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Lots of pain

fx20greg posted 11/21/2017 08:43 AM

My marriage has been going to shit for about 1.5 years. Found a picture of my wife with another man on email and her telling him she loved him. There has been months and months of lies, arguments, sneaky behavior, etc. I would be writing all day if I told the entire story. We are now living apart, me in the apartment, her in the house. She really has done tremendous damage to me. I'm at a point where I know staying with my wife is not healthy for me but I am heartbroken and crushed to divorce. Just finding out how little I'm worth to her and how easy it is to lie and and twist everything to make me feel like this is my fault telling me I'm crazy, etc. I've read some of the other stories here and I'm sorry to all who are going through this shit storm but it does help to know others are out there feeling the same way.

Western posted 11/21/2017 08:48 AM

How long have you been married ? Why did you move out ? Where does this other pos live ? Have you retained a lawyer yet ?

fx20greg posted 11/21/2017 09:27 AM

Been married 17 years. I moved out because of the lying and arguments. It was getting really bad and I thought getting out was the safest thing for me. No lawyer yet, I had myself believing there was still hope but in my heart I know there is not. I have next week off from work and plan to start that process. It is just crushing to do even though I know its what needs to be done.

Marriagesucks posted 11/21/2017 09:35 AM

When you moved out did OM move in?
Are there children involved?

Western posted 11/21/2017 09:37 AM


is she still harassing you ?

What is her reaction going to be when she gets served papers ?

Is this guy local ?

One of the first things I suggest to any newly betrayed is to think with your mind over your heart. There are tons of reading on this online. If you don't learn and practice this, you will suffer immensely more than you already have

fx20greg posted 11/21/2017 09:57 AM

I have never been able to know anything about OM other than his first name and that she works with him. I think he is out of the picture now as she was recently making very small efforts with me but then again, she has lied about so much, who knows. He was never at my house that I'm aware of. We have no children of our own, her son, who I raised as my own and have a great relationship with is older, married and has a kid.

I'm not sure what her reaction will be, I have seen sides of her in the last year that I didn't know existed. She has said and done things that make me question our entire relationship and make me wonder how I spent 17 years with her thinking she loved and cared for me. Like I said, this is probably in the wrong place as I didn't just find out, I'm just really struggling with leaving the person I love even though I have no doubt its the best thing for me. Sometimes I feel like she has gutted me and broken me and yet I will still get sad and hurt and reach out to her only to get punched in the gut again. I do think I had made it to acceptance but recently fallen back into hurt and anger.

Tigersrule77 posted 11/21/2017 10:12 AM

Well you can also say that you still haven't "found out" as your WW is not telling you the truth, and probably never will. Although things may be over with that man, there may be another. Sounds like you did the best thing for yourself by moving out. Now you need to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. From what you are writing, it sounds as though your wife was done with the M quite some time ago, but rather than end it, she wants you to do that. It is pretty common. Not sure why.

Take care of yourself and keep posting, there are a lot of experienced people here who give very helpful advice.

Dorothy123 posted 11/21/2017 10:15 AM

Fx, I will link you to my threads.

If you read my threads, you will know that EVERYTHING you are going through right now is normal, unfortunately.

Here they are.

Sorry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurt you so bad that you could've "

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger.

Sending you strength and peace.

Walking with you.

M1965 posted 11/21/2017 10:16 AM

Hi Greg,

Please do have a look at The Healing Library on this site. There is a lot there that you can read, which may help as you try to get a perspective on what has happened.

One thing I can say is that your worth is not in any way dependent on your wife, or any validation from her. I know that is easy to say, we all do look to our spouses for that, but the truth that comes across time and again in the forums here is that people who cheat have frequently lost sight of their values or their conventional boundaries, and their judgement is somewhat impaired.

What your wife has been doing to you is, sadly, 'classic' cheater behaviour. Twisting things around to make it seem like things are your fault is called 'gas-lighting', after a famous old movie in which a husband tried to convince his wife that she was crazy. Blame-shifting is par for the course, as is plain old lying.

I know that it hurts to have those things done to you by someone that you love, but what is apparent from the many stories in this forum is that those who commit infidelity find a way to bump their spouse/partner off their emotional/moral radar during their affairs, possibly because they have had to shut down their values/morals to enable them to cheat in the first place.

Instead, with those higher functions switched off for the duration of the affair, what you often get is pure selfishness, callous indifference, and a total rejection of personal responsibility. It can be horrible to deal with someone when they have switched off so many of the boundaries and values that you observe, and take as a natural part of life, but as I say, without switching them off, a person could not cheat and lie to begin with.

I think that is why some people who cheat look back on their behaviour and feel genuinely shocked by what they enabled themselves to do during an affair, but that only happens when they switch their honesty, morals, scruples, boundaries, etc, back on, and that can only really happen after an affair is over. What you are dealing with is a version of your wife that is probably unrecognisable to you. Many, many people here have had to deal with that, and some have likened it to dealing with a 'pod person' version of their spouse, like the old "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers" movie.

What I think you should cling to, greg, as your absolute rock and foundation in all of this is that you have not changed. You are the same person you always were. You have not switched off your higher values, you are not a 'pod' version of yourself, you have not gone into kamikaze selfishness mode. I am very sorry that you have been hurt by your wife's actions, and I hope that everyone here will do their best to help you heal.

For my part, I really want to emphasise that what your wife has done does not reflect on you, but on her. She has lost her moral compass, she has switched off her decency, and she is operating on a much more basic, and base level. That, unfortunately, is 'affair mode'. Do not expect anything approaching good treatment from her while she is in this frame of mind.

Instead, please take care of yourself, and know - do not just think - but KNOW that there is nothing a person can do if their spouse willingly enters the mental and moral free-fall, all-bets-are-off, helter-skelter, do-anything-you-damn-well-please world of having an affair. She knowingly chose to enter that world, you did not push her into it, but having an affair requires people do disable their sense of responsibility, so the poor betrayed spouse often gets blamed. That is one of the many injustices of infidelity, greg, but please do not take it to heart. This is all about her, not about you.

The positive thing is that you have found this forum, which has close to sixty thousand members, and which is full of people who can advise you from their real-life experiences. As you will be aware by now, there are several forums here, covering different aspects of infidelity, so please do check out all of them to see which may be useful to you.

For now, know that you have been heard, and that there are people here who will try their best to support you to extricate yourself from infidelity. That does not necessarily mean divorce; it can equally mean reconciliation, but a meaningful reconciliation based on honesty and remorse. It all depends on how things play out.

Take care, greg, and we will be thinking of you.

fx20greg posted 11/21/2017 10:56 AM

Thank you

twisted posted 11/21/2017 11:52 AM

You need to demand a name, or go to her place of work and find out.
Take her phone and get her email logins and do a search for all texts, pics and correspondence. Check the deleted and trash folders.
You can download a program like DrFone to recover those deleted.
If she refuses, assume she is, or ha, deleted everything, and at least threaten that the marriage is over, and you are going immediately to a lawyer.
The objective is to proactively avoid her tattle truthing you along and to have her come clean up front, with EVERYTHING. Surprises later that she hid from you will kill any chance of fixing this.

1Faith posted 11/21/2017 12:02 PM

Has your WW indicated that she wants to R or D?

Living in limbo is pure hell.

I am so sorry for you.

I agree with the others, you need to know who this guy is and if he is married. Blow their affair fantasy out of the water. I doubt the A has ended if she is still protecting him.

See an attorney just so you know what you will be facing should you need to. Know your rights and be as prepared as you can.

We are so sorry that you are here and that you are hurting.

Take care of you. You matter. As hard as it is, don't let her horrid choice to cheat define you. That is 100% on her.

(((good luck)))

fx20greg posted 11/21/2017 12:45 PM

I try to access the healing library but it just seems to be a FAQ section. Any advice?

fx20greg posted 11/21/2017 12:45 PM

Just figured it out. Thanks

Marz posted 11/21/2017 13:07 PM

She cheats and you move out?


Marz posted 11/21/2017 13:11 PM

If they work together the affair is ongoing.

Only way you have a chance is find out who it is and inform his wife. Best way to end an affair. Do this without warning.

If you canít get this done you have zero chance

Tren0R201 posted 11/21/2017 13:33 PM

how little I'm worth to her

Tell me, why do you place value in what a certified liar thinks/feels about you. The question is moving forward how much value do you place on yourself?

It's very easy to move on when you've got a bit on the side, real talk I imagine if you had a couple of women lined up it would take some of the edge off the pain and at least serve as a distraction.

Do what you need to do to start extricating yourself from the source of your pain.

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