SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

OnlyGodcanhealIT posted 2/11/2018 04:38 AM

So as you can see in my signature, my WH had an affair, stopped it himself, and we tried to reconcile. Last week I checked his phone and found a sent email (was not there before) from 11/17 of an answered Craigslist ad for m2m. After lying about it all day, he confessed that since we were having all these problems and a hard time reconciling, he thought he could possibly be gay. He answered an ad just to talk, and realized it was stupid and he’s not gay.
I told him I was done and needed a divorce. At the same time he got severe sciatica. Like out of work for a week, can’t walk or do much of anything. I haven’t helped him and have probably been a B and heartless. He has researched divorce and got information. I told him I needed to make sure I was secure in all ways before pulling the trigger. I am not financially independent and I’m a planner so I’m ok with this taking a while so I can figure it all out. The kids will be devastated and just hitting puberty. Part of me wants to wait until they are older. It breaks my heart to do this right before puberty. His parents agree. Call me a wuss, it is how I feel. My feelings come second to my kids as they are reaching puberty-what a whirlwind time for them. They have their own problems and now We are going to exacerbate them. I am a slow processor and have a hard time doing this amidst feeling like my world is shattered. We’ve also had conversations through the week and no I don’t want to divorce because I want a cohesive family but I want him to fight for his family...if not for me then for his girls. I offered solutions like how about we could be amicable until they are older. We just keep very busy with our separate lives and wait. I know what some of you are thinking, and I may be wrong.

He needs to check meds, be in counseling. He’s got mild bipolar and ADHD. He stopped going to counseling for cheating, and he refused all affection towards me. He says he doesn’t know why, and he doesn’t want to. I must admit, I am not a lovey dovey wife. I have had some horrible reactions to the cheating and I have said mean things. My flaws are these: strong willed, introvert, some anger issues. I don’t connect easily with people. I tend to have a strong opinion and he is passive and has always allowed me to lead but with resistance...but has grown resentful over the years. I think he’s done. I am mad at myself that I can’t be like a lot of the men on here in my shoes who are just moving forward with D and so relentless about it. I’m the one who was cheated on (twice?) and I feel like he’s going to take the lead on the pace of this D. I don’t want D now, I want him to fight or tell me we can make this work enough until the girls are older and I am financially in a better place. Chances are we will have an amicable divorce. We are like that most of the time.
He knows he has a mental instability and says he probably won’t change, and will make these stupid ass mistakes. Like he knows that he’s been an ass, but will not do the work.
I know what he’s saying “he’s just not that into me” haha...
It’s hurtful, especially since he cheated. Hello? Fight for your wife and family!!! Then I feel like I’m this extreme God person because I have a strong commitment to my family and obviously to a fault. I get angry when things aren’t going as I think. I guess I just need some validation? Thoughts? I don’t know..comfort too maybe. I’m so scared and it’s making me freeze or behave erratically. I am in counseling but those free sessions run out soon. We are now wracking up medical bills with his stuff too. I’m so money conscious that’s giving me anxiety too.
Maybe you can give me some insight I haven’t thought of before. Thanks.

Hatemyhusband posted 2/11/2018 05:00 AM

I’m sorry but you don’t decide to try to be gay. He has an attraction towards men that he decided to act upon. Bottom line.

I’d be careful letting him take the lead with divorce. He’s likely to whammy you with papers and ball will be in his court. I agree with the teen concern BUT remember this- he did not act on what was best for kids/family twice now. His behavior still shows his own needs come before his kids

I stayed and gave my husband a second chance because we had kids. If not, he wouldn’t have gotten a second chance. Cheating was my deal breaker. If at any time I felt my husband was not trying, did not put every ounce of remorse into healing his issues, he’d be gone.

Remember your kids are loving seeing mom be a bitch to Dad with back issue. They’re seeing a bad marriage. Sticking it out and living own separate lives will probably mess with their emotions more. Do you want you sons to treat women like your husband does? Do you want your daughter ronthink this is howsrriage works?
It’s harsh but they will think this bad marriage is ok. When my kids ask why I stayed with their dad, I’m going to tell them bc I treated it as my H having drug addiction. I gave him one chance to change. To prove to the family we come first now. And so far he has-he got an ic whom he stayed with for two years. We went to Mc fit over a year. He was transparent. He put us all first.

Again, at the very least, see an attorney. Get the ball rolling. If he’s so unhappy he cheated then wants to try gay cheating I’d bet my life he will serve you papers soon.

OnlyGodcanhealIT posted 2/11/2018 05:34 AM

Thanks I need to hear these things. I have already requested for our legal assistance program to set me up with a consultation for a lawyer last week. They told me it would take a few days. I’m just ruffled because in the meantime, he’s acting like he’s going forward faster than me. Meanwhile he’s got this severe sciatica which puts him completely out of commission in helping me with the kids so not only do I have a fresh hurt and retraumatized from last week’s info, but now I’m forced to do almost double the daily work for our kids and also work my job, and run the house etc.

The1stWife posted 2/11/2018 06:02 AM

So you are basically being a single parent due to his back pain. You will now ono what your future will be like after D. Being a single parent is hard. But being in a household with a bad M and issues - that is worse for your kids.

Forget about waiting for years to D. No one should live in a toxic environment like that.

Kids need to learn boundaries and consequences. Staying in a loveless M only benefits and eases your guilt.

Make the D work as co parents. Set up a plan and try to have a better relationship even though D.

sassylee posted 2/11/2018 11:07 AM

I've met so many adults who grew up in households that stayed together "for the kids". They talk about the tension they had to live with and often carry guilt for being the reason their parents were stuck. My own husband and BIL often said they wished their parents had divorced.

My own son learned of his dad's affair (from his older siblings) and didn't tell me he knew for a year or so. He eventully told me when he was struggling with some mental health issues...he was mad at me for staying with his dad and felt awful that being the youngest - it was he that had me "trapped". I was incredulous. I told him "I make twice the money your dad does and I spend half as much. I was quite prepared to divorce your dad and would have done it easily - if your Dad hadn't stepped up, done the work and made me want to stay married."

This new info you learned of is incredibly painful and indicates there are major issues going on with him...things that complicate and hinder reconciliation. Couple that with his lack of remorse...and I think seeing a legal aid attorney is a wise decision.

You oniy get one life OGchIT - and one go around with your kid's childhood. They deserve a happy mom. They deserve a mom who is respected and valued. Show them that you value and respect yourself. Divorce is scary, I know...but I think you'll be much happier on the other side of this marriage.