Ddayversary tomorrow. 2yrs. I'm cursed with a memory for days and numbers and details. Great for work... Kids schedules... Our calendar, finances, etc.
Not great when you've dug through every email and Facebook and old journal entries and know the whole Affair history/ calendar like the back of your hand.
Earlier this week I was visibly sad. Which I hate because it's not fair this is all still making me so sad! Which started all the triggering... Which led to a real need to do something. I'm not a good passive chick. Action means something. I wrote letters to ow. And to obs. I was feeling a teeny bit better. But not near out of the dismal dark of the week.
So I tell wh that I'm having a tough week and need him to pay attention and be there for me. We had toddler grandchildren here for 3 days so there wasn't a lot of down time for me to wallow or for him to be attentive... I forgot how hard it is!
They went home today and we went for dinner. I made a comment about not going to our old Town for a party next month. He assumed I meant because we could run into ow. Perhaps I said it in a tone that implied that. It wasn't really my point. I just don't want to be an hour away from home late at night after cocktails that are inevitable.
So we get home and he needs to talk. He started out the right direction and I'm feeling good about where the evening is headed... "I know 5 years ago I was responsible for damaging us...I'm sorry. I'm remorseful.. Etc etc." As he was talking I thought he was being the loving supporting rock I needed. I sat quiet listening...
"... But... (my jaw drops as I hear the change in his voice)... Its driving me crazy that I (he) have to walk on eggshells everyday (bc I'm having 3 days of sadness now he is miserable energy day of his life) and hear the comments like this over and over (it was once ) and you still freaking out after 5 years (tomorrow is 2yrs) and I can't stand thinking that this is my life forever not being able to joke around with people etc (he is talking about one woman friend of ours) and why can't I just get over this. And I'll never really forgive him.
So I told him I appreciate the apology and acknowledgement. Corrected 5 to 2 years and reminded him that it may have been over for him 5 yrs ago but I've only known for 2yrs and dday tomorrow happens to be our grandsons birthday (so I have to slap on the happy face with 20 toddlers for a party) and the day my mother was diagnosed with cancer (she passed 12 weeks later during which he had 2 business trips with cow... And he left for another trip 3 days after the funeral... Hello diagnosis day trigger.) so it's very rough for me being a days-and-numbers kind of gal that he liked perfectly fine before (since I made all the money we now live on.) but hates now because... Well it's obvious I don't forget anything. then I told him he is correct... There is No fun and joking around and hugging or emailing other women... Even for his hobby (music) and Especially one with a similar bad marriage as cow. I told him the humiliation of me Allowing him to talk me into believing there was nothing going on with cow when I knew better WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN and I knew how it started with cow and I refuse to let it happen again. I said she is looking for attention and needs you like
Amy did and you drop everything to reply (it's like 3 emails asking for legit things... I know nothing is going on but still... ) I told him that when he poo poos away my concerns and talks over me and bullies me it reminds me of the 5 years he was fucking his secretary and how stupid I was to allow it and reminds me how much I HATE THAT MAN.
And I told him I'm sitting here 2yrs after my world crashed down around me. I AM forgiving him. I won't forget. But it gets a little better every day. Until conversations like this set it BACK...
So he sits and argues about it being all about me. I said yes I get this one to be about me. I asked for some extra attention for one fuckingg week. Let it be mine and have your meltdown another fucking day. He's telling me I talked and he barely talked. I timed us. It was even. But who cares anyway. He was yelling about what we just talked about as if he didn't hear a thing.
He sat a while pouting. I asked if he was mad at me or himself. He said both. I told him being mad at himself he needs to get over. What he did is done and he can't change it (thanks to my si family for my calmness here) and if he is mad at me for imposing these parameters for my marriage he needs to "JUST GET OVER IT Already" because it is what it is. And I will not tolerate it otherwise
He started arguing about nothingness. Who talked longer. Repeating things. Being mean. Being louder and condescending
Which triggers me to the unfairness of it all... So I go there. I asked if cow knows I know. If her bs knows. He is pouting again and unresponsive. Which pisses me off. And makes me want to retaliate. I told him I hate that the one time in 6 months I allow myself to be vulnerable and set up by ASKING for some extra attention THis Week he has to go and pick a fight over nothing and then sit there and pout and do exactly the opposite of what I have now practically begged for days multiple times... He went to bed. Typical.
Omg I'm just a mess and hate this life. Why can't I just be the one to shut up and pout? Why can't I give the silent treatment... Or be able to walk away from that nonsense. Why do I chase his attention? Why can't I get over this?
I'm not staying for convenience (it's not) or money (it's all mine... I wonder if he is staying for my money) we have memories and fun times together. Kids and grandkids. My ego doesn't want to Fail again. I love him. It's not always like this
Cripes I'm all over the place.
