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BS and WS - An Observation about before and after DDay

sorrowfulmate posted 5/18/2018 09:23 AM

I wanted to put this out in General due to the fact there are some here who can't post in Waywards because of past "Incidents" and I wanted everyone to be able to chime in on these thoughts.

Many times the wayward is told that they have already destroyed the marriage, the BS just doesn't know about it yet. In a way this is true.

I started thinking about the marriage / relationship before DDay in the terms of being in the eye of a hurricane.

Marriage / Relationship before DDay

The eye of a hurricane is eerily quiet. Its like there is almost no storm at all. There is signs of a storm but its almost like the storm is over but it in reality it isn't over.

Just before DDay

Winds are picking up, it looks like a storm is going to hit, but it gets ignored or gaslighted by the WS that everything is fine. That its the imagination or just a rough spot that the relationship is going through.


This is where the wall of the eye hits. The wall of the eye of a hurricane is where winds are the strongest. If we could apply hurricane rating to infidelity I think Hurricane Infidel would be a category 20.

After DDay

There are two ways to go after dday. What happens, I believe, is the WS wants to move back to the eye of the storm. This requires the least amount of work and can be done with few really deep changes.

Surviving Hurricane Infidel requires hard work. The 1000mph winds, the shit flying around, and it simply is not a comfortable place to be. However moving back to the eye means that you will re-enter the storm again at some point.

Moving through Hurricane Infidel as you move away from the eye, the winds become quieter as you move further away from the eye of the storm. As with any emergency you cannot take everything with your. So the wayward must jettison his or her baggage in order to survive this and not be loaded down by it so he or she can help his or her BS through this storm.

During this trip through the eye, the WS must learn new ways of doing things because the old tools were or should have been left behind. At first its hard because the old tools were so familiar, but they don't work in this new situation. If the wayward by chance was hiding an old tool in what he brought with him and tries to use it OR if the betrayed finds the old tool in gear that was packed from the start of the journey the storm starts to get more intense.

This is akin to moving with the storm rather than against the storm to get out of it. If the storm is traveling in a northerly direction It is stupid and counter productive to go north with it. Because if you slow down the journey you will at one point be back to the wall where the storm is too intense.

Moving against the storm is the harder direction, but in a way its also the shorter direction of getting out of the hurricane. The way this happens is the wayward picks up the proper tools and equipment to make the journey and makes an effort to fight the storm and come out on the other side. On the other side, you look around and survey the damage from the storm and then this is where the rebuilding of the pre-affair problems come in.

I know this is an incomplete analogy. The images of the eye, for me, are a good picture of the marriage in the build up of DDay. Unlike a real hurricane, the storms of infidelity circle around the wayward because of their selfishness and their self-centered lives.

So as they live a life of dishonesty, untrustworthy actions, breaking of sexual boundaries, they are building the storm around themselves and the betrayed. The Betrayed has no clue that this storm has been built, but its there and raging outside of their knowledge.

So in that way I think the storm / hurricane analogy works as to the marriage before DDay as being in the eye of a massive shit storm without the betrayed's knowledge that such a storm exists in the first place.

So feel free to tear this down, comment on it, tell me I am full of shit, or that I might be on to something.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

ETA: added words to make it clearer of what I am trying to say

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 9:24 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

Hardroadout posted 5/18/2018 10:23 AM

Having been through several major hurricanes, I think the analogy works.

To take it a little further, after you get out of the storm, there is still much work to do to clean up its destruction.

Rebuilding is hard. Memories and possessions have been sucked out to sea. The house won't be the same house. It may look similar, but it is rebuilt. You have to start with good, strong boards. Can't use the rotten water logged ones left from the storm or it will fall again. Need to make it stronger so that next time a storm comes, it won't be so vulnerable. Sometimes, the damage is so great, people move on to other places.

Life will one day be good again. But it will never be the same.

SI Staff posted 5/18/2018 13:04 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

Zugzwang posted 5/18/2018 14:42 PM

I like the analogy. My wife and I call it the "perfect storm".

Zugzwang posted 5/18/2018 14:47 PM

I will build off your analogy, some of us are lucky to have a lighthouse after the storm in the form of some really good betrayed spouses. That is what I kept envisioning when I read your analogy. My wife and children were a lighthouse and safe harbor. Maybe our APs were male and female harpies. God my wife is going to crack up when she reads this.

Texashunter41 posted 5/18/2018 22:11 PM

Zig- that gave me a laugh...was reading to fast and thought you said bad

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