"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Olgershell70 posted 11/13/2017 21:32 PM

First time poster here. First time everything. Never ever imagined my life could turn into such a hell so quickly. First of all, I will be 74 in a month and have been married for almost 55 years. 2 months ago I found out my spouse had an affair 17 years ago with a co worker for 18 months. She was a little older than our daughter by a few years. I was stunned and did not believe his story. I said no way, you were home every night for dinner, never gone overnight? He replied it was an Affair done over their lunch hour. But wait, it gets worse. I said you went to motels over an hour lunch break? No. We didn't have time for that so I took her home with me. I could have popped in on my lunch hour and caught them, upstairs in our home we built together, ou place of safety. We had 3 grandchildren born while we lived in that home, they napped on the bed he used with a woman the age of his daughter. I have never known such pain or that such pain even existed. I have cried for hours, broken dishes, gotten angry, hurt myself, you name it, I have experienced it. Spouse is so sorry, he cries all the time, says it was just SEX, my life is shattered, I have no one to share this with, don't know what to do. We went to 4 counseling sessions and were told to live in present, don't throw all these years way, etc. after the affair ended, my husband became very distant with me, he was on medications and I blamed that for his lack of desire, he says he has been overcome with guilt and now wants to start over after almost 20 years. On top of this all, he has been very ill, been hospitalized because of this stress and told we have to find way to handle stress, his heart will not take this. So know I get all this dumped on me, the horror of it, the ugliness, the mind movies constantly running and I have to keep stress off him? How can I survive this? I just want to die and have it all over.

Forks027 posted 11/13/2017 21:46 PM

Hello and welcome.

You concentrate on you for now. Focus on yourself. There are some resources in the Healing Library off to the left-hand side that you may find helpful.

You may or may not have only just breached the tip of the iceberg. However, I find it utterly despicable when they decide to bring them into your own home to do the deed. I will never understand that at all.

mchercheur posted 11/13/2017 22:45 PM

Hi Olgershell70,

Welcome to SI. I am so sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs (Betrayed Spouses), but you will find a lot of comfort, support, and wisdom here. This site has been a lifesaver for me.

What you are feeling is normal.
If you can't eat, make sure that you at least drink a lot of water and protein drinks. If you can't sleep, go to the doctor today and tell him what is going on----they have heard it all before---and get a prescription for antidepressants and also for sleeping pills to get you through these first few nightmare months.

We went to 4 counseling sessions and were told to live in present, don't throw all these years way, etc.

Please fire ^^^this counselor. They don't have a clue what they are talking about.

Try to find another counselor, at least for yourself.

There is no quick fix for "getting over this". It is a major trauma.

Do you have anyone in real life that you can confide in? It helps so much to talk about it.

Read everything in the healing library (upper left), and also the posts with bullseyes.
We are here for you. Keep reading and posting.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))

mchercheur posted 11/13/2017 22:49 PM

I just bumped a post for you:
"Another great post for newbies to read"

It was very helpful to me---hope you also find it helpful.

keptmyword posted 11/13/2017 23:22 PM

Hello Olgershell,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

We all know how you feel.

We know the deep pain, the disbelief, the despair, the fear, shock, and the anguish.

One of the first and most important things you must realize about what you have found out is that it had NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Again, sear this into your heart, mind, and soul:

It had nothing to do with you or your marriage.

Adultery/infidelity is not the result of a bad or failed marriage - it is the result of your wayward husband's failed morality and boundaries.

You must be able to extract yourself from any sense of fault or guilt you may experience or any blame heaped on you.

It was NOT about you at all.

When you are able to realize this then it becomes the foundation upon which you can look at it from the outside and begin to heal.

Keep reading here and keep posting your thoughts and feelings.

There are many, many good people here that will listen and try to help.

NoLongerAlive posted 11/14/2017 00:51 AM

Hi Olgershell70, your highest priority needs to be YOU, especially now. I know it's difficult to absorb all of this new information, and you can't shut off the emotions you have had for the person you have loved and trusted most for so many years, but you have to take care of yourself first. It may sound cold when I advise you not to prioritize his stress and recent hospitalizations, but they are a direct result of his own conscious decisions which ultimately hurt you. You are not at fault and you didn't deserve this.

His "stress" may be a result of the guilt he now feels about being caught and possibly being exposed to family and friends; that's not the same as remorse and a willingness to help you heal. Every situation is different so please use the responses to help evaluate your own, and come to your own conclusions.

Justincase posted 11/14/2017 01:37 AM

((Olgershell70))

So sorry you are dealing with this pain.

Can you talk to your daughter? She should know what you're going through so she can help. I know I would be there for my mom.

There will be others along to help. I just wanted to make sure you know we are here and supporting you. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Justincase posted 11/14/2017 01:41 AM

Also, I agree. Fire the "counselor" you saw. Clueless quack.

EDarcy posted 11/14/2017 01:51 AM

Oh Olgershell70,

He put you in a very difficult situation. This is his doing, not yours. It seems like he is more concerned with alleviating his feelings of guilt than your health and emotional well-being.

Others are right, you must focus on you and your needs right now. I would find an individual counselor who understands trauma caused by infidelity. I would also ask the new counselor for tips on how to discuss this with your children. They will see you focusing on you, being distant with your husband as you try to heal. And, they need to know why, in a way that helps them understand that you are dealing with trauma and need love and support as you deal with this trauma going forward.

Focus on you and on your healing. Let your husband have to face himself and his problems without you giving up your right to grieve and heal.

MissyMisdemeanor posted 11/14/2017 02:16 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. This is not about you. Your spouse owns it. Focus on you. It may have happened a long time ago but for you it is fresh, like it just happened.

Fire the counselor and find someone who specializes in infidelity.

Strength to you.

Ginny posted 11/14/2017 06:42 AM

My heart goes out to you! Please keep reading and posting. We will help in any way we can. Just know you have been heard.

My husband brought the OW into our home as well and it definitely adds another level to the pain and cruelty of the affair. Please know you have been heard. {{hugs}}

undertherug posted 11/14/2017 07:18 AM

Did you find out because your husband confessed? What prompted him to tell you after almost 20 years? Has this woman resurfaced? Is she contacting him? I wonder if this is why his stress level is now off the charts since he has been living with this knowledge for a long time with no apparent side effects. This might warrant some investigation on your part. Please find an IC (individual counselor) for YOU. It's way too soon for a marriage counselor. He needs an IC to explore why he thought at the time it was ok to cheat on his wife and bring his side piece into the marital home. That's low. I would encourage you to find someone in real life you can confide in. Also, any health concerns he has now is a direct result of his own actions and he can figure out a way to deal with them. I can understand your hurt and anger. Please keep posting. We are here for you.

Dorothy123 posted 11/14/2017 09:40 AM

Olgershell70,

Welcome.

I would like to point out that breaking dishes after discovery day (Dday) is pretty common and normal.

Here is a thread on the subject.

"So, what have you smashed, broken, burned, etc?"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=522083

Unfortunately, there are many misconceptions that people who are not betrayed spouses think about affairs.

You can find the misconceptions here.

"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607

Unfortunate many people who are not betrayed spouses think that affairs are all about sex.

"Let's destroy the "it's just sex "misconception!"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598328

Here is the link to the abbreviations we use here.
Just in case you want to know what we are talking about.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Here is a link to the healing library. Many here will recommend that you read it.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

As far as the constant crying, it's very normal too. Just look for the thread titled "What physical symptoms of the A did you have?".

Now, I will give you my customary welcome with links that I personally believe that EVERY newly betrayed spouse should be aware of.

Sorry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurt you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612147

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524902

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger.

I will leave you with a BIG sister to sister

harrybrown posted 11/14/2017 15:34 PM

So sorry that this happened to you.

has he written a timeline of the A?

when was the last contact?

Olgershell70 posted 11/14/2017 16:56 PM

There has been no contact with ow since affair ended. I believe him. He left his position shortly after. The reason he told me now is that he had told my brother when it was happening and my brother recently starte making noises about secrets, etc and h was afraid he was going to spill the beans. Brother is on medical drugs and very unpredictable right now.
Hangs to start over, wants to do everything g he can to help me heal, I just don't want to deal with any of it right now.

TimelessLoss posted 11/14/2017 18:50 PM

I just don't want to deal with any of it right now.

Sorry you have had to find yourself here. You should not make any commitment to him. On one hand he says he was overcome by guilt. Yet it was the possible disclosure by your brother that caused him to reveal the adultery. You've found a great place here for support. Do you have supportive family/friends you can lean on? Everyone has their own comfort level about being able to share their devastation. Please consider talking to a trusted person in your life.

Justincase posted 11/15/2017 01:37 AM

You can only go at your own pace right now. Deal with what you can when you can. As it's been said many times at SI, it's not a race. ((Olgershell70))

SimplyRed posted 11/15/2017 14:39 PM

"On top of this all, he has been very ill, been hospitalized because of this stress and told we have to find way to handle stress, his heart will not take this. So know I get all this dumped on me, the horror of it, the ugliness, the mind movies constantly running and I have to keep stress off him? How can I survive this? I just want to die and have it all over."

You survive by taking care of YOU. Read the Healing Library, drink plenty of fluids, eat, sleep and breathe and find an individual counselor that isn't going to look at your age and say to put this all aside.

I am so sorry you have found yourself here. But here is where you can heal, here is where you can vent, here is where you can talk to those that have been there. Here is where you can be safe and collect your thoughts.

sisoon posted 11/15/2017 17:11 PM

I turned 73 last Summer. My W's A was 7 years ago; d-day was just short of 7 years ago. We just celebrated our 50th anniversary.

I think the first thing to start telling yourself is that there can be a good life after being betrayed, whether you stay or go or kick your H out. Believe me, it's very true - you can have a good life.

Your post actually reads like you're on your way to a good life. It won't come fast enough, but it can come to you. Expect some more time going deeper into grief, anger, fear, and shame, then a gradual plateauing for some time, and then a slow climb back up to joy. If you like your grandkids and can be with them, you might feel real joy sooner than that.

As everyone above says, focus on your healing now. You did nothing wrong - your H cheated because of his issues - but lots of feelings have been dumped on you, and you need to process them.

It's hard to think while under the stress of being betrayed, so don't press yourself for quick decisions. You want good ones, and it will be a while before you can know what you want and the best way to get it.

I really hate to say this. I don't mean to be cavalier. But your H brought this stress on himself. He could have not cheated. He could have found some courage and come clean 17 years ago. He didn't. He chose to wait until his health was messed up.

His stress is his problem, not yours. It's very possible that working through this will free him from stress he's been carrying around with him for 17 years. In other words, if you need something from him, ask for it. It may help him as well as you.

I echo the reco to find a good IC to help you process your feelings and figure out where you want to go from here.

You can choose R or D with your head held high. You can move or redo any part of your house with your head held high. You can focus on yourself and keep your head held high. If you're not ready to decide, you can hold your head high. You're at an age when there are more women than men - I suspect you'll get a lot of support no matter what you do.

If you choose D, remember the demographics. You shared a lot of good years. IMO, R is best if both partners are willing to do the work in any case. I think that's doubly so when older, because I like having a partner.

OTOH, I've seen reports of surveys which say that single older women are happier than single M women of the same age, and I've never seen one that says the opposite.

Don't press yourself to decide - again, you want a great solution, not a fast one.

WRT mind movies, I let them run. I couldn't relate well to my W while they were running, but I found them to be a lot shorter and a lot more mundane than I thought. I've been less troubled by mind movies than many people seem to be. That could be my personality, but it could be the fact that I let them run.

To R, you heal you, your H heals himself, and together you build a new M - but the M can be healed only if the individual healing has started.

Was the MC recent? If so, look for another MC. Also, your H could probably use IC to help him deal with the part of his stress associated with guilt and fear of losing you.

He didn;t cheat because of your M. Dealing with M issues are at best an indirect way to heal. OTOH, if you want help establishing boundaries in your M, MC might be able to help.

There's so much to learn ... I'll stop now, because it's impossible to read or write everything.

But this is worth reading again: you can lead a good life, even after being betrayed.

kaygem posted 11/15/2017 17:20 PM

Olgers,

I am a fairly new BS. I don't have a lot to offer in the way of sage advice like the more experienced of the SI crew do, however I just want you to know that I feel your pain, you are in such trauma right now. I am sending love and prayers for you.

To have your whole life feel like a lie, to have your memories shattered. There is no pain like it in the world. Nothing compares.

This place has been such a haven for me during this painful time. Please keep posting here and asking questions. I don't have anyone to talk to in real life either, I don't know what I would have done without SI.