"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Hurting4118 posted 9/15/2017 04:01 AM

So as my other posts say recently found out that my ex cheated on me 2 years ago and had a baby with another woman. I found out by running into him at the grocery store with his baby. Fucking surprise of my life. I've been crying , distraught , crazy, and feeling so much pain. I don't even know why. We hadn't been living together for the past couple years just seeing each other. So I had already started letting go and dealing with not being together. Well after I found out about ow and baby it has just completely brought me back to the start. It's not like he was ever even a kind , caring , stand up kind of guy. So why am I pining over him. My brain is fucking nuts. Rightfully so because I had a very very bad childhood. Now he's been coming around and saying he wants to fix things between him and I. We also have daughter together. He says the ow and baby are out of the picture. But I've yet to be able to get the truth out of him. He thinks I should let things go and just move forward in life instead of dealing with all that. Well I fucking want to deal with all that. I want to know everything from start of relationship to end. I'm tired of imagining and making things up in my head. Straight up truth. Please. But I don't think he is capable of it. Is there any way to get him to level with me and just tell me the truth. I'm soooo tired of crying and guessing. It's like please just respect me enough for that. Instead it makes me feel like he thinks I'm just an idiot that will be there for him no matter what he does. I just don't know anything anymore.

RoadtoPerdition posted 9/15/2017 04:28 AM

Hurting4118 you already know that he is incapable of honesty so your expectation or hope that he will level with you is just hurting you and prolonging your musery. It's understandable that you cannot believe that he could be capable of such cruelty but please don't judge him by your standards. It is unfathomable to you because you would never dream of being so cruel to someone you loved. The two things you need to remember are that he is not blessed with the same moral compass as you and he is not capable of love the way you love.

I can relate to your angst and frustration. My cheater only admitted to what I could prove. The not knowing burns me with ugly emotions I can't even describe some days. I even think he likes withholding the truth because it gives him a sense of power over me to watch me fall apart over something to do with him. Then I remind myself that I don't know how long I have to live and ultimately I am responsible for my healing. I refuse to be stuck in this rut. I didn't deserve it so I won't let it defeat me. It's not an overnight revelation that sets you off on yoyr new and carefree life. It's a work in progress to remind yourself of the way out of the stupid hall of mirrors he has you trapped inside. But little by little you will get. Life is too short to live obsessing over knowing something that ultimately doesn't change the facts. The facts are he is a cheater and a liar and a deadbeat dad who fathers and abandons children with different women. And you are expecting hime to set you free emotionally. Sorry, that power is all yours.

NoMercy posted 9/15/2017 05:04 AM

Instead it makes me feel like he thinks I'm just an idiot that will be there for him no matter what he does.

I'm sure he does think this. You've made it pretty obvious to him.

But that's because he's moved on and you've gotten no farther than you were since the breakup, so he knows he can manipulate you into just about anything.

The one who loves the LEAST has the most power.

And that's definitely him.

Regardless of how much you 'love' him, the BIGGER picture is that he's a lying, cheating, deceitful, self-serving, manipulative USER who took you for a ride, screwed you over, and is STILL lying to you today.

Now he's been coming around and saying he wants to fix things between him and I.

Let me guess - things aren't so perfect with his OW and their love child, so now you suddenly don't look so bad to Father of the Year.

This guy is a POS and a complete waste of your time. He threw YOU and your child to the side when he thought he'd found a 'better deal' with his OW, and now he's willing to throw her and his child to the side yet AGAIN for his own benefit.

Does this user EVER think of anyone else but himself?

Ever?

I wouldn't invest 10 seconds in someone this low.

You will regret it if you open the door to this user once more.

I promise you that.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 5:07 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

undertherug posted 9/15/2017 05:42 AM

Ditto to what NoMercy just said. You said you have a daughter together. From your post I would imagine he has not been spending a lot of time with his daughter. It would be horrible for her if you took him back and he flaked out on you again. And he will. It's time for you to put yourself and your child first and ghost this loser. You both deserve someone worthy of your love.

CopiousTears posted 9/15/2017 07:37 AM

I'm so sorry but it's past time for you to be looking out for you and your child's welfare. You have all the proof you need by the very fact that he's had another child with someone else.

I really hope you have a child support order in place because you are already one of two Baby Mamas. Is that who you want to be, or imprint on your DD? Competing with countless other Baby Mamas for resources? I think not.

Keep your mind right and handle your business.

The1stWife posted 9/15/2017 08:03 AM

Take a step back.

Review your past with him.

What is so "special" or appealing about him?

He has shown you who and WHAT he is!! Accept it. It will not change.

And all the others are accurate and 100% correct he will do this to you again if you allow it.

My suggestion is that a better investment of your time is to focus on you. I would rather be alone and never date again than with a miserable person as my spouse/partner.

You can give yourself a much happier life and be a role model for kids & others. But choosing to focus on a mate who is not worthy of you wastes your time and love and talents.

Move on! Without him

lexureyes posted 9/15/2017 08:46 AM

Please realize you and your daughter are worth so much more than this man is able to give. Don't settle. If he is not willing to bend over backwards to fix the wrongs he has done to you and your daughter, walk away from him. (just as he did to you for this ow) And also please file for child support ASAP in hopes that you are the first to file and get the lion's share of support monetarily.

I went through something very similar. I learned the hard way that I and my children are worth so much more than what a broken and unwilling to fix them selves spouse.

You will never know if you were plan B. He very well could be looking for a soft place to land after breaking up with the ow. Peace to you and your daughter. Don't settle for anything less that what will help you be a better person.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/15/2017 11:18 AM

Read in the Healing Library on this site and employ the 180 on him. Don't let up until he comes clean and gives you the entire story. If he doesn't cooperate then keep the 180 in place until you feel better.

I do agree with all of the other posters here in that you really should move-on with your life without the loser that you're pining over. However, if you're determined to complicate your future by going back to the loser, do as I've said above until you get the results that you're looking for.

In addition to the 180 you should start an exercise routine and hydrate with water. Don't obsess about eating. Let your body tell you when/if it's hungry. Keep busy.