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In denial

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Limbo79 posted 5/27/2018 03:07 AM

Iím waiting to see where this m counselor is going. Only 2 sessions so far and the last was split into 2 private sessions. Iím being very pleasant and nice but not taking any shit.
We work together and work very hard working 6 days a week. Ww said she was taking an extra day off work to go visit family and friends I said fine.
Waited a couple of days and then said Iím taking an extra day off to do something with our kids. Sheís not happy with that. But I figure itís got to be equal.

Limbo79 posted 5/27/2018 03:23 AM

The mc came recommended by my lawyer. She appears to be highly qualified, years of experience and all that. I chose a female counsellor as I didnít think ww would go to male counsellor.
Iím hoping that there is an element of good cop bad cop going on to gain wwís trust. Weíll see.
I know what I want and need in the marriage.
Honesty trust love affection friendship support
But to get any of this back the truth has to come out. And she has to change her attitude to me. Iím not the enemy. We were best friends at the start.
Life makes things difficult but if we work together it can be better. But Iím not bending over backwards anymore. Not closing my eyes and pretending itís ok.
50:50, partners. Maybe Iím being a little petty Iím not sure. Of course things will never be exactly equal.
Iím happy to work hard and be giving but I would like something back.

Stevesn posted 5/27/2018 06:40 AM

Hi Limbo

Itís been a while.... good to hear from you.

Iím glad youíre going to stand up for what you need to see to stay in your marriage. In the end itís your choice what you put up with.

And it starts with the truth. Has she come clean about her A? If she wonít even do that, than thereís little chance she will become remorseful and be a safe partner to you in the future.

Please donít give in and rug sweep all she has done.

I forget, do you think sheís still in an A today? Is she having improper contact with anyone? Can you know and account for her whereabouts at all times of the day and night?

No matter what is said in MC, donít leave it with a situation where you have to live with a cheating wife. You deserve a relationship and life where you and your spouse face the world together as a team, giving all your love and emotion to each other, not to other people.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:41 AM, May 27th (Sunday)]

Limbo79 posted 5/29/2018 16:44 PM

Session #3 of mc, no wife as she was ill. She went home from work early but I think she could have gone if she wanted. But Iím not pushing being the gentleman. Anyway good session at the en of it all. After the usual stuff about me working away, etc learning to be together again I pushed home my points. All the things from my earlier posts. The counsellor changed, told u had been to easy been a push over for to long and needed to stand my ground. I think Iíve heard that before,, oh yea on HERE,
She didnít think it likely that my we would admit to much, but we would talk about it if she comes next week.
If ww doesnít come to mc the counsellor said to contact my lawyer and proceed.
Canít get much straighter than that. So next week is a big week. At least Iím playing by the book. Not getting wound up (well not to much but all under control )
Going to the gym tomorrow feeling good tonight.


MrMagnolia posted 5/29/2018 17:47 PM

That's a good step in the right direction, Limbo.

It's good that the MC was able to see things as they are and help you see you've made the right choice (to stand your ground). I think that's big that she told to move forward with the D like that.

Keep it up man

wocket posted 5/29/2018 18:34 PM

Are you in IC? If so, you should work on assertiveness there.

Your life will dramatically improve once you learn to ask for what you need and want.

Limbo79 posted 5/30/2018 01:38 AM

Iím guessing the c was trying to draw my ww into dialogue by seeming to side with her. I hat to think itís an woman man thing with woman siding with woman. Although mostly itís men commenting now on my posts.
For me cheating and lying is just that, doesnít matter about the gender.
Funny thing my we hasnít asked me at all about if the c said anything about her not going or asked me how it was?
Has made me more positive, I was getting a bit worried that it was stacked against me.

MrMagnolia posted 5/30/2018 21:35 PM

Hey Limbo. I think it's a good idea to keep this thread running right here, but if you want opinions and input on therapists and reactions particularly from women and even other WW you might want to post what you just did in the form of a question or just "hey, what's your take on this?" kind of a post.

I would suggest either in general and lead with WS opinion's welcome!

Since your thread here has gotten pretty long in the tooth think that posting just the one thing in that spot will help get some fresh eyes and opinions on it.

Hope all is well,

Limbo79 posted 5/31/2018 00:49 AM

Thanks Magnolia

Smillie posted 5/31/2018 11:56 AM

Do you still plan to file for divorce?

Limbo79 posted 5/31/2018 12:25 PM

The C said if ww misses another session there is no point in mc and I should file. So itís on hold until then.
The c said she I should ask my we during an mc session what she wants. Confront her directly about her behaviour and ef and pa. itís not been directly confronted yet as I took the softly softly approach. I know I know that doesnít work. Iím a slow learner.
The c said that I need to stand up for my self. I have been but itís been a slow process.
Honestly Iím not taking any more bullahit. But I am acting civilised. I know what I want.
So divorce is very much on the cards as I donít think Iím going to get the honesty I want. And if I do will I want to live with it.
That depends on what my ww is prepared to do. I donít mean to keep her in prison but transparency and honesty. And the most difficult love and friendship.

LivingWithPain posted 5/31/2018 16:45 PM

MC is a waste of money. It takes two people to save a marriage and your WW has shown through her actions she has no interest.

Smillie posted 5/31/2018 17:22 PM

It is good that the mc seems to be on your side. I hope your confrontation goes well but be prepared for the worst. I reckon there is a good chance your wife will stonewall you.

Limbo79 posted 6/1/2018 09:20 AM

Your right Iím sure, she will stonewall. The mc said the same. Why would she change now. I have a theory that she is waiting for me to end the marriage. That way she stays in the good light or so she thinks.
All I know Iíve done what I can and Iíve been a gentleman about it. To easy on her for sure. But if I got angry all that would happen is what happened to a friend his ex pushed and pushed until he yelled in front of the kids and then the police were called. They came in all aggressive and in the end he was slung in the back of the police van.
The marriage is over anyway. But Iím playing the game. If she really wants to be with me it will be a new start.

NoOptTo posted 6/11/2018 15:20 PM

Limbo,
How you doing? Hope all is well.

Limbo79 posted 6/12/2018 18:05 PM

Hi all
Still here in the club.
MC is still going on. No real progress yet. Going to have to up the tempo next session. Itís talk about the A or itís over time. Canít work on the marriage and our future until we clear up the mess. Iíve fallen back into the trap of being to easy, weíre talking about how to reconnect etc when we havenít talked about the A yet.
Iíve let myself be steered away from it or Iíve shyed away from it. I only got results when I pushed my ww by having the house valued. So going to go in strong again. Talk about the A or itís divorce, papers are with the lawyer.
I am however really enjoying going to the gym again. Feeling fitter and stronger already.
Thanks for the support everyone really makes a difference when people care.

Marz posted 6/12/2018 18:38 PM

You do understand the only one who can keep,you in this is you, right?

Western posted 6/12/2018 21:03 PM

agreed Marz. Have you evaluated your losses versus gains in staying with this woman, Limbo ?

Regarding your buddy who got pushed, as a cop, I feel badly about that. My guys would never do that unless someone grew violent while we were there.

Don't challenge that, just ask yourself why you keep taking this ass sandwich over someone who doesn't give a shit

Limbo79 posted 6/13/2018 07:41 AM

No offence to any cops Iíve got many friends who are cops. They have to react to what they see and a woman in distress and a man who has been guided into the situation can look aggressive.

Iím probably repeating myself and going to slow but im done being pushed. The difficulty for me and many people in this situation is when you felt genuine love the other person to comprehend why?..

But unless my questions are answered in the next mc session itís over and it will probably be over anyway. Iím trying to do the right thing but I know in my heart itís not doing anything. It takes to 2 to want to work it out. Her going to mc because sheís worried about the house tells it all.
I have realised that an unknown future without her will be better than a shit one that I know.
There has been so much to deal with coping with my cancer and marriage. I stopped worrying about marriage while I tried to cope with my cancer. But it has strengthened my resolve now, especially after going back to the gym after many years break, and slowly has made me realise how bad my M is and was.
I will keep you all posted thanks for listening to my rambling.

Tron posted 6/13/2018 12:34 PM

Hmmm.

IDK about all the talk about reconnecting in MC???

Do you really even know this person that you are trying to reconnect with.

All indications are that she is a cold, heartless, cheating, bitch. Ugh!

And she doesn't love you. There is that too.

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