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In denial

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Limbo79 posted 6/13/2018 17:56 PM

Very true Tron Iím reaching for something that doesnít exist. I know what needs to be done but itís just taking the final step thatís hard.
I worry about my kids.
Itís all shit really. Iím tired though itís late and I need sleep. Iíll keep you all posted hopefully Iíll find my courage to speak my mind again.

Hidden posted 7/20/2018 06:03 AM

Hi Limbo itís been a while how are you doing? . 😌

Limbo79 posted 7/23/2018 18:39 PM

Surviving
Been going to MC which mostly has been a waste of time. I chose a female mc and while Iím sure that shouldnít matter Iím struggling to get my points across.
All the points in my story seem to be ignored. The C has asked me if I have had counselling regarding my cancer?
The problems we have been having predate my cancer.
It seems that it doesnít matter if my Ww has had an affair. But of course she hasnít admitted anything.
However it was a big deal when my wife found a spy camera. It wasnít plugged in. I fact I hadnít used it.
I unfortunately admitted that I had seen a lawyer. Iím to honest I guess. The mc suggested that my wife see a lawyer to even things out. She hasnít said if she has been yet.
I have however seen a card from a local lawyer with an appointment time and name. Itís the name of a lawyer that deals with family law. So that answers that question.
My ww has been spinning hard in mc. However the last session was pretty even and I was able to get a few points across.
But...... without admission to what has been going on by my ww there can be no reconciliation.
Been very busy at work and my gym sessions have slowed down. Going to get back into it.
Looks like D will be the only way forward. Iíve tried but Iím not going to get any info from my ww.
Tracking devices are illegal over here. As is phone hacking.
The only good thing with all this is that Iíve become stronger inside. Doesnít matter about what she says or sneeks around doing. Iíve noticed people who cheat think they are very clever and no one knows but it soon becomes easy to see.
ďWords are windĒ to quote game of thrones. But so true.
Itís my wifeís actions that show her true feelings.

Chicky posted 7/23/2018 20:31 PM

Been going to MC which mostly has been a waste of time. I chose a female mc and while Iím sure that shouldnít matter Iím struggling to get my points across. All the points in my story seem to be ignored.

Why are you still spinning your wheels with this woman who obviously doesn't give 2 sh*ts about you and hasn't for a long, long time? I get being in love and wanting answers, believe me I do. But this woman is a very skilled manipulator and if you keep covering the same ground in mc and waiting around for her to own up to something you already know deep in your heart is true, she is going to get the upper hand and screw you out of everything you have worked so hard for: your home, your business, and custody of your children.

Please, for the sake of your sanity, end this farce of a marriage and find yourself and true happiness again. It's out there - you just have to want it bad enough to go after it.

OnceWasEnough posted 7/24/2018 01:35 AM

Limbo79, I see what you're doing, you are procrastinating with going forward with the D.

I completely understand. My 91 year old inlaws live on our property as well, I have procrastinated for 5 years because my decision to D will affect the lives of those who have relied on my WS and myself to ensure they are cared for until their eventual death. My age also plays an important role, I'm in my 50's and I know that it will be scary to start over, but I look forward to making my own choices after my D.

It is a huge step to take but your health, both mentally and physically is so important to keep up and it sounds like you're regressing BIG TIME. Push that gym a few more nights a week.

Forget about the potential loss of the farm and set a goal to be there for your children in the years to come. (prostate cancer is a hereditary gene in my family, I know that your frame of mind post treatment can still affect your overall recovery.)

Don't regret your choices and especially don't be the person who lost sight of their goals. Only you control the path you choose to follow.

I'm sending you positive mojo!!

OnceWasEnough posted 7/24/2018 01:39 AM

Limbo79,
Are you keeping up with the 180 aside from MC?

Western posted 7/24/2018 06:33 AM

dump the counselor, give her bad ratings and move to D so you can free yourself of this cancer

Limbo79 posted 7/24/2018 11:45 AM

I guess Iím hoping to hear my ww confess. I know that this will not happen a and Iím not sure what my response would be. I truly believe that Iím close to the end of the marriage. It will have to be me that ends it which what I think she wants.
I will lose the Farm and House at least until my kids are all grown up. Another 4 - 6 years.
My wifeís parents will have to find somewhere else to live. Iím guessing Iíll have to either rent a small place or live above my business. Thatís if we donít have sell the business.
She will actually be alright financially as there are many benefits for single parents. Thatís if she gets custody and not me.
I would like equal custody but weíll see. Iím going to try and find out what she wants if we get divorced before it happens. I donít want to go through a long expensive legal battle where only the lawyers win.
Fortunately for the last year we have been equal providers since I left my overseas job. We have also being caring for the kids equally the last year.
I donít know how it works in the states but you canít really use any spying info as evidence. And it can be illegal.
I donít need any of that to work out that my marriage has gone to sh*t.
I know you all have a great wealth of knowledge that you wish you had never had to learn. And I appreciate it all but Iíve got to take it at my pace.

Limbo79 posted 7/25/2018 13:01 PM

Hi all
Iím out taking one of my know kids to one their games and have a few minutes to think. Iíve been sitting reading other peopleís posts of their problems. And I realised with so many of us we deny that it could be happening. Or that we could have married someone who would do this. Easier to deny and blame ourselves.
Iím going back and reading the old posts and advice that everyone gave me. Iíve just maid it easier in the end for my ww every time I make a little progress I take a step back.
Every time I try to talk it isnít the right time or sheís tired or not feeling well. Or in MC we are talking about how we can reconnect, or how I need to trust my wife and give her space.
Iím letting this go on now not her. Iím the one causing myself sleepless nights and pain. Never thought Iíd feel so fucked up for so long.
Iím getting back in the gym. Going to call my lawyer. Going to concentrate on getting the end game in place. Iím realising there is no reconciliation if there is no admittance of wrong. Ive been scared of whatís going to happen if it ends or I have to end the marriage when she already has ended it. Itís the past and I have to deal with my future and my future with my kids. I know my wife has talked to a lawyer now but she hasnít said. Iíve told her I have. So next step is to file. I donít want it to become a sit fight and have huge lawyer bills but thatís up to her. I hate the little games that have to be played and the guessing. And I donít have to.
Iíve been reading successful stories where the bs said thatís it and stuck to it.
I know whatever I do she will spin it to her friends and family but so be it.
Wish me luck and courage to stick by my guns.

Buster123 posted 7/25/2018 13:12 PM

Don't telegraph your moves to her, Just file for D on Adultery grounds and EXPOSE the heck out of her with ALL family, friends and even co-workers if any, she's been talking to a lawyer, don't let her file first, seize control and put yourself in the driver's seat, if all that exposure does not shock her out of the A then nothing will, then let D run its course.

Your WW does NOT need more space in your marriage, "more space" almost always means more time to get laid with OM. DO NOT let her control the narrative with relatives, EXPOSE the A now and have her served at work. Please keep posting, you're going to need sound advice from people who have seen it play out hundreds of times here in SI and do not tell her about this site.

Stevesn posted 7/25/2018 13:19 PM

First of all, Good Luck (something I usually end a post with)

Limbo, sometimes it takes a while to get our minds around what has happened to us. To realize the injury thatís been caused by a loved one.

And then it takes a while to realize that the other person doesnít care enough to heal that injury. Itís not your fault. This is human nature. This is brain chemistry.

The things you are beginning to sort out in your brain are the same things that thousands of BSís here have worked through their own minds to come to similar conclusions. Just know youíre on the right path in doing so.

You know what you need in order to heal, reconcile and be safe in the M. If she canít give it to you, thereís no chance for happiness with her.

Some have found that taking action thru D papers, etc actually snap the WS out of it and make them realize how poorly theyíve treated the BS and start to feel remorse. Thatís why so many of those early posts said to have her served.

But no path is 100% foolproof. So donít kick yourself. You did it the way you needed to do that.

But now I hope you start to realize that with her attitude there is only one way out of Limbo. Itís time to start taking those steps and see where it goes. Yes many of your family will be affected, but you deserve a happy life, you only have one.

I hope your time here has helped you come to that point and provided the proper support for you in the decisions you have to make now.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:21 PM, July 25th (Wednesday)]

Smillie posted 7/25/2018 13:28 PM

It sounds like your wife hates you. From what you have written I expect she will try and take you to the cleaners. I think you should stop trying to be the nice guy and look out for number 1.

[This message edited by Smillie at 1:29 PM, July 25th (Wednesday)]

trustedg posted 7/25/2018 13:38 PM

Congratulations on making the decision. You have gone above and beyond what most would do to try to reconcile. File. I know that is hard with kids but stick to your guns, don't feel sorry for her, get tough.

Limbo79 posted 7/25/2018 15:11 PM

Hi all
Iím out taking one of my know kids to one their games and have a few minutes to think. Iíve been sitting reading other peopleís posts of their problems. And I realised with so many of us we deny that it could be happening. Or that we could have married someone who would do this. Easier to deny and blame ourselves.
Iím going back and reading the old posts and advice that everyone gave me. Iíve just maid it easier in the end for my ww every time I make a little progress I take a step back.
Every time I try to talk it isnít the right time or sheís tired or not feeling well. Or in MC we are talking about how we can reconnect, or how I need to trust my wife and give her space.
Iím letting this go on now not her. Iím the one causing myself sleepless nights and pain. Never thought Iíd feel so fucked up for so long.
Iím getting back in the gym. Going to call my lawyer. Going to concentrate on getting the end game in place. Iím realising there is no reconciliation if there is no admittance of wrong. Ive been scared of whatís going to happen if it ends or I have to end the marriage when she already has ended it. Itís the past and I have to deal with my future and my future with my kids. I know my wife has talked to a lawyer now but she hasnít said. Iíve told her I have. So next step is to file. I donít want it to become a sit fight and have huge lawyer bills but thatís up to her. I hate the little games that have to be played and the guessing. And I donít have to.
Iíve been reading successful stories where the bs said thatís it and stuck to it.
I know whatever I do she will spin it to her friends and family but so be it.
Wish me luck and courage to stick by my guns.

Limbo79 posted 7/25/2018 16:36 PM

Didnít mean to post that twice. Writing it down was the easy bit thanks for the support.

fareast posted 7/25/2018 17:13 PM

Strength to you moving forward Limbo79.

antlered posted 7/25/2018 20:43 PM

You are going to be ok.
Millions of people have already trod this path ahead of you.
Keep moving forward and you will get to a better place.

Limbo79 posted 7/27/2018 17:13 PM

Thanks guys
Going ahead with divorce.
Couldnít sleep last night. Only about 4hours. Churning things over in my mind. Need to focus. All this is not good for my health and Not good for fighting my cancer.
Then very busy at work. Living on coffee.😁 least love coffee.
Had a bad day mentally. Think it was the bad sleep and the decision to end the marriage. Counselling ainít doing didly squat. Except giving ww room to manoeuvre.
Canít understand how someone could marry you, have kids with you, then put me through all this. And watch me deal with cancer. Soul destroying.
At least I had a good night with my kids dinner and movie at home.
My first weekend evenings off since the middle of January and she chose to be with girlfriends. And she is doing it tomorrow to.
Easier like this I guess cause if she was nice I might change my mind.
Really is depressing though.

william posted 7/27/2018 17:29 PM

Why not ask the mc why its so vital you trust your wife when she has abused your trust already and thus proven she's unworthy of blanket trust by her actions.

Wait a second or two to let that sink in.

Then ask when when do we start to work why my wife is untrustworthy and what she can do to change to become a person worthy of trust.

Pause again.

Then tell mc that you thinkb Giving trust before wife changes to trustworthy is really putting the cart before the horse.

Pause again.

Then ask mc don't you think so too?

Then lean forward and stare intently at them and watch them squirm.

Thats my 2Ę.

Chicky posted 7/27/2018 18:26 PM

If I were you I would not waste one more second in MC - no, Not. One. More. Second.

Continue with your plan to divorce. The window of opportunity for her to become a devoted and trustworthy partner in your marriage is long gone.

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