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how do you even start.....

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ruinedmylove posted 7/24/2017 10:17 AM

This is the first time I've ever started a topic. I apologize if I leave anything out or if this gets too long. Also, I am aware that my writing style, especially when going over these details seems very devoid of emotion. I want to express the facts and what happened first, and then get into my feelings.
I cheated on my husband just before our 11th anniversary. We have 3 boys, the youngest was 3 at the time. I had felt inadequate and unhappy for a long time, but never in a million years thought I would cheat.
In May, 2015, I cheated with a guy I had only known a couple of days and who does not live nearby. He is also married with 3 children, and was working away from home. He started flirting with me, heavily, and I felt I had not had that kind of attention in a long time. I didn't even think I wanted that kind of attention. But it made me feel good. He told me all sorts of things that even my husband had told me plenty of times, but for some reason I would not hear from him. This all happened within one day, and it was known from the start that neither of us had any intention of leaving our spouses, that it just was what it was. At the end of the day, he asked me to meet him at my vehicle, and after a very brief hesitation, I agreed. He performed oral sex on me at that time. It felt great, but I did not climax (had never had an orgasm from that before and typically have a difficult time getting off) and I left to go home after. We continued emailing back and forth and he said he wished he had "taken" me and I told him I was glad that he hadn't but then we made arrangements to meet up a couple days later at the hotel he was staying at. I left for "work" that morning, but really went to meet him at his hotel for a day of sex. It ended up being about 3 or 4 hours and neither of us climaxed, although he liked to talk about how he made me cum so hard and so much, to which I let him believe and even fed into that for him. Afterwards I drove him to the airport. After that, we continued to email and send dirty pictures back and forth. He got caught (the first time) after we FaceTimed for the first time and he had texted me and had forgotten that his stuff was connected to his kids' ipad. He concocted a story to tell his wife and I (stupidly) went along with it. She even texted me and pleaded with me to leave her husband alone. I told her I would, but then didn't. We continued emailing, texting and sending pictures. He kept asking when he could see me again, and I didn't know how that would be possible, but in July of 2015, I changed jobs and created an opportunity to fly to where he lived. All lies and deception to both my husband and my new job. We spent most of the day in a hotel together, from about 9am until 4pm (roughly). The emails, texts, pictures continued until he got caught a second time in September of 2015. There was no contact for about a month, and then he contacted me again. I hesitated at first, but then we just picked up where we had left off. He had changed jobs, and had a company phone, so he used that to call, text and email instead of his personal phone. This continued until September of 2016 when he abruptly stopped contact with me again. I can honestly say that I was glad because I had for about 5 months or so been wanting the affair to end, but was at the same time continuing to enjoy the ego boost. I know that a major flaw of mine is that I have always just "let things happen" and not taken action for what I want or what I know is right. So I allowed and actively engaged in an 18 month long affair. My husband found out about this affair in October of 2016. Apparently, the wife had sent him a message on Facebook messenger back in May of 2015 that he had never seen. My world completely ended that day. I was in a panic. I had stupidly thought that since I had not been caught, that I had gotten away with it, and that it would just go away now that it was over. It took about 4 months for me to get everything out. I withheld at first and trickled truthed. I did everything wrong. I just knew that I hadn’t meant to hurt him and that I didn’t want to lose my family. Too late, I know. Once I had gotten all the information out, it was like a weight had lifted….but it is still not enough. He needs details. We have gone over and over it, and still he needs more details. I have always had a terrible memory, and he wants me to recount every conversation, everything that was said. He doesn’t believe that this was the first and only time I have cheated. Everything is in question, which I understand. I have hurt the man I love the most and I don’t even have a good reason why. How could I have engaged in this kind of sexually deviant behavior with a man I didn’t even know, and continue it for so long? Why did I push my husband away and deny him sex, only to act like a whore with someone else? What the hell was wrong with me? I don’t even want to post this because as I go back and re-read it, it just sounds too awful. After I do this, I will go back and try to explain what I was feeling and thinking…..I never thought I would do something like this. I thought of myself as compassionate and empathetic to others…always sacrificing to make everyone else happy…and here I was, the last 2 years or so being so incredibly selfish. The only way I can describe it is that I shut down…I didn’t feel or think at all….It’s not like I was abused…Sure, our marriage was not perfect, but it wasn’t that bad, either….why was I so unhappy that I was able to do this?
I am doing everything I can now to show him how sorry I am for hurting him in this way. I know that I don’t deserve another chance, but I beg for it. We are going to couples therapy once a week, and we talk about it constantly. Yes, in ways, I want to get past it because I have already wasted so much time….but I have hurt the man I love and he cannot forgive me for this. But I know he loves me even though he says he doesn’t.

Zugzwang posted 7/24/2017 10:34 AM

Sucks when you realize how you can take someone for granted and take advantage of them. I would work on why and how you can do that. Also why you were willing to be an OW just for ego kibbles. Why you are the type to never speak up for yourself but take the easy way out.

ruinedmylove posted 7/24/2017 11:07 AM

There is no good reason or excuse for cheating. Nothing I can say justifies my actions. I was selfish and uncaring. What is difficult is that I never saw myself in this way before. I felt unappreciated and taken for granted, and couldn't see that I was doing the same to my husband. I felt that I had worked so hard and tried so hard, and that nothing I did was ever enough, and I was tired and I eventually gave up. But he felt the same way. I was just too afraid to talk to him because I always felt that he turned it around on me and it was all my fault. I tried to hold it all in, and felt like a door mat. Turns out, he was right. I take full responsibility for all of it, and I want to make it right. He can be downright cruel in the way he talks to be at times, but I was cruel for what I did to him. He does make me happy and I know we can work together and stay together and raise our family. He is a very unforgiving man and I am begging him to try. I know that it is too much and I don't deserve it.

ruinedmylove posted 7/24/2017 12:13 PM

For what it's worth, I have given all of the details of the affair and continue to answer questions as they come up. Unfortunately, sometimes the answer is "I don't remember exactly" and I hate that because it infuriates my husband. But that answer is only for details of conversations, repeating word for word what was said. He knows what happened and all of the details of the 3 physical encounters, even if he does not believe that I am telling the truth. There has also been no contact, and I don't talk to most of the people I used to speak with on a regular basis. I want nothing more than to show my husband how sorry I am and to show him the love and respect that he has always deserved. I know I will never do this again, and he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I hate what I have done and I hate myself for not having a good reason for doing it. I was wrong when I thought that he didn't care about me in the past. I was wrong about so much. He is a good man, and did not deserve this pain.

theaterguy posted 7/24/2017 12:45 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:53 PM, July 24th (Monday)]

theaterguy posted 7/24/2017 12:49 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:53 PM, July 24th (Monday)]

MrsJohnAdams posted 7/24/2017 20:56 PM

I have been following your story on another forum...and honestly...It saddens me that the two of you are making very little progress..and continue to post on forums instead of talking to each other without the input of strangers.

Your story grieves me....i hate hearing about a young family torn apart by infidelity...and a new baby is the midst of all this turmoil

Maybe it would be better if you hashed all of this out with a therapist instead of continuing the story with more drama on forums.

I wish you both the best of luck in your endeavor to try to figure out the best answers for you...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:39 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

Guiltyinky posted 7/24/2017 21:12 PM

There's a stop sign here, please respect it.

wifehad5 posted 7/24/2017 21:59 PM

A reminder to the Betrayed Spouses:

The Stop Sign means that this topic is restricted to wayward spouses only. If you are a betrayed spouse DO NOT post on this topic regardless if the original poster asks for the stop sign to be removed. If you are a betrayed spouse and you post on this thread while the stop sign is present you will lose access to the Wayward Side forum.

MrsJohnAdams posted 7/25/2017 11:13 AM

I was a wayward wife 34 years ago.

[This message edited by MrsJohnAdams at 10:29 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

ruinedmylove posted 7/26/2017 08:59 AM

I do not disagree with you. I stopped looking at the other forum because of the drama and toxicity. I didn't want to post here, but he has asked me to, that this will show him that I am seeking out answers to my behavior. So here I am. I want to do anything and everything he needs to show him I do want to salvage our relationship, or at least work on creating a new one. He is a good man and did not deserve this. Deep down, I always loved him, but I gave up, let my own selfishness win out over him. I regret the things I've done and I want to show him that.

The thing is - we HAVE been hashing all of this out together and in counseling. We have talked about all of the acts and what I have done. There is no new information. There is only details of conversations that I cannot recall. He needs more details. He needs to know what noises I made during sex and where AP touched me and things like this that I have told him about, but since I don't fully remember, and I tell him that - then it is not enough. He does not believe that I have finally been honest with him, and I do understand that. All I can do is to continue to recount each item over and over until he is satisfied. And that is what I will do.

MrsJohnAdams posted 7/26/2017 10:07 AM

You are complying with his wishes... and that's a very good thing.

Hang in there.. it takes time

smokenfire posted 7/26/2017 20:50 PM

I would recommend you start individual counseling asap.

Your honesty about details is good, but that's hardly the issue.

You felt unappreciated and that you had unmet needs. Adults validate themselves, they do not go and find someone else to fill their needs, or they communicate with the people in their lives who may not be aware of what their needs are. That's a great starting point.

I would definitely say there are grave issues with communication, start search google and youtube for communication tips for couples, there are a ton of free blogs and videos you can watch. You might want to read up on codependency as well.

It will take a very long time to recover. You need to express empathy and patience with your BS. It's not going to get better overnight, just like it didn't go to pot overnight. Keep reading and posting.

Zugzwang posted 7/28/2017 11:26 AM

Does your MC tell him that it is possible for you not to remember details? Personally, I don't believe it. Just saying. That is my personal belief. I just know from experience for myself it is easy to say I don't remember when I really do and don't want to answer. Maybe find some research to back it up. This is something that many gave argued about back and forth on here. Why, because of the ones like myself that have ruined it for those that (if they truly are don't remember) by saying we don't remember and later to TT. The BS are going to be wary if the line is complete BS because they have people like me admit that it was.

ruinedmylove posted 7/28/2017 11:58 AM

For me, not remembering WHAT happened would be hard to believe, and I understand that. I did leave things out at first, while claiming that I had said EVERYTHING, only to continue to dig and come up with more. For me as a Wayward, it was and is daunting and overwhelming to tell the story and tell it completely when you have just destroyed the world of the person you honestly do care about but have hurt in the most disgusting way and they are demanding all of the answers NOW. No excuse for it, but that's how I felt. And to be honest, once those details were out, I felt a huge weight lift off of my heart, so I knew that there was nothing else, I had been honest and gotten it all out.
The issue is that he wants a recount of EVERY WORD SAID and when and where. We have talked about the kinds of disgusting things that were said, and he has asked specifically about things like where there any ILYs, did we have any nicknames for each other, that sort of thing. And I have answered those (NO on both accounts). But because I am being honest and say that I cannot possibly give him a transcript of every conversation, then what I have given him is not enough. He sees it as I don't want to talk about it or think about it anymore and that I'm not even trying. MC has said that it would be nearly impossible for most people, unless they have a photographic memory. But that doesn't matter. We continue to talk about it and maybe someday he'll be satisfied.

floridaredman posted 7/28/2017 12:17 PM

and he has asked specifically about things like where there any ILYs, did we have any nicknames for each other, that sort of thing. And I have answered those (NO on both accounts)

Careful with the Nickname part. I do recall him saying you called OM babe at one point..the same thing you called TH.

ruinedmylove posted 7/28/2017 12:38 PM

and he has asked specifically about things like where there any ILYs, did we have any nicknames for each other, that sort of thing. And I have answered those (NO on both accounts)

Careful with the Nickname part. I do recall him saying you called OM babe at one point..the same thing you called TH

I am are correct. I called AP 'babe' once and didn't like the way it felt. It is not something that I called him again or with any kind of regularity, so in my warped way of thinking, it was not a nickname.
Thank you for correcting me on that one.

floridaredman posted 7/28/2017 12:43 PM

Remember..complete honesty is your best friend. Don't think about how YOU see it..think about how HE would see it

ruinedmylove posted 7/28/2017 13:15 PM

I have made another huge mistake, and it took my BH reading my post to point it out to me. I am so ashamed of myself for not including this, and I am not trying to be intentionally deceitful, but in trying to give the background to my affair, I did leave out a few major parts of the story.
On the day that I flew to another state to spend the day having sex with AP, I allowed him to take videos. There were about 5 or 6 videos in all that I kept in an app called Calculator+ and I kept them and watched them. All pictures and videos that I had saved to the app were deleted in early 2016 when BH and I got new phones, but the fact is that I did keep them and use them. I also let AP finish inside me. Both of these we had discussed before, and I knew it was a possibility. I wasn't completely gung ho about either, but the fact is that I did not stop him from doing it, so therefore I was OK with it and wanted it.

I apologize to all of you, and to my BH, for leaving these details out. I do want to be honest and transparent It was not intentional.

Zugzwang posted 7/29/2017 10:42 AM

He will ask over and over again till he is okay with it. The first year they ask is really useless I think. My wife said she heard but didn't process due to the shock and trauma. Is this really about him hurting or more about you being uncomfortable? IMO the more you show you are uncomfortable the more you validate that you are still thinking about you and your feelings. Try to not show any discomfort. I know it is hard. Especially when you TT. But, we made it even with the TT. 5yrs out. It takes a lot of time and consistency. Another thing you can try, tell him how you felt at the time when the events happened. I would just give a timeline when my wife asked, but we learned from here what she really needed was what I felt and thought. No matter how painful.

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