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Support and Where to go from here?Advice

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allthefeels5050 posted 9/7/2018 16:08 PM

I had minimal communication with my wife over the course of today. Today after work my wife finally addresses that journal entry that I sent her the day before with just a few words. "I don't know how you when from loving me to hating me in just one day". I just responded with "I don't hate you at all, I just have needs." I guess the 180 is now in full effect. I had to get away from the house for a bit today. I just went to a local church, sat down in the sanctuary and prayed for a couple hours. Really felt some peace after that. At least for this moment I'm feeling pretty good.

Jduff posted 9/7/2018 16:54 PM

allthefeels5050, you are getting a great start on your journey out of infidelity. Your WW actually did you a huge favor by telling you that she wants to proceed with divorce. There is no more ambiguity with regard to how the marriage will go. It is pretty clear now and she saved you from the agony of being in limbo while she sat on the fence and enjoyed the attention of two men.

Stay on the 180, but now refocus all of your time, attention, and resources of just being a great father for your kids, taking good care of yourself, and getting a good lawyer to handle the business process of a divorce. Be the man who speaks through actions. Definitely support her decision to get an apartment. She's doing this so the OM can visit her freely without you knowing. She's also likely doing this hoping to call off the D later, hence her wanting to continue with the D "at this time". Be stingy with the days you want the kids. If your side of the family are local and can help lean on them for support. See if your attorney can draft it up for official separation filing and make those days official. Usually it helps set precedence for custody determination in D process. Plus, actual separation papers makes the shit feel "real", followed by D papers. Best to get advise from your lawyer. Ask if you can name the OM in the filings somehow. Most of those fuckers don't like drama and will bail. They just want free and easy ass.

DesertLily posted 9/7/2018 17:14 PM

Hugs, 5050.

I'm glad you found some peace. The praying was good for you, continue it.

Your WW did you a huge favor by not subjecting you to months of false R. It's obvious by her actions that she is still deep in the affair.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but you will survive and thrive as you journey out of infidelity.

Peace and strength.

Marz posted 9/7/2018 17:33 PM

No contact means no contact. Many talk it but never achieve it.

A hard 180 is the best path for you now. If you don't this will just be a lot longer and painfull that it needs to be.

I would do exposure just to clear the air. It may get this off your chest and get you some closure.

It's best not to live on hopium. You'll get the lets be "friends" thing but that's for her not you.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Fully awaken to who she is and what you're dealing with.

Get to an attorney pronto

RubixCubed posted 9/7/2018 19:21 PM

"I don't know how you when from loving me to hating me in just one day".

Pretty hypocritical considering she broke her vows and had an ongoing relationship and sex with another man. Seems she went from loving you to hating you. Your reaction is just a symptom to her being the problem.

As Marz mentioned above GET A LAWYER NOW! She will not go about this amicably, no matter what she says. The quoted line above shows she is putting the blame on you and in doing so she will think she needs to be rewarded. A lawyer can make sure you have your bases covered. Do not go by anything she tells you ( you already know she's a liar), go solely by her actions. You will be doing yourself a huge favor getting the divorce rolling as quickly as possible to get rid of this toxic tumor you are married to.

ShutterHappy posted 9/7/2018 19:50 PM

ďI donít know why, you were a loving husband, and I cheated, fucked another man, and now youíre not nice to meĒ

There, fixed it for her.

Robert22205https posted 9/7/2018 20:43 PM

Congratulations on standing up to her. She revealed her true goals so you saved yourself months/years of pain trying to R with this damaged woman.

She is not the person you married. She's no longer your friend and can't be trusted (and sounds irrational).

Sounds like she's deep in a relationship with OM and it's been going on a long time.

Don't chat with her or respond to text or emails of a personal manner (like why do you hate me?).

Under the circumstances the least destructive and painful strategy is to get out of infidelity asap.

Full steam ahead with the D and get her to agree to custody and finances while she's in dream world and happy to be free to pursue her affair.

Butforthegrace posted 9/7/2018 22:46 PM

I don't know how you when from loving me to hating me in just one day

In SI speak, they'd say: "That is total wayward language."

In Butfor speak: "What a fucking bitch."

Smillie posted 9/8/2018 01:28 AM

File for divorce, donít tell her you are doing it, just have her served. Afterwards if she is sorry and tries to fix things then you can think about reconciliation. If she isnít sorry then you should expose her to her family and friends telling them why you are divorcing.

Stevesn posted 9/8/2018 04:41 AM


Respond to all msgís with ďyou are obviously not working on reconciliation between us. You are not being open with me at all. You are not Remorseful for what you have done and how you have hurt me. You are still involved with another man. It is clear from your actions you no longer want me or this marriage.

Because of that I will be moving on. If you have something important about the kids or fincnaces let me know. Otherwise please donít talk to me. I will be working on getting out of the relationship that your actions have endedĒ

Then nothing. Make your own food. Do your own laundry. Interact with the kids separate from her.

Do not attend MC with her. Only work on you in IC. Donít worry about her.

Implement everything in The 180.

If someday she comes to you begging and pleading and realizing the damage she has done, II will PM you a list of 30 some items she will have to do to even get you to consider R.

Good luck and stay strong. Itís hard but itís truly the only path.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:48 AM, September 8th (Saturday)]

mantorok posted 9/8/2018 08:04 AM

"I don't know how you when from loving me to hating me in just one day".

Just wanted to say I had that shit too, in so many words, a couple of days after DDay. It really is some bs, don't ever rise to this shit, it's total selfishness.

[This message edited by mantorok at 8:04 AM, September 8th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 9/8/2018 08:34 AM

Update: Just had first marriage counseling session tonight. So far it is my fault for neglecting my wife. I also found that the emotional affair lasted 2 months before the physical part.

Pretty typical MC rugsweep. If you haven't already cancel.

No good will come from this.

jesebeard posted 9/9/2018 21:23 PM

I'm glad you found peace allthefeels5050. Yes I agree with them, you should focus on your children and yourself instead and let your lawyer do the job. God bless!

allthefeels5050 posted 9/10/2018 17:19 PM

Welp, I messed up a bit over the last couple of days feeling the need to further explain why I sent her what I did. Of course, all it did was set me back. I'm back in full swing today though! I am still driving her to work and back while she actively searches for another vehicle and it works out since my son goes to the school that she works at, but aside from that there were no other responses from her texts all day. So no more "shooting the shit "throughout the day, no more picking up for lunch or bringing a soda, etc. If she wants to do this on her own, I can show her what that is. She seems almost depressed when we don't talk so I feel bad, but what, tough love? lol. Anyway, I just focused on what I needed to get done today and really didn't even think about her at all........good days and bad days for now I guess.

NoOptTo posted 9/10/2018 17:53 PM

Glad you havent beaten yourself up about falling short with the 180. You started it up again. We had it happen. Continue to focus on your goal. To get out of infidelity. Keep us posted. Let her feel what it's like to have to pay for everything she needs now. Keep your finances protected til you get your separation agreement.

Drumstick posted 9/10/2018 18:07 PM

Glad to hear youíre making progress, ATF5050. Slipping with respect to the 180 are inevitable, but each time it occurs, youíll get back on the horse more quickly as you learn why you fell off.

I hope youíve cancelled MC for the time being.

jesebeard posted 9/11/2018 01:52 AM

You are doing a great job! Just continue in that pace and keep us posted as well. We'll be rooting for you.

allthefeels5050 posted 9/11/2018 07:51 AM

@Drumstick yes MC has been cancelled as she has no real desire to reconcile anyway. I will continue IC for myself and maybe one day when she can think clearly she'll do the same. On my weak days(no pun intended) when we talked she informed me that she wants out of the marriage because of all the emotion abuse(she is referring to my resentment which is one of my shortcomings, why I am seeking IC and is used as a defensive mechanism from getting hurt again myself). When she thinks about staying in the marriage she feels depressed and when she thinks of leaving it makes her happy. However, it is interesting that as soon as I go back to a serious 180 she looks and acts very depressed as if her world is crashing down.

[This message edited by allthefeels5050 at 7:52 AM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 9/11/2018 09:02 AM

Just remember that the 180 is to help you detach, and heal, not for her to get close to you.

allthefeels5050 posted 9/11/2018 12:35 PM

Dealing with this today:

Wife: I don't know what you're doing today. I don't want to ask but I don't have the car and I need my cigarettes. It's been a very stressful morning.

Wife: Please. I have until 10:20 and I need a cigarette. They're in the garage.

Wife: Your son needs a shirt. His buttons fell off.

Me: Be right there

Wife: We're at lunch so just leave it in the office I guess. Unless you bring it to the dining hall in the next 15 minutes

I then brought the shirt to school for my son and did not bring the cigarettes. I told her it didn't cross my mind.

After leaving I receive this:

Wife: You seem to be doing just fine yourself so hopefully you paid all the bills that need paid. I will be going forth and getting myself a car. I won't need YOUR car after that point but I will be needing it before then.

I've been following the no contact except for the kids. Should I continue to not feed the trolls or do I let her know that Its not my responsibility to cater to her and be there for her anymore, I'm not responsible for whether she's having a good or bad day, and that in order to continue working towards the divorce I'll be needing the car daily to accomplish this(lawyer and doctor visits etc)?

[This message edited by allthefeels5050 at 12:39 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

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