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In denial

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Limbo79 posted 9/17/2019 10:37 AM

No she doesnít want to take a polygraph. She doesnít want to try to work on the marriage just leave it as it is. Broken and separate rooms, lives, and life. Just a marriage in name. Took ages to eventually get all this out.
Sheís admitted to a little but of course not her fault. So itís marriage over really. For me. Still not easy. I donít know why but still rips me apart. I did my best without selling my soul.

TimSC posted 9/17/2019 11:07 AM

Sorry about your marriage. I think you are doing the right thing. It appears you wife checked out a long time ago.

But one of your posts about your cancer triggered me. I too have prostate cancer. Diagnosed last January. Was sent for radiation and hormone treatments.

My doctors told me that testosterone is to prostate cancer as a lighted match is to gasoline. The hormone treatments I am getting is to lower my testosterone levels. I am finished with radiation but will have to continue hormone treatment for at least 2 years.

Last week I had my 3 month follow up PSA test done. PSA was 0.01.

Good luck.

Marz posted 9/17/2019 11:10 AM

This isn't a court of law. You don't need absolute proof or a confession to make a decision.

All you need is enough to satisfy yourself.

If you can't make a decision you'll just wallow longer.

Your wife is fine with that. She likes cake eating.

How are you liking it?

[This message edited by Marz at 11:11 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Limbo79 posted 9/17/2019 12:25 PM

Not sure what the exact cause relation between prostate cancer and testosterone is. But there is a link. I had hormone therapy for 3 years. Knocked me around quiet a bit but better than the alternative. Finished it all last year. So far so good. Donít like to tempt fate though.
I wallowed in pity for a while mainly because I wanted to do my best. But in the end I think it just showed she could get away with it.
Sure I blame myself for things within my marriage that I could have done better, but not for what she did in the end. Her lack of love and support for me finally broke me. Iíve had enough I just need to keep focused. I donít think Iíll waiver again as I know 100% that the marriage is over and I tried.
She has already come up with a few excuses as to why we should stay together but it gasnt worked.
I canít live in this marriage of lies and I have told her.
Even if she confesses to all that I know which I donít think she can. I donít think I could take her back.
I just want to make sure my kids and I are ok. Iím sure I will lose a big part of what Iíve workex so hard to build but it will be worth it in the end.
I thought (hoped) after 50 life would get a little easier but no still working hard non let up especially if I lose my house.

Marz posted 9/17/2019 18:03 PM

Sure I blame myself for things within my marriage that I could have done better

That's a two way street. Did you cheat because of her shortcomings?

See the difference?

HalfTime2017 posted 9/17/2019 19:29 PM

Limbo, you tried. Its not easy, but look back at your post. You lost a full yr. Don't lose anymore.

Life is short. YOu've dealt with cancer already. Go live your life. Get your ducks in a row, don't tell you wife and file. She is still hiding her affair after a full yr. Thats not a marriage, just you paying to be her husband.

DjDjani posted 9/19/2019 17:12 PM

Limbo,you are talking about getting divorce cor months now! Just go and file for a divorce. Tomorow!! Not next week,next month,tomorow!!! Dont live in misery any more! You see that you dont have a wife any more,your marriage is only a piece of paper,nothing elce. She only wants to stay becouse of farm,anf why shouldnt she stay? She has a lovers and you to help with the bills. Please dont live in that hell any more! Be brave and file tomorow!!

Limbo79 posted 9/24/2019 18:41 PM

Well the end has started. WW has agreed to start mediation for divorce. I should feel positive but I guess I had hoped for st least some explanation for her behaviour. Maybe not a full confession but just something. Other then blaming me, denial and basically just not talking.
Itís not over yet, got a lot of hard work ahead. But booking our appointments in the morning.
She could still stall or refuse to go after I make the appointments. But then Iíll just file.
Then sheíll have to go or hire a solicitor (lawyer) and then I will and that will get expensive. Weíre not cash rich or on big incomes, but we have a decent amount of capital invested in our house and business.
She will have her divorced girlfriends whispering in her ear saying she deserves it all.

Limbo79 posted 9/26/2019 07:44 AM

Things still moving forward toward separating and divorce. Iíve booked my mediation appointment. She has to book her own. Mines only next week.
In the U.K. there has to be an attempt at divorce through mediation. If only one person goes or mediation brakes down then you have to brake the lawyers (solicitors) out.
Hopefully mediation will work as I would like to recover at least some of the money that I have invested in our farm/house.
Ultimately itís not about the money itís about recovering my life and self respect.
I cannot live with a woman who I know has lied to me about meeting up with another man etc. I know she had an affair. You donít carry a condom in your back pocket when a certain man had been to our house for nothing.
But none of that matters any more.
Iíve finally woken up to the way she has been treating me over the last 4-5 years. No support or empathy during my cancer treatment etc etc etc.
I havenít said anything about trying to reconcile or working things out.
She has actually been quite pleasant lately. Maybe itís relief that divorce is finally started? Or sheís not really going to try?
I donít know? Doesnít matter.
Someone once commented on here you can only control you. Itís so true. So thatís what Iím doing.
Wish me luck.

paboy posted 10/20/2019 04:10 AM

Just checking on you Limbo. How are you doing? How are things progressing? How is the mediation going?

Limbo79 posted 11/22/2019 14:28 PM

Mediation finally started. Having our first joint meeting soon. A lot of delaying on her part.
Itís strange now that itís finally going ahead she has mostly been pleasant. I canít really explain it. Itís sort of a surreal feeling. Itís almost like sheís relieved or excepted that itís going ahead. But almost like sheís ignoring that itís happening.
She goes out on Saturdays with girlfriends, we went on separate breaks with the kids.
Itís kind of like weíre already separated but not. Then we are back in the house altogether watching a movie.
I must admit there are times when it all gets to me and brings me down. It can be a real struggle.
Cancer, marriage, worrying about our kids. It all gets to me and I feel like Iím getting crushed.
All the years I worked away sending money home to build our future and there was never any future together. 25 years together. And itís over. It was over years ago but I ignored all the signs.
I think we would carry on together if I was willing to just ignore it all. But I canít.
Sorry but sometimes it all feels dark and depressing. Iíve been living in a lie and it hurts.
On the plus side Iíve been spending more time with my kids now that Iím not working abroad. Home every night. Iím going to the gym regularly. My cancer seems ok at the moment.
So Iím going to slowly keep pushing forward with the divorce and as much as I hate the idea of my family breaking up Iím looking forward to not living with her anymore. It hurts to much.
Sorry Iím a little depressed tonight. Stbx ww is out tonight.
Never mind

elKAPPYtan posted 11/22/2019 15:35 PM

Not sure what the exact cause relation between prostate cancer and testosterone is. But there is a link.

Per Google there is no known link between low T and prostate cancer, but high levels of T can reduce the chance of prostate cancer recurrence. Some men's bodies turn Testosterone into estrogen and that has been proven to increase rates of cancer.

I recently was tested and came in at 260 (low end of the low end) at age 34. I have the testosterone of a 78 year old overweight type II diabetic. Starting replacement therapy next week.

just read through the entire thread, so sorry you are dealing with this. I was obsessed with finding out the truth, I can only imagine going so long without it. That had to be extremely tough.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 3:37 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

NoOptTo posted 11/22/2019 15:57 PM


It's ok to feel your feeling. Its because you cared. Your STBXW checked out many years ago. Enjoy spending quality time with your kids. As you struggled last year to pulled the plug on your marriage, your showing your new inner strength by continuing with your D. You can envision your future without your STBXW and that good. Keep talking things one moment at a time. Treat yourself well. You will get through this dark time in your life. Your showing your kids through your actions to always live by their laurels.

Limbo79 posted 11/24/2019 11:12 AM

Big meeting with the STBXWW this week. First meeting together to work out how our divorce will work. Weíve got kids, house and business together to work out.
Do we carry on working together? I thought before it would be fine. We get along fine at work, but then there was no social intimate side to our marriage for years.
I guess I kind of hoped she would say she was sorry for not showing more empathy while I was going through my cancer treatment.
I guess while I donít want to be with her anymore it hurts that she hasnít cared for years. And I was such a fool.
No use crying now Iím moving forward but I canít help feeling a little lost. But Iíve faced cancer on my own so I can get through this.

The1stWife posted 11/24/2019 11:46 AM

Best of luck in n this meeting. Hang tough. BE strong.

You will get through this.

But now you will see the ďrealĒ her.

KingofNothing posted 11/24/2019 12:25 PM

Jesus... Iím so sorry. Your wife became something strange and terrible.

Marz posted 11/24/2019 12:35 PM

i get your feelings but as long as you're wanting the marriage and realtionship when she could care less will keep you bound up in this for no gain.

Unless you can find your way out you'll keep yourself wrapped up in this.

No or limited contact can bring clarity's if you'll let it. This is totally up to you.

Staying in this in any way will serve you no purpose.

Buster123 posted 11/24/2019 12:40 PM

Do we carry on working together? I thought before it would be fine.

This will probably be a nightmare, buy her out of the business (or sell her your part), that way you can move on faster and not have to witness her parading her new boyfriends and bringing them to the business.

Limbo79 posted 11/24/2019 17:42 PM

Itís strange to say but on the whole I wouldnít say my STBXWW was a horrible person. Within our relationship yes. But mostly kind and considerate to others, hard working,generous, but something within her and within us isnít right. That isnít an excuse for her behaviour just my lack of understanding of what happened.
But I guess as people we are the sum of all our parts.
Iíve read on her of unfaithful partners still denying in the face of hard evidence (no pun intended)
I went 180 about 6 months ago to see what would happen. Things were better, mainly for her. I didnít question her or ask her where she was going. Tried to get my life back on track.
She didnít change. There were still little lies.
But it doesnít matter I realised I didnít need her, Iíd been living without her for years in reality. Our marriage was only a name to her. Useful at times.
I hate to say this but you guys told me so.
I should have just divorced her at the start of it all. But hindsight is great.
So if anyone reads this who is just joining this great club just start divorce, unless there is immediate and total commitment from the WS!
Iíve learned the hard way. Donít confuse your own feelings of love and commitment to the marriage with their feelings.
Proof is in action not words.

nekonamida posted 11/24/2019 17:52 PM

Honestly, I don't care how kind and compassionate someone acts when they treat their spouse poorly. It looks so fake to me. They made vows to their spouse. Not random strangers. It's easy to put on a mask for a few minutes with someone who has no idea what you are like behind closed doors. Just listen to a serial killer podcast or watch a documentary and see how many of them had neighbors who loved them and were shocked to learn who they really are. That's what you STBXWW is like. It's not really who she is. It's who she pretends to be.

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