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In denial

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Limbo79 posted 4/5/2018 18:56 PM

Well here it goes. Iím married 20 years been together 25 with 3 kids age 16 15 and 13. About 6 1/2 years ago my I saw a text on my wifeís phone. I had noticed she had been getting more and sort of hiding them. She had been taking our new dog for walks but been driving to a park to walk her rather then in the woods or fields next to our house. She had lost a necklace she said probably picking up our lab into the car.
Any way the text mentioned the necklace and she had replied maybe I shouldnít go walking in the woods with strange men.
I confronted her about it and she said it was nothing just some guy she met walking the dog and it was nothing.
We talked she sheíd afew tears and said she wouldnít meet with him again. I said ok and she sort of said it was my fault I was to controlling and jealous.
I think a month went by and I was home early and the car was there but the Dw was out and the dog. There was a car parked down the country lane from our house which was strange. I had a funny feeling. I went outside and started a few jobs out there (cutting up some firewood ) when I saw my wife come out of the woods near our house with the dog and then walk down the lane into a field and then up to the house. I thought strange but said hello when she came up to the house.
She went out to the garden and then I saw a guy walk out of the worlds were she had just come from.
It was one of the fathers from my sons swimming club. I was surprised a saw her phone which had put on the side and saw a message warning him to be careful when he came out of the woods that her husband was home!
I went to my wife asked what was going on. We talked and argued for a while. She denied there was anything they just walked and talked thatís it. It had only been twice. I was crazy and controlling.
I couldnít prove anything so life sort of went back to normal. A few months later I had to take a job working away as we were short of money. I was away months at a time at sea. We sort of along and at first it was ok. I hated being away but we needed the money.
I did that for 4 years but our relationship became more distant. She often didnít want sex when I came home until just before I went back to work.
In 2015 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Boom. My world was really shaken. I was given medical leave from work and I had treatment in London 3 hours from our house so I stayed in London 4 nights of the week. She never once came with me.
I didnít really want to but I went back to work after 8 months and hated it. Cancer had really made me think about my life and I no longer wanted to be away.
I noticed my wife didnít return a lot of texts and was often busy when I FaceTimed to talk to the family. It always seemed like a hassle for her. I noticed I always said love you at the en and she would respond. She had stopped wearing her wedding ring. I stopped saying I love you at the end of our phone calls and she didnít say it.
After a year I decided to resign from my job. She wasnít supportive. She didnít actually say anything but I could see she wasnít happy.
I was still having hormone injections for my cancer which were giving me some side effects.
When I got back or just before my DW said weíll dont expect sex anymore.
We hadnít had sex since the start of my treatment and I wasnít sure if I would be able to. She never hugged or touched me unless I hugged her and then stopped as soon as I let go.
We decided to set up a business in the food industry and I started renovating the premises.
I came back 1 day and found her vibrator on the bed just left there, a strange set of car keys, and a pair of tight camouflage trousers of hers on the bed. I picked up the trousers and there was a condom in the pocket. I was shocked. The hormone injections do make me more emotional. But I was floored.
When she got home I asked her about the vibrator just left on the bed she just went oops sorry.
I lost it a bit and said and the condom?
She got very defensive and said I was paranoid and she had found it in the house blah blah blah. I had been having a strange gut feeling something was wrong for a while and I had checked our condoms that we keep in a drawer by the bed. A lot were missing. I had counted them the day before as there were not as many.
I donít now why but i didnít say anything right away. I waited she was very tense and angry with me. The next morning I confronted her and said I knew that the condom had been in our drawer the day before.
Again angry and defensive and she said she couldnít tell me who it was for but a friend of hers was having an affair and it was for her. But she couldnít tell me who. We argued and talked. I said I didnít believe her. And she told me the name. It was a couple who were very close friends and also had three children.
I said how could she help the friend cheat on her husband who was also our friend. She then said it was not really for her to cheer but it was sort of a joke. I said sorry I donít get the joke.
Anyway we talked/argued for a few weeks. I donít believe her to many lies have been told.
I suggested MC which she agreed but said we were to busy with the new business at the moment. It would have to wait till Feb. Feb has been I booked the appointment but she didnít go. I talked with her again and said if we arenít going to MC then we need to spend time together alone on a date. She agreed reluctantly. It as hard to pin her down but eventually she went once with me for about 40 minutes. That was 3 weeks ago.
Because I found the condom I have been very suspicious. I gave a camera at our work which has a microphone. Several of her friends work part time for us (including the one who was having an affair)and I have listened to some of their conversations. She tells them home Iím paranoid and controlling jealous etc. But never what she has done. They talk about her leaving me but waiting until I get the results from cancer. Itís 3 years now.
She has moved into the spare bedroom and doesnít touch me at all. I canít live like this but donít want to break the family up if I donít have to. I would love to find away to bring us back together. But itís ripping me apart inside.
I donít understand if she doesnít love me why not just say it?
I think I will have to give her an ultimatum this weekend. She has to move back in and tell me what really went on.

Limbo79 posted 4/5/2018 19:00 PM

Sorry for the long post but itís a long complicated story

Marz posted 4/5/2018 19:11 PM

Nope it's just a typical lieing, cheating wife story. She's not gonna tell you anything.

Look man it's painfully obvious why can't you see it?

This has been going on for a long time.

Wool94 posted 4/5/2018 19:48 PM

Wow. Limbo79, my heart breaks for what you've been through.

I'm not sure what more proof you need, but it seems as if she's had or is having an affair.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

pureheartkit posted 4/5/2018 19:58 PM

I don't know why she still won't say what's going on. The tension isn't good for your health. Pushing it back on you, blaming you as controlling, that's a worry too. Too many things to explain away. She should just tell you already.

MrMagnolia posted 4/5/2018 21:05 PM

Limbo I am really sorry to hear your story. I am also sorry for what I'm about to say here but understand it's only because you're not going to get anything you need from her and we want to help if we can.

She's been cheating on you and I am sure it's far worse than you could possibly imagine. She won't say she doesn't love you because she doesn't want to see her self as a bad person. She is protecting her own self-image while she destroys you in her own mind and gradually detaches to make it easier on HER. I am just coming out of a long state of denial myself and it's really really fucking painful. I think the only course of action that makes sense for you is to tell her you to know she's been unfaithful and you are moving on with your life. Then you have to do it. You have to cut her out of it and go No contact as soon as possible. If there's any chance of her coming back to you it will only come after you accept that you are going to lose her and move on with your life as if you already have.

I'm sorry that she's turned into what she has but she's a selfish person who doesn't care enough about you to take care of you. You deserve better. This last sentence is partially my own anger and projection coming up but I mean seriously what was screaming through my mind when I read through your post?

FUCK HER

TheGuy123 posted 4/5/2018 21:05 PM

Not complicated at all.....your WW has lost that loving feeling and this marriage is toast.

I bet your children miss their happy father, so I suggest you get rid of the one person that continues to make you unhappy.

Your wife and business partner is taking you for a ride and if you won't get out of this relationship for your kids then get out of it for you.

I know you can be a hell of a lot better father to these teenagers with out your old lady then you can be with your old lady.

You can do better for your kids and your not.

Face it... these teenage kids of yours need a happy, positive ,and moral parent. You and your wife are neither. well maybe one of you have morals....

Granted you both are great providers...but where is the example they all need in what a healthy relationship looks like for their future relationships?

Shame on you for staying with their mother! Shame on you for showing them how others can walk all over someone and how to just except it. You tell them time and agin to stick up for them selves and yet you let your old lady use you as a doormat...WTF?

You can be a better father away from this TOXIC MARRIAGE then you can by staying in it! it's been going on for years. She has lost respect for you...it happens...but please don't stay for the kids.

Please stop getting abused and I hope you can find a path that will be an example to your children that bad behavior has consequences and no body has the right to walk all over them, and people should be respected...especially a husband and wife!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:17 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]

burninghouse posted 4/5/2018 22:28 PM

Limbo, I really feel for you. I found out about two weeks ago that the man I love dearly has been cheating for two years and, not only that, but this is not the only time he has cheated in our marriage. I never in a million years would have thought he'd be capable of such a terrible act of selfish immaturity if he had not himself uttered that horrible soul-crushing confession. Once he finally revealed the affairs (after me asking him so many times if there was someone else and being told that my lack of trust was making him feel guilty!) a huge veil was lifted. So much of his rejecting and frankly bizarre behavior made sense to me, finally.

It's possible that we do not see the gravity of the situation - even with the most obvious and glaring signs - because we cannot fathom what it really and truly means. Loss of our life and family as we've known it and wished it to be. It's BRUTAL.

I understand being in denial. I'm still struggling greatly with denial. It's part of this new alien reality slamming into the safe reality I thought the both of us were somehow living together. This new reality is one that is so foreign and so threatening that the mind does what it needs to do to protect us from the crushing truth. It says, "I can't believe this is really happening since that would mean something unfathomable will occur (which is nothing but our worst fear)." I give my mind a lot of credit for trying to spare me from complete annihilation, but it can also really cloud things. I know I'm pretty cloudy still.

IMHO, you need to protect yourself, and set some clear boundaries for YOU asap, about what you will and will not accept. This is a big part of protecting yourself. One thing I would highly suggest to help you with this is to read the articles in The Healing Library (yellow box, top left). Look especially at the 180 information (and many of the other articles there are very helpful). There is also one on boundaries. Read them now if you can.

Another thing is to keep posting in this forum and asking questions. There is a lot of support from those who have lived through what you are going through now. There is depth of understanding in here of how surreal and difficult this horror show is. There is a lot of clarity and good advice to be found in here, and I will tell you what others have told me: keep what works for you and don't worry about the rest. Some people are very "tough love" about things, which can be hard on a person, but there's also truth in a lot of it. You get to choose who you listen to and how you will respond to your own situation. This is a very good place to be. I'm glad you found this forum.

You have already been through a major health crisis, and now this. Please do take care of yourself and don't neglect your emotional and mental health. Stress affects the body, and if you don't already have one, a good therapist can really help you process and gain perspective in what you're going through. If possible, surround yourself with people who can support you in some way. Be good to you, as much as possible.

I wish you clarity, strength and courage.

notanotherchance posted 4/5/2018 23:28 PM

Dude..

You W has been having an emotional & physical affair for at least 6-1/2 years. Whenever you confronted her she would tell you your crazy and make you doubt your facts. She has manipulated you into being the bad guy and you have accepted it. You confront then back down when she turns it on you.

From your read your WW has no respect for you. You are a paycheck period. You have provided her with a comfortable life.

Texting a guy after she walks out of the bush & he's right behind her to look out her husband is home. At least an EA

Telling you no sex. Leaving you to fend for yourself during cancer treatment. Finding a condom in her pocket. Etc, Etc

Do yourself a favor an File for D. Why do you want to stay married to a WW who is as horrible as she is?

MrMagnolia posted 4/5/2018 23:39 PM

There's nothing wrong with you that could have caused this. It's all about her and it's nothing you should blame yourself for.

Keep posting. It helps to work through this with people who have been through hell on earth before.

Limbo79 posted 4/6/2018 02:04 AM

Thanks all for taking the time to read this. I already knew in my heart what all of you have said. The woman Iím with now is not the woman I married. I know we all change a little over time. I hate to say it but cancer has really opened my eyes.
I would really like to hear the truth from her but thatís not likely to happen. Iím sure thatís why she didnít want to go to MC with me. Iím tired of feeling like I need to look for the truth in everything she says to me. She has lied to me so many times that it seems normal to her. Not even about affairs shut little shit I wouldnít care about.
It angers me that she lies to her friends and makes me look like a horrible person and sheís the saint. But I have recorded these conversations. I donít think I can use them.
I just need to find a pair and sit down and talk to my DW. The trouble is finding time when we are alone. Iím sure this is why she avoids being alone with me. I feel pathetic trying to keep the marriage going and used. Itís become a way of life but Iíve had enough.
Thanks again all for your support

DIFM posted 4/6/2018 04:39 AM

I just need to find a pair and sit down and talk to my DW.

And talk about what. She isn't talking and you would be wasting time. There are a few here that found the only way to either get the cheater out of the so called "fog" or to just move out of the toxic infidelity environment is to go nuclear: file for divorce. Take control. Make your own plans. Accept she is a lying cheater and no amount of sitting and talking will bring you or your marriage any positive movement.

She has and will continue to wreak havoc on you and you can make believe that talking or waiting will somehow help, or take shocking decisive action.

Don't threaten, don't give forewarning. Just take action that she never thought you had it in you to do. Pull the rug out from under her lying game. Or wait some more so she can continue to control the madness in your life.

2018MLMM posted 4/6/2018 05:24 AM

Why talk to her?

Just file and let her being served do all the talking for you.
Thatís what I did and found it to be a fantastic icebreaker

Iím so sorry for you and that you are here. But everyone here has been in your shoes. And if I could offer a suggestion, listen to the wisdom of this group, they are usually correct, even when you feel like there is no way they can be

Be strong, do what you know you must, and good luck

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 5:27 AM, April 6th (Friday)]

badmemory posted 4/6/2018 08:30 AM

Limbo,

There's no doubt she's been cheating on you for years; but you just decided to bury your head in the sand. There are probably many more times you don't know about.

Add to that her uncaring, unloving, sexless attitude; I don't know what you're waiting for. No need to confront her again. Quietly meet with an attorney and formulate your exit strategy. Your children shouldn't be exposed to this sham of a marriage any longer. It may very well effect their future relationships.

[This message edited by badmemory at 11:19 AM, April 6th (Friday)]

skins21 posted 4/6/2018 08:38 AM

Go see a lawyer, learn your rights, formulate an exit strategy and have her served. That will get her head out of her ass real quick.

WilliamM posted 4/6/2018 09:02 AM

I agree with 2018MLMM. Have her served. She will run to talk to you then.

Jduff posted 4/6/2018 09:43 AM

Limbo79,

One of the top 10 behaviors of a cheater is hiding the phone and telling their betrayed spouse that they are "jealous and controlling". She has been running a spin job on all her friends about you being a "jealous and controlling" husband. She is likely telling them you are abusive to her. One of the most effective ways to dispel all of that is to serve her a divorce petition. Think about it, if you are so jealous and controlling as she claims then why would you do the most non-possessive action that releases her to be free of your hands? That's going to not only throw her friends, maybe even family for a loop but certainly her as well. Your DW (or WW as we call them here) is DEEP in her cheating mindset. You will remain in limbo if you continue to seek answers and proof. Your description of her behavior is EXACT with many cheaters that are described here. She walks like a duck, talks like a duck...it's a direct profile match of a wayward.

Now, regardless of the cheating the way she has treated you during your cancer treatment and recovery is horrible. That alone would be enough for most people. A lot of that treatment does have to do with her cheating.

I think your situation calls for taking the steering wheel of the marriage away from her immediately and driving it forward according to your terms. Often times, filing and having a divorce petition served immediately paints the wayward right into a corner, where there is no wriggle room to manipulate and lie their way out of it. Divorce never happens over night and while that process is underway she has an opportunity to see the error of her ways and perhaps make an effort at R and convince you to put the divorce on pause. It will be YOU that decides to R or D. Folks who are experienced in R can fill you in on those details. But for now, you are on a fast sinking ship and there is only one life life preserver remaining. Don't let your wife get to it before you do, or you will bargain away your soul in opes of just getting to hang on her by a thread. That's no way for any man to live out his life.

2018MLMM took control of his situation immediately. He now calls the shots in his situation. He served her D papers from the very beginning.

Tron posted 4/6/2018 11:11 AM

More red flags than a Chinese Boxing Day parade. It would simply take too long to list them all out.

She has been cheating on you...for years. You are well and firmly in denial.

She cheated with the swimming dad. She cheated while you were at sea supporting her and she cheated while you were being treated for cancer.

File for D and find someone who actually cares about you.

[This message edited by Tron at 11:12 AM, April 6th (Friday)]

Limbo79 posted 4/6/2018 19:29 PM

Glad Iíve posted here. Donít pull your punches. Iíve joined the gym going to get back in shape. Going to do it for me and my kids.
Iíve realised itís gone to far. I had a preliminary talk with a lawyer a couple of months ago. Going to call them again. Iím not going to let her know.
I had wanted to give her an ultimatum and say itís divorce or she needs to come out with the truth and make some big changes. All upfront only the truth.
But it doesnít sound like I should give her any warning.

Marz posted 4/6/2018 20:16 PM

Know this.

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. It's their mantra. She's not going to tell you one damn thing.

You know why?

You've taught her she doesn't have to because all you're gonna do is talk about it.

No action from you at all. Now you're going to talk some more? About what? For what?

The only one keeping you in this shitty mess is you. Until you fix yourself guess what? Nothing is going to change.

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