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Are we to judgmental?

Cicinsajn posted 6/14/2018 05:28 AM

I been in therapy today and i have some triggers about therapy today. My psyhologist say that im to judgmental about cheatr's and affair's because i don't know people's story's and it's not every affair the same..i know that some people are not bad people when cheat's but they have bad behavior when they cheat. I feel realy bad about that she whant for me to understand's some people better and because of that some people after my dday donxt hang whit me any more..because im to judgmental.

Cicinsajn posted 6/14/2018 05:36 AM

I still hurthing after allmost 2year's and some stuff i hear from my psyhologist are not helping she was a cheater..maybe im judgmental..i don't now..i whant some perspective from male friend from my chilhood have dday in 2017.after 13 years of relationship..and i told him that she is cheating..he didn't whant to hear that..and after 8mount's of break up..yes..she admit cheating..and now he don't whant to hang whit me..because i have been right..but i didn't do anything..just told the thrut..

WhoTheBleep posted 6/14/2018 06:26 AM


i know that some people are not bad people when cheat's but they have bad behavior when they cheat

If we don't judge people by their ACTIONS, then what criteria DO we use? Make no mistake, WHILE a person is cheating, and betraying the innocent person who is closest to them, the cheater IS a bad person.

That said, can the cheater dig deep, change their ACTIONS to actions of integrity, come clean, tell the entire truth, work deeply on themselves so cheating and lying never happen again? Absolutely. Can the cheater become a good person? Yes. Is a person who is currently in an affair a "good person?". HECK NO.

No wonder your IC triggered you. He/she sounds like either a wayward or a former wayard (who still has wayward thinking!). Of course the circumstances of affairs are different,but it is ALL still cheating. All cheating is wrong. EA, PA, ons, LTA, serial cheaters, one time "mistake ". It's all cheating, and the effect on the BS is the same. Complete devastation.

No wonder you triggered. I'm so sorry. Perhaps find another IC?

Cicinsajn posted 6/14/2018 07:04 AM

I been whit her for day one..allmost 2years..i feel comfort whit her..but some thing's she say is hurting's not all the time but some day's are there..she love Ester P.i don't..she is to cold for me..

DarkHoleHeart posted 6/14/2018 07:25 AM

Did your IC use "there's always two sides to the story" line?

InsideOutWife posted 6/14/2018 07:59 AM

My IC says the same idea, I think, but in a different way. She didnít say it actually. I said it. But she said it in a way that showed me that the judgment was hurting me and not them. I made the judgment, I felt the anger from the judgement, the hate towards them, I felt the stress of seeing them with my judgment, the mental stress of hating, but it didnít impact them at all. The judgment hurt me not them. Sheís getting me to stop judging because the judgment doesnít matter if itís right or wrong, just that the weight of it is only in me and only hurting me. It doesnít impact them even if Iím right, only me. So stopping isnít to make things easier for them. Itís to make things easier for me. I admit that by trying to stop judging I realized that I always feel like Iím at war when I judge. Itís an exhausting feeling.

Cicinsajn posted 6/14/2018 08:10 AM's not what she say..she say that people who have affairs live in bad relationship or whit partner who is not good mach or not compatibyl to survive bad time in relationship...and then i feel like im resposeble for not good match for him..or that women are more to offer than me..when i look at that i see that she is better match..she have more money,house, sea house, she is now him from childhood, she have same hobbie's like him, same friend's from home town..i see all of that..and when she say that like she validate cheating on me.

Simplicity posted 6/14/2018 08:18 AM

My IC has told me that nothing I did lead him to cheat. However she does talk about things that were not good in the marriage that I can improve, and things to think about for a new relationship. I suppose it is about being more observant of his actions and my own and knowing what is tolerable and what is not. This is in hopes that I can be more aware and be with a stronger person than STBX. Honestly, it is shocking to note how many other instances of weakness I let slide.

No, I don't think we are too judgemental.

Wool94 posted 6/14/2018 08:36 AM

Just because you are comfortable and have been with this IC is not a good reason to stay with him/her. It sounds as if they truly don't understand infidelity.

I am also concerned that she likes Esther Pearl. Esther is a quack in my opinion.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:36 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]

WornDown posted 6/14/2018 09:44 AM

Just because you are comfortable and have been with this IC is not a good reason to stay with him/her. It sounds as if they truly don't understand infidelity.
I am also concerned that she likes Esther Pearl. Esther is a quack in my opinion.


sassylee posted 6/14/2018 10:01 AM


Lawyerman posted 6/14/2018 10:10 AM

I would change to another one. Our MC continuously tries to play down the cheating, as society does in general. I won't let her and she gets stern words from me. But she is helping us be friends again so I sort of put up with it.

My first IC said flat out that my WW was not a liar and a cheat even though she clearly cheated on me and then lied about it. You can't work with someone like that.

My suspicion would be they are wayward themselves.

feelingthenoose posted 6/14/2018 11:13 AM

It sounds like maybe your IC is sympathetic toward waywards, and possibly was one. Unfortunate, but I would probably move along.

BobPar posted 6/14/2018 13:02 PM

I had an IC say that. And if it hadn't been an affair, stbxww would have become an alcoholic, drug addict, or ...

I still see poor coping and communication skills that have nothing to do with me. So many FOO issues that were overlooked to allow blameshifting. To avoid the shame for stbxww?? Beats me.

I would like to know what life story justifies an affair. I can understand how it came about, but that can't make it morally right. So I guess I'm judgmental... and I'm not ok with the IC's controlling use of a label.

[This message edited by BobPar at 1:05 PM, June 14th, 2018 (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/14/2018 13:50 PM

I would find a new therapist as she doesn't seem to get the trauma that comes with infidelity.

I clearly do not see the logic in 'Cheaters are good people' at all sorry!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:52 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]

PlanC posted 6/14/2018 14:04 PM

Being a cheater requires a desire to cheat, plus opportunity, plus poor boundaries, plus no morals.

A ďbad marriageĒ may create the desire to cheat, but it does not excuse or explain the lack of morals.

Perhaps your IC does not believe in moral absolutes. If they di not, then their opinions are as valueless as themself.

MadOldBat posted 6/14/2018 14:06 PM

I would read InsideOutWife's response again.

I think she has explained a complicated thought process very well.....
especially as you feel that YOU may have suffered the loss of some of your friends -
perhaps by being too outspoken, rather than too judgmental.

I'm not saying this because I think that's the right way to handle things necessarily...... but, I have definitely bitten my tongue (not said something that I feel VERY strongly about) with my friends.

Having said all that, if I thought that one of MY friends was being cheated on - I would absolutely have said something.

Relationships can be so tricky after betrayal.


Cicinsajn posted 6/14/2018 15:36 PM

thank you all for replay

jinkazama posted 6/14/2018 21:51 PM


Stop listening to all this crap

And change your psychologist.

Never ever believe that cheater has any valid reason to cheat. Ok!

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