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Support and Where to go from here?Advice

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beenthereinco posted 9/6/2018 08:23 AM

ATF,
Sorry you are here. Some logistic advice here. Just add new posts rather than edit the top one. Most people won't see your edits if they've already read the first post.

I wouldn't go with your WW for your birthday dinner. She sounds like she is using your daughter to manipulate you. You've given her a small taste of the 180 and she doesn't like it. You really need to take it further and not cave in here.

She has not ended the A. That is clear from her locking you out of her phone and accounts. You cannot Reconcile with someone that is still actively in an Affair. You should not attend MC with someone actively in an Affair. When she says "I wish there was something I could do" do you tell her she could stop having a BF?

I really think you are going to need to file for Divorce here. You may not have to go through with it but your WW seems to not be in touch with reality. Stop going to MC and spend that money on an attorney now.

Cooley2here posted 9/6/2018 08:39 AM

This is a little lesson on dealing with people, possibly your wife. If you look at moods then depression/happiness goes from 0 to 10. 10 is euphoria and we donít live in that very much. It is falling in love, riding a roller coaster, getting a new job, driving a new car, getting a raise. We want that good feeling to last forever but it dissipates and thank goodness it does because none of us would get anything done. Most of us, if we are emotionally healthy, live at about 7, 8, or 9 depending on how the day goes. There are people who live at three or four. I think they are often the ones who cheat because it gives them some fun which is a crazy thing to say, but texting 1 billion times, sneaking around, making plans, meeting up in hotels all give that sense of euphoria/contentment that is missing in their lives. Those of us who are reasonably healthy go into a panic when we fall to 2, 3, 4, or even a 5, but those people who live with those types of depression have no clue what it feels like to be reasonably content every day. They are constantly chasing something because thereís nothing inside. Those of you who are involved with people who threaten suicide are dealing with very manipulative people but they are probably also depressed as hell. You canít fix them

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:41 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

fareast posted 9/6/2018 09:00 AM

I agree with others that your WW is not currently remorseful and you need to,do the 180 for your own healing. Stop the MC. She needs to be in IC.

If your young daughter wants the family to go,out for your bday, do it. There is no need to put your children in the middle. If your WW persists on needing to know what is wrong, IMO there is nothing wrong with calmly explaining that nothing you did caused her to cheat. If she was unhappy in the M she had lots of other, better options to deal with it. There is never a good rationalization for betraying your spouse. She is blameshifting to help her alleviate her own guilt and shame. The only person responsible for her lying to you, deceiving you, and having sex with another man is her. Period. You need to lay out your boundaries for any possibilities to rebuild your relationship. Ending her A. Complete transparency and honesty. A written No Contact letter to AP you approve. A written detailed timeline of her A.

Good luck.

OrdinaryDude posted 9/6/2018 16:21 PM

Great points and advice thus far, not much to add other than recommending that you spend some time reading in The Healing Library, linked in the upper left corner, and that you continue reading and posting here in the forum.

The best way to make use of the forum is to make it a two way conversation, so keep posting.

Robert22205https posted 9/6/2018 17:04 PM

You've just been run over by a truck and need 90 days minimum to heal. You are the victim not your wife. Your wife's behavior (and your response) is pretty much textbook. This isn't your fault and this forum can help you.

Tell your wife that your initial response to her choice to cheat is D because it's a deal breaker ... but you've been advised by your attorney to give her a final answer in 90 days. Go hard 180.

During that time it's up to her to convince you to stay...otherwise it's D.

The1stWife posted 9/6/2018 18:16 PM

Iím sorry you are here. What I am most surprised by is the fact that you have some medical issues which your wife seems to resent.

That is just so selfish!!!

You need a counselor for you - to deal with your current t situation. You did not neglect her. That is utter crap.

I hate when cheaters use that line. Itís so ridiculous because it shows the cheater will justify the A in any way possible.

You could turn around and say the same thing to her. She neglected you. She did not support you. Blah blah blah

Itís never a reason to cheat. Find a better counselor just for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:17 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

DesertLily posted 9/6/2018 18:31 PM

Happy Birthday!

No words of advice on the dinner issue, just to do what feels best for you. But I do think your WW will try and use the evening to her advantage. Try and pull you out of the 180.

If it were me, I'd just go with the kids. Focus on them.

freedomfromabuse posted 9/6/2018 19:00 PM

I am very sorry but you need a divorce and you need it yesterday.

I know you love your wife and that makes you a lovely human, but unfortunately you've married someone who betrays you, blames you and then would like to make birthday plans. Is this what YOU want in a wife? I hope not. You deserve better.

It's difficult now but it won't be difficult forever. Having this person out of your life will bring you peace and happiness. It won't be easy and I am sorry this is happening to you, but your wife is not your friend and you need to protect yourself.

Lawyer up. Keep communication to emails and texts as much as possible, get an STD test and stay sane because cheaters love it when you lose your sh*t. Be responsible, be clear on your boundaries.

YOU only control YOU. Love doesn't heal a cheater.

Good luck to you.

allthefeels5050 posted 9/6/2018 19:31 PM

*Update*

I hope I'm doing this right by posting as a reply instead of my own post. My wife kept at me to talk and I finally said, sure I'd talk whenever she was ready. She said I'm ready now. That when I sent her this...it was a journal entry I made with the advice here so it might read a little weird.

Iíve been thinking about everything all wrong. "Wife" is not the victim here, I am. She has been blameshifting to alleviate her own guilt, shame, selfishness, and brokenness. Cheating has nothing to do with the state of a marriage. She cheated because she wanted to and felt entitled to do so. The only person responsible for lying, betrayal, deceiving, and having sex with another man is her. Cheating is not a marital problem, it is a character problem. If there are problems in the marriage you communicate with your spouse, if that doesn't work then you try marriage counseling, if that doesn't work then perhaps trying a trial separation where you both remain faithful to your vows. If that doesn't work & you've tried everything else then you might decide to divorce. Due to this, marriage counseling can do no good until "Wife" chooses to fix herself with individual counseling. She also shows no signs of reconciliation or remorse, all of her online accounts are on lock down. To me this means she is still involved in an affair. I donít believe I can continue with marriage counseling at this time until she figures out how to stop hurting people in this way and to fix herself. In order for me to stay in this marriage I would need NO Contact FOREVER with the affair partner, agreement to FULL transparency and on demand access to her phone and ALL electronic devices and passwords, an agreement to individual counseling and the signing of a Postnup with an infidelity clause in my favor.

I used everyone's advice. Though I'm not sure if I should have sent this, but its too late now. We just talked tonight and she said she'd like to continue with the divorce at this time. She said she's looking for an apartment and already trying to have me pick what days I will have the kids and wants to be civil and split everything up 50/50.

What are everyone's thoughts on this latest development. My heart is currently in my stomach, but I just agreed that we should continue with the divorce.

[This message edited by allthefeels5050 at 7:34 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

wordsofwisdom posted 9/6/2018 20:13 PM

5050, your journal entry is a piece of gem. Your heart is currently in your stomach, but you will recover from this. Just stay determined, self-aware, kind, and honest to yourself as you are doing it now.

The1stWife posted 9/6/2018 21:14 PM

She gave up that easy?? What is wrong with her that she would not even try? Is she that selfish?

I guess she is that much of a coward. Too cowardly to fix herself or even try.

How sad!

fareast posted 9/6/2018 21:44 PM

Your response was spot on and ďtruthĒ. She is too self absorbed and committed to her own lies to see it. Stay strong. You will get thru this to a better place. Keep this in mind: she can lie to herself all she wants, but YOU can not R with an unremorseful spouse. Period. Very sorry you have to go thru this. Strength to you moving forward.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:46 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

OneInTheSame posted 9/6/2018 22:22 PM

(((((allthefeels5050)))))

I am so sorry for the trauma your WW put you through when all she needed to do was tell you she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. It sounds like she took the long, hard route, the one that leaves nothing in its wake but pain and destruction. My guess is that she has been checked-out of the marriage for a long time.

Please research and practice self-compassion. You are an emotionally-abused husband, and your best move is to find a good therapist to help you recover from the damage she has done to you. My heart breaks for you.

The next thing you must tend to is protecting your daughter from any further damage that this messy situation your wife has forced upon you may have already done to her. Depending on her age, awareness of the stress, and her own needs, IC for her may be in order. A supportive therapist might be able to help prevent future issues that often do not get addressed in such volatile situations. She must not become a pawn, and she must know you are there for her. I am also thinking maybe if you provide her with supportive therapy it might help you if your wife becomes difficult over visitation, etc. Oh, ouch, I wish you all the best. (((another hug)))

And I must add my "amen" to the fact that you did nothing wrong, nothing that makes your wife's assertion that you caused this anything but her mean and cruel fantasy. Blame-shifting is one of infidelity's most hideous weapons. It is natural to let it mess with your mind, but the sooner you can get control of those erroneous thoughts, the better.

I, too, can't believe the cruelty your wife has heaped on you after all you have given for your family. You are a gem. It will take time to recover, and you should allow yourself that time, but if you seek another relationship, you will be the wiser, better, and stronger person -- and that will attract women to you who value those things. Do not be in a hurry. You get to be the sane and reasonable parent now, the one who teaches his daughter by example how to treat others and how to expect others to treat you.

And by the way, posting a response in your original thread is the most efficient way to carry on a conversation here. If you spend time reading other's posts, you will soon learn when it might be appropriate or necessary or easiest to start a new topic.

Ponus18 posted 9/6/2018 22:28 PM

You did the right thing 5050. Your write-up should be cut and pasted and used as a model for others in the future.

You took a stand, spoke the truth, and smoked her out - her interest in the M is zero and much better to know that now as youíre dealing with the fallout of her A rather than being tortured over many months or years thinking R is possible or even a good idea. You canít have a M if youíre the only one on it.

Iím sorry for you that your WW feels this way but itís her loss. Youíll be ok. Move ahead with the D and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

redbaron007 posted 9/7/2018 02:12 AM

What are everyone's thoughts on this latest development. My heart is currently in my stomach, but I just agreed that we should continue with the divorce.

You will NEVER regret divorcing a cheater. EVER. Not one instance out here of a BH regretting his decision to divorce a cheater. You can, and will do better. Good luck, my friend.

ShutterHappy posted 9/7/2018 02:39 AM

Edit: I forgot to refresh and didnít see your update. Wow, youíre doing great. Keep on being strong and determined, focus on what will be best for your children. They will need one adult parent in all this.

ó-

Itís hard. Find your anger and be as hard as steel. Like this:

ďIíve done the pick me dance, but most people do at the begining, so what? I donít share my bed with a random deseased woman, thatís gross. She notices but thatís irrelevant, my goal is to detach. I donít wear my wedding band, as my ex-wife has a boyfriend now. Woah, have you seen this cute woman at the grocery? I donít go to MC with her, there is no marriage. She now makes lots of noise with her mouth, but I stay calm and determinedĒ

If it makes you feel better, it took me years to rach that point, but there was no internet in those days :)

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:50 AM, September 7th (Friday)]

jesebeard posted 9/7/2018 03:10 AM

Getting the divorce done is probably the best option you have for yourself and for your children. Don't hesitate, also consider yourself and the pain you have gone through.

Lalagirl posted 9/7/2018 06:30 AM

she said she'd like to continue with the divorce at this time. She said she's looking for an apartment and already trying to have me pick what days I will have the kids and wants to be civil and split everything up 50/50.

Civil...how very noble of her <insert sarcasm here> Let the attorneys handle the division of property and other legal matters. That's what you're paying him or her for.

You should make it perfectly clear that you are in agreement on the D, and that there is to be NC with the exception of discussion (via e-mail or text) related to child and finances. You are not going to be her friend.

In order for you to heal, you need to be NC as much as feasibly possible. Continue IC. Do things for YOU. Because every time she comes crying or blubbering (she puts on a hell of a show IMHO), it sets you back.

We'll be here for you...you're doing great all things considered, but please remember to take care of you.

Peace...

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:31 AM, September 7th (Friday)]

Widower posted 9/7/2018 07:25 AM

allthefeels5050

You have done exceptionally well.

You understood and acted on the advice with a speed that very few new posters manage.

Even on the limited information set available, it is very clear that ATM WW is not a candidate for R.
Do not do the 'pick me dance' to try to win her back; that never works and will make you very miserable.

As the A is probably ongoing, and WW is not at all remorseful I strongly recommend that you adopt the hard 180.

The 180 strategy can be found in the healing library along with much other useful information. The 180 is designed to help you gain detachment and clarity. The 180 will send WW the message that you do not need her and are preparing for life without her. The 180 will be a signal to WW that you are not her plan B.

In the 180 you have full interaction with WW only on matters such as childcare, finances and of course D.

You are just polite and distant on all other matters.

You are no longer WW's support system, so no more gestures of appreciation or affection.

It is also a very good idea to journal your time and efforts in childcare, and of course any of WW's slip-ups. Such journals can be used in evidence at custody hearings (some locations).

Stay Strong

mantorok posted 9/7/2018 07:48 AM

5050,

Sorry you're here. Just wanted to vouch for the 180, after probably about a month of doing a hard 180 I've felt a lot better whilst my WW continues the A and D is in progress.

At first it's hard, but stick to the rules, print them out if you have to, read them daily, there will be slip-ups but as long as you acknowledge those slip-ups and learn from them you will get back on the horse very quickly.

I'm telling you this as someone 2 months from Dday that it does get better, right now you may not see it that way, it's difficult to pick yourself up from this but know that it can be done, commit yourself to you and the children, tune her out of your mind and you will feel a whole lot better.

Sometimes your WW may fish to get a reaction from you, do not take the bait, do not react to anything said via any form of communication, it's tricky I know because we are so fuelled with anger and resentment. Always give yourself a minute before responding to anything, and make sure the response is NEVER emotional, it will only set you back.

Strength to you man.

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