SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Romanwanderer posted 4/29/2018 12:23 PM

He says it's definitely over. an emoional affair leading to a kiss with younger woman at work. going on for a few months including texts photos coffees . I believe it is over but they still work closely together and are very good work friends and sometimes he takes a lift home.
I am struggling to forgive / get over. He is cross with me and says how long will this go on, he has stopped and I need to move on!
last night he even drank the bottle of wine she got him for his birthday!
I am so upset and want a separation but the other night he was crying and desperate for me to forgive. But he is also can be very mean to me and has a temper. He has been quite nasty at times last few months through all this when I knew stuff going on. He completely dismisses lots of it and won't discuss it and says it could have been a lot worse not that bad! A significant factor for me is it had supposedly stopped a few months ago and I did forgive him and I thought we were getting on fine and then to my shock it started again and they kissed. But he said they then realised it had to stop. this was a few weeks ago. What am i supposed to do i feel caught in a trap?

GoldenR posted 4/29/2018 12:26 PM

This needs to go in the Just Found Out forum, as you are the betrayed, not the cheater

Romanwanderer posted 4/29/2018 12:30 PM

oh sorry - I'm new and didn't realise - how do I change it? thanks

SI Staff posted 4/29/2018 13:08 PM

Romanwanderer posted 4/29/2018 14:28 PM

thank you and can anyone give me advice

Smillie posted 4/29/2018 14:36 PM

They cannot continue to work together. One of them will have to leave.

There is a good chance that he is holding back details. You should think about exposing him to people who have influence over him.

[This message edited by Smillie at 2:38 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

coolcats posted 4/29/2018 14:47 PM

First off there is a high chance it was a lot more than what was shared.

Second, if he is snippy and putting the blame on you, he is not remorseful.

Third, things like drinking the wine show his priorities. I asked my WW to get rid of all the lingerie she wore for the OM. She pouted and resisted because they were her “favorites” (again priorities). She now has them packed in a bag of clothes for donation to goodwill ( I guess they take those?), but has not yet gotten rid of them.

Again keep a sharp eye for things worse than they have been told, and priorities.

The1stWife posted 4/29/2018 14:57 PM

Not sure it was one kiss. Cheaters lie. Common behavior pattern is to minimize the A.

One kiss - doubtful.

Google Affair Fog. That is where he is.

And he drank the bottle of wine 🍷 she gave him? How disrespectful to you.

Tell him your boundaries and he needs to move on from the A.

If they work together one of them has to leave. Otherwise the A can and will continue.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:59 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

Smillie posted 4/29/2018 15:17 PM

If she has a partner then he should be informed as soon as possible. Find her on facebook and see if she has another guy in her life.

I would consider contacting her parents and explaining that she is crossing the line with your husband.

The idea here is to shame her and run her out of your husband’s life. These might seem like extreme measures but getting divorced is far worse.

[This message edited by Smillie at 3:47 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

ICaughtThem posted 4/29/2018 16:51 PM

The longer you hang around here, you'll learn that if your Wayward Spouse had opportunity, odds are that they had sex. You can't truly forgive what you don't fully know about. Cheaters are great at lying, especially right after getting caught. More facts will come out over time, called Trickle Truth. Most will only admit only to what you can prove.

Since he's pressuring you to just "move on", that shows that he doesn't have any remorse. He wants you to rug sweep it. Him being nasty towards you also shows that he has no remorse. For most people that does not end well, as he will probably do it again.

Coreofsteel posted 4/29/2018 17:00 PM

I'm sorry, but the odds are that they had sex. I do not believe that it was just a kiss. Reason is that I heard that too from my WS. It was sex, not just a kiss.

I would let the other betrayed spouse know, if there is one.

This is not over if they're still working together. He is not remorseful and doesn't appear to care what he's done to you and your marriage.

NO. You don't have to "move on". This issue is far from resolved. I would press on with the separation or do a hard 180 to gain some perspective here. You are worth more than this.

DarkHoleHeart posted 4/30/2018 05:05 AM

Romanwanderer, sorry you are here :(

First, according to what you wrote, separation would be the best thing for you.
Your WH (wayward husband, one who cheated) is full of shit and is trying to feed you it.

Others said that most probably you don't have whole truth about his affair yet and I agree with that (I got "nothing physical, swear on our kids' lives" and underneath it was ~25 fucks with two affair partners (AP) in a period of 2 months). But that doesn't really matter now. Your WH is nowhere near a state where he can help you heal from a trauma he inflicted to you. Sorry to say that, but WH is your enemy now, covering and caring only about his own ass. So you have to take care for yourself. Here's a short list of what to do:
1. In a Healing Library (yellow box top left) read about 180 and implement it. Every interaction with him currently hurts you more. 180 is a tool to limit that ongoing injury and get you to a place where you can start healing.
2. See a lawyer to find out about divorce. You don't have to file yet, but arm yourself with information.
3. Get full STD check. DO NOT HAVE sex with him until he does the same and shows you the results, and you are 100% affair is over. If he's drinking her wine, A is not over! "We are just friends now" is total bullshit.
4. Take care of yourself. Eat what you can, drink plenty of water, try to exercise. Get sleep aids if necessary.

Why do you feel you are caught in a trap? Kids? Finances?

de.va.sta.ted posted 4/30/2018 05:31 AM

I'm so sorry. You are going through a very difficult situation.
I've been there. Do you have kids?

You ask what are you supposed to do. If you don't have kids, I would say leave. Stop hoping he will start being nice, because unless you show him the hard consequences of his actions, it will go on. Being angry and cross does not reflect love or remorse.

edited to add: if you do have kids, you need to figure out how leaving would pan out. seeing a lawyer is smart regardless, but I would probably sort it out in my head before making a next step re custody etc.

I stayed in a similar situation, though my husband was for the most part remorseful, and 9 years later, after swearing it was the biggest mistake of his life, he did it again. You don't want to be me.

Also, they didn't only kiss, sorry. It's highly unlikely. But don't bother digging and digging to find out - though i know the impulse is strong, it's such a waste of your life.

You deserve (and I deserve) someone who puts us first, and WANTS to be with us ONLY.

SEnding lots of hugs, this is really really hard.

[This message edited by de.va.sta.ted at 5:33 AM, April 30th (Monday)]

annb posted 4/30/2018 08:24 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

I agree with the other posters, there is much more to this story.

Too many of us here heard it was just a kiss only to find out later it was full blown sex.

Cheaters lie and deny and MINIMIZE.

If your husband is truly remorseful, he will remove this woman from your lives IMMEDIATELY.

He finds another job.
Cuts all contact.
NEVER is alone with her under any circumstances.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Find a way to get out of infidelity because right now you are still living in this nightmare.

Please make an appt with your doctor to get tested for STDS asap.

Sending virtual hugs...