SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

brkenagain posted 6/19/2018 23:46 PM

I finally filed last week after not being able to trust through 5 affairs I know about over 12 years. He is now acting like it’s no big thing and it’s killing me. Even stopped wearing his ring. I feel like 18 years together meant nothing and I’m crumbling. How after you caused so much pain can you seem fine and then tell me how I never recovered or acted as close. My god I can’t stop crying and I know I needed to file but want so badly to feel something other than hurt. He has done more to me than anyone should have to live wth and yet he can’t even give a shit. I’m dying here. I just don’t see a light and all I feel is pain and days are so long putting on brace face for three kids whom we just told today!!! God I’m broken

BearlyBreathing posted 6/19/2018 23:50 PM

((((Brkenagain)))) it is so hard, we know. But he is just continuing to show you he is not a good person. And he is toxic for you.

Promise it gets better. But at first it hurts a ton.

I am sorry he is horrible. Hang in there, dear lady. You will survive. And you will thrive.

Cacatlady posted 6/20/2018 00:08 AM

I hear you and felt/feel the same way. He acts like our entire 34 year history, married for 16, means nothing to him. I was in so much shock and pain that I was numb. I get it. Your entire world went up in flames. It sucks and it takes time. Hang in there.

TrustGone posted 6/20/2018 00:11 AM

Unfortunately you have to grieve the loss of who you thought he was, compared to who he really is. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and that is perfectly normal at this time.

Please know that you will survive this, even though it doesn't feel that way now. You have to go threw the stages of grief to get to the other side and there is no way around it. He is toxic and the only way to get rid of the grief and get to indifference is to feel what you feel, then try to let it go.

It took me months of crying, not sleeping, not eating, and feeling like my life was over. I am now married to a wonderful man with integrity. It took me years to get to get to indifference, but it is a wonderful feeling once you get there.(((HUGS)))

WhoTheBleep posted 6/20/2018 06:32 AM

(((brkenagain)))

It's going to be a process, and you are just going to have to go through it, day by day. Minute by minute.

I promise, that once he is gone and you get some real physical and emotional distance, you will begin to see him for who he really is. I see my WH more and more clearly everyday.

I have him blocked on everything but email. For some idiotic reason, I agreed to talk to him face to face when he dropped the kids off a few days ago. He was trying to convince me to drop my lawyer and just sign divorce papers. No CS, no alimony, less than 50% of our assets, etc. Not happening. Then he started in on what a bad wife I was (THIS useless shit is why I don't talk to him. He is sick in the head). He then said something so disgusting and hurtful. The old WTB would have fallen apart and raged. This new stronger bleep just looked at him like he was an alien species. I was disgusted to be in the same atmosphere as him. There was vague dull distant pain, but it went away quickly and I left his presence. He raged when I walked away. I didn't stay and listen? And turn his insults inward? How dare I?

He is pathetic. So is your WH. There ARE horrible people that walk among us. Your WH is one of them. You will WANT to be as far away from him as possible, once you see him clearly.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:33 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

chinaandback posted 6/20/2018 11:10 AM

I'm so sorry. You took a big step and I can tell you that the pain will lessen. There will be good days and bad and eventually the good days will outnumber the bad. I got through it day by day by trying to focus on our daughter. You have 3 kids who need you. They don't need you to be strong everyday, they just need you. You did not deserve someone who had affairs. Reach out to people who love you during this time. Saying a prayer for you for comfort from this pain.

honesttoafault posted 6/20/2018 21:22 PM

I know how much pain you're in and it hurts to see him not appear to have any.

I read an article a long time ago about how one partner might start distancing themselves even years before the actual breakup, whether or not infidelity was involved. YOU didn't know it was going on. He had a long head start in the distancing and it's very, very painful to be hit with it like this.

I know how it feels not to be able to see a light. I felt like that with xWH#1. It took a long time and therapy to start to be able to see through the heavy veil of pain, but it will happen. Right now, do what you can today for yourself and your kids. Post here, force yourself to get out and take a walk, journal, talk to trusted friends. You will do this.

DevastatedDee posted 6/21/2018 10:30 AM

Brkenagain, there is a whole world out there waiting to shine for you. You've been living in darkness for so long that you probably don't realize how bad it truly has been. You are saving yourself. I promise you things will look so much better on the other side of an abusive marriage. You won't even believe it. Imagine a day when everything you do is perfectly acceptable from the way you brush your teeth, the food you cook, the toilet paper brand you buy, the way you drive...you are so much less broken than he's made you believe you are. He's broken and pretty much stuck being that way. You can heal.

cancuncrushed posted 6/22/2018 21:42 PM

My H just left 5.5 weeks ago. I finally insisted on lie detector again after years of avoiding it. He wanted to be sexual. I demanded std panel and lie detector. He left me. It’s obvious. It was always obvious.

I’m still feeling the pain you described. I did fine for two weeks then he got nasty and sneaky with D demands. He tends to drop weekly bombs of threats It has made things worse for me. I didn’t see this coming. His leaving or my anxiety from his threats. It’s tough. I can’t control him so I can’t control the anxiety. I am NC. But he manages to get news to me. I can’t believe how little I mean to him. But I also know he wants to appear that way. And will exaggerate to hurt me. It’s more head games. I hope he feels pain when he sees how done I am. I’m not playing.

He is still dishonest no integrity no character. Will do anything to hurt me. Absolutely anything.

That will get me over this and thru this faster then anything else. I hate him.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:46 PM, June 22nd (Friday)]

brkenagain posted 6/23/2018 07:11 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this also. Yeah my therapist said I would never know how he is feeling since he will put up a wall o protect himself and come at you with different personalities to see if one sticks. I have seen all the same things you have as of late. He is so cold and mean, ten nice and understanding. Yesterday he was crying and in disbelief. By bedtime last night he was asking me to come back and sleep in our bed, since I’m on couch and hen was joking with me trying to grab my chest. We will never understand the inside of someone brain who doesn’t think logically. Cancun I wish you nothing but he best and one thing I am told a lot is that he will realize what he has at some point but it will be too late. Hang in there!!!! I am now taking a Mac at bed time to calm me since I had a few sleepneaa nights crying. Why can’t people just be good humans!!!!

Ripped62 posted 6/26/2018 05:13 AM

Why can’t people just be good humans!!!!

I do not know. I have the same thought often. Things we learned at 5 years others never grasped .... like truth, sharing, being nice.

MisterUsed posted 6/26/2018 17:59 PM

It's been a long time since I posted here, but I was compelled to stop in today. Your post resonated with me, and I wanted to tell you a few things that I've learned. Right now, I know that right now what I have to say probably won't mean much to you because you're hurting so bad right now. But here's what I've learned from going through this horrible, horrible experience:

1. It's okay to be hurt.

Sometimes I felt like I was letting other people down, including myself, by hurting. Everyone wanted to know why I was hurting when they all felt like I should be angry. If you want to be hurt, be hurt.

2.This doesn't have to be the end of your life

I say this as a person who actually tried to kill himself over his XWW leaving him. Feel your pain, get on meds if needed, and move.

3. Move

I had to make a deal with myself. Work out for 30 minutes, and then you can lie on the couch and cry for the rest of the night. Guaranteed: After 30 minutes on the treadmill, you'll feel better than you otherwise would've. Daily exericse, though the last thing you'll want to do, is the best thing you can do.

4. Accept

If, every day, you tell yourself that your marriage is over, the faster you'll move ahead with your healing. That worked for me anyway. It's that "fake it until you make it" mentality. But accept that you two are not on the same team anymore, and basically, he is your enemy now. He chose to betray you, and this is the consequence of his actions.

5. Respect Yourself

When I was in your place, I would've agreed to almost anything to get my wife back. But here's the thing: no matter what you think, the person you're seeing in your partner is who he really is. This is the hardest thing to grasp. The person hurting you is the same person who once swore he would love you forever. It'll take some time for your heart and head to say the same thing.

Also, I've found that listening to sleep hypnosis on YouTube has been a great help. I've found some that work for my situation and the change has been remarkable.

Good luck and hugs to you.

MU

brkenagain posted 6/27/2018 07:12 AM

Misterused, thank you so much for that. I am someone that works out so I have found it helps even though I have lost some motivation lately. I keep getting told I’m sad over someone he never was but only what I was hoping he would be. I am taking it one day at a time. If I don’t cry for a couple days I am grateful for the break:)