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In denial

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Smillie posted 4/8/2018 04:02 AM

You have been through so much with your illness. I totally understand that your situation is complicated and you have many things that bind you together. To be frank your relationship sounds abusive and you will be better once you split. Of course she will try and twist things but who cares. Once you leave you will be much happier and that's what matters.

[This message edited by Smillie at 4:13 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]

MrMagnolia posted 4/8/2018 05:19 AM

Limbo, you kick ass. I am really excited for you that you've decided to take this step even as my heart hurts recognizing the pain it must be causing you to have to do it. It's a testament to your ability to survive that you've been doing so under such terrible conditions for as long as you have.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself when things start to get tougher and if you are unsure of a next step or how to approach a situation posting here or even just uncovering similar struggles that others have had has been immensely helpful to me.

You have us for support and we are all pulling for you.

Smillie posted 4/8/2018 06:18 AM

During my split I engaged in as many social sport and fitness groups as I had time for. Mixed groups are best.....badminton, yoga, ultimate frisby, etc etc etc. Just do some stuff that makes you feel happy and keeps you healthy. Think of this as the start of an adventure. The other relationships in your life will improve as you regain your mojo.

[This message edited by Smillie at 9:37 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]

AlwaysOnEdge posted 4/8/2018 13:00 PM

Hi limbo, hope you are doing ok mate, just remember to look after yourself. Eat as properly as you can and keep up with the fluids, but no booze.

You mentioned trying to get into her fone, if it's protected by a number code it's surprisingly easy:
Don't try to read the numbers, she will see what you are up to, but watch from in front of her. You are looking for the pattern her thumb makes, left right up down etc. It took me a few days but I ended up with far right, far left, far right but down a bit, and far left same as before. You will be left with very few combinations that fit the pattern. Just remember tho that some fones lock after 5 attempts.

Hope this helps. Tho in reality you know what's been going on, but I understand the need to have that proof.

Limbo79 posted 4/8/2018 14:50 PM

I was thinking of talking with her this evening about our marriage but Iím going to listen to the advice Iíve been getting and talk to the solicitor tomorrow and discuss my next step. Iím going to get things ready for D day.
Strange she has been a bit nicer the last couple of days even cooked Sunday dinner today. But then has thrown a few digs at me as well. Why didnít I do this or that or something is my fault, why didnít I check the emails, but I havenít bitten just said that they were things that were both of our responsibilities etc. She didnít reply.
She has also fallen out with her parents who live in annex to our house. Not the best but her idea not mine as I have pointed out. She hardly talks to her dad and is very short with her mother.

Smillie posted 4/8/2018 14:56 PM

Please donít forewarn her of your plans. It will more than likely backfire and give her the chance to shoot first. I understand that you want to talk to her about it all. Itís like a scab that must be picked. Just use a modicum of restraint, find out as much as you can without giving anything away. Good luck.

[This message edited by Smillie at 2:58 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]

Limbo79 posted 4/8/2018 14:58 PM

Thanks always on edge Iíll try that. I think itís a six digit pin code. I almost laugh when she gets her phone out in front of me and starts to think about unlocking it but realises Iím there so she fiddles with her phone opening and closing the case a couple of times. Pathetic really
Iíve always had a pin code on mine because I traveled and worked away but the whole family knew it. She could get on my phone anytime she wanted but when she locked her phone at her b*tch friends suggestion I changed mine. Sorry for the language.

Limbo79 posted 4/8/2018 15:40 PM

I wonít Smillie just as u say like a scab.

twisted posted 4/8/2018 16:49 PM

There comes a time when all the little circumstances and coincidences merge together into a clear picture, and the hardest part is realizing all the signs were there and your were ignoring them, or it never occured to you that you should be looking in the first place.

It is so painfully obvious she is cheating, you have all ready listed all the classic signs.
As I and others that have been here a while have seen hundreds of stories come across, unfortunately yours seems to be a textbook example.
Study the 180, have the lawyer (solicitor) do his thing. Time to play hardball and business like. You need to show here that it's over. If she freaks out, all the better. Let her for awhile. If you desire to try and reconcile, DO NOT GET in a hurry. Sometimes letting the consequences of their actions simmer for awhile is better.

MrMagnolia posted 4/8/2018 19:39 PM

Twisted's advice is about as good as it gets IMO.

It's good to you are seeing her behavior for what it is, pathetic. It's one of those feelings I used to get myself the hell out of dodge when I needed to. It was far past time when I left as well so don't think you are alone in that regard either.

Stay strong.

Limbo79 posted 4/9/2018 06:59 AM

Called the lawyer/solicitor today I have an appointment to talk with them tomorrow. Moving forward.
Going to the gym after work today.

BrokenheartedUK posted 4/10/2018 06:14 AM

I would also add, if you do manage to get her phone from her or she offers it to you as Ďproofí nothing is going on but has wiped it of evidence, you can use Dr Fone to undelete text messages. That may give you the proof that you need. But all signs are there that sheís been or is currently unfaithful.

MrMagnolia posted 4/10/2018 15:27 PM

How did it go with the attorney?

nothisfriend posted 4/10/2018 15:48 PM

It took me about 3 days of watching my WXH but I finally figured out he was using the year he was born as his pass code. Got up in the middle of the night and read the text messages that were syncing to his ipad. (Same pass code.) When you watch someone put in that code over and over and over because he was ALWAYS on the phone it became surprisingly simple.

BetrayedAgain3 posted 4/10/2018 17:44 PM

I hope your meeting went well.

It sounds like youíre taking care of yourself. Thatís the hardest part- and the most important.

Limbo79 posted 4/10/2018 18:52 PM

My WW is very careful when she puts her code. She wonít put it in in front of me. But of course has nothing to hide.
My meeting was on the phone but interrupted as someone came in at work who i didnít want to hear me.
Mainly about costs and how the divorce process works here in the U.K. I had some advice on here to try and get a few free meetings with various solicitors here. Find ones that give a free initial consultation.
Itís important that I get my finances clear and in order before starting. Need to keep a clear head about it all. Not get wound up, easy to say.

Limbo79 posted 4/13/2018 14:41 PM

One of the most difficult parts of all this is I feel lost. For the last 25 years my ww have worked as a team. We actually worked together until we had kids 15 years ago. I had to go off back to sea to support our family but we had a goal to bid a small farm and live and work together on it.
We became less of a team about 7 years ago when I went away to work. Also when she had her first A. EA or PA Iím not sure could have been both.
But I noticed over the years it became less about us and more about her.
Then cancer hit me. That really nocked the crap out of me emotionally. But I managed to finish the treatment and went back to sea when I had the clearance from the Dr. I still had to have 3 monthly checks.
But then it hit me who am I doing this for? My wife wonít even touch me when I come home on leave. I had to clear things up. Then I found the second affair and the condom. Well thatís the main proof other than her behaviour.
But Iím sure she had a fling or just sex.
But hereís the kicker what do I do now. If I file for divorce now weíll mostly likely have to sell our farm (which is our retirement plan) and our business. Then what to I do? If I o back to sea I will probably lose most of custody of our kids. If I donít Iím not trained for much else and Iím in my 50s. I feel lost. There donít seem to be any good answers.
Sure I will be happier without her if things are like this. But Iíll have no job and be starting from scratch.
I gave up a good job to come home and wouldnít be offered a similar one again. Nor do I want that as I wanted to be near my family. But the family is gone. Catch 22. Life sucks sometimes.

Smillie posted 4/13/2018 15:02 PM

I am in my 40s. I play badminton with a woman in her 50s. She is pretty hot and she is the most fun person there. She is also single. Itís all about your attitude. I think you need a new lease of life. At a minimum you need to break this voodoo and get some truth. Itís up to you if you divorce. Lots of people chose to reconcile and some are successful.

[This message edited by Smillie at 3:09 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

Limbo79 posted 4/13/2018 17:13 PM

I think Iím having the Friday the 13th blues, I really want to talk to my wife about whatís happened but whatís going to be different? Itís not that Iím desperate to have her back or canít live without her anymore. I kind of just want the truth and some closure.
I could give her another chance but things would have to change and she would have to be more open.
I guess I just donít understand how someone could do this. Itís not like it was a drunken night out and she made a mistake. Itís a could and calculated thing. To carry on lying and denying and not even comforting the father of your children, the man you married when he is in treatment for cancer is beyond me? Not the person I married.
Going round in circles again.

Limbo79 posted 4/15/2018 18:54 PM

To be honest if I would try and reconcile. But she would have to agree to be more open. And she would have to come clean, not just feed me a little bit of the truth. She would have to be straight and honest even about the little things. I donít hold much hope out that she would be able to confess. Iíve got time tomorrow to call a few more lawyers and see what free consultations I can get. Crunch time will be in the next couple of weeks. I hate waiting butI want to get as much info I can get before paying the bucks and filing. Iíve started using on of those mediation apps which I find helps me not think about it and sleep.

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