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In denial

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Limbo79 posted 8/1/2018 18:31 PM

I wish I had found this website ages ago. Well I did find it awhile ago but it would have been good to have found it before I went to mc. Should have gone to ic first.
And yes can I get a collective ďwe told you soĒ.
But I guess Iím one of those people who likes to make their own mistakes. Having said this Iíve been to mc today but the ww couldnít make it. To be far to her one of us couldnít go as the youngest son had been on his own most of the day. Not completely on his own grandparents live in an annex next door. And both of us were working all day.
So I went. Actually finally got a few more points across. Big ones. Of course counsellor isnít interested in the A, but to be honest it isnít important at the moment. She agrees that my ww isnít trying to work things out and is sending very mixed signals.
I explained that I had enough didnít see the point of mc if the ww wasnít going to try. She agreed and I agreed to 1 more session so that we can end the mc together. She agreed to an ultimatum and divorce proceedings. Not that I needed the mcís approval really but it makes it better.
Not that it will stop my ww from spinning lies to her friends but that doesnít matter now. Truth has a way of working its self out in the open.
So hard to wait but I feel finally progress may be being made, at a turtles pace.

Justincase posted 8/2/2018 00:34 AM

So sorry that you are dealing with this turn of events after all she's put you through. Stay strong and take care of yourself! ((L))

RLinX posted 8/9/2018 08:55 AM

I just read your thread. It is absolutely heart breaking was she has and is doing to you. Any new news?

Limbo79 posted 8/12/2018 18:16 PM

I have to admit things have stalled. We havenít been in mc together for 3 weeks now. Ww missed 1, mc on vacation, then ww missed another for legit reason.
This week could be the big 1.
I donít expect any confessions. However the next step is huge. A friend of mine is going through divorce at the moment and the fees are already over 50,000.
We havenít got that kind of money, but our house and business are worth a bit and when lawyers get a sniff of it they are like sharks. No offence to any lawyers on here ;-))
There doesnít seem to be any real win for me in this situation. Get divorced lose/sell the house and maybe the business also. Donít get divorced and live in an unhappy marriage losing my sanity.
There is the slightest chance that the final threat of divorce will galvanise my wife into full confession mode and reconciliation and love. More chance of a flying pig and me winning the lottery.
It will be a long hard slog through divorce I think. Unless we can agree on mediation.
But in the end we lose our house and most important our family.
I have realised that my marriage as I knew it is already dead, makes me sad and feel lost and used.
Having never known my birth parents I guess is part of why Iíve stuck it out so long.
Iíve faced big storms at sea and felt less fear then I feel now. Maybe not fear but uneasiness of the unknown and indecision.
I feel stuck in quicksand sometimes, but Iím almost there.
Itís like being stuck in a bad dream and trying to wake up.
Iíll say this to any new people on here, listen to the advice given on here, take control early on, donít back down, donít bother with mc not in the beginning anyway. Look after yourself and your kids.
Itís what EVERYBODY told me. Iíve listened but have hesitated and lost my head of steam.
Procrastination only gives the ws strength

fareast posted 8/12/2018 19:17 PM

Limbo79:

Have you actually sat down with your WW and looked her in the eyes and told her what you just wrote? Have you told her exactly how she has made you feel, with her callousness and coldness, leaving you in constant doubt with your suspicions. You donít have to be in M.C. to do this. There is so much in your journey that remains unsaid. Does your WW refuse to just talk to you? I would think you would want to give it a shot before pulling the plug. Perhaps you have done this already and she just sits there unwilling to talk. Then so be it. Just sayin.

Smillie posted 8/13/2018 00:06 AM

I agree with you Limbo. I donít think your WW will come around. I feel like that ship sailed a long time ago. You might get some sort of confession before the end, however, she has lost interest in you and her marriage. Keep slogging away and improving yourself. Your optimistic nature should benifit you in the long run.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:07 AM, August 13th (Monday)]

RLinX posted 8/13/2018 07:50 AM

You have done everything you could!
Youíve done more than anyone could have asked you to do.

She knows it is coming and isnít willing to do anything to stop it.

It is time to stop torturing yourself and just pull the trigger!

Stay strong

Limbo79 posted 8/13/2018 10:33 AM

@fareast
I have talked to her and said all of those things at various times.
The last MC session we have was 1 of the better ones. Better as in I was able to say how I felt. I pretty much said it all without even going into the whole cheating. As the cheating is separate and connected in a way from the marriage counselling.
I explained how it felt to come home from 6 months working away to a cold atmosphere and how I used to go back to work all wound up because of the lack of affection and the coldness. I explained how I used to sit on my own at times away from family grinding up over and over inside destroying my soul. Eating away at me. She had no real answer.
My ww may have cheated because she felt the marriage was falling apart or she became the way she is(coldness and hiding because she cheated. I will probably never know.
That is why the last sessupion which my ww missed the mc said that it was time to face reality and although the mc didnít really deal with the infidelity the marriage was over. Unless (mc donít like to face defeat) my we made some big changes and started committing to the marriage.
Now Iím sure my ww will try to wiggle out of all this or at least lay all the blame on me but it would appear that the mc did have some sort of plan.
Weíll see what happens this week. If nothing then itís the end. It most likely is the end anyway.
I think unfortunately this was the easy part it will only get worse.

fareast posted 8/13/2018 11:10 AM

Thanks for the response Limbo79. You have certainly done everything humanly possible. I am sorry it has come to this, but it takes two committed people to make a M. Good luck to you.

DarkHoleHeart posted 8/13/2018 11:23 AM

I have talked to her and said all of those things at various times.
The sad truth about cheaters is that talking very rarely works. They just nod their head, feel sorry for you for about 10s, feel guilty for another 10s and then return back to "oh poor me, how much longer I have to endure this?"

Limbo79 posted 8/13/2018 12:13 PM

DarkHH
Very true I think u hit the nail on the head. Guess I should feel great full she has put up with me this long. 😁 f@ck that. Sorry for the language. Sometimes Iím a bit isolated out here. I work 6 days of the week and then have 1 to spend with the kids.
I need to get back to the gym and interact with people outside of work.
Iím greatly out numbered by my wwís friends as I worked away for so many years.
It gives me strength to let it out here.

DarkHoleHeart posted 8/13/2018 12:29 PM

Sorry for the language
Don't be sorry. Until I got hit with infidelity, I never cursed (ok, I said "fuck" occasionally in English, but considering the amount of borrowed cuss-words we have available in my country it is close to "not cursing"). Now, when I talk about all this infidelity crap, I don't pick words. If there's an expletive to express an action or an person or whatever, I use it. Mainly to show my disgust.

Limbo79 posted 8/14/2018 01:45 AM

Iím not trying to give the impression that Iím offended by bad language or very prim and proper. Iím an ex-sailor so I know my way around a curse or 2.😁 I found some of the best when I was working in Italy. Itís strange that seems to be the first thing your learn in another language.
I find it useful to use when pissed off.curse in another language excellent.
I do try not to at home gets harder as Iím a bit tense at the moment. I was raised to be polite.
I have been on edge and the language comes out but not at home in front of the kids and never directed at them.

Limbo79 posted 8/15/2018 17:21 PM

Ok so last MC session very big!! Weíve decided that the marriage is dead. We need to work on the separation. Of course the C was very keen for us to keep talking with her and Carry on with the sessions$$$$$.
So boom .
Except no mention of infidelity or the lies.
But the result is the same so I donít care. Only problem the C was talking about me living in some studio apartment and ww living in the Farm!!?? WTF!!
That doesnít sound good.
No longer in denial but none the wiser.

NoOptTo posted 8/15/2018 18:27 PM

You got part of your answers. You know what awaits yi ou in the near future. Your leaving infidelity.

Do not heed the C advice. Go talk to your lawyer. Your wife will more then likely play hard ball with you as she did in MC. Continue to focus on you. Show your children you do and will always love them. Stay detached from your wife. You know the drill 180. If you need money from the sell of your house to live, consult with your lawyer about it. He will also help you figure what to do with your joint business. Can you n your wife be amicable partners? Or does one buy out the other, or just sell it outright? All things you need to talk about with him as well as your wife. Wish you well. Your future is not as dark as you fear.

antlered posted 8/15/2018 18:45 PM

Only problem the C was talking about me living in some studio apartment and ww living in the Farm!!?? WTF!!

Yeah, that'll be a negative on that advice, over?

You, right now, need to consult with a few attorneys until you find one that will advocate strongly for you. YOU.

The wife is now officially your competitor/adversary. She's been looking out for her own interests and pleasure at your expense for some time now, but now you know.

Limbo is over. Don't concede the field. Best to you!

Buster123 posted 8/15/2018 23:42 PM

File for D ASAP that way you control the process, draft half of the money on joint accounts, assume she's going to take you to the cleaners, you need to protect yourself.

Limbo79 posted 8/16/2018 01:25 AM

I am concentrating on what is best for my kids and me.
I know there will lots of spin and gaslighting going on. I donít want this to end up being more of a big horrible expensive divorce than it has to. Pisses me off that I could never get better evidence of adultery. I think a condom in her pocket is pretty good evidence but the mc never pursued this. Even when I brought it up in counselling.
Actually Iím very sad that I have to be even at this point. Sometimes I doubt myself. What if I got this all wrong? But then I look at what I know for sure, secret meetings with another man, condom, general secrecy, and just the way Iíve been treated and I know something happened.
I also know that the marriage had died a long time ago and that I was not happy. Miserable actually and I let it go on far to long.

RLinX posted 8/16/2018 03:05 AM

You know the truth! You know what she did!

If she was on trial in front of a jury for adultery, you know she would EASILY be found guilty!!


But even without her screwing around, you HAD TO divorce her for how she treated you! Iím sorry, but you are correct, she killed the marriage years ago!

I know you have moments of doubt, but they are natural and will pass

Stay strong and keep walking straight out of the gates of Hell!!

Limbo79 posted 8/16/2018 05:39 AM

Reason doesnít stop the pain unfortunately. Yes I will be ok and maybe in the long run far better. Well for sure in the long run I will be better.
The failure of our marriage was both of our faults. The lies and cheating my wwís, the failure to do something at the beginning mine.
It doesnít matter now though I need to focus on the now and the future.
It wonít be easy, Iím not naturally ruthless and still stupidly want to protect my ww.
Hard to see the mother of my children as the enemy.

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