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All because of left out chicken.....

bamagirl123 posted 8/21/2017 19:50 PM

Anyone else get tired of triggers or conversations that are stemmed from stupid stuff!! I am so tired of being insecure and feeling like I have to be perfect!! I KNOW that I don't but it doesn't change that fact that I have this new found insecure view of myself thanks to DDay.

I left chicken out on the counter to thaw. We headed out the door to go to the gym and my WH said "hey you left this chicken out and it would have ruined". He said it nicely. Said it calmly. How do I respond? I'm never good enough. I feel like you never compliment me. (He does, I know he does, but I noticed one critique and miss the 9 compliments....ya know??) He is a say it like it is kind of person and has been his entire life. It's never bothered me before and I hate this newfound insecure self!!!!

Dday was 6 months ago and it's gotten better, but I still hate it. Now we are at the gym and I stayed in the car because I just needed a moment but I hate this!!!!!!

Brisee posted 8/21/2017 21:32 PM

My dday was one month ago and I have this insecurity too that I dislike. I not only see the criticism but l also feel that if my h says he likes something it's probably because the ow does it or wears it or whatever , like everything is connected to her. Hate the feeling. Hang in there !!

bamagirl123 posted 8/21/2017 21:39 PM

I feel you!!! I, unfortately, know a lot of things he found attractive in bed (because in the first week or so, seriously in the fog, I asked and he told me.....) One of those things was her confidence. He doesn't feel that way about her now and he doesn't see those things in her now but it makes me insecure about being insecure.....🙄🙄🙄🙄

I know I can't be perfect. There are way more things he loves about me and he knows now, he didn't necessarily love those things about her as much as he convinced himself he did.....but still, I hate the insecurities.

undertherug posted 8/22/2017 06:12 AM

You took the chicken out for dinner for the two of you, right? He saw that the chicken needed to be put in the fridge, so why didn't he just do it himself? Why chide you at all?

undertherug posted 8/22/2017 06:12 AM

You took the chicken out for dinner for the two of you, right? He saw that the chicken needed to be put in the fridge, so why didn't he just do it himself? Why chide you at all?

NoMercy posted 8/22/2017 06:20 AM

You took the chicken out for dinner for the two of you, right? He saw that the chicken needed to be put in the fridge, so why didn't he just do it himself? Why chide you at all?

I agree.

His ignorant comment, like you're some dumbass teenage kid who left the milk out to spoil, was unnecessary.

tushnurse posted 8/22/2017 08:59 AM

Ok unless you are going to the gym for 6 hours, I seriously doubt it would be ruined by sitting out.
Next I have to agree with the others.
You thought forward enough to get it out and make dinner, and he saw it, why the hell couldn't he pick it up and stick it in the fridge.

He is a grown ass man, and should be just as capable as you to put it away.

I encourage you to call him out on shit like this. These little things are the ones that can weedle away at a healthy relationship, and create an undercurrent of discontent.
My response would be someone what smartassish, but that's the way I roll.

((((And Strength)))

self-rescuer posted 8/22/2017 09:39 AM

Know what - that whole exchange makes me uneasy.

Have you not offered him the gift of reconciliation?

Shouldn't he be cognizant of your triggers? Shouldn't he be aware of how you are struggling with insecurity?

Nicely? Calmly? No matter the delivery - "It would have ruined" is an accusation.

You need to remember that you are deserving of vast and limitless love and it HIS job to provide just that.

bamagirl123 posted 8/22/2017 09:46 AM

I do appreciate all your input but let me clear up some confusion. He is no way said it in a rude or belittling manner. He DID put the chicken away. I am a teacher so I was home by 3:30 and it had been out for hours and I had it on the table by the back door to help it thaw faster but the heat index down here in Alabama is over 100 these days.

For me, it was not about him reminding me that I left the chicken out, it is more about me not being able to handle a criticism of any sort, from anyone. I am more short with my mother even when she is just asking questions (moms always seem the take the blow , sadly) and even at work, I feel insecure when my principal comes into the room. I used to be a confident and proud person and I just miss that. I want it back. I want my husband to be able to KINDLY (because it was just a statement, not harsh) remind me I left the chicken out without me spiraling downhill.

Second, he did cook dinner last night (he does about 50% of the time) so he wasnt putting all the responsibility on me either.

antlered posted 8/22/2017 18:40 PM

It's ok to be angry.

undertherug posted 8/22/2017 19:25 PM

What he said to you was patronizing and condescending. No matter what "tone" he used. It's up to you as to how you handle this.

OneInTheSame posted 8/23/2017 01:57 AM

bamagirl123, I have sent you a private message.

tushnurse posted 8/23/2017 07:14 AM

((((Bamagirl))))

Please remember the reason you are here.
You posted as to your frustration of the situation, and while you clarified a few things, I would still push you to discuss how he made you feel. He needs to know.

Yes I get you aren't the strong confident person you were previously, we all do. It's normal You have been victimized, it takes a toll on you emotionally and makes you doubt everything you believe to be true in life.
The one person in the world who was supposed to have your back in life, didn't. It fucks a person up to be blunt.

It's ok. What are you doing for you? How are you focusing on getting your strength back.
What are you changing to get out of the cycle of feeling the constant nagging self doubt.

Remember, he cheated not because of you, that's the thing we as BS's are collateral damage in our broken WS's choices. It's because they are broken, in some way, that they choose the path they do. It has ZERO to do with who we are.

Remember this, You are strong, smart, and brave, and you will get through this, and become a smarter, stronger, braver person because of it.
It's ok to hurt, it's ok to have anger, it's ok to be sad, but it's also ok to stop it, and change your personal actions so you heal.

Eating the anger is unhealthy. Let it out, in a constructive way. Change your reaction to it.

twisted posted 8/23/2017 08:38 AM

It's those kind of little incidents that you have become used to as part of his personality, that suddenly become glaring example of his faults.
His faults, not yours.
You are not over sensitive as much as you are become aware.

gonnabegr8 posted 9/17/2017 08:27 AM

[This message edited by gonnabegr8 at 8:29 AM, September 17th (Sunday)]

sopainfulstill posted 9/17/2017 11:13 AM

When my bff found out that her husband had an affair that had already ended a year before... her initial thought was "You will never be able to win an argument with me again."

I immediately understood what she meant. Because in the bigger picture - he had an affair, you left out chicken. No comparison.

Once the two of you work thru the affair stuff, the marriage and communication stuff will still be there. It will be important for you to get to that work someday. But the affair work is too raw right now.

This is why MC doesn't work right away. Who cares about the chicken 6 months after Dday? My WH and I were having a discussion while driving one day about the kind of car we were going to buy. I wanted a convertible. He was telling me all the reasons why it was impractical. I was boiling on the inside... I blurted out... "You get to f*** other women, I get to drive an impractical car." Conversation over.

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