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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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devotedman posted 9/4/2018 10:39 AM

Sorry, I meant to include this in the original posting.

Bestthing said:

In the meantime, I canít figure out my own emotions. Am I trauma bonding?

There could be some trauma bonding going on. If so, you want to at least be aware that that is what it is. Trauma bonding with an emotionally unhealthy partner is fraught with peril at least and unhealthy itself at worst.

Do I leave my best friend when he is on the cusp of fixing his biggest trauma?

I want to be very clear and realistic here. Change your statement to "Do I leave my best friend when he is at such a very early point in his healing journey?"

He is at a very early point in his healing journey. He's taken a first step, admitting it, -but- he doesn't yet remember it all. It is difficult to heal from psychic wounds that we cannot remember. His healing requires processing what happened to him but from the eyes of an adult-him rather than the eyes of the child-him.

The question might be changed to: "How long do I wait to see if he's changed, if he's able to process it all, or if he just _can't_ handle it?"

Why am I hyper bonding still even though I know it doesnít stop him from cheating?

Poor impulse control? The little animal part of your brain that says, "Gimme" without considering consequences is saying "Gimme!" ? Not wanting to have to deal with your family dissolving and trying to glue it back together? All of that? None? Something else?

How can I respect myself if someone steps on me this much and I am still here?

He wasn't stepping on you. This was all about him and his pain. When one is abused at a young age parts of the personality stop developing at that age and get "stuck."

Young him developed a coping mechanism that included unhealthy sexual relationships to cope. Young him learned to lie. Young him learned that his self-worth was measured sexually. Young him learned that sex feels good (before he could process that info as an adult) and wants to quit hurting.

Again, he wasn't stepping on you. He was dealing with things the only way that he knew how to do so. This is -not- a Get Out of Jail Free card. It is the truth, however.

Why does my staying say to HIM?

So explain why you're staying and give conditions.

In the United States of America it is possible for him to 1) ask you to attend counseling sessions from time to time, 2) Sign a release with the counselor to talk to you about his case and to meet with you from time to time about his case. Get him to sign the release and talk to his counselor about the prognosis and progress of his treatment. This isn't to punish him, it is to protect you.

Make continued counseling appointments a condition of not filing for D. In other words, if he quits going you quit staying. Make actual progress a condition of staying. He won't necessarily be measurably better each week -but-, over time, he will get measurably better. He will hit plateaus, he will have big breakthroughs, he'll plod along at a walking pace.

Part of his charm is that he gives me this child like puppy love.

Is this preferable to giving you adult-style love? Why? Which would you rather have? Again, why?

The good side of him is so devoted and loyal.

Then, this disintegrated side showed up and turned out to be cheating on and off for the last 9 years.

There isn't a "good side" and a "bad side" like in photography. This is him, how he deals with things, how he _is_. He may be able to change it, he may not.

Then, this disintegrated side showed up and turned out to be cheating on and off for the last 9 years. Heck I feel like I have be disassembled and HE shouldnít reconcile with me until I find out who I am!

Welcome to The Emotional Rollercoaster. Keep your arms, legs, and head inside the car at all times.

Adlham posted 9/21/2018 21:12 PM

I just have to unload before I completely freak out.

"I always knew there were a lot of us. I never realized just how many until now."

It is killing me. I take breaks, read books, play games, but it's been over and over for so long now.

God, the worst is hearing stories like mine. My mother knew. She did worse than nothing. Accused me of fantasizing about it (I was 8 fucking years old).

10 years later, she admits she confronted him, he said it was only once so she let it the fuck go.

I'm so tired of people not understanding how this is a fucking life sentence for victims.

No matter how much therapy. No matter how many years pass. I'm 47 and right now, I am struggling to keep it together.

I can't even comfort myself by thinking that tomorrow will be a better day because it's relentless.

I just feel like I can't breathe

Typo edits

[This message edited by Adlham at 11:16 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

2frayedsouls posted 9/21/2018 22:05 PM

Adlam....just wanted to let you know you have been heard. I am so very sorry for the cutting betrayal by your mom. That kind of admission just pressed the reset button on your healing path. But you have experience in IC. You have tools and understanding now that that 8 year old girl simply was too young and vulnerable to possess. It is okay to struggle, but I know your strength runs deep. (((Adlam)))

Adlham posted 9/23/2018 11:11 AM

2frayedsouls, thank you. I had hoped that by venting a little here, I could relive some pressure. It's my most effective coping mechanism as if I compartmentalize, I have severe panic attacks.

But alas... I completely fell apart last night. Thankfully, my poor husband was there to catch me when I did.

I just hate talking to him about it. Partly because this isn't the first time, most certainly won't be the last time, and because I know how much it hurts when someone you love is in so much pain and there's nothing you can do about it.

That all being said, I actually feel like I can do this. This will always be part of The Story of Me. But it's ok. My story has a happy ending because my husband is a good person. He adores me. I feel safe. I've even been able to let go of an old quirk, at least with him. I don't have to have an alternate escape route if we're alone in a room together.

I'm still triggering like mad, but I can do this.

sami1234 posted 9/29/2018 08:59 AM

I have not posted here previously but have been on SI since Dday 2015. My WH has worked hard to repair himself, but I am now left with issues that seem to wrap their tentacles into my abuse that I thought I had completely dealt with prior to Dday.

I was sexually abused for several years in high school and early college by an adult I knew well and trusted. After that event I was sexually assaulted by someone I knew well and thought I trusted. Then I met my H. I had never been in a healthy relationship or actually any relationship before and I fell quickly in love. He was aware of the abuse but always minimized it or blamed me and never learned details because he shamed me for it so I clammed up. His attitude was that I should have been "stronger?" So he knows very little about any of it and has really no understanding of sexual abuse.

Fast forward three decades and now he has multiple non emotional A's (possible SA)and I am floored at this behavior. The past three years he has worked on being emotionally connected, empathetic and a less self centered individual. I feel the one challenge left is discussing and him empathizing with what happened to me. He has always had the attitude that "if I wanted him to know, I would tell him." I have always thought he should have asked and shown compassion. Stalemate I suppose, so it has not been discussed.

He has had difficulties with me and most directly stem from the abuse...of course. I believe that if he understood what happened to me, perhaps he would understand how I react the way I do to certain things, or maybe he wouldn't. I have difficulty trusting, with intimacy, with letting anyone get too close, with letting anyone need me or with needing anyone. I feel like an island, I am way too self sufficient and sometimes think I am not made to be in a relationship. It frightens me when he expresses that he needs me and although he would love for me to say the same I cannot. Maybe we just leave it all tangled up and keep moving forward. I would like for him to know who I am. I do not feel emotionally safe with this man and I need to do that if this relationship is to grow. Any thoughts are appreciated.

hopefulkate posted 9/30/2018 22:54 PM

forgive me for not responding yet to the above- iím Just having a panic attack and just need to let this out. I will be back to make that part right.

My story is in reconciliation, but basically i got drunk and in a Iím not going to take any more abuse way, I challenged my husbandís best friend to a game of sex chicken (made up name -though i assume it must be real.) Basically, make the other person uncomfortable until one person backs out. Did I mention i was drunk and an idiot and MAYBE need a SHITLOAD of therapy still for some issues that APPARENTLY are not at all healed from or even revealed because my body is having some fucking reactions right now that i do NOT understand (from a memory perspective) and quite frankly, understand WAY too well from a clinical one - and that is fucking terrifying.

Ok, locked memories? Maybe. I donít know. I canít go back to my room. I want to move. I donít want to be here. I just want to go where it is always sunny, there is no alcholo or people. I want out.

Someone inside is screaming, I just want to go home! And it wasnít me. And home was 1985. And it came from the back left side of my brain. What is that?!!!!!!!!!!!!


.....i will be ok. I just need to let all that out. I am losing it but I am about to make a plan. F. Bleepiní F.

Fuck assholes.
I was just an asshole.

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 11:00 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]

devotedman posted 10/1/2018 02:10 AM

I'm sorry that you're going through this, hopefulkate.

The game you mentioned, understandable but not okay, right?

I don't get drunk anymore without an SO present . I don't get aggressive or offensive, but the idea of someone taking offense, or accusing a drunk DM who can't remember is quite scary in today's world.

Good luck.

hopefulkate posted 10/1/2018 09:03 AM

Thanks, DM. I am really disappointed in myself. Agreed on all points. To be clear, given my history, I have NEVER been aggressive to a man EVER!!! The idea of that was terrifying to the point of paralysis. I swear I just snapped. I was done.

And then I lost control of the game and it got scary. I handled it just like I did when I was a kid. Pretended to like the attention, makes space, change the subject. It worked for a while, like it did back then, but then it got uncontrollable. I was able to get upstairs to MrKate. But he followed!!!! My kids were home!!! What if he didnít come looking for me and I was asleep?!!!! Already someone coming into MrKate room is a huge fucking trigger and deal so great.

He was on the verge of getting his life back and now...I donít know. I have ruined everything. Iím starting to forget some things too. Denial? Shame? Trauma? Shame shame shame shame???????

Thanks for listening. I am just gross right now.

hopefulkate posted 10/1/2018 09:07 AM

Hi Sami,

Sorry to threadjack this place. I lost my mind.

Why not just try to tell him about it and end thendtale mate. Do you feel safe with him?

I know of MrKate abuse (now, after his affair), and he was always known of mine as I would remember it. So this weekend when things got crazy he was able to understand. Iím not saying we are already healed, just we are already talking. Are you in IC? Maybe you could disclose in a safe space like that?

I am going back this week. Booking a two hour session. Thatís how much I need just to update her!

hopefulkate posted 10/1/2018 09:35 AM

I keep remembering more. I moved myself to the other side of the room and pushing him off me wasnít working. I said I get consequences. Donít you love your wife? He said, ďwe didnít do anything. Nothing actually happened. Besides, sex is just sex.Ē

Omg. For those of you following along, this is so similar to MrKates story in many ways. Not like completely, but I hope you know what I mean. Holy hell.

It was after this that I realized how bad of a situation I was in. I got up and said go to sleep. Hereís your pillow and blanket, Iím going up. This was an awful game to play. (Also pretending I liked it because I was scared.). He ďchased me around a pretended to...Ē. I got out and upstairs and then he was there too.

I invited it, but tried to stop it. I felt powerless he was so strong. I do think if I had just said no and stop that he would have. But I didnít!!!! I didnít think I could!!!!!

Iím so mad at myself for inviting such bad behavior. Iím done. Sorry, I just remembered him saying that and it fín scared me.

Usually I can be pretty judgy too. To make the setting real, upper middle class neighborhood, we are professionals, and NOTHING like this has ever happened while I have been a parent. When I was a kid? Lots of times. I always got out.
Married? Once - I got out and was smart about the whole thing and stayed safe. That was over 20 years ago now.

Wow...ok so I get it. I am calming down. Seeing the pattern for what it is and feeling stronger. Then I pictured my bedroom and panicked all over again. This is nuts.

devotedman posted 10/1/2018 10:15 AM

Doctors appt soon so i didn't read past
"Thanks for listening. I am just gross right now."

You're very welcome.

You're not gross. That scared kid came out. From all you've said before I'm surprised that Scared Kid hasn't made more of an appearance before. No worries.

You did fine in the end. Yes, it could have ended badly after being followed. Could have means didn't, though.

Was it wise? No. Scary? Yes. More later.

hopefulkate posted 10/1/2018 12:54 PM

Thanks DM.

Why did I post in reconciliation???? I am triggered so hard right now. What I did was so, so wrong and I am now a mad hatter. I own and accept that. But what happened wasnít ok and I am not ok and I canít take the 2x4ís right now - though I deserve them. Itís why I posted. I deserve them. Ok leaving for a while. Thanks guys.

Lavender0916 posted 10/1/2018 14:57 PM

Hi Sami, I see u on SA, welcome to see u here.

The key is to feel safe. Many a time BS's get caught up in the healing of the WH and do not focus on their own healing. CSA is a long process to heal, and relearning. If there is a way to break off and focus on you versus decisions of the M right now that would be good to have that time. If u feel you are at the point of S or D, u have our support as well. I truly understand now when people on the boards were saying you know when it's right for "you"

Hopeful, oh man....that crazy alcohol. I am amused when folks say instant courage, etc when drinking. Alcohol turns off all cognitive thinking. In everyone! I will no longer drink hard liquor because I forget myself and forget water and food.
Ms. Hopeful, you are doing your self analysis thing again. Overthinking? This is the post serotonin drainage from last nights liquid feast. please be easy on yourself. Say 3 positive things about Hopeful, and pop some complex-b's for the next couple of days with heavy doses of h2o and maybe Gatorade. Complex B helps with the after drinking blues.
(The friend probably had it coming. Lol)
Big, big hugs!!!!

Lavender0916 posted 10/1/2018 21:02 PM

Dang Hopeful,
Yes your motor functions were out the window and for those of us who drank heavily in the past all do stupid things but he was pushing the big R word. Scares me to think about it. Even if you could not get the word "no" out. He was completely *out of line*. I do hope you find strength and courage to not let him in your life anymore. I thought I saw u mention in an earlier post he got an earful or hit by MrKate. Why I ended, he deserved it. However at the time did not realize it got as far as it did.

My thoughts are with you. With everything you have been thru, don't need the blame game or this triggering experience. Hope you find some peace, calm and strength.
Big hugs.

hopefulkate posted 10/2/2018 18:35 PM

Lavender, thank you so much for your support and your messages!!! They meant a lot to me!!

After our discussion I decided to shower and dress, but instead of baggy sweats I wore a skirt and a vneck shirt. Granted, I did not go anywhere today in public (Mrkate and I did drive around lookin for houses but we were kind of already doing that before this happened.)

I hunch so my boobs won't seem so big.
I don't like to wear shorts because my uncles always commented on my legs and touched them.
I don't look people in the eye - that's when they think they have an opening.
I don't really take care of myself.

I honestly thought so much of this was behind me. Oh well, I will start again.

I am so proud of Mrkate. I love him so very much!! I am very glad we are trying to R.

I also now understand why I always thought if I had gone to college and lived on campus (and not with mrkate) that I would have become the ...I would have turned into a sex crazy person. I felt that rage, that fire of being in control and not being the victim. I only had that feeling for one second, but somehow I knew myself back then enough. I always said finding MrKate saved me from a lot of bad choices. Now I fully understand why. KWIM?

sami1234 posted 10/3/2018 08:12 AM

A couple of you have asked me if I feel "safe" with him. I guess I need some definition to answer that. In the past he has ridiculed me and belittled my abuse if it ever came up in the slightest way, (questioned my sexuality etc.) and a few times early on he sort of threw it in my no, that's not feeling safe. I think at this point he has done a lot of work on himself on developing empathy etc but he honestly lacks the emotional intelligence and knowledge about sexual abuse (he knows nothing about grooming, ptsd, etc) so if any of his questions become insulting I fear I will be re-victimized and end up furious at his lack of understanding. After all, he has asked me for forgiveness and understanding for all of his A;s and yet he has yet to show that to me towards my trauma and SA. That feels deeply unfair.

Do I trust him. No. That doesn't mean he's not trustworthy, but he has violated my trust in serious ways. He wants me to trust him now but I don't he will ever receive complete trust from me. Honestly I think he is two people, or at least he has been. Scary.

DogsnBooks posted 11/2/2018 14:20 PM

Is there anyone here who was (or their spouse was) sexually abused and then went on to sexually abuse others?

devotedman posted 11/2/2018 14:49 PM

I seem to recall something like that, or very similar, but that member hasn't posted in years.

Did you have a specific question about such a person?

The 2nd post in this thread lists resources for CSA /SA survivors. Perhaps some of those might help.

DogsnBooks posted 11/2/2018 16:50 PM

DevotedMan My SAWH disclosed some things last night at MC ... things he had done as a child ... and itís just sickening and horrible. I am really struggling and I donít know where to go with this.

devotedman posted 11/2/2018 17:01 PM

I was sexualized early, so I understand that it seems like normal behavior to the abused. We don't know that the abuse is unusual because we come to think that it is normal.

That doesn't mean that we all turn in to perpetrators of abuse, though. We turn out all kinds of ways with basically one thing in common - we're messed up. How could we not be?

I'm not okaying criminal behavior, or condoning it. I am saying that sexual abuse survivors have very messed up ideas regarding norms and more, self-esteem, and other things.

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