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In denial

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DarkHoleHeart posted 4/26/2018 12:55 PM

How your WW reacted to house valuation? (if she was there)

Limbo79 posted 4/26/2018 14:41 PM

Her mother told and she was angry and shaken. I didnít mention the lawyer. She didnít admit to anything and accused me of having female friends/colleagues.
I said Iím happy to have a polygraph test and prove I havenít had an affair... she said no that wasnít necessary. Obviously she didnít line the implication of her taking one. But she agreed to go to counselling.
I said Iím going to the gym.

Smillie posted 4/26/2018 14:43 PM

Good for you Limbo. The gym will do wonders for your overall mood.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/26/2018 15:05 PM

It's good that you got the ball rolling and to get out of limbo Mr. Limbo.
It may get her attention and let her know you are serious, if things improve you can stop the D at any time.

It's not a happy moment but it is (or was for me) progress. And progress is better than limbo.

Hang in there.

Stevesn posted 4/26/2018 15:18 PM

I think your original plan was to tell her about the D tonight and what you needed to see in the next few months to consider putting it on hold and trying real R.

Has that plan changed?

Limbo79 posted 4/26/2018 15:38 PM

The lawyer said to hold off on mentioning the D. She (the lawyer) said that they would write an official letter saying that if my WW didnít go to counselling with me the only option was D. This would show the court if it went to court that had tried everything to R.
But my WW was very upset and angry and has agreed already to go. WW tried to say that I had said that there was no point in counselling if She didnít know what she wanted. Twisted words I had said after the second attempt refusal to go that there was no point knowing that she would jump at the chance not to.
I know I have to keep the pressure on now. As I think she was shaken. Unfortunately it feels like at the thought of losing the Farm and house not me.!
I think I did ok I didnít get angry or animated or raise my voice. I didnít rise to any of her baiting.
I think I need to push the polygraph test. Keep saying that I will organise 1 for myself. I need to see if she will agree to one.
Busy day
Thanks guys for the support

Tron posted 4/26/2018 16:49 PM

I believe that a polygraph is going to need to happen prior to or shortly after starting counseling. You need to make it a requirement!

You need to know where you stand. You know she lies. You know she stonewalls. You know she blameshifts. In MC she will just lie to the counselor like she has to you and throw you under the bus.

Under those conditions counseling is going to be a monumental failure. You will simply be wasting time and money.

Marz posted 4/26/2018 17:10 PM

Cheaters lie in counseling too.

Stevesn posted 4/26/2018 17:28 PM

I think I gave you a list of actions earlier in the thread. Make sure you ask for what you really need.

Before the poly recommend she be required to write a timeline of all her affairs and details within so you have something to polytest against.

Also she should probably answer about if she even cares to be a loving and invested wife again. Tell her you know her and she wonít be able to fake it. And why would she want to?

Sheíll have to become a fWS that is accountable for her moves and actions. Itís not worth faking affection for a farm is it?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:06 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 4/26/2018 20:40 PM

The polygraph is essential here to establish a baseline before counseling should even be considered.

I would have your lawyer add the above list of requirements (timeline, etc) to the letter concerning prerequisites to counseling.

And a second poly later as a follow up.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:43 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

MrMagnolia posted 4/26/2018 21:02 PM

You have done excellent not rising to her challenge. In general, I think you are doing great though it may not feel that way to you all the time. You have a plan of action and you are making clearheaded decisions and showing your intentions through your actions.

Keep walking the 180 and listen to your attorney. Their advice doesn't come cheap so I would savor it. If you are ever in doubt about something she is saying you can always take her ideas right them out and then bounce them off of a bunch of other lawyers (and wannabe lawyers) on Reddit as a throwaway (i've done this a shitton).

Limbo79 posted 4/26/2018 23:21 PM

Iíve been reading about the polygraph. Itís seems they are only 70-90% accurate. Anyone have any thoughts or info on this?

Smillie posted 4/26/2018 23:46 PM

By all means find the most credible polygraph tester you can. It is important that your wife does all the peddling here. You have enough on your plate with your kids, work, divorce planning and the gym.

Normally the person taking the polygraph spills the beans before the test. I guess they donít want the humiliation of failing. You can tell her that you insist that she pass. The point of the polygraph is to re-establish honesty and trust.

MrMagnolia posted 4/26/2018 23:52 PM

The accuracy of polygraphs is a subject that is definitely up for debate. I think the point of it is mostly to continue to apply pressure. Personally, I would never submit to taking one if I was suspected of a crime no matter how innocent I was. To "prove" I didn't commit adultery? Probably okay with taking one.

It might actually be worth posting a new topic in the general and getting some insights from those on this site that work in or close to LE

Wool94 posted 4/27/2018 07:06 AM

Don't post a new topic. Stay on this one so everyone can keep up with your story.

The accuracy of a polygraph may be 70 to 90%.

The accuracy of a cheater = 0.00%.

Most of the time, the best thing about a polygraph is the parking lot confession that comes while awaiting the poly.

She will give you some bit of truth, hoping you didn't follow through with the poly.

DarkHoleHeart posted 4/27/2018 09:34 AM

The lawyer said to hold off on mentioning the D. She (the lawyer) said that they would write an official letter saying that if my WW didnít go to counselling with me the only option was D. This would show the court if it went to court that had tried everything to R.
I don't understand this one. Your WW agreed to counseling so D papers are postponed? So you go to counseling with her, she feeds a load of bullshit to MC, MC starts fixing your "relationship problems" (and BTW, cheating is not one of relationship problems), you will feel shittier and shittier every day, your WW will feel more and more sure of herself (because she is fixing M, isn't she?). It is very rare occurrence to happen upon MC who will call your WW out on her bullshit.

What did your lawyer advice in case she agrees to counseling?

It looks like your assessment is correct - she was shaken at the thought of losing the Farm and house, not you. But for now that's ok. She needs cold and harsh dose of reality.

MrMagnolia posted 4/27/2018 11:02 AM


My guess would be that where Limbo lives getting a D wrapped up in a reasonable amount of time means having to prove that you have actually tried to save the M. In some places there can be a huge gap in time if you don't attempt to adequately prove that you attempted R (legally speaking). It doesn't mean you have to do anything but show up and not shit the bed at MC in most cases so you can just sit there and nod silently and pretend you're actually trying if that's what you want to do.

Where I live for instance if one party wants to contest the D it can drag on forever (and it take an entire year separation no matter what) so one of the ways to combat that is to be proactive in signing up for Co-Parenting classes with one of the Mediators the court approves of and offering in written form to go to counseling etc. I think it's beyond ridiculous that it takes as long as it does but it is what is.

Ripped62 posted 4/27/2018 12:21 PM

My WW reacted poorly to the house valuation. Reality is setting in and she realizes she can no longer afford the standard of living she is accustomed to and living accommodations she desires to reside in.

Limbo79 posted 4/27/2018 19:22 PM

Good points. Truth is lawyer didnít mention what to do if w agreed. I in many ways would like to go to counselling but on my terms. I need her to admit the affair. And then we can talk about counselling.
Also true I think the shock of losing the house more than losing me upset her. Which is why I need to keep the pressure on. Maybe it was the shock that I was serious as well and hopefully losing me.

Kamstel posted 4/27/2018 19:36 PM

Keep the pressure up
Make sure she is off balance from now on

Good luck

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