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Did you think you had a happy marriage?

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twisted posted 8/23/2017 09:04 AM

I thought we had a strong and wonderful marriage, no fighting, great kids, good finances and jobs, everything going pretty smooth.
Sexually she was always a lower sex drive, but what wife isn't, right?
I had once called and warned the OM when I saw an inappropriate email sent to her. He had sent a pic of a couple ( off the internet I assume) in a kinda sexual embrace with the caption, "I wish this was us" type of remark.
Other than that, it was a few years later that I was completed blindsided. Never saw it coming.

Heart posted 8/23/2017 09:29 AM

Thanks to all of you for sharing. I am still reading these.

Hurtstomycore - Your story of shock is a story I can tell as well. Never in a million years would I have believed an affair would happen. I thought that my husband cherished me. I think the shear unbelievable shock of it has been one of my hardest things to overcome.
As I continue the journey of reconciliation, it haunts me that if I do indeed have to end the relationship, that I don't know if I will find someone who I will share so much joy with. At the same time I almost feel sorry for him that if the relationship ends- I am certain he will know this type of love again.

steadychevy posted 8/23/2017 09:34 AM

I need to rephrase my first response. I said I thought we had a happy marriage. It should have been that I thought we had an acceptable marriage. By all outside appearances it appeared happy.

The issues I had were mostly about my needs not being met and fear. My WW's past kept invading our present and she wouldn't do anything about it. I knew only the tip of the iceberg about her past several years into the marriage and didn't find out about most of it until 37 years of marriage. Based on the little I knew and the periodic invasion I wanted her to get help because "if you don't understand your history you will repeat it". In her mind I was the problem and she had none.

I didn't know about needs (or love languages) but knew there were things about the marriage that weren't adequate for me. After DDay we finally did the His Needs, Her Needs stuff. I had done it while she was committing adultery because something was terribly wrong. She pooh poohed it. When she did it she admitted that I met or exceeded all of the her needs.

When we delivered our youngest daughter to university 12 hours away for her first year after taking the middle daughter to university an hour and a half away (empty nest syndrome) I said how proud we should be of raising our three daughters to be independent young women moving into adulthood. I said we should be proud of that and that they would all graduate with their undergrad degrees without debt. I said now that they were moving on in their lives we would have more time to renew out relationship and spend more time together. Apparently she panic attacked over that and immediately went after a COW all the while planning and working towards our early retirement plans and ranching full time with me.

Having said all of that, we had many, many marvelous times. We had vacations with the girls they still talk about. They are re-enacting some of them with their families. My WW and I were connected (at least I thought so) on so many levels. She was the person in the world I wanted to spend my time with and I couldn't wait to get home from work and weekends. She says she really enjoyed all the time she spent with me. She didn't want intimacy and affection and intimacy are my two highest needs. When she was infrequently up for intimacy it was wonderful.

So after a very long correction to my first post on this thread our marriage wasn't as happy as I made it out to be for me. I was, however, my marriage and I thought we could work on it, especially after the girls were out on their own, and make it much better. It was a marriage that I was in for life. Marriage is like a garden. When it's watered, fertilized, weeded and cared for it flourishes. Without any of that it withers and dies. Marriage is hard work and should have a tremendous, mutual payback or ROI for the investment.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhea to those who read through all of that.

IceThee posted 8/23/2017 09:35 AM

Well... I thought we would never ever give up on each other. And that he would never defile our marriage like he did. Many times in fact. I kept believing we would keep fighting for "us" and someday things would be great because of all we have been through and worked toward.

But, apparently there wasn't an "us" in that at all, only 2 "I's"...

On a side note, I find happiness to be relatively circumstantial and a choice to make regardless of things. So I chose to be happy, even though it was a struggle with so many things. I just was happy with HIM and that's all that mattered to me. Because I knew life will always change and some days would be good, others bad--- but at least we always had each other and were best friends, et cetera. So, I was true to that. He wasn't. It hurts to know. But I can remember through all this that I am still me and I will keep being me. And that is a good thing.

Gman1 posted 8/23/2017 09:36 AM

Yes, we had a happy marriage and were living the American dream with two great children, a brand new home, great careers and a golden retriever. A's do not just happen when one or both spouses are unhappy in the marriage.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 8/23/2017 09:50 AM

A Happy Marriage? I dunno. Is there such a thing? Like so many others we had ups and downs. I was happy to be married and have her as my wife. But we were in a rut with kids, bills, work, life etc. It got rocky only because she was distancing herself from me. I had planned to take her away for our 10 yr anniversary so we could just get away and re-connect and talk with no distractions. No one said marriage was easy. Personally I don't think our marriage was so "un-happy" it was worth throwing away. I was blindsided by the affair...but not the divorce bc I knew if either of us cheated we would get a divorce. There's just no going back after that kind of betrayal IMO.

I always thought we would fight for our marriage and for our family that we created and for each other. Neither one of us likes to fail at anything. But I now realize I have no idea who I married. And all of these thoughts were fake. I also realize she had left the marriage long before D-day. She was just going through the motions for the last few years of the marriage.

barcher144 posted 8/23/2017 10:02 AM

At times, yes, I thought that I had a happy marriage... at other times, no I did not.

My wife claims that her affair was Jan 2016 to August 2016, although these dates are highly suspect because I know that they had phone sex in Sept 2015 and she sent him a video of her masturbating in Oct 2015. So, I have no idea when the "affair" really started (re-started? They also had sex in December 2008) and she is very vague about that.

Ironically, I felt that starting in March 2016 that our marriage was as good as it had been in years. We were spending a lot of time together and I thought that time was enjoyable.

Tryingtobestrong posted 8/23/2017 10:06 AM

I thought and felt safe....even if things seemed "off"...
And when you are married 30+ years...I had NO reason NOT to feel safe...

Yeah, that was me. And there were reasons for him to seem off - the death of his beloved younger brother, a job he hated, getting older. I truly never thought he'd cheat - he's always hated liars and isn't that the ultimate lie? I even asked once when I got the ILYBINILWY speech - "is there someone else?" and he said no, he just had lost the passion for our marriage. It hurt, but at that point he seemed to have lost his passion for everything, so I just worked on the assumption that time would heal his depression. Even our friends were flabbergasted - they said he always looked at me like I hung the moon.

unbelievable24 posted 8/23/2017 10:27 AM

Yes. Not perfect but happy.

donna3 posted 8/23/2017 11:09 AM

Like so many here I thought things were good. Not perfect but after 33 years I knew there were ebbs and flows. I was always his "queen". Man, I hate when he calls me that now. I was absolutely, totally blind sighted. I had even thought during the third year of his A that things were on the upswing! I had no reason to believe he was seeing anyone else. Just hoes to show that you can never really know another person completely.

But now? Things are much better. We talk more than ever abought our feelings. I am just sorry that we got better at my expense. I will never let my guard down again. Never

stunnedandlost posted 8/23/2017 11:35 AM

I thought we were happy before I knew about his first A. I thought we were happy again for 5 yrs, then I found out about his dick picks. I thought we were happy after that for another 7 yrs. Now I know it was just me thinking we were happy because we rugswpt.

He is working on himself in IC but I have very little faith. I'm learning about codependacyband the more I learn the more pushed off I become. I am an abused wife. Man, that oussed me off. He's a fucking liar!!

When I read the other post about waiting to be ambushed, it really hit home. I feel I will be ambushed again, even though he swears he won't do it again. BTDT. Ugh.

Carolina52 posted 8/23/2017 11:51 AM

No not totally unhappy. The usual busy,kids, carpooling, working.. New at times something was off. Would ask him and he would deny it. Said he was a grown man and hew would tell me if there was another woman. I believed him. I chose to look the other way. About 3.5 years ago he treated me very badly on a trip. That december we were getting along he left I checked his iPad and found messages going back 2 years. Imagine my surprise when he admitted he went on for 10 year.

Iwantmyglasses posted 8/23/2017 12:43 PM

As a person I was happy. I loved my life, my husband even with his faults, my children.

After the affair, I unleashed. All of my pent up marriage frustration. The excuse making I did for him as a human being.

It's all gone. I made a great many excuses for my husband/marriage.

It's very freeing to be real now.

DevastatedDee posted 8/23/2017 12:47 PM

I did. All this began when we were at our happiest. We'd just bought our house in Feb 2016 and were so excited about the future. About a month later, he was signing up on sites to talk to other women. Within 6 months, he was meeting prostitutes. He became more selfish and less giving and his drinking increased, but I thought he was suffering from depression and tried to help him by talking with him and such. We still had sex fairly often and told one another we loved each other and how lucky we were to be together..."soulmates" and all that crap. NONE of that means anything to me now, of course, and that he had sex with me during all that horrifies me and makes me feel defiled. But while it was happening, I put any difficulties down to his depression and was extra kind to him. I never in a million years would have guessed that he was cheating on me. No one else would have either. Had I been suspicious, I'd have found out pretty easily because he sucked at covering his tracks. The illusion of a happy marriage died in February of this year when he came home high on crack. The next 2 1/2 months he was smoking crack and fucking whores while I was at home crying and worrying like a complete fucking idiot. I kicked him out in March for 2 weeks and I got so love-bombed that it sickens me now. The cheating, drugs and alcohol ended in May when he went into rehab. I didn't find out about the infidelities until he came home in June and I snooped. I hadn't been suspicious until he started smoking crack and I found out his dealer was female. He denied so vehemently when I asked him and described her as so disgusting with missing teeth that I discounted it at the time. The vehemence of his denial ate away at me while he was in rehab, hence the snooping when he returned. That he cheated well before crack still shocks me to my core.

Funny thing is, this started BECAUSE we were at our happiest. He decided that he didn't deserve such a life and proceeded to tank it thoroughly. I was just a casualty of his self-destruction.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:50 PM, August 23rd (Wednesday)]

Newlease posted 8/23/2017 13:16 PM

At the time I was certain we had a happy marriage as was XWH and everyone who knew us. Arguments were few and our sex life was good. If anything, I got turned down more than I ever turned him down. We had successfully raised two fine men and were in the prime of our earning years - looking forward to retirement.

Now with the perspective of time and lots of introspection, I realize we were happy because I gave more to the relationship than I took and I did it willingly. I made life nice for us by putting myself and my needs last.

In my current relationship there is more give & take. I don't automatically give in to make my SO happy if I feel strongly about something. We both compromise and I no longer put myself last. It is much healthier. But even if it were to end tomorrow, I know I would be all right.


DevastatedDee posted 8/23/2017 13:30 PM

As a person I was happy. I loved my life, my husband even with his faults, my children.
After the affair, I unleashed. All of my pent up marriage frustration. The excuse making I did for him as a human being.

It's all gone. I made a great many excuses for my husband/marriage.

Now with the perspective of time and lots of introspection, I realize we were happy because I gave more to the relationship than I took and I did it willingly. I made life nice for us by putting myself and my needs last.

I can relate to you two a lot on this. I "thought" I had a happy marriage, but looking back on it, I did most of the creating of the happy life. I spent a decade as a single mom, so I was used to doing everything and any help was fantastic. In reality, he was checked out and slacking off in every area.

I no longer put myself last either. It is uncomfortable for him to face my feelings at times, but I no longer care. He doesn't have the freedom to be emotionally weak and checked out anymore if he wants to be in the marriage.

TrustGone posted 8/23/2017 17:06 PM

I thought our marriage was one in a million. We rarely fought, had a nice home, farm, land, vehicles, and good jobs. He was a love bomber and I never once suspected him of cheating. We were both BS's in our prior marriages and had discussed the devastation it caused. I did notice that he started to be more distant and when asked he would just use his job as an excuse and apologize.

On DDay I was in total shock and devastation. I had been living a lie for years and didn't suspect a thing because I trusted him totally. He had been having a LTA with an old FB he knew before me. I still don't know if it was happening the whole marriage or not and I no longer care. I tried for 3yrs to R, but he had already checked out of the marriage even though he claimed he wasn't. I knew it was finally over when he assaulted me after a night of drinking and I had him arrested. I no longer needed or deserved anymore of his abuse and I can say I am finally happy in my new life with a stand up guy. He isn't a love bomber, but he is honest and loves me with all his heart.

crazyblindsided posted 8/23/2017 18:31 PM

Not at all! Especially after our first child, you know... because WH was the only child before that It's been hell on earth since then. Too fucking long and too tired to care now. I was happier the 5 years pre-marriage with him. Guess it was all the love bombing.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:33 PM, August 23rd (Wednesday)]

saoirse posted 8/23/2017 18:41 PM

Yes. Most also thought we had the perfect marriage. Unfortunately H didn't think so, and his AP fed that perception.

cancuncrushed posted 8/24/2017 13:02 PM

not all parts were bad...not all parts were good...

I was not happy, due to his bad behavior......

I know we had every opportunity to be happy....we had so many opportunities...great was all good...we had so much.

..he wanted more...he was bored.

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