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sounding my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world

Adlham posted 3/11/2018 03:59 AM

because, I too am not a bit tamed--I too am untranslatable.
V. 52, Songs of Myself by W.Whitman

Hey all, it's been a while. Been perusing for a bit, then thought I'd log in & lurk some more before actually saying Hi.

Happy to see familiar faces, sad to see all the new.

I had to take a break from the larger world for a while. Things got overwhelming and I found myself second guessing my second guessing on a repeat loop for just about everything in my life.

It all became too much. Throw some early menopausal hormone fluctuations on top and let the good times roll🙄

My poor, long suffering husband is always grateful when he wakes up in the morning to find I resisted the impulse to smother him for breathing!

2017 was just not my year. And the most annoying part is that some of the shit I've had to face and deal with is shit from 20 years & a different man ago, so why did it bother me in the first place?

If my ex were on fire, I'd cross the street to roast marshmallows over his burning corpse.

The chains on my mood swings snapped. Thank God for hormone replacement therapy!

Want2BHappyAgain posted 3/11/2018 16:04 PM

Hi there...GOOD to see you posting again !!! I can completely understand you walking away for a while can be a bit overwhelming here at times. Your sense of humor is still intact I see...YAY!!!

Adlham posted 3/11/2018 21:15 PM

Thanks, Want!

I feel much better, I think.

I came off of long term opioid use because surgery #3 was successful! But 7 years of numbing my brain took a huge, unexpected toll on my brain. I knew I was dependent, I mean how could I not be, right? I would even happily admit to taking more than prescribed from time to time, sometimes in hopes of a high (yeah, not so much in chronic pain) but more often because I just wanted to be pain free (also not so much).

But I worked with my NP to get off of them. I even did it sooner and faster than she had expected, so go me! Not a single moment of discomfort related to withdrawal! Having gone through that in the past, I was so happy to be so successful this time!

I did not expect my mental health or emotions to feel like someone had scraped them all raw with coarse sandpaper. For. Fucking. Months!

There's a lot in that 7 years of being numb that wanted dealt with Right Now. Between my brain and the outside crap (MeToo was way too much, couldn't cope), I just lost the plot for a while.

I was starting to fantasize way too much about what I'd really consider appropriate justice in cases of abuse, assault, etc. I won't go into detail, but I will admit that I really enjoy reading about serial killers and found inspiration

But that kind of deep, visceral anger just can't be sustained long. I hated how I felt, and hated the world right along as well. So I took a break from social media as well as most tv news and got help. I've always had mood problems, but never manic episodes like I started having. It scared me enough to ask for help because for the first time, I wasn't sure I could promise that it was all just harmless venting. I don't think I'd act out, but the desire to was so very strong, especially when manic and not sleeping.

So, therapy & hormone replacement seems to be going well! I no longer feel like staking people to the ground and skinning them alive 24/7. That's progress, right?

Side note, I vent, sometimes very graphic and imaginitively, because it keeps me from internalizing and having panic attacks. I don't/won't actually act on it. But I was starting to perseverate on self-harm.

Anyways, still trying to sort through the mental mess, but at least I don't feel so fragile.

And FFS, why does no one talk about the mental health effects drug dependence has on a person? I know it's talked about when discussing addiction, but as a chronic pain patient, I feel like I was caught by surprise, if that makes sense?

Notthevictem posted 3/12/2018 09:45 AM

I will admit that I really enjoy reading about serial killers and found inspiration

This is a mwahahahahaha moment, right? I'm good to evil laugh? Ok great!


Adlham posted 3/12/2018 11:55 AM

Oh my, yes! Absolutely the best time for evil laughter, NTV!

Cephastion posted 3/12/2018 12:35 PM

Is sounds like your "babaric yawp" is more of a barbeque-ic "POP" while the wood gets up to heat!

But I think I'd keep such popping noises on the ground instead of on a rooftop, though. Tar and shingles and hairy feathers do NOT smell or look all that great together on a 40-plus year old female chemistry kit that's been opened and tinkered with by juvenile selfish idiots who didn't understand the value and the delicacy/power they had in their grubby, cave-man stupidish hands.

thebighurt posted 3/12/2018 12:36 PM

OMG!! I can't believe I was thinking similar thoughts to NTV!!!!!!!

I watch those things on TV but am more apt to read self-help books like how to deal with and avoid such people!

If my ex were on fire, I'd cross the street to roast marshmallows over his burning corpse.
I have a S'Mores kit ready to go at a moment's notice.

Adlham, good to see you again and glad you are doing and feeling better. Better living through chemistry to overcome the effects of chemistry??

KnowOneSpecial posted 3/12/2018 12:40 PM

[This message edited by KnowOneSpecial at 7:09 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Adlham posted 3/12/2018 13:01 PM

Oh my gosh, you all are too funny!

Tell you what, we'd have one hell of a fun barbeque with his corpse! He's left a long trail of destruction in his path over the years. I'm pretty sure his family would be secretly jealous that it would look improper if they joined in. He's that much of an asshole!

I will be so glad when this whole menopause thing is over. I thought I was irrational before but these perimenopausal hormone fluctuations are taking things to a whole new level. Especially when I was already starting to slip because my brain was no longer numb!

And I feel kinda bad about sharing too much because I feel like I should be over being angry since I dumped Psycho Bob so many years ago. How encouraging and helpful to others is it when I'm still struggling in some ways so many years later, kwim? Plus daughter is 21 now, so I have not been legally obligated to provide him any contact info for the last 3 years. But my "friend" just had to drop the bomb in my lap a few years ago that she lied and slept with him. So I had to process that and I found it really unnecessary. Why stir shit up after 20 years?

We're no longer friends. But it was a setback that wasn't so easy to get through. She had been a friend since grade school so hitting indifference took a while.

Everything added together just made me a mess. I'm still a mess, just more put together now!

Who wants to bring hot dog buns?

steadychevy posted 3/12/2018 13:27 PM

I like mustard and chopped onions. I could bring the buns.

Notthevictem posted 3/12/2018 13:40 PM

I got the chili and the bacon.

Cephastion posted 3/12/2018 14:05 PM

I shared this on another post but I once had an actual Barney-que for a friend years ago.

His wife played Barney the Dinosaur tapes incessantly for their toddlers throughout the day and he HATED that whole thing, so I got a stuffed Barney at the dollar store and surrounded his fat, purple-and-green belly and torso with BlackCat firecrackers!

When he opened his birthday gift, it was like getting the candles AND the wish fulfilled all at the same TIME!!

He lit that critter up as we sang "I love you, you love ME, we're a happy fam-uh-leeee!" (IIRC) and it was a real birthday wish come true for most of us who were present (get it..."present"...bad pun I guess...).

Anyway, I don't actually mean to encourage any kind of effigy burning or barbecuing of actual PEOPLE like your ex or anything, but your post and my subsequent response reminded me of that story, soooo there you have it!

Cephastion posted 3/12/2018 14:12 PM

And if THAT isn't nutty ENOUGH for ya...

I JUST stumbled on this little news item while looking to post an image of the big Jurassic love-a-holic anti-saur for your viewing pleasure:

If that doesn't liven and crazy things up here for ya here on SI, then I really don't know what will!

(What do you think HIS "barbaric" or barbecue-ic yawp would be now that he's going tantric/mantra-ish on everyone??)

Perhaps I should post this on my 1000th post party thread...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 2:14 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Adlham posted 3/12/2018 14:17 PM

Now that is funny! Both your posts!

Um, if someone feels a need for Barney the Tantric Sex Therapist, please feel free not to share!

Not all knowledge is good

Cephastion posted 3/12/2018 14:39 PM

I wonder if this is his new theme song:

Elton John - Can You Feel The Love Tonight (Lyrics)

I mean...can you imagine what that's like? To get that kind of "help" from Barney???

I just kind of boggles the imagination a little bit there...

Here's what I envision HIS barbequeic-YAWP to be like, now that he's just being himself and teaching others how to be comfy in their own "skin" (bad reptile/costume wearing analogy there, but...(and it's even done by an actual reptile which is super-bonus, don't you think??)

Napoleon - Wild Dog

And yet ANOTHER irony here is that we actually watched THIS movie to death with our kids instead of Barney, which is how I knew what to look for here...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 2:42 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Notthevictem posted 3/13/2018 12:34 PM

Ya know.... that this....

OMG!! I can't believe I was thinking similar thoughts to NTV!!!!!

Is part of my plan to take over the world. Not literally, because my laziness quota is pretty high, but vicariously through other people.

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