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I am New And Sad

Intown28 posted 9/3/2018 17:15 PM

Wow I just found out my husbands been having an affair on me for over 2 years I always suspected he was but everytime I mentioned it to him he told me I was stupid and insecure he blamed me for everything.So I hired someone and found out who it was exactly of course someone I expected a couple years back..So this is were I am at he has moved out and im going to my lawyer and starting proceedings...The sad part is if he wasn't happy why didn't he just be honest and leave from the getgo...I have been married for 11 yrs and have a 11 yr old any great advice would be great....

Wool94 posted 9/3/2018 17:50 PM

Intown28, welcome to the best club you've never wanted to join.

You are among friends who've walked in your shoes.

Great job on seeing a lawyer. Find out your rights.

What you are going through is pure hell. There's not an easy way to get through it, but you will and we can help.

How are you taking care of yourself?

First, you need to see your physician. STD testing should be in order.

This is nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't cause this, he did. Read and re-read that last line.

Explain to your dr what's going on. They've probably seen it a million times.

They can help with anxiety, depression, not sleeping.

You need all of these to be able to make good clear decisions.

On that note, stay away from the alcohol. Like I said you need to make good clear decisions.

I'm proud of the way you've handled yourself so far.

Keep up the great work and keep posting.

DesertLily posted 9/3/2018 20:10 PM


Welcome to SI.

I'm so sorry that your sad and hurting. Finding out about infidelity is traumatic. Grief, sadness, and rage are all apart of the emotional rollercoaster that you'll be riding for some time to come.

Please take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. Sleep, eat healthy, drink lots of water as crying dehydrates the body. And see your doctor and get tested for STDs.

The Healing Library has a wealth of information on how to navigate out of infidelity. And browse other forums, like Divorce/Separation. You'll get lots of advice from others walking the same path.

Good for you for seeing an attorney so quickly. That's often a first step toward regaining your power.

Wool is absolutely correct in saying that none of this is your fault. You were in the same marriage, with the same problems and you didn't commit adultery. His cheating and lying is all on him.

When your W(ayward) H(usband) told you that you were stupid and insecure for questioning his fidelity, that's a classic cheater tactic called gaslighting. And blaming you for everything is also a classic cheater tactic. Both are very emotionally abusive. Please consider getting yourself into therapy. I did and it has been a life saver.

Getting out of infidelity is a long, arduous journey filled with progress and setbacks. But you will survive.

Wishing you strength and peace.

heartbroken_kk posted 9/4/2018 17:10 PM

Hi Intown28, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It sucks that your WH didn't have the decency to refrain from cheating and refrain from lying about it. What a coward.

Good thing going to the lawyer, make sure you protect yourself and your child! Even if he tries to nice you back, stick with the plan to file for D and get a child support order on file immediately. If he's moved out make sure you file for custody and make him pay for the costs of caring for your child.

What others said about it not being your fault is 100% true, you didn't force him to cheat, that's his dumb and selfish decision and you had no say in the matter. Him blaming you for everything is straight out of the cheater's handbook, they do that to make themselves not feel so guilty, they have to make you out to be the bad guy to justify their behavior.

Keep posting here, there are lots of people who have walked your path and we are here to help. Can you update on what's going on, how are you feeling today?

annb posted 9/5/2018 10:01 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of this club no one wants to join.

You will find a great deal of support from those who have walked in your shoes.

I suggest you head on down to the Divorce section, there are members who can guide you through the process.


Ripped62 posted 9/5/2018 10:30 AM

Please do not accept his attempt to shift blame to you. You will fond that wayward spouses do not do the honorable thing and inform you or anyone about what the truth is or what they are up to and act accordingly. They do this because they cannot handle who they are and what they have done.

His cheating is on him. He made a number of decisions and executed a number acts to engage in his affair. You did not trip him and make him fall into a vagina. This is his to own. He gets all of it including the consequences. Unfortunately, we as betrayed spouses get a tremendous amount of pain and trauma from their betrayal. Cheaters will lie and then lie some more. Therefore, believe nothing he says and 50% of his actions.

If you need to detach from him a technique called the 180 helps. It will give you the space you need to enable you to make decisions that are in the best interests of you and your son. Basically, the only things you would talk to him about on an infrequent basis are kids and finances.

Please look after yourself. This is a difficult time but will get better. Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. We are on this journey with you and will be with you as you get out of infidelity.

Wool94 posted 9/5/2018 11:57 AM

It's been a few days since you posted. How are you?

CrossedArrow posted 9/5/2018 12:20 PM

Here is a recommendation (I rarely listen to my own advice):

Don't spend much energy trying to figure out why bad people are bad people. It is just that simple.

I am sorry for you and for what you are going through. It is time for you to only focus on yourself. Otherwise, this demon you call a husband will wait for the right time to do it again.

Intown28 posted 9/7/2018 15:58 PM

Thanku for all the warm welcomes and support I guess being here isn't something I wished for but now that im here it feels nice and everyone on here from the usa im in Canada...actually I came home the other day to what I thought was an empty house but he had someone stage it for pictures so I called my lawyer right away and we are ging to put a lean on everything the house is under his mums name but my lawyer said it doesn't matter its my place of residence for the past 14 years and I,m raising my daughter here...Imagine this guy is a piece of work....he also told me that he hasn't been here for a year and a half which is not true he got thrown out last aug for hitting me.....then in jan took us all to mexico and told everyone else he just went with his daughter.....the 180 is a very good thing I keep it has an icon on my cell phone to remind myself...its hard sometimes I monkey brain...another great site is the heros spouse

Wool94 posted 9/7/2018 16:06 PM

There is a big Canadian presence here along with many from all around the world.

Sounds like you are thinking clearly.

Keep up the good work.

The1stWife posted 9/7/2018 16:43 PM

I hope you realize you having been living with a nut job.

I feel sorry for you but it sounds as if you have been in a rocky marriage. He sounds a bit crazy.

I hope your drama level decreases after you are D.

Intown28 posted 9/7/2018 16:47 PM

were do we go to see what all the abbreviations are

Intown28 posted 9/7/2018 16:54 PM

I hope so to everyday is different...just pushing a chef and use to love cooking at home and going out to eat with the family now I don't do any of sure with time I will get my old self back and hanging out here mite just be a good thing

StillStanding1 posted 9/7/2018 17:13 PM

I’m sorry you had to become part of our club, but welcome!

Abbreviations can be found by clicking on the Healing Library in the upper left yellow box. Top of the page has FAQs and the first one listed is abbreviations ! you’ll have them down in no time!

Intown28 posted 9/7/2018 17:40 PM


Intown28 posted 9/7/2018 17:44 PM

Why do they never admit to it even when they get caught I cant understand

Intown28 posted 9/7/2018 17:48 PM

Oh My I just went to the healing library and clicked on links and I clicked on a divorce group put my postal code in and there is one 5 mins from me lol

wordsofwisdom posted 9/7/2018 18:53 PM

The sad part is if he wasn't happy why didn't he just be honest and leave from the getgo
The reason is he is mentally sick. He liked it this way: marriage comfort and excitement of tryst. But a good news is that when you leave him you may realize how good your life and your new relationships may feel compared to this excruciating experience of living with an abusive person who pretends to be your husband.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 6:56 PM, September 7th (Friday)]

Intown28 posted 9/17/2018 17:35 PM

Felt Like popping in having a down day today.I always try to follow the 180 it helps sometimes but not always... I know he is not a nice person for the things he has friends say that the abuse part is a deal breaker. I was at court on Thursday and Did not drop the charges going back on the 29th of nov and then I will decide weather press charges or give him one year of probation. Im not sure why I feel bad most of the time he was the one who cheated on me and hit me bit he always made me believe it was my fault...He was a good gaslighter lol I wasn't the perfect wife but I don't think I deserve what he did and the sad part out of all this is that he said he never hit me can you imagine that.

Skan posted 9/18/2018 19:41 PM

Never reward bad behavior, Intown28. It only brings on more bad behavior. Don't drop any assault or domestic violence charges. As a matter of fact, if you can get a restraining order, that might be a good idea. Things like visitation for your child can be arranged by drop offs at either court or at your local police office if needed.

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