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He married her, the kids don't know. Ugh

KerryWash posted 2/18/2018 20:44 PM

Another vent. Just when I think his judgement can't get worse, it does.

Friday I found out exWH married his mistress in secret, then told his parents, then told my 15 year old son, who was apparently visibly upset at the news. My son met her less than a month ago, then met her kids and went house hunting with them two weeks ago. Our divorce was finalized in December, they didn't even wait two months.

My 9 and and 10 year old met her yesterday at a soccer game! He brought the whore and sat with her. My youngest kids asked who she was, so we went over there and he introduced her as her name, not his girlfriend or wife. My 9 year old wouldn't look at her and my 10 year old shook her hand.

Today, they showed up at my DD's soccer game. Got a lot of dirty looks from the parents who were shocked they would show their faces, and my poor dad who was so pissed. DD didn't talk to them so they ran off as soon as the game was over.

Who the hell marries someone who hasn't met their children? Who brings their skank to where their children are going to be and acts like it's normal, and doesn't bother to say anything until the children ask about it?

My poor kids. Hey y'all, here is your new step mom, your new house and your new siblings, isn't it great?

It is so so so hard to be the bigger person sometimes.

Phoenix1 posted 2/18/2018 20:52 PM

I'm sorry your ex is such a douchesicle. Are your kids in IC? They could probably benefit from it with everything they are having to process.

AnnieM posted 2/18/2018 22:01 PM

I would have to believe this relationship of his will never last. I'm sure you've read all the same articles, stories, and statistics that I have on the internet. No way that a relationship based on lies and moving this quickly can last. He's going to wake up one day and wonder what the hell he did. I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. Affairs, separation, divorce... it all makes me so mad! I've had trouble maintaining friendships with people who get animals and then end up dropping them off at the pound when the newness and excitement wears off. You don't just get rid of family! I feel like it is so selfish and the wake of destruction is just so far-reaching.

BearlyBreathing posted 2/19/2018 01:27 AM

That is awful! What a jerk!! So glad your kids have you!
It must be brutally hard, but you sound like an amazing mom.

Lucyjr posted 2/19/2018 01:36 AM

Mine married his after only 9 months of leaving our home when our baby was a few months old still not told me or his kids we found out through social media thatís how I found out the man I have 3 kids with spent 15 years with

Iím the same as you this women has never even met our children and heís married her I pray they donít last I really do

LearningToRun posted 2/19/2018 13:00 PM

Do you talk to your ex?

If you do, i'd give him a set period of time to tell the kids ( like 2 weeks?) after that, i would tell them. He is bringing her around under false pretenses. that's crappy.

My ex pulled the "she's just a friend" BS on my 10 year old.(the 12 year old wasn't fooled) When she found out the truth she was so angry and felt lied to by both of us.
She wrote on a paper at school "my life is over, why must I suffer?" and i got a nice call from the teacher. Lordy, did i see red at my stupid, "just a friend my ass" ex. (and i made him come talk to her)

SO, give him a very limited chance to be age appropriate truthful. then all bets are off.

You need to be the sane parent they can also TRUST. Age appropriate and no badmouthing, but you are not his secret keeper.

KerryWash posted 2/19/2018 14:45 PM

Thank you everyone.

The kids are in counseling, they have been since last January when he left the first time. They also check in with the school counselor quite often and the counselor even directs a divorce group for 3rd graders that my 9 year old DD attends.

LearningtoRun - My ex refuses to speak to me, partly out of guilt and partly because his wifetress doesn't want him to. Last time I walked outside while he was picking up my oldest, he drove off, then sent me a text stating I was only allowed to text or email him and he would respond only if it was about the kids. He has little involvement in anything so I don't contact him usually. I can see now that skank has her title, she is going to push to be more involved in things.

Your poor DD. Mine says similar, her life is ruined and over because of the divorce

I guess honesty with their children is too much to ask for.

[This message edited by KerryWash at 2:46 PM, February 19th (Monday)]

ZenMumWalking posted 2/19/2018 14:52 PM


LearningToRun posted 2/20/2018 13:09 PM

OH, thanks KerryWash - but that was several years back and my kids are fine. Better than fine, actually. Oldest got a full ride to college and youngest is a senior.

After initial love bombing of the kids by ow/now wife that all changed once she got a ring on it. Now they just exist in a world of mutual dislike.

Happily, i totally like my R with my kids a billion times better without my ex in the middle (he gets to go control freak at his place, not mine)

What is worse, the sneaking off to marry of having them as bridesmaids as I got to witness. With all my ex in laws all smiling about what a great wedding. It all kind of bites.

I'm glad you kids are in counseling. You guys are going to be ok.

annanew posted 2/20/2018 14:02 PM

You should tell the kids if you haven't already. Don't let your ex make a liar out of you... There is absolutely no need to keep their secrets for them, and your kids need to have maximum trust in you since their father will not even tell them basic facts about their own family.

Muggle posted 3/9/2018 01:28 AM

We were together 23 years, with 3 kids, never married. My DD was Christmas and then my birthday Feb 2. He had been talking about counseling, and told me he still loved me.

When I confronted him about a photo I found of him in a bar with a different woman on my birthday he then declared he'd been dating her for a week. He flew to Vegas without a word to me and married her only knowing her for two weeks.

He bought her a flashy EXPENSIVE diamond ring, a trip to Vegas and I found out he married her on her birthday 8 days after mine. I found out when the registrar called my house to ask about "my" wedding.

He has not spoken to me but once since then. His stuff is still in the house. Our kids are 16-21 and he is pushing his new wife on the youngest. This woman has been married more than 4 time and has a child that doesn't live with her across the US. Our daughter asked, and he just kept telling her "it's complicated" when she asked if she'd been married more than 4 times. She doesn't want to spend time with her, but he won't remove her from the situation to allow them to try to cope with this new arrangement.

I've disarmed the Narcissist by only emailing him telling him his new wife is not my concern, except when it affects our children, and that I want no contact other than email until she reaches 18. I'm sure he intended to try to force me to come in contact with her, since this entire situation has been designed to cause as much pain as possible to me. He left me without a word, with no remorse, and moved immediately out of a 23 year relationship where he never married me to married in 12 days. He has done all the things he talked about doing with me for her. It was a direct response to being called out for his infidelity. He could have left like a man, with dignity and respect, but instead he slithered away like a coward.

In answer to who marries someone that hasn't met their kids, I would have to say a person that is selfish, and Narcissistic. Your children are an important part of life, and to subject them to a sudden change in family dynamic isn't fair to them. They need stable parents, that respect each other, and have a common goal of the best interests of their children. Kids need time to adjust and I wouldn't introduce a child to a "love interest" in any aspect until they've had time to meet them, and build a bond, over at least 6 months. I'd never introduce them until the relationship was headed to a more serious commitment.
I would suggest you try to speak to your children. They might not be able to grasp what has happened, or need time to process the situation. Let them know that you can't control what other people do, only how you choose to respond to it. I understand your pain. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this entire thing, while also having to provide emotional support to children that are struggling with coping.

The pain is real, but once it's gone, I will be stronger and more alive than I've been in years. She's done me a favor, she's freed me from years of verbal abuse. I will no longer have to look over my shoulder, or second guess where he is or what he's lying about now. He's ALL hers now, and although I can't see the bright side yet, it will get easier over time. I WILL be happy again, but for now I have to love myself, and be content to heal and grow.

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