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Allowed to have feelings?

StabbyStab posted 6/14/2018 11:23 AM

First post. We are approx 1.5 months from D-DAY day. BH says he is fully committed to reconcilation. I have maintained NC with AP, am showing full intentions of wanting to discover my why's and build trust. We are in MC, I am scheduled for IC soon.

Here's my dilemma: BH is seeing a divorce attorney today to "figure out" what would happen if I cheat again and he can't take it, and to possibly draft a Post-nuptial agreement. I feel that if he's doing these things, he's not committed to R in full. However, I can see that he wants to protect himself. I feel so very hurt that he is seeing an attorney, but I also know that if I become upset about it openly, it will look suspicious or like I'm being defensive. How do I deal with these feelings that he's not committed to R? I know that R is a gift, and that he is fully within his rights to consult an attorney! Is this just a taste of my own medicine, a mismatch of action and what he tells me? I guess what I'm asking is if I'm justified to be upset over this, and if I should just "suck it up" as part of R?


pinkpggy posted 6/14/2018 11:32 AM

You are in the right place and making good choices with NC and counseling.

Right now, you are not in R you are in recovery mode. Reconciliation takes years and lots of ups and downs and lots of emotions, fears, thoughts and words of divorce, separation, etc. It is not a straight line. You need to enter recovery knowing at some point you may have to lose the marriage in order to save it. You need to know that divorce is ALWAYS an option for a betrayed spouse, even those who were doing well in reconciliation sometimes years out decide they can't do it anymore. It is normal, and when you accept that you can't force an outcome, it will become less emotional for you.

That being said, at about 3 months out my husband also saw a divorce attorney, yes it scared me, but I knew it was for his own peace of mind, he also discussed setting up a post nup with an infidelity clause in it. And he had every right to, it is his security blanket and the price I have to pay for my choice to have an affair and lose all his trust.

You are not justified to be upset, you are justified to be scared and worried for your future. You also would have to consult your own attorney to know what you may be facing if you agree to a post nup.

This is a really really long process, and lots of times his actions will not match his words and vice versa. I am 15 months from dday and I do not consider myself in reconciliation. I still take it day by day. Hopefully your BS will come home and have a discussion with you regarding his meeting and it will take some of your fears away. Good luck, but buckle up, its going to be a bumpy ride!

ETA: He does not have to be committed to "R in full" the fact that he even has his pinky toe dipped into R should be enough right now. There is absolutely no way a BS can be committed in full this early on. You still need to show him you are a safe partner, that takes years.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:45 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]

StabbyStab posted 6/14/2018 11:38 AM

Thank you, pinkpggy, for the encouragement!!

Barregirl posted 6/14/2018 11:44 AM

Hi Stabbystab. Of course you are allowed to have feelings, but they may not matter to your BH just now. I think it's good to be scared and sad that your BH is seeing an attorney. Keeping the potential to lose your M in the back of your mind is great motivation as you begin the incredibly painful and difficult work to become worthy of R. Pinkpggy is 100% right that you are still in recovery. R takes years of hard work to even begin. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but feel what you feel and use it to help you along in the process.

FoenixRising posted 6/14/2018 12:46 PM

Hey. Welcome to club everybody wishes they werenít in with a lot of great people. 😂. Does that even make sense? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I understand how you feel.

In my case, everyone knows about my situation. My parents remind me of my scarlet letter. Friends (?) do too. For crying out loud, my parents gave me coal for Xmas. Iím 38. Like come on. Anyhow, the only person who not made me feel like piece a shit about this is BS. Heís never made me feel small or pointed to my scarlet letter, which is truly remarkable considering he is the one that had every right to do so. Fast forward a few months and I come downstairs and see him doing something with his tools by the door. Upon further investigation, I see heís installing a video camera. My heart sunk. I wanted to cry. I didnít say anything. I thought. And thought. While it may be not my favorite thing and I think it extremely unnecessary, he did that for him. So that he feels safe. And if that somehow pads his heart and Iím not hiding anything, why should it bother me? I did have an affair. I did lie to him. I have to be ok with him protecting himself. So... now we have video cameras at our door Theyíve been there for a month. I forget about them... until he uses the voice monitor on them to talk to me when heís at work and it freaks me the fuck out bc I always think thereís stranger danger in my house for a sec. then I call him on the phone and I tell him heís a creepster and he laughs and says he enjoys messing with me. Itís a real hoot.

My point is that if this is what he needs to do to make himself feel safe enough to commit to R, let him do it. If he comes home with a document for you to sign, Stating if you cheat again... blah blah blah... be honest. If you donít want to sign, donít. I know that I wouldnít have signed anything at that point in time And even now I would counter with something of the same I imagine. But if heís trying to make sure that heís going to be ok financially and what not if you do part ways, support him in that.
Good luck to you. Keep posting.

Lucky77 posted 6/14/2018 13:01 PM

Us guys always have a need to be doing something active. Your H was stripped of his power by your A. He has a primal need to have some control of what he sees as a helpless emasculating experience. Talking to a lawyer about options gives him some control back to his life.

StabbyStab posted 6/14/2018 13:08 PM

Thanks you guys/ gals. Really. If it makes him feel better, then that's what he needs to do! I likely will not sign anything until I find an attorney of my own and have it reviewed. I hate that I've done this, and appreciate you all for helping me navigate.

Zugzwang posted 6/14/2018 13:53 PM

Use this to feel empathy and remorse for him. Not just regret and selfishness. How about you take how you feel and flip it to understand how he felt when you cheated? How would you advice him to deal with his feelings that you WERE NOT committed to the marriage? Not a maybe like he is but a yes, you weren't and did show it by cheating. You say you know it, but you really aren't feeling it or doing it. You aren't justified. Everyone has feelings. Just focus on if you should be feeling that. Sorry, it is scary and it hurts but this is a suck it up type of situation with this question. I doubt he is doing this to hurt you or give you a taste of your own medicine. He is doing it to protect himself and he doesn't trust you. You can say a hundred times you will never cheat again. It is going to take years for him to believe that.

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