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Finally over

Fablegirl posted 3/7/2018 14:13 PM

Finally the separation papers are signed today. Exactly one year after filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery. He moved out in late January. The settlement is basically everything I asked for but his sense of entitlement is utterly galling at times. Also, he still won't admit to an affair, even though he appears to be splitting his time between his parents' home and OW's slum dwelling.

And today when I talked about going to co-parenting counseling he said he wanted to go alone first because he has a "grievance" with our counselor (who used to be our marriage counselor) because our marriage didn't last. We originally went to counseling to deal with his horrible temper. Then we went back when he was seeing OW but refusing to admit it and he was defiant and uncooperative the whole time.

I would never consider taking him back but a part of me grieves the man I thought he was. I have trouble realizing that he was always this way but I didn't see it because we did love each other at some point. Now he just seems, I dunno, so dim witted and superficial. He jaunts around in his skinny jeans and fedora hats. He's a 50 year old man pretending to be young, cool and rich and he's none of these things but a guy who now lives in his parents' basement and gets alimony from his wife.

It's a tragic comedy in the writing.

Phoenix1 posted 3/7/2018 15:23 PM

Well, the good news is that he isn't your problem any longer (except the alimony part, which truly sucks and I'm sorry), and he can recreate his persona however he wants and it won't affect your new fabulous life!

At this point I wouldn't waste my time with co-parenting counseling. He clearly thinks he is all that and a bag of chips so he likely won't benefit from it and you will just waste time and money. Ultimately, it is up to him to be a good parent. It is not your job to make him one, or even attempt to do so. He's a big boy. He can figure it out if he wants to. Just keep being the sane, loving, supportive parent and let him show his true colors. Not your monkey, not your circus.

And grieving is a normal part of the process. Feel it and process it, but know it will pass, too. It is always sad to see a marriage end, but try to look forward and not backward.

Onward, with big hugs!

Catch44 posted 3/7/2018 16:31 PM

It's a tragic comedy in the writing.

It really is...

a part of me grieves the man I thought he was.

I've been having waves of this. But smaller than they used to be. (((Fablegirl)))

Barnabas17 posted 3/8/2018 13:31 PM

It's completely ok and normal to grieve. I remember when my ex left me and I found out who she was, I was hurt even more so when I discovered that I knew (her). I'd rather not have known. It's such a terrible thing to have happen to you. Grieving what was is supposed to happen when we love someone and committed to a lifetime together. I hope you take comfort in knowing that there is still a beautiful life ahead for you. Knowing and moving forward is better than not knowing and continually being deceived. I hope you allow time for your heart to mend but also embrace life with your child(ren) and make new memories. It would be great to co-parent in spite of the divorce, but if not, keep persevering and allow close friendships and family to be your strength. Counseling is also an option if the feelings linger and keep you from moving forward. It was challenging for me, but I survived and you will also. Prayers beloved!

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