truly internalizing that what happened to you was not your fault. That is indeed how 6 works.

I read your post in tears. Your story of abuse is very similar to my fwh’s...older teenage predator, confusion, revulsion, but at the same time the body’s natural “this feels good” response, and the self recrimination and shame. I have read on another website that we are only as sick as our secrets. I am glad you are opening up. The abuse you endured is not your secret to keep, and it’s shame is not yours to bear. Give your inner child a hug from yourself and tell him he was too little to have any power in that situation, that it was never his fault, and it is okay to forgive himself.

My husband never told his family. His father was a baptist pastor at a small country church. He just “knew” that what was being done to him, and what he was doing made him bad, different, ugly. I honestly don’t know if his family would have handled it an any manner that was helpful, but my heart breaks for your mother’s additional betrayal of your trust.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I wish you and your wife healing and strength.

2frayedsouls posted 1/5/2018 10:33 AM

And YouMeI... incredibly brave of you too... but I wasn’t sure I was allowed to say that here since your post is in another thread.

I hope that now that the holidays are over things will be a bit calmer for you as you continue to work at healing.

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