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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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Appletree posted 1/6/2018 17:10 PM

Just found out as I suspected for years my WH was molested as a kid by an uncle who shared his bedroom. WH admitted it when I asked him. It explains a lot. He is a compulsive liar with several EA and one PA. He has his first ever apt. With a psychologist next week. He is 40 y-o and just now going to work on things. I feel bewildered, have no clue how to act toward WH now, and like I want to hide from the world. Why do I feel like I want to hide from the world? And I want to tear the
Evil abuser's face off (he's been dead for years though)
Ugh!

2frayedsouls posted 1/7/2018 10:43 AM

Appletree, so sorry you have the need for this thread. I understand wanting to do violent things to your husbandís offender. We see my husbandís abuser every now and again usually in a local home improvement store or Wal-Mart. We confronted him once...with fairly good results for my husband. I didnít even know I was capable of such intense feelings of rage and violence until I found out about the abuse. (Just to be clear...I wouldnít act on it, and our confrontation in the store was verbal only...) Abuse causes such a tornado of pain and faulty thought patterns....and we all get blown away. It is such a weird position to be in when you are so angry and hurt from the infidelity, but also so angry and hurt for the innocence that was stolen from your spouse, and the pain that was inflicted on them.

I am glad your husband is going to IC. It is a long, painful road to recovery. On page one of this thread devotedman posted a lot of helpful resources.

I wish you the best. This journey sucks.

Appletree posted 1/8/2018 14:58 PM

Thank you so much! I desperately needed to hear this from someone! I feel less alone now.

Lavender0916 posted 1/8/2018 16:52 PM

Welcome Appletree to this forum..

Great information here. When I first got here I read all the pages. :)

Wow, (((((((Appletree))))))), I read your profile. I am so sorry. You did not deserve any of that. How you held your head up during all of that. Dang... We have similarities. (Especially the Christian part-I am Catholic) Plus this is my 2nd marriage, so more guilt there. I tried to hold on after 1.5 years and have to throw in the towel. Too much false recovery and now its impacting my parenting, have to let go.

My WH was continuously abused by an uncle from 8 til about 16. Also, random pedophile family friends (male) that would take the boys on trips. Dad would spend time with the boys by leaving them in the car so he could visit the whorehouse. So scary. Mom was very manipulative, neglectful. I have to suspect so was my FIL. Sadly I never met my FIL, he passed away when my WH was 18. My MIL, I literary met 2x, once at my BIL wedding and next at our wedding. She has grandchildren with my WH and never reached out. She is a sad case as well and damaged goods. I do not feel sorry for her. I met my WH dancing, he was in therapy with a therapist and good friends with a lady (with a phd in trauma therapy). He fixed her computer. I know now, but not then - my WH dissociates or has Dissociative Identity Disorder (formally called multiple personality disorder). Strangely the adult part of the WH met me and stayed with me for a while. Teen/protector would rear it's ugly head during moments of very low self esteem. Once a month. To make a long story short, we worked through the tough spots. He would own them, then found another therapist, etc. After we were married he stopped therapy. (admitted to loving therapy) Slowly down the smoking pot spiral all over again. Many jobs, not getting along with anyone when he always did, etc. I kept asking him to get a new therapist, he refused said everyone else needs it more. New job, prostitute COW, makes him feel better, she is super needy, KISA, and my favorite very high doses of Cialis. Instant trigger of re-enactment; Sexual Addiction, each time I discovered he went more underground with it.

We are falling apart; I finally said enough of false recovery in November and started in-home separation. I started getting better with anxiety, depression and taking care of myself. WH claimed he was getting therapy; then stopped and stopped coming home from work. He literary was gone for 2 months. Barely talking to the kids. (I swear I could write a book - Hopeful where are we at with that? ) Christmas and New Years was a joke. Then boom..home for 3 days straight..None of us could cope. Has another *NEW* job starting in a week because he cannot get along with anyone(3rd job within one year). Claims he is starting with his IC again (Bullsh**) and most recently started calling Escorts. It's time to get off this merry-go-round. Cut my losses, and move on not just for me but for my kids. This is a very unsafe environment for them.

I wish I could be angry. I feel pity. He was my best friend. There is a good man in there somewhere. It is so hard to see him go down like this. His 6 year old comes out, and I get motherly. I have seen 3 parts, could be more (6 year old, 15 year old and adult/self) However, I cannot do anything about it and his issues/re-enactment/SA/teen part will only take me down with him. He is 85%- 90% teen part now. We deserve better..

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 4:54 PM, January 8th (Monday)]

hopefulkate posted 1/9/2018 10:41 AM

Hi Appletree, welcome. Just wanted to let you know your response Is COMPLETELY NORMAL.

The rage will fade some in time, so that is good. Being afraid of the world is a normal response to trauma. And finding out someone you love has been hurt so horrifically IS traumatic. You love them, how can anyone hurt them this way? Subconsciously, can *I* be hurt this way? Can *I* really trust anyone?

Then there is the thinking, how could I have prevented this? (Irrational at best.) or, how did I not know? I should have helped! (Still the irrational train.)

React to WH as always, and seek some IC for yourself. There appear to be abusive behaviors of his toward you that need undoing - but naming them is the first step, and an IC trained on sex abuse and family therapy can help greatly!

Once the behavior is named, then you can call it out and demand better. Hurt or not, your WH is not allowed to hurt you. It will be a work in process, and as you heal, you may find he is relying on you more as he heals. Itís not an easy balance, so if I could suggest anything (being the pot that calls the kettle something something) self care is the ONLY true best friend you will have.

You and he can work through it, but self care will lessen the lows that come. He will be draining at times, which is understandable, but you will need boundaries and self care practices in place.

Take care and post often. This is not an easy road, but it far from impassable.

Also, hi lavender! Hi 2F! Lavender - good for you for seeing it for what it is and getting away from all of that! Hard as is it regardless...

That book??? Well, 240 pages so far...but a baby and my mess of me have put quite the stall on things!!! Maybe publishable in 5 years

Appletree posted 1/10/2018 10:19 AM

Wow, Lavender, we sure do have some similarities. I'm so sorry for what you've been through...all the crazy...and hope for peace for you in your separation. I wish I could separate without having my girls lose out, but we are 100,000 in debt and separation would
Cause it's own upheaval.

HopefulKate, thank you for the insight.
I'm doing better with the rage today.
My feelings over his affairs were neutralized by this new revelation for a bit. Now I'm feeling angry again because...update:

Today was his first ever IC apt. W/ a psychologist
While he was gone I checked his iPad and just yesterday he was still reaching out to ladies he's had online relationships with the past 6 months, and had said he'd stopped.
All my hopefulness about the IC went out the window.

Lavender0916 posted 1/10/2018 13:01 PM

Hi (((((((Appletree))))))),
It's that knife that keeps going in same wound that has not healed. I know that pain. I stopped looking 2 months ago. I "glance" now to make sure D is justified. I know I don't need too but somehow it helps and doesn't hurt anymore. Have you talked with an attorney about the debt? Maybe come up with some options. It troubles me to see BS' stuck. If you want post on Separation/Divorce forum. I thought I was stuck with my Stepson, but found a plethora of info.

My SAWH also said he wanted to go to IC. Went a couple of times and then stopped. He did see his AP during all of it too (I later discovered. Actions speak louder than words and you will notice change if they are willing to put in the work as YouMeI has ..

Hugs to you, I know this sucks.

hopefulkate posted 1/12/2018 10:00 AM

Oh, Appletree, I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through. I must recommend seeing a lawyer as soon as possible. It is not impossible for a SA survivor to heal, but it is very, very hard; and can take a great toll on the people they love the most.

Protect your kids and yourself first and foremost. And if he shows signs of true commitment and effort to change (which i always hope and pray for), then perhaps a happier outcome will be there.

HUGS!!!

hopefulkate posted 1/20/2018 20:00 PM

First, bump to this thread of amazing people!

MrKateís integration therapy healing is working! Which means he is in and out of peeps a lot these days. There is amazing progress! But it is a painful and scary ride. Hugs and good thoughts to everyone as they travel on their own journey. It may be different, but you arenít alone. Donít forget that!

hopefulkate posted 1/23/2018 13:20 PM

I believe MrKate is going through an integration period. Not becoming one person, just one community. It is slow going and painful. He gets really bad headaches, and then pins and needles in the part of the brain he is working on. (front forehead if it is one person to another, rear if someone goes away or to sleep or successfully dates a memory....)

There is so much happening and he is so amazing at describing here things feel and starting to name feelings and emotions and people, that I am certain this must be helpful! So, anyway, I thought I would share a little here in case anyone else is going through something similar.

Headaches are not treatable with things like tylenol or big pain killers, because that is not the part of the body that is being engaged. I have a theory and and experiment to run once we get dr approval, so I will report back, because headaches from dissociating are really common, but that is all i see, not how to treat. Well damn it everything is fixable some how! Even death! But...that's kind of God's territory, so i'm not saying I can fix that, just saying I hear it's possible.

Too far?

Too far.

Good. Push the limits. Push the limits of understanding, or what you know about you, about others, about life!! Because that is the only way forward, and dammit you just might discover something amazing. And i'd like you to share please. :)

YouMeI posted 2/2/2018 04:41 AM

One of the hard parts about integration is feeling feelings x4 [my 4 personalities].

My birthday just passed and usually if it is "just me" I think about my parents etc. and it makes me sad. But I move on.

Growing up I never really had good birthdays, and that was even if my family remembered my birthday.

While the adult me has moved on from the hope that he would be surrounded by family for his birthday the other "me's" have not.

So with all of us "online" the pain and sadness this year was very deep.

But luckily all that abuse as a kid has made me a good little robot so I am at least able to function in an ok way.

If I didn't i'd

5454real posted 2/8/2018 20:13 PM

Bumping for a newb

Lavender0916 posted 2/10/2018 11:25 AM

Hi Folks,
Haven't been here in a while. Mostly on Spouses with Sex Addiction.

My STBXSAWH "adult" is no where to be found. Very sad. I filed for D yesterday and told him. 10yr came out and so did child. 10yr old tried to manipulate me and see if "they" can stay in the house. Protector/teen is locked away-for now. His parts also play so many amnesic barriers he has no idea that he is gone and periods of time just vanish. He may appear delusional to someone who doesn't know DID. Regardless, I cannot do this anymore. I do not want another kid. I want a H and lifepartner.

My kids need their Dad. He is gone and none of this is safe or healthy for them. My youngest DD is acting out now. Totally blown a test I know she can pass with flying colors.

DevotedMan once told me, don't be a martyr a while ago. He saw early on my STBXSAWH was not wanting to heal and it's time to move on.

Here I am! Almost 2 years after D-Day and going through D. At first it hurt but then I start seeing the light again.

Hugs to all here!

Skan posted 2/14/2018 19:07 PM

Hey Lavendar. Frankly, I'm glad that you filed. I know that it was hard, but frankly, you need to take care of your children. That's your #1 obligation. While it's a damned shame that your STBXWH cannot or will not take steps towards his own healing, that's not your cross to hang on. Nor your children's.

Lavender0916 posted 2/19/2018 12:29 PM

While it's a damned shame that your STBXWH cannot or will not take steps towards his own healing, that's not your cross to hang on. Nor your children's.

Love it SKAN! Definitely words to live by and interesting metaphor during Lent season. My poor oldest DD is in crisis mode. I need to find her a DID therapist right away. I just got more referrals. Her therapist retired and surprised did not give her any referrals. Everyone wants to heal but him. It is truly sad. Especially since I feel myself and the kids were the only ones in his life that truly loved him. ďReal loveĒ. However, maybe that was too painful for him to bear and I know he never felt like he deserved it.

hopefulkate posted 2/19/2018 13:22 PM

However, maybe that was too painful for him to bear and I know he never felt like he deserved it.

Yes. 1000x yes.

Take care of you and those kiddos. Hope you find a new therapist she likes soon!

YouMeI posted 2/23/2018 05:32 AM

Especially since I feel myself and the kids were the only ones in his life that truly loved him. ďReal loveĒ. However, maybe that was too painful for him to bear and I know he never felt like he deserved it.

I can relate to this.

Often when people say nice things about me it fills me with rage.

I don't get mad at the person saying nice things to me but I feel like in someway I must have lied to them. I must have lead them to believe some how that I was any good when really I am not [self hate/talk]. So I get angry with myself for being phony I guess?

Any who

Last night my therapist set up a "conference" for all of my personalities.

Basically she had me set up a conference room in my mind where anyone one of my personalities could come and go as they please.

She was trying to force D.I.D without actually forcing it...if that makes sense.

It was super effective!!! Everyone showed up.

Not everyone spoke but everyone showed up. The teen spoke about his frustration with having so much responsibility for my inner child. After doing that for awhile my inner child decided to speak up.

It turns out that my youngest personality isn't all in on 2018. Which was hard for me to understand until yesterday. I know he loves all the people he knows in 2018. So what is keeping him in the 1980's? Why does he have one foot in the past and one in the present. I would think he would want to be all in in 2018 with all the physical and emotional abuse he suffered in the 80s.

And the reason revolves around the word hope. As a 40 year old my hope that my parents turn into loving and caring protectors is gone. Same for my inner teen and inner younger teen. My parents are what they are and in a way I have moved on from them.

My inner child has not given up hope. He doesn't spend much time in 2018 because he feels that if he does my parents might come back to the 1980's get him and he won't be there. He can't understand why if everyone in 2018 says what a good boy he is, why wouldn't his parents come back to get him?

And really his version of his family is from the 1980s. He is stuck in time with their ages. In his head my parents aren't 60, they are 30. His brother and sister 12 and 5.

So my therapist said gently..."They can't come back for you. Not because they don't love you, not because they don't miss you. But because it is simply not the 1980's anymore. And that the love you want, need, and deserve is all waiting for you in 2018."

So to experience 2018 more, they [my therapist and inner child] came up with a time machine so he could travel to 2018 more to see what it is like but could always go back to the 80's if he felt scared.

There is way more to all of this but I usually don't get the full story [from my own head ] for a few days.

One funny thing I remember though was my therapist stating that it was no longer the 80's. My inner child said "the radio makes it hard for me to believe that"

Which is funny because my hobby is working on a project car. And the only radio station that works in the garage is an 80's station. So while I am listening to 80's classics...he is listening to new releases lol.

Lavender0916 posted 2/26/2018 18:38 PM

Often when people say nice things about me it fills me with rage.

I don't get mad at the person saying nice things to me but I feel like in someway I must have lied to them. I must have lead them to believe some how that I was any good when really I am not [self hate/talk]. So I get angry with myself for being phony I guess?


I appreciate you responding YouMeI. That was enlightening. It's like push/pull in the extreme sense.

I just get sad though. Hopeful constantly reminds me that my H is gone. Especially what he says at home. Seems so uncaring, not genuine. I do not know what to believe anymore. I will never know how much of our relationship was lies or truth. Just need to get through the divorce with minimal battle scars I guess. I feel battered

YouMeI posted 3/4/2018 00:45 AM

I will never know how much of our relationship was lies or truth

I have read your last post MANY times. I always felt like I wanted to say something but I didn't know what.

But this part [other then your sadness] stood out.

I am 41 years old. It wasn't until I was about 37 that I started to realize and embrace my "others".

So just like you are doing now for your relationship I had to do for myself. Through DID and multiple personalities how much did I miss? How much of what I remember is real...how much isn't??

I know we are on different ends of this painful experience but we have to remember our lives are what ever story we tell ourselves.

We can turn over every stone in our pasts to try and find out whats real and whats not. And maybe some day there will be time for that. And maybe some day we will realize there is no need for that.

Life is complicated. Over analyzing the past is even more complicated. Overall what is the story you want to tell yourself?

You fell in love. You fought for love and due to circumstances beyond your control it didn't work out. That does not mean the love isn't or wasn't real.

Isn't something like that easier then..was may 5h real? When he said X on November 17th did he mean it?

Right now just take care of yourself. His healing journey is his.

silverhopes posted 3/19/2018 14:06 PM

It's been a while, but I think about everyone here. Stopping in to give hugs and wishing everyone well.

Just found a book under my dresser. It's called Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. I am still working on my own healing, but I'd like to get a better grasp on being a supporter for Mr. Silver, since he has suffered CSAb too. So, time to begin a new chapter in this journey...

Feeling hopeful.

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