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Just now found out. Have not confronted her

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oldtruck posted 2/9/2018 08:55 AM

"The OM dumped her before he died - to reconcile with his faith. I think it's safe to say, if he were still alive, OP's WW would t be with OM today."

This evidence is provided by an uncorroborated

Maybe the BW caught her WH so he ended the

Maybe the reality hit that the OM had his
fun, and the bonus knowing that he got to
stick the BH with being a cuckold to raise
his OC. With no way to top this he ended the

Maybe the "I found religion" excuse was use to
keep his OW from going bunny boiler on him.
Accepting that the affair was over.

No, I do not think it is safe to say that
the WW would of left her BH for the OM if the
OM lived.

Though what I did see happening because she
never confessed to her BH is the affair
restarting and stopping from time to time.

Whenever the OM felt his BW was not being
suspicious of him.

And, a good chance of him getting the OP's
wife pregnant again.

Two things happened to end the cheating.

The OM died.

What no one will ever know is that the WW
never cheated again is because no other
OM ever targeted for a second affair.

We will never know if the WW did the work
to make herself affair proof after her affair

We do know that she saved all that stuff
about her affair.

The OP has to decide is his life going to be
better with WW or without WW.

Marz posted 2/9/2018 09:44 AM

I said yes, but you let yourself get pregnant by him. She insisted it wasn't planned, but once she was pregnant, she couldn't terminate herself. She said she told him hoping he would insist that she get an abortion.

Most cheaters when confronted with proof will mix truth with lies to minimize. You'll never really know but the length of time between children is odd. Was she on birth control? When did she go off it? That may clue you in more. From your posts it seems like she was happy having his child.

She was content with you living a lie for years and would have continued. I doubt like most you'll ever know the full truth.

Take care of yourself at this time because you are all you have.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Western posted 2/9/2018 09:47 AM

Oldtruck analyzes it pretty well above

69lake posted 2/10/2018 19:36 PM

You are still in the denial stage and being a responsible and loving BS, your natural instinct is to rush headlong to protect the children and try to repair the M with WW. You will clutch straws to justify her actions such as not giving her enough attention, that WW is a follower etc. BUT infidelity requires TWO thinking and consenting adults who are fully aware of their actions and the planning that goes into the act of betraying their respective BS.

Sorry but IMO your WW is still feeding you a shit sandwich. There is so many inconsistencies in WW reasons for the EA/PA with POSOM that you have to take a step back and remove the rose coloured glasses to see the shit sandwich that she is feeding you.

1. “ She could not terminate the pregnancy herself”. Is she a strict Catholic or Christian? Any WW who claims to love their BS and gets pregnant with a POSOM will surely try to abort the child. It is in the best interest of both WW and POSOM to abort if they really wanted to maintain their respective M with BS. But NO, they decided together to go ahead with the pregnancy resulting in DD. Ask yourself why? The reason is that DD is a love child of WW and POSOM and their plan was to leave their respective BS when the time is right.

The only other reason I can think of why WW would risk the M with you by giving birth to DD is that POSOM looks physically exactly like you i.e hair colour, eyes, facial features etc….are you??

2. “ POSOM ended the EA/PA with a phone call”. After many years of an EA/PA with love notes and intimate pictures of POSOM, WW and DD together and the whole affair ends with a mere phone call? This only means the OBS found out of the affair and the phone call was made by POSOM on OBS demand. It also means that the EA/PA went underground with no more text or email messages. The reason of ‘ returning back to the church’ is just an excuse to hide the affair.

3. “ She visited POSOM’s grave a few times”. Is this consistent with a person who claims that has no feelings for another? WW was in love with POSOM and his sudden death left her no choice but to continue the M with you.

WW has shown no remorse and has a great ability to compartmentalize. She had an EA/PA with POSOM without any guilt for years and without you suspecting anything and then lie to you about DD on who the real father is for another 4 years. WW is not only a cheater but is also a serial liar. Consider very carefully if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.

If you want to know how much of a shit sandwich you are being fed, talk to the OBS and get WW to take a poly. Also, if you decide to R with WW and stay in the M, you have an obligation to keep in contact with OBS especially if she has children from POSOM because DD will want to know who her other siblings are.

The reality as it stand now is that you are PLAN C and the decision to R or D is ONLY yours to make. You said that you are non-confrontational. Does this mean that you tend to keep problems within yourself and stew on it? You need to go for IC to help you decide what is best for you and you alone that will put you in a happy place and with peace with yourself. Forget MC at this point.

You have time but in the meantime, maybe an in house separation will give you some space to think about everything that is happening in your life right now. Also, start separating your finances.

Giving you strength.

Marz posted 2/10/2018 22:37 PM

Maybe the "I found religion" excuse was use to
keep his OW from going bunny boiler on him.
Accepting that the affair was over.

If he'd truly found religion he'd have confessed. You didn't get one so......

atreides posted 2/10/2018 23:41 PM

This discussion is moot... posters are actually talking about "levels" as to say "how much cheating did and would have gone on."

This changes nothing, cheating starts in the mind, that is the most dangerous part, everything else follows.

From emotion to full romping, cheating must be treated the same..

so what does it matter if she would or would not have stayed... if R is to be decided which it does not look to be, the same amount of work has to be done... say she would still be with OM, then if R, exposure would take effect and then the same path to recovery.
If D then what does it matter?

I will never understand the need of the "levels of cheating" as cheating is cheating.

The only instance i get is when the BS needs details for closure or to help with their chosen path.

sending strength.

[This message edited by atreides at 11:44 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

anoldlion posted 2/11/2018 03:24 AM

I have no advice, just some observations. Reading your post gives me the indication that your wife may be very submissive. She said that the AP decided everything during the affair. What they would do, where they would go, and everything else. When you ask her why she did this, one of her answers was, "it felt good to be overwhelmed". Maybe you have hit upon something else you didn't know about your wife. If you haven't already, maybe you should ask her if you being the dominate partner in the marriage is what she really wants. Maybe she has wanted you to be more in charge in the bedroom and in the marriage for a long time. Just an observation.

I am a believer in R and second chances when both want that. I am not a believer in third chances. I know you wonder what will happen if you give her that gift of R. Another poster on here made an observation that could help you in the decision making process. That poster said that how your wife treated you and the marriage, in the years between the end of the affair and your discovery of the affair, is a pretty good preview of how your marriage will progress in the future. You have had 8 years to observe how she has been and you yourself have said she has been a good wife. My thought is that what she has to offer in the marriage, even after the betrayal, far outweighs what you will face by kicking her to the curb. As far as consequences if you R, she will have to spend the rest of her life knowing what she has done to you, to her children, and her marriage. The pain she has caused and the trust she has lost. Many times, emotional consequences are more detrimental to a person's life than physical ones. Besides, you are aware and alert so if she ever was to break R you would know.

My last observation. If the DNA proves you are not the biological father (no matter what, you will always be her Dad) and you one day tell her, then divorcing will be detrimental to her. Whether she is 8, 18, or 28 she will always feel she was the cause of the divorce. She will tell you she doesn't believe she caused you and your wife to divorce, but deep down she will always believe she was and that you left because of her. Just an observation. In the end, all the decisions are yours. Make ones that are right for you and your family. I do wish you well.

Michigan posted 2/11/2018 10:20 AM

She said he was the one who wanted to see DD after she was born, but then not long after seeing her, he changed, got cold toward WW, and then his talk of reconciling with the church started.

He broke it off when DD was about about six weeks old. She said he didn't even meet her to end it, just broke it off by phone.


Your daughter made it real for the OM. Your wife had a claim on him that couldn’t be denied. The claim was so overwhelming that he couldn’t even look at your wife (phone) when he ran for the hills.

His getting religion is a crock and makes him an even bigger POS than he was before. “Look at me. I’m not abandoning my responsibilities for selfish reasons. I’m a good guy because God made me do it.”

Your wife visited his grave after that? I know she's a women but did she piss on it?

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:23 AM, February 11th (Sunday)]

Michigan posted 2/11/2018 10:39 AM

I don't know if I can forgive this.


If you do tell her some day that you forgive her make sure she knows what that means. i.e. that you forgive her but can’t forget. Many WS use the statement “You said that you forgave me” to shut you up and prevent you bringing up their affair ever again.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:39 AM, February 11th (Sunday)]

rambler posted 2/11/2018 11:57 AM

Not only do you have her words you have her actions.

Maybe it was unplanned but she also did not take percussions either.

She was truthful to I'm about his baby, lied to you.

She gave him options, did not give that to you.

She keep the flash drive all these years, you know why.

Best of luck.

jtom posted 2/11/2018 18:07 PM

Haven t posted in awhile but Iam still around. My two cents, dumfounded you ve been fed a helluva shit sandwich from your WW. Re read the posts by Isurvived an Western. The affair an what you found out will alaways be the 800 gorilla in the room with you an your WW, if you decide to stay. Like others have said you can still be a terrific dad to that child if you divorce. I for one cannot wrap my head around the stunt your WW pulled, just like Ill' never wrap my head around what my ex-pulled. I know its not sane. Really who does that an can go to sleep at night. Also remember the ole saying, The Best Predictor Of Future Behavior Is Past Behavior.

Western posted 2/11/2018 19:48 PM

glad you are still around Jtom. It's been a while. Bad circumstances bring the best of us together

Western posted 2/11/2018 19:56 PM

look, I am going to deviate here.

I really don't care what kind of a wife she has been over the last few years.


1) Cheated
2) Had a kid, probably from the other man
3) Hid it from her husband
4) kept a flash drive, maybe ?? for memories ?
5) Got defensive when found out.

Sorry folks, trying to figure out why anyone finds this to be reconciliation material.

It's like A1's thread. Not as long of an affair but other parts are disturbing.

In a case like this, there are better fish in the sea for this guy.

I know I will get attacked for this but knowing there are pictures of the OM rubbing her pregnant belly is enough to make the normal person cringe.

I can't make a decision for 74. What I can say is that he has been a victim of fraud.

I wish him the best of luck in his journey


notanotherchance posted 2/11/2018 20:34 PM

I agree 100% with western. Just too much damage to keep the ship floating

Long Gone posted 2/11/2018 23:13 PM

I'm thinking that some folks here need to quit projecting... just sayin

[This message edited by Long Gone at 11:14 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

JS84 posted 2/12/2018 00:35 AM

Ya I hope this doesn't turn into another Ambivalent thread. Pages and pages of members going back and forth with theories and projections long after the OP is gone....

Dismayed2012 posted 2/12/2018 12:55 PM

Glad to hear from you dumbfounded. Sorry about what you're going through. We've all for the most part, been where you are emotionally. Don't feel bad if you can't live with what your wife did. Most men move on to D. Your situation is even more difficult to live with knowing that your wife's betrayal included having another man's child. Though I, like you would love the child, I wouldn't be able to live with the betrayer. Continue to take care of yourself. Regardless of how you choose to live your life with or without your wife, you're on your way to making it though the storm.

dumbfounded74 posted 2/13/2018 17:49 PM

Still taking it a day at a time. I had my first individual counseling session, and W has an appointment for one. Also had a DNA test at a local facility for DD and should have the results soon. She has a vague idea of these tests from watching that show on PBS about trying to find your ancestors. I'm not sure though that she's old enough to understand the difference between a bio father and a de facto father. Don't want to lie to her but not sure how or when to tell her of the results, if they turn out to be what we think they are.

W and I are talking but are living in seperate parts of the house. Still haven't decided on D or R. W really wants R, but when I talk divorce, she says she doesn't blame me.

Other than that, just trying to stay stable and healthy. W and I are trying to make sure this isn't harder on DD than it has to be. It's obvious to her something's wrong, but we're trying to make sure she knows we both love her and that she'll be secure no matter what happens.

Western posted 2/13/2018 18:55 PM

I am glad you came back. Just like Ambivalentone who will come back at some point, it's not dissenting opinions here that chases people away, it is the fact that people who are in your situation get busy, pissed, sometimes want a break from talking about these things, etc...

You are holding up well. You are a stand up guy and we are here to support you bro

Western posted 2/13/2018 18:58 PM

BTW, stand your ground !! You didn't deserve this BS and it is all on your WW. If things fail, she needs to eat the shit sandwich, not you. She is simply lucky that you are trying for the sake of the family.

Good God man, I feel horrible that you are dealing with this.

Is it better to have found the drive or not ? I always think the truth is better to know. Could you imagine if you found out 20 years from now ????

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