SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

lostthatlovingfeeling posted 12/10/2017 12:56 PM

So today I did, and I think I meant it. I know I meant it, just trying to be nicer on here and trying not to sound like a raving lunatic because please trust me, I am not. I have been through enough. I have taken and eaten enough of this shit sandwich and am choking on it at this point.

I think about what he did and I swear if he did it again I am gone. It will literally be the most expensive piece of ass he has ever encountered, not to mention more. I am triggered today and sound like I have lost my mind. I recognize this. I guess then if I recognize it, I haven't lost my mind huh? Do you act like this when triggered?

Have you threatened your spouse to maintain some essence of control of your life because you know if happens again you are going to lose your shit and what I mean by that is your mind?

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/10/2017 13:23 PM

Threats are just that. A threat. You said. It is used as a means to control.

Threats can be. “I will hurt you”. I will divorce”. “I will tell”. And so forth.

At 3 years our; you are not getting what you need for R. So threatening is giving you a false sense of security.

It doesn’t actually help healing of the marriage. Nor you. Nor your spouse. It’s adding another toxic layer to the relationship.

Have you sat down and written what reconciliation means to you? What can realistically be attained in your relationship 30 days from now. 90 Days? 120?

You are attempting to reconcile with someone who has poor coping skills. What has he done to change his coping skills?

What have you done to facilitate your own healing?

In a sense; I get what your husband is saying about the kids. Kids want love to come from their parents. It gives them contentment. Because they are children. All they see is one dimension sticking out. And that is the loud one. It’s such a double edge sword. You are clearly still hurting. Your husband isn’t.

When a person hurts what can be done contructively to heal hurt?

I think one of the most difficult things to do in this mess is be a healing person and not a person spewing out the poison. Affairs poison people.

I am not saying this is your dynamic. I just know threats do not open doors.

lostthatlovingfeeling posted 12/10/2017 13:28 PM

I get what you are saying. Our kids are in their mid 20's. One doesn't talk to him, another understands where I am coming from because he has been cheated on, the other one is just sick of it period, and the other would do anything for their dad even if he drug them down the road underneath a car.

I need to work on this but I can't work on it myself. I am getting no where. Just spinning. And by that, I mean I am getting no where with him. He doesn't do the work. We can't even talk about it because as soon as we do, he's defensive. Then if I continue to talk about it, he leaves the house.

[This message edited by lostthatlovingfeeling at 1:28 PM, December 10th (Sunday)]

Crazymixedupkid posted 12/10/2017 14:00 PM

I heard "I will get you" when she found out. I will get you turned into her flushing nearly $100K, putting me into bankruptcy and then having an affair. What she did not realize is that my mindset is not just taking it, but getting even. Day after I was told she slept with J, from her office, J was dragged by me into her office, while I am screaming at the top of my lungs so that everyone in her company heard that she slept with J. I was still shaking the little prick when he unloaded on my WW, and said in front of everyone who worked with her, that she stunk in bed, had a fat ass and saggy boobs. She stays long enough to hear that the boss fired her, and that her AP was MARRIED. Then she took off for her mom's, too bad I called her mother and informed her that her daughter had slept with a dirty little immigrant ( I characterized it that way for maximum effect). In short, I fucked up her life beyond all recognition. I purposely had her fired, because she'd have continued with the AP to rub my nose in it. Now, he would have nothing to do with her, he was being deported, because I arranged for both to lose their jobs. I also wanted her isolated with no means of support because I was a giant asshole. So no job, and as expected, her boss blacklisted her. No company in their field would hire her in the near future. Did to her what she did to me. A month later, when the rent came due, I showed up with enough cash for rent and food. That precipitated a long and slow reconciliation.

delilah2016 posted 12/10/2017 14:10 PM

I lost my mind on my fWH at least once a week for about 3 months.

He was so delusional that I would go crazy. We were trying to hold it together because our daughter was getting married in a few months and I didn't want her then asshole father to ruin years of planning.

I still occasionally jokingly (maybe)
tell him to watch it or his story could end up on an episode of Deadly Women.

fWH has been seeing an IC for over two years now and is on Prozac. He is a changed man, but it took at least at least a year.

FlightlessRobin posted 12/10/2017 17:27 PM

WH and I were talking earlier (I had had a trigger) about how I used to berate him verbally and how it's easier to talk through a trigger now, because we've both done the therapy and put in the work, than those days when I lashed out verbally in what I felt was an attempt to even the score. I would never cheat to get even - I thought about it plenty of times but I just can't go to that level. But if I left him, he would have nothing, and that was threat enough.
It takes an effort from both spouses to get through the brutal moments if you ever want to get to a place where you can just talk it out. Sure, I freak out at times still. It's hard as hell to stay sane when you're in R. But that level of anger comes from a deep place that needs to be tended to.
You're making a great step by being here. I hope your WS can turn in the same direction and you can work it out. And if not, life is short. If your WS can't compromise on talking through your feelings then you're honestly wasting your time. I don't know how far you're into R, but we've been through therapy for 9 months now and the last time my WS cheated was a little over a year ago. The only reason I've stayed with him is because he's turned his life completely around and done intensive therapy himself so that I will stay.
However... I did get overly drunk and smash his mother's china a few days after the final d-day a few months back. And I can tell you now that I honestly don't feel bad about it. That was something that was dear to him and dropping plates one by one in front of him was oh so satisfying. It wasn't the right action, it wasn't what someone more emotionally stable would do, but if we were all emotionally stable we wouldn't be here.

Unhinged posted 12/10/2017 19:52 PM

One day, about six months after D-day, I told my fww that she could either make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer; the choice was hers. It wasn't a threat.

There were many other moments in which I told my fww that I was done with putting up with such and such a behavior. Establishing and enforcing boundaries isn't always easy, but it's necessary.

I'm pretty sure that I'd be divorced today had my fww not answered every question I had, not talked about it, her feelings, thoughts, issues, etc. And I asked about a bazillion questions, often more than once.

You can't change your WH. The only thing you can change is your willingness to put up with his silence. If it's unacceptable to you, what does that say about your marriage? That it's equally unacceptable?

Lay down the law, lostthatlovingfeeling. Strap those bitch boots on and give him a swift kick in the ass. Have divorce papers drawn up and give him the option to sign or talk.

Best wishes.

waitedwaytoolong posted 12/10/2017 20:08 PM

If he isn’t doing anything to help you you have every right to demand that he buck up and put some effort it. It’s expectations of what he needs to do. The threat part is only the consequence of what happens if he doesn’t. Meet those. Again, perfectly justified.

Geranium posted 12/11/2017 05:58 AM

I’m sure you know that idle threats are pointless. I suspect your husband doesn’t believe you will really follow through. What’s more you are hurting yourself and jeopardizing your own recovery.

In an ideal world you’d both have IC and he would learn to talk and you’d learn to control your triggers, and eventually you might undergo MC.

But since, by the looks of things this seems unlikely, what are your realistic options?

File for divorce
Implement a hard or soft 180 strategy
Try your best to play the good wife and pretend you’re okay
Carry on as now, ie periodically lose it and shout at him

Which do you feel will most likely lead to a future you can live with?

numb&dumb posted 12/11/2017 13:52 PM

Yes I'd lost control many times. Threatened D.

Threats did not get to her. The day the lawyers office sent me a bill and she opened it. . .yeah then it became real for her.

HenryIIX posted 12/11/2017 14:11 PM

Did I threaten my WS: Yep!
Did I make promises: Yep!
Have I sounded like a raving lunatic: Yep!
Did I lose my shit on him repeatedly: Hell to the Yep!

But.....what I never did was make idle threats or promises, no matter how much I wanted to I filtered those thoughts. Shit was that difficult! Never make a statement you don't fully plan on backing up. Once your bluff is called, you are screwed. There is nothing more damaging then your WS knowing you won't do as you say. It might give you a temporary sense of control, I totally get it, but you will lose in the long run.

Empty threats will become your worst enemy. If you say it - mean it.

OrdinaryDude posted 12/11/2017 17:00 PM

Yes, absolutely...she knows I'll burn every bridge in her life that I can possibly light.

In essence its not really a threat, its one possible reality of consequences for her actions.

I hope I never need to though.

NowGuarded posted 12/11/2017 17:24 PM

I've threatened D many times.

But I'm constantly learning that time is far better than threats - whether it has to do with D (which I have opted out of) or whether time just replaces threats in the form of more reconciliation strategies as a team. I just hate having to be the team captain most of the time. But more often than over the past 2 years, I do see him stepping up to the plate on his own to work on us.

lostthatlovingfeeling, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've been there several times. ((hugs))