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In denial

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Limbo79 posted 5/3/2018 16:38 PM

I believe a D can be stopped at any time. It is a slow process here. Anything involving lawyers is never a fast. No offence to any lawyers here of course.
Iím not in a rush just keeping the pressure on. Itís helped a lot reading other peopleís post. What to do and what not to do. Iíve realised Iíll be fine on my own. After all Iíve actually been on my own for years in my marriage.
I do feel some of the smoke has cleared and I can see more clearly. Which makes the stories my WW is spreading pointless.
Sometimes need a few deep breaths but going to the gym has helped greatly. Getting back in shape for me.
Started some meditation. Just one of these apps but great for taking your mind off things for a while and refocusing.

Kamstel posted 5/4/2018 12:10 PM

You are doing great job now! Keep up the pressure!

Remember, you are doing what is good for YOU!

Dismayed2012 posted 5/4/2018 12:44 PM

"I believe a D can be stopped at any time."

Yes, it can. It's a great tool to force the wayward to make a decision. And it's a great tool for getting your freedom back if R doesn't work out.

"Iíve realised Iíll be fine on my own."

Excellent. You have been and will be fine.

"...going to the gym has helped greatly."

It helped me too. It got me back in shape also and helped me through the painful periods.

Take care of yourself.

MrMagnolia posted 5/7/2018 14:07 PM

Hey Limbo,

How are things going across the big pond? Any word from the attorney? Valuation on the house come back?

Hope you are doing well,

Yana posted 5/7/2018 14:53 PM

HI Limbo...I just read through most of this post....I hope your doing ok. Take it from a woman who kept myself in denial for so effing long...there is no talking through it anymore. As you've found out I'm glad you found this group...when I was going through post DDay about 5-6 years ago I was too triggered to even read this site as I now regret that I didn't. I kept trying to believe and the fact is that everything everyone says here is correct. I'm in R with my husband but if I had to do it over again I would have served him divorce papers as the first thing on the list. The talking ending up hurting me tremendously. What a joke. I'm certain you are doing the right thing as hard as it is to let go that of which you don't want to let go. But you will be sooooo happy to not live in the fucked up setting anymore...pardon my french. Hugs...

Kamstel posted 5/7/2018 18:15 PM

Anyone heard from Limbo lately?

Limbo, we all hope you are ok, and if you need us, you know where to find us

Limbo79 posted 5/8/2018 12:59 PM

Thanks for the concern everyone,
Had a bit of a setback I guess, very busy with work. Long days working 6 days a week.
After getting our farm valued my WW started changing and it through me off. She agreed to mc, started acting nicer, moved back bedroom again (for the 3rd time), made some changes in the house that I had suggested years ago.
What with work being so busy itís thrown me off a bit. I can see sheís doing it to placate me as nothing has really changed. When we talked just after the valuation I said that I loved her and I wasnít looking to end our marriage but that I had no choice but to assume it was over. She never replied with I love you or anything personal, just that she would go to mc.
Really she has shown by her actions that nothing has changed however she couldnít even say that she had feelings for me.
Iím getting back on track but havenít had much time to post.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/8/2018 13:33 PM

I'm sorry for you that she hasn't changed Limbo. It's good that she won't say ILY. It allows you to know definitively that she truly has checked out emotionally. Now you can continue the process of taking your life back. Don't forget that you are the prize, not her. She knowingly chose to break her vow to you. She has ended the marriage and she is solely responsible for the consequences. Keep on track with moving on with your life with or without her. It's all about you now and if she doesn't fit into that picture then it's her own fault. Take care of yourself.

MrMagnolia posted 5/8/2018 14:44 PM

Setbacks can happen. No shame in it. Especially in a situation like yours where you are forced to interact with your WW all the time.

I'm sorry because I know how much that seesaw must hurt you.

Do you now plan to go back to your attorney to change what you are asking her for?

It's okay if it takes you awhile to post. Just remember we are here when you need us.

Kamstel posted 5/8/2018 22:37 PM

Her actions, cosmetic and not at all real, was to be completely expected. The only thing that Iím surprised at is that she hasnít tried to initiate sex with you!

Right now she is trying to save her lifestyle! She doesnít want to literally lose the farm.

So in an attempt to save her home, her business, her comfortable life, she will put on a show and make some minor cosmetic changes to try and get you to return to your former way of being her lap dog!

Time to refocus on what YOU want and need. What did she say about the woods, condom, telling her friends she wants you gone, etc during MC?

Tell her you are setting up a polygraph for her. If she refuses, immediately talk to the lawyer again and get the D train moving! No! Correct that!! Forget the polygraph, just call the lawyer and get that train moving NOW! Youíve put up with this crap for far too long!!!

PS: glad to see you back!

[This message edited by Kamstel at 10:39 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

TimelessLoss posted 5/9/2018 09:07 AM


That is just superficial window dressing on her part. Think about how little effort that took on her part. It is meaningless.

You have started to make this real to her. Real life consequences.

Her little actions are shallow, selfish and predictable.

Stay your course. Shields up.

Limbo79 posted 5/9/2018 13:16 PM

I know, but just so tired from work. Had a bit of self doubt and fed up with the situation. Canít believe that she thinks this tiny effort is enough. Not even the slightest admission of any guilt. Or anything. Sole destroying.
Tired but going to go to the gym and not think about it. Hard 180 got to keep myself pushing forward.
Thanks again for the support. Not always easy to take it all.
I realise now Iím only here for my kids now. Hopefully Iíll atill have there Love after this is all finished.

Kamstel posted 5/9/2018 13:51 PM

Keep moving forward, one step at a time! Keep your eye on the prize! You need to get out of there and you know it!

Pragmatic posted 5/22/2018 08:20 AM

Hi Limbo,
been following your storey but not commented yet, but thought I bump so you could let us know how is it going, a lot can happy in 2 weeks.
Keep strong.

Limbo79 posted 5/26/2018 02:05 AM

Hello everyone
Well done 2 sessions of mc and guess what? Nothing new yet really, I had to push to get us here so going to keep going for a while, I chose a female mc as I thought it would help my ww open up. But not so far and counsellor seems to be on wwís side. Still early days, still got the D on the back burner.
Ww didnt want to go and was angry at being forced to go, but has lightened up slightly now.íit isnít easy as we are busy with work and 3 kids. But I said itís that or D.
There are a couple of issues really, our M was struggling with me working away, then my cancer a lot to deal with but that is our problem.
2nd issue is the possible PA but definite EA and all that has gone on that I have posted about. That is her problem and needs to be explained and worked out.
Iím all ears at MC but I wonít take any more shit. Our second session was split and we talked privately with the counsellor. I have my doubts now that she will help much for me. She was slightly dismissive of my accusations.
Iíll keep you all posted but I wonít take anymore shit.

MrMagnolia posted 5/26/2018 02:48 AM

Thanks for the update.

Just going to remind everyone that hasn't read all the way through his posts or hasn't in awhile and wants to jump on here and scream NO MC! DON"T DO MC! the way we normally do (me too).

Well, recall or understand that going to MC is necessary for him to speed up the D process for where he lives so his situation is a bit different in that regard.

Stay Strong,

OrdinaryDude posted 5/26/2018 08:06 AM

Donít do MC, especially with someone that is not qualified to deal with infidelity...itís just going to be a slow motion train wreck.

Take the time to find a fully qualified IC for each of you first, and only if she really wants to.

Look at it this way, you cannot effectively heal the M if the two of you are not well on the road to healing as individuals first...and if your WW is resistant to the process, that should tell you all you need to know about the chances of a successful R.

fareast posted 5/26/2018 08:34 AM


I know you have to endure MC as part of the process to move ahead with D and all I can say is hang in there and donít take any crap.

You are getting an up close lesson why MC is useless when the problem you are trying to deal with is infidelity. The focus of the MC is resolving marital problems not your WWís cheating. By the way if your WW and you agreed that you needed to work away to support the family, that is not a marital problem. You were doing it for your WW and family, not just for fun. Just my two cents. When the MC is done you will still not have your infidelity issues addressed.

Smillie posted 5/26/2018 09:15 AM

Find another MC straight away. Dont waste your time with that one.

MrMagnolia posted 5/26/2018 12:52 PM


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