SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

SuperDaddy1027 posted 4/2/2018 12:28 PM

When people ask if you’re married? Do you elaborate on why you are divorced? I typically say No I’m divorced. If they ask sometimes I’ll say it wasn’t my preference but I did what I had to do. I don’t care what people think about me filing for D, but I do hate saying “She had an affair” I said that in the beginning to get as much support as possible. I told, anyone who would listen, the entire story! The problem now is, I’m no longer a victim of infidelity, divorce, her, etc. Nor do I want “sympathy” for my D. I hate it for my kids but the further away from XWW I get the more I see this was a blessing in disguise. I am thoroughly enjoying my life now and being a single Dad.

So just wondering for those that are D, what do y’all say? And how much detail do you go into as to the why?

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 12:32 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Reese1 posted 4/2/2018 12:31 PM

I’m still in the “tell everyone who will listen” phase. This is an interesting question and I’m curious as well to what other people say.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 4/2/2018 12:33 PM

Reese I think we were all there. I remember telling the clerk at the grocery store the whole story a week after Dday. A complete stranger. She was divorced too and kept telling me “It will get better”.

It kinda embarasses me now, but at that moment I just wanted someone to listen to me.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 12:34 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Snapdragon posted 4/2/2018 12:35 PM

I guess I would act shocked and sputter a bit and then say, "That's quite personal!"

Seriously, if they don't know you well enough to know your marital status then to be so presumptuous as to ask WHY you are not married is just mind blowing.

Or... you feel the need to fill in the silence with explanation after answering the question. Just answer "no" or "not any longer" and leave it at that and move on to ask them a question unrelated to marital status.

krsplat posted 4/2/2018 12:38 PM

At first, I also stuttered and stammered and wondered how much to say. Now I just answer, "We're divorcing." If they ask, I am happy to tell people that he cheated and I left, no details.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 4/2/2018 12:46 PM

Yea I think I try to fill the silence. And I recently saw some mutual friends of XWW and I.

They asked what happened. They knew from social media we weren’t together anymore. I’m not on social media so I’m assuming XWW said something on FB.

I said “It’s a long story, but she did the unthinkable....but I’m fine....and I’m really just focused on being the best Daddy I can be.” And then they asked about the kids and how they were doing and the subject changed rather quickly. Honestly, I don’t want to paint XWW as a monster....not to protect her but bc I just don’t talk ugly about people. I’m better than that. I understand her decision to cheat has consequences and some people will see her as a monster. But that’s not my problem. I didn’t tell her to sleep with another man while she was married.

But I do like “not any longer"” as an answer. I think I may use that.

Shivan posted 4/2/2018 12:57 PM

I'm trying to negotiate how to tell friends that are more far flung and don't know that anything is up yet.

I've definitely moved on from needing to tell all the gory details, but definitely let it be known that it is his action/intention to not be married anymore. I'm trying to figure this part out as well.

CharliB posted 4/2/2018 12:57 PM

It really depends on who's asking. My D is not final yet so I usually say that" we're not together anymore". I don't usually go into details and I find most people don't ask. The people who are close to me already know the basics. I ran into someone this weekend whom I hadn't seen in a long time and they were asking about my husband I just told them where I lived and where he lived and said "we're not together anymore". With the guy that I was dating, I answered his questions more specifically as I got to know him.

LilBlackCat posted 4/2/2018 12:59 PM

I’m still in the “tell everyone who will listen” phase.

I think that with the stigma that men have (many still think it's only men who cheat) I have scaled back the information I give and weigh if I need to say that she cheated and flew the coup for another man..

but regardless I keep it short and simple now.

Catwoman posted 4/2/2018 13:04 PM

I just tell them, "It's my fault, really . . . I didn't get along with his girlfriend."

Cat

FaithFool posted 4/2/2018 13:08 PM

Haven't used it yet, but I've always loved Dorothy Parker: "I put all my eggs in one bastard."

SuperDaddy1027 posted 4/2/2018 13:15 PM

I just tell them, "It's my fault, really . . . I didn't get along with his girlfriend."

A woman I dated said the same thing when I asked.

Phoenix1 posted 4/2/2018 13:53 PM

Honestly, few people ask. For those few and far between that do, I simply tell them I am divorced. No one really cares why these days because many people are divorced. I don't elaborate because I simply don't see the need. My family and friends all know the sordid story already and I don't feel the need to expand on the details with acquaintances. But I am also a very private person, and I don't share details of my life with very many people outside my very close circle anyway.

If anyone actually does ask why, I just say because he cheated multiple times with multiple people (usually accompanied by a shrug) and leave it at that. Then I change the subject.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:55 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

SuperDaddy1027 posted 4/2/2018 14:01 PM

Thank you Phoenix. I think what I realized was (after reading your post) that I always try to “defend” myself. And I try to make sure people know I didn’t want this life. But the fact is people are gonna believe what they want. Regardless of what I tell them or XWW tells them. Only 2 of XWW’s friends reached out to me after Dday. I haven't heard from them since. I am fine with it. They are her friends. She needs them more than I do.

I think from this point forward I’ll just say “Divorced” or “not anymore”. Bc even though I’m an open book, it really is no one’s business on WHY. And honestly, I’ve told the story a million times. I’m done telling it. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to bad mouth XWW mainly bc she truly is a stranger to me. I don’t even know her so who am I to bad mouth a complete stranger??? I just want to move on and learn from my experiences and mistakes I made from my marriage. And like Phoenix said....a lot of people are divorced nowdays. It’s the norm (sadly)

Thanks for the posts everyone!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 2:03 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 4/2/2018 14:10 PM

When people who expect we are together ask after her I tell them we are separated. People who I or we were close to I tell why. Others I tell if they ask or look quizzical. Some businesses I deal with that she would also be known I tell we're separated if she comes up in the conversation.

I don't have any problem with people knowing about it once we separated. People who know me would know I married for life. There has to be a substantial reason for us to not be together and it wasn't caused by me. Good way to sort the wheat from the chaff amongst relatives, friends and acquaintances. Those that are less close can see that adultery has consequences if they choose to see it.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 2:15 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

josiep posted 4/2/2018 14:49 PM

A little off topic but you'll all get a kick out of this.

I'm still in the stumbling phase of referring to him as my husband and then I say something banal like, "oops, I keep forgetting he's my ex now." So one day I said something about "when I was still married" and the person looked at me and I said "he's gone now" and they started to express sympathy and I felt really silly having to say that no, no, he's just gone to TX to live with his H.S. girlfriend of 50 years ago. They go from picturing him as a decrepit old man to a stud to a pathetic loser who has started combing his hair over.

I, of course, still think of him as a Rat Bastard. :)

SuperDaddy1027 posted 4/2/2018 15:50 PM

LOL. Thanks for sharing josiep!!!

rambler posted 4/2/2018 21:55 PM

Live our life. The truth comes out in the long run. Once you move on, you will not care.

ohforanewme posted 4/3/2018 05:24 AM

Hey SD

This is a fantastic thread!

So strong and uplifting. I have just posted to a thread of Taken's and sort of expressed something similar to what you have been saying here.

You and I again seam to be at a similar point in our journey. Such a great place to arrive at.

Did you ever believe that we would get to this place?

Hell, I am happier now than I have ever been. Certainly an even better dad to 2PP, and nothing makes me happier than being a good dad to them.

How can something this good come out of something as awful as your W cheating on you and all the destruction that that causes.

It has been a very reflective long weekend for me (Friday was Good Friday public holiday, yesterday, Family day, our first as a family in our new state). I thought of how Berlin is one of my favourite European cities, so new and fresh and vibrant, all of those, partly due to the fact that after the war there was practically nothing left of it. Then the cold war period, meaning that it has experienced rebirth from the early 90's, and has blossomed into the "much better" that it is today.

I see this in my life. Still a work in progress, but one filled with so much new and good.

Chrysalis123 posted 4/3/2018 06:03 AM

I just tell them, "It's my fault, really . . . I didn't get along with his girlfriend."

I rarely get asked any longer, but when I am asked I usually reply the above. It always catches people off guard and they usually take a minute to process what I said.