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Am i thinking wrong

Bird1 posted 4/30/2018 15:43 PM

I have discovered only a week ago about the affair. I have been married for five years and have two little boys. Me and my husband were physically not together for 5 months since i had to leave the US due to my back problems and not able to care for kids. I have been so mad and anxious over past few days but today developed perhaps just temporary defense mechanism. I keep telling myself that i won t investigate anymore or keep checking his emails etc. He explained what happened, where it happened and it matches with what i havediscovered. He feels broken too but i just think that if he decides to do it again we will separate right away and the boys will hate him for doing this to us one day when they grow up. If he is able to risk that then i don t need him ever in my life. Until its proven othervise i will do my best to thrust him but never will have the same pure love as before. I don t want to spend my time when kids are growing feeling bitter. After not knowing if i will walk again for few months and what will happen with my back i can t imagine anything worse then that. It hurts , it s awful but i think there are worse things in life. Maybe i am trying to put this under the rug but i have no strenght to play detective and obsess. Its simple as that. He will lose so much more if this happens again. If he doesn t love me and wants to exit its ok as long as he sits with me and have guts to say it. If he doesn t act as a moral, mature person then i ll feel no regret for not having him around.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/30/2018 16:13 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Bird. I agree with you. As long as he's been truthful and continues to be truthful, perhaps it can work. You seem to have enough on your plate already. Having to investigate and mull over the details is probably not the best plan right now. On your other note, no one is the same after an affair. As you noted, you don't feel the same. That may not last forever though if your husband is truly remorseful, truthful, and puts the time and effort into helping you heal. As you've also noted, honesty is the most important key to healing. I think that's not too much to ask for. I'm hoping that your prognoses improves and you get back on your feat again. Take care of yourself and keep your great attitude.

The1stWife posted 4/30/2018 16:36 PM

Iím sorry you had to face this on top of your health issues.

You can choose whatever options work for you.

I think you have a solid plan and I wish you the best.

I hope you heal both physically and emotionally. Your children have one strong mama!

Newme2018 posted 4/30/2018 16:49 PM

Hi bird,
I truly wish I had the same wisdom and strong heart when I first discovers the A.

I did lots of things wrong as itís truly turning my world upside down. I grilled my husband for details, investigated thoroughly about both WS and AP. The more I found out the harder to move on.

The affair itself is a wake up call exactly when I felt most content about life - just imagine one is thrown away the cliff when she thought herself at the climax of life.

Looking back, I wish I could have stopped right there and let WS know: this is the last chance for him. I donít want to know more details to get graphical, the only thing I ask for is that if he ever felt attracted to anyone, let me know and we separate right away before he made any move, including flirt. I still appreciate all the happy moments with him over the years and he is still our kidsí father.

Now with too many disgusting details discovered, I constantly struggled to force myself not to mention it front of him. I absolutely regret knowing the details especially the AP is an experienced B**** knowing exactly how to fake to get WS erotic. The another awful thing of investigation is that you can only find out more disgusting facts that you or WS cannot change anyways.

Move on before digging deeper and good luck!

fareast posted 4/30/2018 19:33 PM

Strength to you and your family Bird1. You have your priorities and you know what you can tolerate. So sorry you are going through this. I wish you a speedy return to good health. Best wishes.

concordiaburner posted 4/30/2018 20:49 PM

You don't deserve what happened to you. You get to be very selfish now and think about yourself.

It is impossible to know everything that happens that you didn't see, even with a thorough investigation, and so you are absolutely doing the right thing by not staking your future on learning the truth. You will never feel satisfied.

Things happened. There are reasons they happened that you can explore if you choose to try and reconcile. The reasons matter while the details of what happened to do not.

If you are like me, you will feel moments of weakness and go through his stuff with high, high anxiety. Don't beat yourself up if you do. You are going through something traumatic and will react the way you react. You get to be selfish.

You can't rationalize trust the way you have. What you wrote makes sense written down but you won't feel it. You won't trust him and it will hurt and his trust will have to be earned in small steps over months and maybe years.

Don't tell your kids without a tremendous amount of thought and give it months --- it is not urgent.

You get to give him a second chance if you want. You get to be selfish and if what you want is him, keep him.

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