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So, I’ve posted before that eliminating ow from my world isn’t possible. I do, however, prepare for it and make deliberate moves to avoid her. Which, I did tonight. I went to the other side of the bar to get a water. Stayed on the far side of the room to talk to people. And tonight. Well, tonight, she came up to me and started conversations with the man I was talking to and then proceeded to talk to me about business stuff.

And I am just still in shock. Truly.

I kept my composure and didn’t say anything about anything. Wh doesn’t know what to say/do. He asked me what he could do/ what I wanted him to do. I said there isn’t anything....this is the new reality.

And I am not sad or mad, I’m just flabbergasted. Literally at a loss for words.

And so I asked to just be alone tonight. And I got some work done. And I am still sitting here in shock. A married mistress talks socially (deliberately) to the affair partner spouse.

My mother things she is trying to goat me. Make me lose my cool in a social setting and look a fool. Maybe. I guess. But doesn’t that expose her? I don’t understand.

Wow, she has some cajones to do that.

I dont know how you managed to keep your cool. I probably would have made a snarky remark to her in an attempt to get her to walk away.

I know what it feels like to have AP around. And it sucks. But one thing i would suggest - do not go out of your way to avoid her. Hold your head up high, and let her be the one going to the other side of the bar etc...

I havent read your other posts, but is there a reason why you wouldnt expose her ?

Drama queen. Instigator.

You get these people in life, button pushers, I'm sure she got a little kick out of it, some measure of power watching you trying to deal with her.

Personally maybe would have just turned heel and walked away without causing a scene or fuss. That communicates volumes. If you don't want to deal with her then don't.

Wow...shows you a lot about her character, doesn't it?

It's like a dog peeing on a tree in a way. Declaring her dominance in some sick way.

A total lack of concern for you or your comfort.

You did well lady, and I completely understand wanting to be alone.

Keep on your toes for other weird behavior from that one.

Fancy.

Well, initially I didn’t want to expose what happened because I had no idea of what I wanted to do (which is still sort of true) and sharing that information would destroy a good portion of my whs life and then, in turn mine. We are both in positions of leadership on several levels. In truth, I don’t want to be labeled the “woman with an adulterer husband”. Even if we divorce, I don’t want to be known as that- I’ve worked hard to build my own reputation, and people just love to have tags for people.

Now, I think, with the help of my ic that it’s in part, shame. I’m ashamed this happened to me. No control. No choice. Not my fault. I get all of that. But, I married down (I’m not conceited, I just have always had my life/career/finances/etc. in order). And I thought I had fallen in love with a “safe” partner- one that truly adored me, as much as I did him. I picked wrong. And I am not used to failure, and this feels like failure. I am in ic, working on this mindset, but for now, exposing her exposes my shame. Crazy, even as I type it, but true.

It's not crazy at all Dear Lady . Thankfully you are in a safe place...a place where you can write your fears and angers down with people who understand what you are going through .

You did marry down...sadly...ALL of us Betrayeds did . NO ONE deserves to be put in this infidelity HELL .

You did WELL tonight...and there is nothing to be ashamed of. BUT...now you KNOW what kind of person she is...and knowledge is POWER . It seems that she is testing the waters...seeing how far she can swim out. It is time for a tidal wave !!!

YOU know what is appropriate for YOU . You can keep doing what you did...with honor and integrity...and let her stew because she can't get a rise out of you . Or you can think of ANY other plan for when she does this again...because she WILL do this again. Whores are shameless after all...and cheating whores are even worse. The good news is...the CHOICE is YOURS . You are a smart lady...with honor and integrity...those are very powerful weapons . You KNOW how to use them...and you have used them well !!!

You’re so early in this process, the pain is so visceral still. I’m 3 years out, the affair ended 5 years ago, and the mow still messages my wh. No one thinks it’s sexy and I frankly have no problem telling people she’s still fishing.

The shame is something I relate to so much. I highly recommend brene brown. Her Ted talk is a good place to start. I still discuss shame with my ic regularly. I’m a proud, I dependent woman who frankly also could have done a better job picking a husband. But I went towards the treatment I knew, as I’d been treated as a child. And I was 18 when we met and I just wanted my adult life to start. Right. Now. So he seemed perfect and I ignored red flags. He was an asshole to a lot of people, but I thought he’d never be an asshole to me. How embarrassing is that? We were both running away from our foo. And we walked right into the same old shit.

A key thing to know about shame is that everyone has it. We think we walk around as the only chump in town but we aren’t. People are hiding so much because of shame - addictions, infidelity, debt, whatever. And by not being honest about it to people around them they deny themselves help. Or a cup of coffee and a pat on the back. They are doing the opposite of protecting themselves. Because everyone has secrets. Everyone.

My nephew is an addict. His mom enables him. She denies he has a problem because the truth is hard and requires work and her image in her tiny town as a strong leader is too important. He was a star athlete until he wasn’t and she hasn’t accepted it. He failed out of college even though she wrote his papers. Who he was supposed to become is so entwined with who she is - knocked up single and young isn’t a problem if you birth a superstar. Meanwhile everyone knows about him and has been waiting for years for her to reach out. He makes a fool of himself publicly in bars. But she is so tightly hanging on to not feeling public shame that the family suffers as a result. And he’s not getting help, nor is she. And she’s fooling no one. Same as the ow. She’s thinks she’s being perceived as good but trust me, everyone knows she’s a cheap mess.

It seems so simple right? Share your pain and it is lessened. When the whole building burns down, the only thing left standing is the truth. So why not just start there before the fire starts? I said this to my wh when he was trickling the truth, but his shame kept him from doing it. Allow your husband to absorb the shame, it’s his anyways. Be Teflon and practice letting it bounce off you. Hand the hot potato back to where it belongs. Practice practice practice. The truth will always out.

LumpInStomach, I not only understand your position, but can appreciate it.

But I think you should reconsider.

I mean, of course she's goating you. But she is also challenging you and establishing her dominance over you.

I see two ways out.

The first is to just let her use you as her personal door mat. Some people can live with that.

The second is to 100% expose and toss a drink in her face and call her a whore. She'll get plenty catty and such, but maybe it's time to stand up for yourself and who the hell cares what anyone thinks about your adulterer husband. She's a whore- call her out.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 8:33 AM, October 19th (Thursday)]

My mother things she is trying to goat me. Make me lose my cool in a social setting and look a fool.

I had this same problem. My ex husband's mow tried a number of times to get me to come unglued on her in front of other people. I believe it was so she could carry the drama a little further by crying what a victim she was that I exploded on her. Never gave into though.

Drama queen. Instigator.

100% ^^^^^

The second is to 100% expose and toss a drink in her face and call her a whore.

I'm getting old enough that this seems like a good idea. If she wants to push it, I would, at the minimum, call her out right there in front of God and everybody within earshot, so load up with a few good quips and comebacks, and few conversations stoppers just in case, for the next time this happens.

You have the power to slam the door in her face.

You've got a pretty good handle on your subconscious motivations for not exposing, but I hope you do challenge your feelings of shame regarding the infidelity.

Does her husband know about the A yet? I don't know your story. That could be something to look at. If he does know and is trying to reconcile, he should be made aware of her recent egregious behaviors towards you. If he isn't aware, let him know. That might shut her down.

I've been in the same bar as the OW a number of times since Dday almost 3 years ago. Fortunately mine has some shame herself and doesn't approach me. She's still a thorn in my side - so I can't imagine how I'd feel if she had the AUDACITY to do what your OW did.

Another suggestion, if she does it again is to simply say to her, "Have you no shame?" Whomever is with you doesn't need to know what that means. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If she doesn't take the hint and leave, throw her a look of disdain, say to your friend, "Hey, I'll catch you later," and walk away.

Some people have no shame at all. If she will have an affair with someone she knows is married, of course she will have no problem throwing it in your face. It's just shows what kind of character she has. Sending you good thoughts :)

Man she has a brass set. I would have faked a trip and spilled my drink all over her!!!