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Need Your Help

MeOh posted 4/5/2018 00:45 AM

I'm seething! Spousal unit just waltzed in from 8 days in Paris for work and announced that he plans to go away this weekend after I've had DD for the last two weekends. I wouldn't give a shit but I need some alone time to deal with being dumped by my boyfriend last week and I've had my daughter home on spring break all week. On top of that, he plans to be away the weekends of the 21st AND the 28th already.

I wrote this letter. I've never cursed him out before and I'm unsure if there's a legal reason I shouldn't. Please read this and make recommendations if I should send it or not.

Background - Separated nearly 2 years but still living under the same roof with no legal custody order for our DD 9. We have been doing every other weekend custody though. Caught him in 3+ year affair which is still ongoing after being on and off with same OP who is married and has young children herself. I try to keep 180 up and not speak to him at all if I can avoid it so I'd prefer to address this in writing.

Without further ado, here's the letter.

Spousal Unit,

I will take DD this weekend because I love her and you say that you made plans to be away this weekend on the assumption that it is my weekend with her even though I've had her the last two weekends in a row. However, you really need to consider your priorities. With your current schedule you will spend one weekend out of five consecutive weeks with her including Easter and your Birthday - two days that she would have loved to have spent with you. This is on top of working late and not letting her know when you won't be around for bedtime or calling her when you're away.

You are divorcing me, not her. According to your mistress you love her more than anything in life. You have a strange way of showing this. I never said this but Fuck You for what you did to our family. I'm an adult and I'm learning to deal with it. DD is 9 and she needs both her parents. Don't be more of an asshole than you already are and let her down when you don't have to.

If you've gotten this far, I will let you know that I already removed the part that said "PS - Don't forget your viagra, limp dick" (he doesn't know I know he is taking it - I just found out last week and he knows I tell everyone everything).

Seriously though - let me know what you think and what I should change or if I should send at all.

Thank you, dear fellow sufferers!


Cooley2here posted 4/5/2018 01:02 AM

You do realize you canít fix stupid? He is who he is. You be her rock. He will just continue to be his lovable five year old self.

ohforanewme posted 4/5/2018 01:44 AM

Hey MeOh

Can quite identify with all of your sentiments and your need for some alone time.

After some painful lessons in my own University of Life Experience, I now usually recommend NC as equaling No New Hurts, but this is about the children, and you do need to deal with this.

My cautions would be, take the F bit out. You dont want it as a permanent record that he might use against you at some time. I quite like the a-hole bit though. The other is to make sure that it is not written in a way that he could show it to DD and that it might suggest to her that she is either some sort of burden to you or that she is anything other than your most loved treasure right now.

Any chance that you can get a baby sitter rather than relying on him.

Also, are you documenting all this and keeping it as a record. Might come in handy if there are ever custody issues in the D.

Chrysalis123 posted 4/5/2018 06:07 AM

Don't send it. Do not give him ANYTHING to use against you.

I get how frustrating this is and devastating for your DD. You can't control him.

Follow your decree to the letter. If this is his weekend it is his job to hire a babysitter and you can say you already have plans. You could ask him for the money for a babysitter so she can stay in your home and you get a break.

Document, and one day you may have enough evidence to get a modification.

marchmadness posted 4/5/2018 06:10 AM

Just to clarify, it is my understanding that you have plans the weekend of April 7,21, and 28. Will you be available for visitation with DD the weekend of the 14th? Or did you also have plans for this weekend?

Thank you.

EvenKeel posted 4/5/2018 07:10 AM

Separated nearly 2 years but still living under the same roof with no legal custody order for our DD 9
So there is no order at all? It is just an agreement between you and him for the every other weekend though? Is that in writing and signed by both of you?

I would keep documentation of the schedules and how much he does his share.

Even if you have/had a legal agreement, he could/would still do this. My ex screwed the schedule over mega and my attorney said you can not make a parent exercise their visitation time. Ex was constantly just not taking them on his days...or randomly dropping them off early with no notice.

You stated you have been doing your agreement for 2 years - how has he typically been for his weekends?

I would not send this letter. He is going to do whatever he wants to do regardless.

shakentocore posted 4/5/2018 09:01 AM

Why haven't you filed for D?

File for D, ask for sole custody, CS, and document his vacations away. When he asks for 50/50 insist that he is never around to parent his child, so the custody arrangement should represent the reality. If you have already filed, get an order kicking him out of the house so he can't come and go as he pleases.

Whatever you do, don't send that letter. You will just be the b*tch stbxwife.

You really can't use the terms "custody" and "visitation" while your stbx is living in the same house and there are no formal orders. He isn't around, just like parents who are away from work aren't around in intact families. THAT is why you need a formal order!

MadOldBat posted 4/5/2018 09:39 AM

Don't put it in writing (((MeOh)))
especially anything that looks as though you and SU are arguing over who gets away from DD for the weekend.

If you've gotten this far, I will let you know that I already removed the part that said "PS - Don't forget your viagra, limp dick" (he doesn't know I know he is taking it - I just found out last week and he knows I tell everyone everything).

..... well 60,000+ people now know that Mr MeOh can only fuck his girlfriend with chemical enhancement - so there is that.

Seriously...... I think that suggesting from this point forward - that whoever can't make their agreed weekend home with DD because of "prior arrangements" pays a set/agreed fee for babysitting is a good proposition.

I know that you will documenting all this.

I'm not sure why you haven't divorced and separated yet - but I know there will be good reasons...... because I have good reasons too.

YOU look after YOU MeOh.
Sometimes that means not putting what you really think in writing, in his hands, to be preserved and consulted and resented - for ever and ever amen.

Take care.

Sending you hugs and strength.

MOB xx

ohforanewme posted 4/5/2018 10:11 AM

MOB, you are a hoot!!!!!!!!

.... well 60,000+ people now know that Mr MeOh can only fuck his girlfriend with chemical enhancement - so there is that.

I wish I knew you IRL. I would pop across to visit and spend late into the evening just laughing with you at you caustic by so humorous take on all things.

Brother lives in Kent, and next time I go to visit, I plan on visiting every pub on that little island of yours and screaming form the door, is MOB in tonight?

Be warned

Shattereddd posted 4/5/2018 10:53 AM

The letter you write won't be the letter he reads. Unless your goal is to provide more ego-kibbles and ammunition, there is no reason to give it to him.

On that, what is your end game? I'm sorry I'm not that familiar with your story. 2 years IHS...with a 9 year old? I can't imagine the mindfuck you and your daughter must experience, from even the smallest interactions.

MeOh posted 4/6/2018 17:37 PM

Ugh - he agreed he had her last night and then, 10 minutes before a mutual friend's daughter was supposed to come over to babysit insisted I take DD to their house because he wouldn't be home in time to take her to TaeKwanDo. Left DD in tears because she was looking forward to down time at home and doesn't do great with sudden change.

I don't know if he will be around this weekend or not so I reorganized my plans to include my daughter.

I live in the Bay Area where housing prices and rents are astronomical. He used to be a very involved father but I think he either has a new GF or OW is sleeping with him again. He never stopped putting his paycheck in our joint account after d-day and the mutual filing for divorce almost two years ago. February of 2017 I lost my job and I've been living off of him without working and trying to deal with depression and move on with my life. I have to get a job and move on instead of living in this limbo, I know but it allows me to be with my daughter so much more and stay in the house I love. In a way, as damaging as it is, it at least feels safe. I have been as 180 as possible all this time and I need to get back to that.

Letter not sent, thank you for the input.

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