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Totally played

Dragonfly123 posted 4/2/2018 00:47 AM

So yesterday my WH finally texted me at quarter past eight in the evening to ask after the babes. Quarter past eight!!! No message for the whole of Easter Sunday. No message saying 'Happy Easter'.

So I lost it and gave him lots of 'kibbles', negative angry nibbles but kibbles nevertheless!

He made a point of telling me he'd spent the day away from OW and her children and ALONE but wasn't sure he could text as he didn't think I'd want it!

So then I ranted at what a total waste of space he is and the worst kind of father as he abandoned his children.

He has done some interesting cognitive dissonance, where she is a 'package' with her kids but he left me and not his children.

I'm still angry this morning. Im angry that he didn't bother with the children, I'm angry that he chose my quiet time to text me, I'm angry that he's telling me he spent the day on his own (I see that as trying to make me feel sorry for him), I'm angry that it always becomes about me and not the children. I have NEVER said he can't text or ask after them so why would I on Easter Sunday!

But most of all I'm angry because I have a kind heart and had got myself worried about him (I couldn't understand why he wouldn't text the children) and he knows that I would have been worried and I feel played... totally played! Although I'm sure he didn't get the response he wanted through text, in my head he did because I worried about him.

Why does it always feel like one step forward and two steps back?!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:49 AM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 4/2/2018 01:31 AM

It's my wedding anniversary tomorrow... we would have been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'd been so excited about hitting 10 years together. We had everything we'd dreamed of. Gone through the pain of IVF to have our babies. I thought that the family we'd fought so hard for meant as much to him as it did to me.

squid posted 4/2/2018 08:37 AM

But most of all I'm angry because I have a kind heart and had got myself worried about him (I couldn't understand why he wouldn't text the children) and he knows that I would have been worried and I feel played... totally played! Although I'm sure he didn't get the response he wanted through text, in my head he did because I worried about him.

It sucks when your head and your heart aren't on the same page. It's a real shit sandwich, I know. The sooner you can accept that this is who he really is, the sooner you can move on. Not easy at all. This I also know.

Hugs to you.

Cooley2here posted 4/2/2018 10:15 AM

I think if you go back and read what you just wrote you will ďseeĒwhat we see. He is not worth any more space in your head. By himself yesterday??!! Yeah, right.
Those are his children. If he could not be bothered calling, Skyping he is so up his own ass he canít see what he is. What he is is a sorry pos.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/2/2018 10:38 AM


NC = No new hurts.

Dragonfly123 posted 4/2/2018 14:01 PM

I feel like a total fraud here and that I'm doing really badly.

I know everything you're saying and I know you're all right. I know he's a POS and I know that he's not worth my energy and time. I know that he's a crap father and an even worse husband but I'm still hurting so much. Even knowing all of that, even knowing that I don't love him and that I don't miss him
I'm still hurting.

I try so hard with an adapted version of NC that still meets the needs of my babes but he can trigger me so easily. He's done it again tonight by asking for three days contact with two sleepovers. I can't bare my babies being away from me, I fought so hard for them I'm really protective of my time with them. He knows that and he triggered such an angry response from me. I ended up reminding him of all they (he and OW) could lose if I went nuclear and he backed down but...

I now just feel like I've let myself down again, twice in a row. And I'm left sobbing between my two sleeping precious babies feeling like I'm rubbish at all of this.

josiep posted 4/2/2018 14:55 PM

Ah, sweetie, you have every right to lash out at him. He's a terrible, terrible person and he hurt you very badly. You didn't deserve it and neither did your children.

Are you divorced? Is there a legal visitation schedule in place? I would advise you to stick to it and not discuss anything with him except at designated times or through the courts. He enjoys pulling your strings and will keep doing it until you make it stop.

Call your county child support or child welfare dept. and ask them if they have a way for you to coparent without having to talk to him or deal directly with him.

Take a deep breath. All things considered, you should be proud of yourself for even getting out of bed in the mornings, let alone doing everything you're managing to do. Give yourself some credit.

And cut his face out of an old photo and float it in the toilet and do a mess on it.

Reese1 posted 4/2/2018 16:50 PM

Iím sorry your going through this dragonfly. Have you two decided on any kind of visitation schedule yet? If not I would just follow the state standard and if he doesnít pick up his kids then so be it. You canít force him to be a decent person. Stop all contact with him expect for kid and divorce issues.

Dragonfly123 posted 4/4/2018 01:37 AM

You are all brilliant!

I've gone as NC as I can again. I got through our wedding anniversary yesterday by visiting the venue with my babes and letting go a little bit of that pain. I honestly can't regret ten years of being together and eight years of marriage when it was so happy and we have two beautiful children from it. He only changed October last year so I thankfully haven't had months and months, even for some of you years, of cruelty.

I've started a parenting plan which will make his access very clear to him and will be agreed on together. Then he can't blindside me with a request for more time with them that I am not prepared to give. He's desperate at the moment to look like a 'decent' father so my problem is him asking for more time with them than I can handle, not less. The children have made some things clear to me that I will put in, including that they do not want two nights consecutively away from me as they say they would miss me too much! It goes without saying (if you know my story) that OW will have absolutely no access to them at all.

I feel stronger today for getting through the anniversary and launching NC again.

This site has been such a wonderful place for me to vent and I'm so grateful to everyone who takes the time to write. XX

fareast posted 4/4/2018 07:49 AM

I have followed your journey and you are doing incredibly well dealing with a very recent betrayal. Anniversaries and holidays are so difficult and emotional. Your feelings are entirely normal and expected. It will get better. Continue forward with your parenting plan and NC. NC means no new hurts. Curt response only concerning parenting and finances. You have demonstrated incredible strength and your children are so fortunate to have you guide them through this shitstorm. Keep on keepin on.

Dragonfly123 posted 4/5/2018 01:33 AM

Fareast - STAR!! Thank you!! It's so lovely to read words of encouragement. I've always been pretty hard on myself so when I react to my WS negatively, I end up beating myself up for it. I just don't want to give him anything of me, even negativity, I feel like he had too much of me in the past five months when he deserved NOTHING. Onwards I plough with NC and a parenting plan! Thanks again! X

fareast posted 4/6/2018 10:11 AM

Your journey strikes a chord with me. My daughter went through two rounds of IVF before she could conceive and I have first hand knowledge of how emotionally draining, difficult and painful the process can be. I can not abide a father ever abandoning his family, but especially after going through the struggle with IVF with your spouse and finally achieving two wonderful children and then just leaving. It is unfathomable to me. Do not be too hard on yourself. You are on the normal emotional rollercoaster caused by infidelity and your feelings of negativity and vulnerability will come, but they will also pass. You are heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel. By the way, I now have two beautiful grandchildren who are the joys of our life. Keep on, keepin on.

josiep posted 4/6/2018 10:32 AM

I can't imagine the level of pain you're dealing with so I am in awe of your strength.

That got me to thinking about how it seems life tragedies often bring out the very best in the very best of people. There are so many examples of people achieving great things after surviving a terrible betrayal. I think maybe when the dust settles, our hearts grow in a way they couldn't before.

I wish I was young enough to believe that could be me but maybe my role is to observe life and share the wisdom that comes with age and use it all to encourage those of you who obviously have it in you to keep on keeping.

So, keep calm and S.I. on.

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