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how do you even start.....

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redhead1 posted 7/29/2017 10:47 AM

Our stories are so similar, down to the year it started. I also have trouble remembering details so much so that my BS has come up with 17 pages of questions,asked in different ways, and yes it has helped with remembering. Maybe this could be am option

ruinedmylove posted 7/29/2017 12:07 PM

I hate what I've done. I hurt because of the pain I've caused him. I would do anything to show him how sorry I am and that I love him and never want to hurt him again. But now he's saying "divorce". I don't think he can forgive. I don't think we can work through this. I have done too much damage. I want to do the work, I want to be strong. Nothing I can ever say or do will be enough. I don't want my kids hearing me bein yelled at. I don't want them seeing me balling my eyes out when he's done. I don't want them to see him this angry. I know - I should have thought about all of this before. There is a lot I should have thought about and done. But now is where we are. Now is all I can do. I cannot change what I've done. I cannot take it back. All I can do is be a better person now. I am doing that. It won't save my marriage. The only thing that can save this marriage is my BH. He has to be willing in order for the marriage to be saved. And that is just to much to ask of him. I am willing. I am willing to be patient. I love him so much. This his pain is unbearable. I have to live with that.

MrsJohnAdams posted 7/29/2017 16:30 PM

Ruined.... sometimes it is just too much for them to deal with.

Even if he does divorce you.., you still need to work on yourself. You need support from your family and friends. You need therapy.

He might be giving up on you but don't give up on yourself.

I have friends who divorced after her affair... and after 5 years they remarried and have been married many years.

Don't give up

2timesunfaithful posted 7/30/2017 08:45 AM

You start by being honest, I too had difficulty remembering. I was in in a flight or fight response, you panic and your mind freezes up. You want to run, but now is the time for the fight for your marriage response. I found that things came back about what was said, if you have not deleted your texts or emails, review those. If you have deleted your texts to the OM, use Dr. Phone, to get them back. My BW and I tried several times, and I had done a software update, so don't do one of those until you can recover texts, or emails. That might jog your memory. Even 2.5 years out, not having those texts to what was said between me and the OW's haunts my BW still.
The first weeks after Dday are the hardest, have your BH read Not just Friends, by Shirley Glass, it can help both the BS & WS see each other through different perspectives. It opened my eyes as I read this during D week, I was among the worst offenders. I highly recommend you both read it together highlight the sections that mean the most and review together during MC or at home.
Just keep showing your remorse, even when he brings up divorce. Many therapist and therapists say not to divorce and until 6 months of trying for reconciliation. Things may change if you keep working for a better you, and saving the marriage.

I wish you well in your journey towards R with your BH.

Zugzwang posted 7/30/2017 09:48 AM

But now he's saying "divorce". I don't think he can forgive.
The only thing that can save this marriage is my BH. He has to be willing in order for the marriage to be saved.

Forgiveness isn't the only reason why they make it a deal breaker. Personally I didn't stop there. That is where I was with my betrayed wife at one point. I thought it was all about forgiveness and the actions hurt her. What I did. That takes a victim stance IMO for the cheater. "I'm am doing everything, it is in my wife's hands. They will not forgive me." Forgiveness is earned. You may never get it and that is their right. We aren't entitled to it. We can give forgiveness to ourselves- meaning we don't wallow in shame, guilt, and self pity. With my wife, I learned that it was less about the forgiveness and actions and more about the loss of love and affection because I was the one that treated her like shit. Is that her fault? No. You break them so much. They just don't feel that anymore for you. That isn't their fault. That is the cheaters fault. My wife has been able to find love and respect for me again. The passion. It is gone. I work hard each day to get that back. You seem to be wrestling with your posts from putting it all on him or taking the blame on yourself

I have to live with that.
. That blame comes across as victim mentality to me sometimes. IMO, be cautious. He has the control now, but the blame is on you. Sit with it, own it, and get over that. Do not bend towards victim because you did everything you could and he will not do it or self pity. Take back control and do what you think is the healthiest decision for your family. Only you know your spouse enough to see if things are getting worse or any better. If the situation is abusive or not.

You are going to have to live with this. Now it is time to let that go and work on yourself so that you are a better person and role model for your children.

skerzoid posted 9/1/2017 00:30 AM


Things seem to have gone to a new level in your relationship. Can you give us some feedback on what is happening from your point of view?

bravesgrl01 posted 10/28/2017 08:59 AM

Answer anything he asks truthfully and if you know you are telling the truth stick to your ground. He is hurt and lashing out. Be patient with him.

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