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In denial

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The1stWife posted 4/7/2018 04:31 AM

Iím sorry for you. You donít deserve this.

It appears to me she will hang on until you end the M.

She can lie and cheat and avoid you and not wear her wedding rings and not be supportive during your health crisis - all actions to signify she doesnít want to be married.

But she wants YOU to end the M so she can tell herself ďhe ended it not meĒ. As though it absolved her of any culpability.


😂😂😂😂😂 and 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

Is she kidding????

Do not be surprised if she is served and she ďacts shockedĒ. If she tries to discuss it with you - please tell her that her actions the last 6 years are all you see. And they speak volumes.

No further discussion needed.

You will be happier out from under this black cloud.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:33 AM, April 7th (Saturday)]

goalong posted 4/7/2018 05:18 AM

WSs need the care and love of BSs to enjoy cheating. Sadly you have been providing it for sometime. Take actions like filing, you will be surprised to see how WSs change thier stance. Also tell your kids in an appropriate manner. Already in prepartion for any future event WW may have told them how bad you are . Hope you have already told POS wife about his shenanigans

2018MLMM posted 4/7/2018 07:34 AM

No warning at all!!!!

Is om married??Ē If so tell his wife the same day she is served

Good luck

It is for the best

Marz posted 4/7/2018 10:35 AM

Yes, you should inform the other mans wife. She maybe going through hell and not know why.

Jduff posted 4/7/2018 10:49 AM

I had wanted to give her an ultimatum and say itís divorce or she needs to come out with the truth and make some big changes. All upfront only the truth.†
But it doesnít sound like I should give her any warning.

Like Marz says, it just gives her a chance to talk and manipulate her if she's given this "fork in the road" option.

By filing first, you've taken away her ability to make it about you choosing her. The power of choice is now yours. You KNOW you do not want to stay in the M while your spouse continues to fuck other men so you are exercising your power now to choose to no longer remain in infidelity. It just takes time for it to become official.

The only topic left then for her to ponder is whether she will want to stay in M with you. If she does, she must drastic changes to become a safe person not only to you, but your children again. Let her talk to her friends and family about what horrible person you are. Tell me, does this claim make sense - "why that controlling, jealous son of a bitch is divorcing me! He doesn't let me do anything, including letting me get to leave him so he is divorcing me out of spite! Can you see the abuse he is putting through!?!? He's divorcing me!?!?"

Don't worry. She won't be able to keep track of all her lies and people will starting seeing cracks in her story before some off them even come to you for the truth. You keep acting out of honesty and integrity and it will speak volumes. See if you can get some divorce related therapy for the kids lined as well soon after you serve her. You will need help with this and you won't want to rely on their cheating mother to assist.

Take control now. Treat it as if your WW had passed away and it is now all on you to take care of the family. What would you do in that situation?

Limbo79 posted 4/7/2018 10:53 AM

I canít prove who the other man or men even are. Iím not sure over the years while I was working away it was just 1 man. Iím not sure really what is going on. Iím sure that she had an affair I have my suspicions with who but have absolutely no way tho prove it. I know who was at my house the day I found the condom and he is married. He is a builder who has been doing work for us and my in laws (next door) for the last few years while Iíve been away.
Heís very chatty and cocky and often when I was home he would just come in the kitchen sit down and eat his lunch at the table.
There are to many signs of an affair and her lying to me for there not I think.
Or at the very least she wants me to think there was so I leave and Iím the bad guy. As some one here said often the simplest answer is the correct one.
I personally think she had a fling or 2 and rather face up to the fact she did and it was wrong she is throwing the blame on me and distancing herself from me. I then get suspicious she can tell everyone how controlling and paranoid I am.
My Wís friend who had an affair wouldnít of needed my W to get her a condom. I know this and I now there were more. Iím a fool really for letting it go on for so long.
On top of that the friend who had an affair is married to s frien of mine. Because of all the mind games I never told him. Iím going to talk to him this weekend and let him know what I know. I feel terrible he is now going through divorce as his W didnít want to be married anymore.
As much as she is a cheater at least his W is asking for divorce. Sheís not admitting to doing anything of course he is controlling and paranoid.
And with my W and I.

Limbo79 posted 4/7/2018 11:01 AM

Thanks Jduff and everyone, for the advice. I can see what I have to do, not any easy choice but one Iíve been forced into by my WW. Itís so hard to let go of my marriage even though I can see itís already gone.
Iím going to call the solicitor that I spoke to when things really started to go bad.
Itís been good to have some womanís opinions and see that itís the same whether itís a man or woman in this situation. It can happen to anyone.

Marz posted 4/7/2018 11:25 AM

Go online and check your phone bill. Your answer is probably there.

Limbo79 posted 4/7/2018 12:53 PM

Not that easy W uses whatsap. Tried to get her to use it while I was away working but she said to difficult. Now that Iím back she uses it all the time.
Canít see who who she calls. Also I know she deletes messages. I heard her tell a friend.
Why go to the trouble if u have nothing to hide.
She wonít open her phone in front of me I case I see her passcode. She will start then stop and put her phone down. Crazy

Jduff posted 4/7/2018 13:13 PM

The road to D is a certain exit out of infidelity.

The road to R is what your WW must convince you is a viable option out of infidelity.

The difference between the two is that the greater burden is on her to show you that R is possible while the only thing you have to concentrate is tending to all of your needs and your children's needs, all business matter regarding divorce, and preparing for a future without your WW.

For her to show you that R is a viable option she must be a safe person to you and your children again. For her to show you she can be a safe person, she must tell the full truth, create a timeline of her affair(s) and provide it to you, demonstrate transparency by surrendering and allowing access to all her communication methods with the AP(s), be willing to take a polygraph at a moments notice, tell you who helped her enable her affairs, be willing to write them NC letters and cut them all out of her life, the list goes on and on and much of it is in the healing library for suggestions. You will also then have your "proof" and with that in consideration along with her meeting all of your requirements for R you may ultimately find that her betrayal is still too much for you to handle and is your deal breaker. You still have the power to D and everyone on this site would understand and back your decision. She made the decision to destroy the M with your consideration. You now get to make your decision as to how you want to move on and heal from this without her consideration.

Look, R is really hard work. It's been said it take 2 to 5 yrs. If you have never seen or known your WW to ever roll up her sleeves, dig in, and dedicate herself to work for a goal or an achievement in her life I say odds are not good she would be willing dedicate herself to convince you of R.

Limbo79 posted 4/7/2018 15:43 PM

To be honest she is a very hard worker when she wants to be. She is very good at her job. She is a chef an excellent chef actually. But I think she has had enough and would prefer me to be away working so she doesnít have to.
While I was working away I earned a very good salary (compared to what I earn now anyway) and I would say she had a comfortable lifestyle. Cleaner once a week and a gardener once a week.
I know itís hard looking after kids as I have looked after ours before they were all in school.

pureheartkit posted 4/7/2018 16:48 PM

You deserve some love Limbo. Someone who wants and needs you. All the silly games. It will be a relief when it's all done. You can come home and not a thought of it on your mind. Why does she tell stories to's all so pointless. The truth always comes out in the end.

Whatever happens, don't settle for more of the same. You're a good man and you deserve happiness.

And you know, too bad if she cant have it easy with extra time to fool around. She should be happy to be great at what she does with a family and caring husband. Why can't she appreciate her blessings?! Time to wake up!

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 4:52 PM, April 7th (Saturday)]

Justincase posted 4/7/2018 17:02 PM

Confront the builder and tell him your WW told you everything. See how he reacts. Try to bring down the big lies with a small fib.

MrMagnolia posted 4/7/2018 21:24 PM

I disagree strongly with confronting the OM. As a man who spent a big chunk of my life expressing feelings almost exclusively with my fists, I have to tell you that's a powder keg ready to explode and once it does there's no telling what will be left in the aftermath.

I advise speaking to a divorce attorney ASAP. Ask them how to go about obtaining proof if you need it. There are PI's that specialize in this kind of thing here in the States and I'm sure some form of that is availbe for you.

There's also some info on this site that might help you with the detective work.

The only thing I'll say in the negative about going this route is that I did my own detective work and I can't unsee the things I found. I wish I'd just asked/paid someone else to look for me. It's better to know for sure I suppose but I didn't have to fuck myself up so hard doing it.

MrMagnolia posted 4/7/2018 21:25 PM

The portion about her not wanting to work and being resentful because she has to makes me think back to my first impression of your story again.......


litost posted 4/7/2018 22:52 PM

Holy crap. My advice is to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt. My ex-WS never admitted anything despite overwhelming evidence. Shitty people are good at gaslighting and blame-shifting...that is what she is doing to you and it isn't the behavior of an innocent person. The phone lock behavior is especially damning, in my opinion. My WS hid all his communications from me very carefully and I would now consider that a HUGE red flag.

Trust your gut and get away before it gets worse. It's emotionally devastating when the WS is too cowardly to own up and tries to make the BS doubt themselves instead. I've been there and I couldn't convince my ex-WS to exhibit any reason, remorse, or compassion.

I'm sorry. Take good care of yourself.

[This message edited by litost at 10:55 PM, April 7th (Saturday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/7/2018 22:59 PM


You're a roommate, not a husband.

Smillie posted 4/8/2018 00:57 AM

I can sympathise with you. You sound like a very passive guy. You have had lots of chances to confront her and her lovers. You have also had ample time to get some evidence. I donít want to criticise you because you have been through alot. You might have been in love with each other before, but not now. Itís time to move on. I canít see what good can come from talking to her about it. You have been bullied for way too long. There is nothing left to recover here. Just file and look forward to meeting someone who is decent.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:59 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]

Limbo79 posted 4/8/2018 03:49 AM

Well Smilie ts funny how your points struck a note with me. I have never seen myself as passive, I have been described someone who doesnít suffer fools gladly. But I guess your right I have let my WS take control of our marriage and relationship. I have confronted her but have backed down and let it slide. I think that is because I really want the marriage to work but itís dead and Iím not facing up to it. If we didnít have kids Iíd finish it in a heartbeat. Long time ago really. Itís complicated we own a house together, 2 small businesses together, have 3 children, her parents live in our house(her father is in a wheelchair) and I have let her use all this against me.
It has meant so
Much to me to keep my family together that Iíve forgotten about myself. Iím adopted and I guess that has something to do with it.
But I need my life back. In my work Iíve had to confront problems directly and deal with them. I need to do the same.

Marz posted 4/8/2018 03:57 AM

It's not that complicated. Like a lot you're trying to use excuses to stay. Many do.

Your life and what you do with it is up to you.

Is this the way you want to live? You have choices.

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