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Coping alone

Dragonfly123 posted 3/30/2018 13:53 PM

Tonight is the first night in nearly four weeks since DDay that I have missed my WH. Had an incident tonight where my littlest one coughed a little after going under the water in the bath. I'm a huge worrier and although he seems absolutely fine, I've been getting anxious.

But it's made me feel desperately alone and sad that I have to deal with the children's sickness and subsequent worries by myself. I keep thinking about how he's there looking after her children, while I battle on by myself, with no one to help lessen the worry. How could he have withdrawn himself from his family like that?

I miss his calm presence and ability to allay my fears. And I miss having a second to help solve a problem...

How do you cope alone with such little children? How do i do this? I think I'm just frightened of this overwhelming sense of responsibility that used to be shared... any wise words?

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:05 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 3/30/2018 14:06 PM

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Know this:. You ARE capable. You are their MOTHER. Your instincts are strong. No one is better at caring for your children than you. (My WH still uses his large calloused hand to feel for a fever!! They're always "fine". Even when they're burning up.)

You do not need him. His "calming presence" was a farce. He was lying to you. It wasn't real. You are in a stronger position without him.

My douchebag WH begged to have our (then) 3yo daughter released from a 5 day hospital stay because he claimed they just wanted our insurance payout. (She had a severe infection and was on IV antibiotics for 5 days.). I shut him up.

Mama, you've GOT THIS. You are not alone. If ever in doubt,call your pediatrician. Most have on call nurses to talk you off the ledge.

Hugs to you. FTG!!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:07 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 3/30/2018 14:47 PM

Thank you thank you thank you Whothebleep!!

I think I lost my way tonight a little and you've pulled me right back to where I need to be! You're absolutely right. I'm their mummy and that alone means I'll be ok and find it in me. I think it all just over powered me today, I guess this is the roller coaster I hear so much about.

You're right when you say he was lying to me, I've actually told him several times recently when he wants to take the kids that he needs to appreciate I don't know him AT ALL, I'm handing my precious babies over to a complete stranger. The man I thought he was and the man he is and so removed from one another it's difficult to find where the truth lies, so it's just my memories I have and they're so blurry now.

What a complete idiot your ex husband was, what on earth was he thinking putting his 3 year old at such risk!!! Honestly never fails to amaze me what complete arseholes these WS are!!!

Thank you again, I was sobbing ten minutes ago but I now feel the strength building up again! X

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:48 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 3/30/2018 19:48 PM

what on earth was he thinking putting his 3 year old at such risk!!!

Because he's smarter than everyone else; Even experienced pediatricians at the best childrens' hospital within several hundred miles. I'm the one who took her to urgent care when Tylenol wouldn't bring her fever below 104. I'm the one who drove her to the ER and agreed to X-rays and CT scans (he would have refused, "the radiation!!" The CT scan revealed the infection). I'm the one who slept in that awful foam chair for 5 nights in her room. I'm the one who begged the nurses to check her temp again, (when they took it 20 min before and it was normal) because she curled up started moaning and felt like a furnace. Yup, 105.4F. Just like that. We just know. Moms just f***ing know.

My selfish entitled POS WH would rather make all the decisions, even when he is wrong. Imagine what marriage to him was like. He destroyed my entire sense of self. I couldn't buy a loaf of bread without agonizing over whether he would like the brand. ( But whoah buddy--do NOT mess with my kids'safety.)

Anyway, 6 months separated. I'm discovering my voice and my strength again. Little by little. The first time I food shopped, I was almost giddy with happiness at buying whatever I wanted with no chance of criticism. He did a number on me. No wonder I have no interest in dating anytime soon.

I'm so glad you are feeling better. Just grab onto that strength inside you. Don't let it go. You are more than capable. Hugs and strength to you. Keep posting. It is indeed a rollercoaster.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:50 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

freetogonow posted 3/31/2018 00:55 AM

Iím in a similar position to you. I overly relied on my wh to take care of things for me. Now that he isnít around, itís scary.

But others are right. You are powerful woman. You are stronger than you can possibly imagine. Your littles are relying on you to take care of business for them. Do you believe in God? Well He believes In you. He trusted you to give you your littles in the first place. You can do this.

ninon posted 3/31/2018 13:00 PM

I resonate with this too (((Dragonfly)))

My STBX took care of a lot of pragmatic things (and I took care of most of our income and domestic chores). Today I have to get the tires changed, figure out whatís wrong with the vacuum, and take care of rent and other bills while being sick with a sick child. Itís hard and overwhelming sometimes, but I know these experiences will forge me into a stronger person (the divorce, too). If I enter another partnership, never again will I be so dependent.

honesttoafault posted 3/31/2018 22:46 PM

I completely understand what you are going through. It can get lonely, frustrating, and sometimes scary. The only difference for me was that I was doing it all on my own and then taking care of him during my M, so him being gone was one less person to take care of and it was easier just taking care of the kids. :)

As time goes on, you will be more confident in your abilities to do things.

I could suggest joining a mother's group through your town/city, a meetup group, mommy and me, etc. You will find other mothers who have kids in the same age group as you and you can call them to discuss things.

It will get easier, I promise, but the journey there can go up and down. Hang on for the ride. Come here and vent. We understand.

tesla posted 4/1/2018 13:11 PM

Your post reminded me of a time, a couple of weeks after my D-day when I realized I was alone and ex wasn't coming back. I sat up the entire night in a recliner to keep my just-turned-three-years-old Teslet upright so he could sleep while sick.
I felt alone, abandoned, and devastated. I had no idea how I was going to do it all on my own.

That was over six years ago. I am still 'on my own.' Here are a few things I've learned about coping alone:

1. Trust your gut. You know your kiddos better than anyone. Accept that you will worry but let go of what you can't control while laying the foundation of unconditional love that your littles will grow and thrive in.

2. Get you a tribe. Family, friends, babysitters -- these are people that you can lean on during downturns, use as a sounding board when problems arise, and enlist so you can go grocery shopping in peace. I know, I know -- your ex was supposed to be all that rolled into one person. But your ex came with a side of cheating and an extra helping of gas-lighting bullshit. A tribe full of positive, authentic people will be a refreshing change.

3. Take on what you can, when you can. Yeah, that bathroom doesn't really need to be cleaned...the dishes can wait...cereal for dinner is awesome -- we call it Brinner. When you're doing it all - you have to prioritize.

4. You're not actually alone. You are raising integral members of your family-team that can take on some of the load. Teslet has to clean his bathroom and room, he shovels the driveway, he can make a couple of simple meals and clean up after himself, etc. It's okay as the kids get older to let them know that the household doesn't work unless they are pitching in -- not in a guilt-trip way but as a matter of fact.

You got this momma.

Reese1 posted 4/1/2018 14:14 PM

Hugs dragonfly. I have a three and 11 month old. Luckily? For me my stbx never helped with the kids-or anything else really- and when he did he would act like he was doing me the biggest favor so it really hasnít been that big of a transition for me.

Some days are just going to be hard. Thereís no way around it. Just remember the years will fly by.

thishurts123 posted 4/3/2018 15:47 PM

Being a parent is a challenge and being a single one is as well. My children are older; my youngest has special needs and will most likely live with me as long as I can care for her. This has been hard on her and I. She misses her Dad and he was good with her. I miss having him here to take over when I need a break. He's moved on to his new life and has very little interaction with the kids outside of phone calls and texts. I'm lonely for sure but not having to wonder about what he's doing and where has helped me daily. It gets better. Enjoy your little ones and try not to worry too much. They grow up so fast.

suckstobeme posted 4/3/2018 23:32 PM

Being a single parent sucks sometimes. It sucks out loud. My exwh left when my youngest was barely three. It was hectic and difficult and scary. All these years later, I don't even remember how I got myself ready in the morning, got them ready, fed them breakfast, and took them to two separate places (school and daycare) every single morning and picked them up every single evening in all kinds of weather. I must have done it, but I don't recall how. I was on autopilot I suppose.

I resent that he left us to go "rescue" the single mother slunt while turning me into a single mother. I'm the one who has to deal with homework and doctor/dentist/orthodontist appointments, parent-teacher conferences, summer camps, activities, and everything else in between. He rarely helps or even asks about these things. He just knows that they get done. I have taken them to the urgent care and emergency rooms when things go awry and he barely bats an eyelash. I remember my DD was five and I had to take her to the ER because the doctor wasn't sure if she had a bladder infection or appendicitis. The hospital was less than ten minutes from his office. When I texted to tell him we were there and she was getting an IV and having tests taken, he asked "is it serious enough that I should go there?" When my DS needed a surgical procedure and was scared to death, I was the one who took him to the hospital, comforted him, and went into the OR with him as they gave him the gas. My exwh walked in as the doctor was walking out to explain how it all went.

He gets to skate by on everything. He has no idea what it's like to do this alone.

But, just when I get pissed off enough, I then start to think about everything he's lost over the years and all the time and memories I've gained with them. We are like a little wolf pack and we stick together like glue. I get all the illnesses and troubles and discipline and all the hard parts, but I also get all of the great parts. I get christmas morning and birthdays and family movie nights and vacations with just us. They have to share him with the slunt and her kids and never feel like they get enough attention from their dad even when he's there. They often feel like outsiders in his house, but they call my house their sanctuary.

Coping alone is hard, but you will get through it. Although it doesn't feel like it now, you will blink and one day that little one who slipped under the water for a second during a bath will be showering all on his own, making his own breakfast, packing his own book bag, and tucking himself in at night. Things will still be tough, but in a different way. And all the while, no matter what comes your way, these kids will know that you are their mom and that you were there for them every single day. They will love their dad, but they will also realize that he left them for someone else and what that really means. A friend at work told me that his dad cheated and left his mom when he was in middle school. He would see his dad for visits, but that dropped off as he got older and became more social. He told me that he loves his dad but that if his dad called him for help, he would have to check his schedule first before he agreed to take time off. On the other hand, if his mother called, he would drop everything and run to help her from wherever he happened to be. The difference is because his mother never left.

You can do this. As Tesla said, build a support system, and don't try to be supermom every day. Just being mom is more than enough.

ninon posted 4/3/2018 23:40 PM

Sorry for the hijack--I'm struggling tonight. Ds is back with his dad and I am really sick and feverish alone for the first time. It just underscores how no one loves me (as a partner) anymore, that there's no one to take care of me. Not that STBX did in recent years. He used to though.

Dragonfly123 posted 4/4/2018 01:21 AM

Thanks all

TBH when I reflect without an 'emotional veil' on things (and the tiredness that comes from sleepless nights) he really wasn't that great. He didn't look after the house or even help to keep it tidy in the last few months. I have always been the main carer of the boys, main bread winner and in charge of the finances. He did kind of exist in the house sitting on the sofa and listening to endless podcasts and watching endless sport but in the last few months since EA/PA he certainly was absolutely useless, absent and downright confrontational with the children. I don't know why I was worrying as it was always me who insisted on doctors/hospital visits while he dismissed my worries. I know I can do this now, I think I just had a moment. I've had quite a few of those the past few days.

freetogonow, ninon, tesla, honesttoafault, reese1, thishurts123, suckstobeme - Thanks all for the great advice and kind words. I know this sounds silly but I already feel that what I'm going through is old news by some of my friends and family. They're not being unkind they've just moved on a little. It's almost like they think 'you wouldn't want him back, he's clearly an arsehole, you're doing so well, boys are so happy, time to move on now' but as we know it's just not as straightforward as that.

Suckstobeme - that's it, he's gone to 'rescue' his OW. She was left by her partner in the summer (I think) of last year and very quickly targetted my POS husband in the September, and she had fake tits and easy attitude so that was fun. She just couldn't be alone to do this. So he (being the fucking hero he is) stepped in. I become very angry at his cognitive dissonance that I need to understand he didn't 'abandon' his children, he left me to be with her and she came as a package. He can't grasp that so did we come as a package. Thanks for your words about being not being a supermom all the time, it's hard work and I don't always go to bed thinking I've done the best but it's the best I can do in the circumstances.

Ninon - I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. I hate being away from my babies, my STBX has them at his mother's once a week and I hate that night. I just sit and stare at the wall. Both the boys sleep with me at the moment as they're still so little and this is such an upheaval and it's hard not to have them close. I'm so new to all this myself (I'm only 4-5 weeks from DDay) but I know that the POS husbands they became aren't worth the heartbreak. What we all grieve is the husband/wife we had, but that person has long gone. This is a door opening and pathway clearing time for you, not the other way round. You've been dealing with a distant, probably emotionally cruel husband for the last couple of years, you now have a chance to repair, heal and find your self esteem again. And the best person to take care of yourself, is yourself right now. Sending hugs XX

ninon posted 4/4/2018 23:27 PM

Dear Dragonfly,

Thank you for your kind reply and your solidarity as a fellow single mom. I love what you say about a path opening and clearing. I hope you can feel this is true for you as well. Xoxo

[This message edited by ninon at 12:53 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 4/5/2018 01:27 AM

Ninon, it's just one of those things where your head knows the truth and has clear direction but your heart can't stop the pain and fear creeping in.

But I know we'll both be just great in the long run. Just keep focus on the prize at the end of the rope, the detachment from a lying, cheating spouse who is hardly a 'catch' and new pathways and adventures for you and your beautiful boy.

The best form of revenge is just allowing yourself to be happy and proving you don't need that POS in your life!

Hope you're feeling brighter today x X x

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