This is the first time I've ever started a topic. I apologize if I leave anything out or if this gets too long. Also, I am aware that my writing style, especially when going over these details seems very devoid of emotion. I want to express the facts and what happened first, and then get into my feelings.
I cheated on my husband just before our 11th anniversary. We have 3 boys, the youngest was 3 at the time. I had felt inadequate and unhappy for a long time, but never in a million years thought I would cheat.
In May, 2015, I cheated with a guy I had only known a couple of days and who does not live nearby. He is also married with 3 children, and was working away from home. He started flirting with me, heavily, and I felt I had not had that kind of attention in a long time. I didn't even think I wanted that kind of attention. But it made me feel good. He told me all sorts of things that even my husband had told me plenty of times, but for some reason I would not hear from him. This all happened within one day, and it was known from the start that neither of us had any intention of leaving our spouses, that it just was what it was. At the end of the day, he asked me to meet him at my vehicle, and after a very brief hesitation, I agreed. He performed oral sex on me at that time. It felt great, but I did not climax (had never had an orgasm from that before and typically have a difficult time getting off) and I left to go home after. We continued emailing back and forth and he said he wished he had "taken" me and I told him I was glad that he hadn't but then we made arrangements to meet up a couple days later at the hotel he was staying at. I left for "work" that morning, but really went to meet him at his hotel for a day of sex. It ended up being about 3 or 4 hours and neither of us climaxed, although he liked to talk about how he made me cum so hard and so much, to which I let him believe and even fed into that for him. Afterwards I drove him to the airport. After that, we continued to email and send dirty pictures back and forth. He got caught (the first time) after we FaceTimed for the first time and he had texted me and had forgotten that his stuff was connected to his kids' ipad. He concocted a story to tell his wife and I (stupidly) went along with it. She even texted me and pleaded with me to leave her husband alone. I told her I would, but then didn't. We continued emailing, texting and sending pictures. He kept asking when he could see me again, and I didn't know how that would be possible, but in July of 2015, I changed jobs and created an opportunity to fly to where he lived. All lies and deception to both my husband and my new job. We spent most of the day in a hotel together, from about 9am until 4pm (roughly). The emails, texts, pictures continued until he got caught a second time in September of 2015. There was no contact for about a month, and then he contacted me again. I hesitated at first, but then we just picked up where we had left off. He had changed jobs, and had a company phone, so he used that to call, text and email instead of his personal phone. This continued until September of 2016 when he abruptly stopped contact with me again. I can honestly say that I was glad because I had for about 5 months or so been wanting the affair to end, but was at the same time continuing to enjoy the ego boost. I know that a major flaw of mine is that I have always just "let things happen" and not taken action for what I want or what I know is right. So I allowed and actively engaged in an 18 month long affair. My husband found out about this affair in October of 2016. Apparently, the wife had sent him a message on Facebook messenger back in May of 2015 that he had never seen. My world completely ended that day. I was in a panic. I had stupidly thought that since I had not been caught, that I had gotten away with it, and that it would just go away now that it was over. It took about 4 months for me to get everything out. I withheld at first and trickled truthed. I did everything wrong. I just knew that I hadn’t meant to hurt him and that I didn’t want to lose my family. Too late, I know. Once I had gotten all the information out, it was like a weight had lifted….but it is still not enough. He needs details. We have gone over and over it, and still he needs more details. I have always had a terrible memory, and he wants me to recount every conversation, everything that was said. He doesn’t believe that this was the first and only time I have cheated. Everything is in question, which I understand. I have hurt the man I love the most and I don’t even have a good reason why. How could I have engaged in this kind of sexually deviant behavior with a man I didn’t even know, and continue it for so long? Why did I push my husband away and deny him sex, only to act like a whore with someone else? What the hell was wrong with me? I don’t even want to post this because as I go back and re-read it, it just sounds too awful. After I do this, I will go back and try to explain what I was feeling and thinking…..I never thought I would do something like this. I thought of myself as compassionate and empathetic to others…always sacrificing to make everyone else happy…and here I was, the last 2 years or so being so incredibly selfish. The only way I can describe it is that I shut down…I didn’t feel or think at all….It’s not like I was abused…Sure, our marriage was not perfect, but it wasn’t that bad, either….why was I so unhappy that I was able to do this?
I am doing everything I can now to show him how sorry I am for hurting him in this way. I know that I don’t deserve another chance, but I beg for it. We are going to couples therapy once a week, and we talk about it constantly. Yes, in ways, I want to get past it because I have already wasted so much time….but I have hurt the man I love and he cannot forgive me for this. But I know he loves me even though he says he doesn’t.