Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Just found out 3rd affair while dealing with 2nd

Embracingfuture posted 9/5/2018 19:00 PM

My H of 20 years had 1 affair 10 years ago. Found out 3 weeks ago of a 2nd that lasted over 1.5 years and then of a 3rd that lasted a couple of years and overlapped the second. I'm devastated. He is moving out in a few days. We need space. He said he cant deal with what it takes to get through this for recovery. He said he has messed up to much for me to forgive him. He says he is sorry and has apologized to our kids. We were trying to work it out for the 2nd but I lost it when I discovered the 3rd. I know he is remorseful. I still want to work it out. What is wrong with me?

Mene posted 9/5/2018 20:04 PM

Heís a serial cheater. And he needs IC to work out why he is stuck in infidelity. If this marriage has any chance he needs to work on himself. You also need IC to deal with this mess and work out whether you want to stay married to someone who deceived you for so long. In the meantime get STD checked. He should, too, and show each other your results.

Iím sorry you found your way here. Others will come along to give some advice. The next few weeks will be a roller coaster of emotions. I wish you all the best. We are here to help you.

[This message edited by Mene at 8:05 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

Embracingfuture posted 9/5/2018 20:14 PM

Thanks so much. I told him he is a serial cheater. I have been STD tested and awaiting results. Seeing a great therapist and he supposed to start. I'm freaking out that he signed a 1 year lease on an apartment but I know we need space. Going to attorney tomorrow. I want to start the 180. I'm ready to detach.

annb posted 9/5/2018 20:45 PM

Agree with the above poster.

He is moving out because he cannot handle the pressure? He's full of sh*t.

Could be an excuse to continue cheating.

Be careful and please meet with several attorneys to find out your rights asap.

I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by annb at 8:46 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

DesertLily posted 9/5/2018 20:50 PM

Welcome to SI. There's a great group of people here who have been right where you're at. You'll get lots of advice; take what you need and leave the rest.

You said you discovered the affairs, he didn't confess. You also said he stated "he can't deal with what it takes," and that he "messed up too much."

I'm so very sorry but those are NOT the types of comments a remorseful spouse makes. Regretful, shameful, feeling guilty, yes. But not remorse.

He's a long-term serial cheater. And obviously he doesn't want to deal with the fallout from his actions. At least not right now. Sometimes it takes time for true remorse to set it.

Your WH has lied to your face for a long, long time. He did not confess, and since your first discovery, you have found out about more As. Truth be told, there's probably more you don't know.

Please take care of you. Eat, sleep, exercise. Get to your doctor and request STD testing. See an attorney and find out what D looks like for you. You don't have to make a decision about your future right now, but you do need to protect yourself and your assets.

There's a wealth of information in the Healing Library to help you get started on the path of healing. Also consider IC. Focus on your own healing.

Wishing you strength and peace.

ibonnie posted 9/5/2018 20:59 PM

He said he cant deal with what it takes to get through this for recovery.

Please save yourself a lot of time and pain and listen to your WS. He is not prepared to be open, honest, transparent, accountable, etc., etc. At the very least he is saving you from thr pain of a false reconciliation and finding out about affair #4 or #5.

He said he has messed up to much for me to forgive him. He says he is sorry and has apologized to our kids.

What if there's still more he's not telling you? Three affairs! How much more pain can you take? And if he was truly sorry, he would show your kids what it takes to man up and be a good partner. He's not doing that. He signed a year lease and is ready to leave your family.

We were trying to work it out for the 2nd but I lost it when I discovered the 3rd.

Sorry, but no. Maybe YOU were trying to work it out, but it doesn't sound like he was being completely open and honest. You discovered affair #3, he didn't stop trickle truthing you and confess it.

I know he is remorseful.

Maybe he regrets that he can no longer have his cake and eat it, too, but nothing in your post sounds like remorse. It sounds like regret over getting caught, again, and being expected to put in the hard work that reconciling takes.

I still want to work it out. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. He was your husband for 20 years. The father of your children. Of course you want to work it out. But he has told you,
he cant deal with what it takes to get through this for recovery.

Save yourself the time and pain that comes with a false reconciliation. Otherwise, brace yourself for when you discover affair #4 and #5...

hopeandhealing posted 9/5/2018 21:37 PM

I am very sorry and I completely understand the devastation and disbelief you are experiencing. My WH had 4 LTA totalling 5 years over the span of 12 years of our 22 year marriage.

It is an incredibly confusing time as you try to reconcile what you have learned about your H and your marriage with what you thought you had. Give yourself time to process, it is a very long journey with many peaks and valleys.

You have a 20 year history with your H, and despite his awful, selfish choices, it is completely normal to still have feelings of love, anger, sadness, disbelief, rage, protection, you name it. Your world has been turned upside down through no doing of your own. You own none of his As. Those are on him exclusively. Know that one minute you might want to work it out, the next, you want to D, completely normal, but awful nonetheless. It is difficult and painful process either way.

My concern lies with your WH's comment that he can't deal with what it takes to get through this for recovery. Perhaps he is overwhelmed with the magnitude of what he has done to you and his family and is struggling to reconcile the pain he has caused, or maybe he is weak and just doesn't want to really deal with the fall out his actions have caused, who knows what he means. He needs to clarify his comments.

He is very broken, as my WH was as well. It takes a lot of work, commitment and effort to work through how he repeatedly allowed this behaviour to ensure he won't do it again. If he's not wiling to do that, then working it out is not possible even if you want it. It takes two fully committed and honest people. Full transparency and authenticity; can he do that?

Many people will say "cut your losses, he's a serial cheater". I get it, the risk to re-offend is high with a serial cheater. For a myriad of reasons, I chose to be open to either R or D, dependent on the behaviours he demonstrated post dday. For me, the factors in my life, as well as the details of his As, R was a consideration, despite his repeated offences. However, my rope is short, there will be no second chances.

Bottom line is there will be lots of good advice, wisdom and insight shared on this site, take what feels right for you and your kids. Only you know your WH, the "whys" of his As (perhaps yet to be determined) and his capacity for change to be the safe partner you need and deserve.

I am so sorry, please know you have been heard and are supported by people who have walked a similar path. ((()))

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 9:39 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

jb3199 posted 9/6/2018 06:23 AM

You can't put it any better than ibonnie has described. Everything is on point.

Your husband's idea of 'working through it' is to not deal with the issues at hand, and hope that all the problems go away. Totally conflict avoidant. I always found the great irony is that the ones who create the biggest issues are the ones that run away from the solutions. For that, I am sorry.

I want to start the 180. I'm ready to detach.

Perfect. It is the first steps to get you out of infidelity.

The1stWife posted 9/6/2018 06:25 AM

Iím not recommending D or R.

But his willingness to give up so easily is alarming. He just threw in the towel before he even tried. It is possible it was his fear talking. But that can be dealt with IF HE WANTS TO COMMIT TO THE MARRIAGE.

My H was going to D b/c he never thought we would get past his A (and I had no idea it resumed). At DDay2 it was awful but I decided to R. All in. 100%. And he made many changes to show me he was serious about R. Itís been 5 years and we are very happy.

Buster123 posted 9/6/2018 06:42 AM

I'm sorry you're here, your WH is a serial cheater and he's not willing to even try to R, just file for D and save you lots of future DDs and pain.

nothisfriend posted 9/6/2018 10:20 AM

He is moving out because he cannot handle the pressure? He's full of sh*t.

Could be an excuse to continue cheating.

After my IC appointment on D-Day I asked my WH to leave the house. He made all the sorry noises but couldn't pack his bag fast enough. A week later when I showed up at the friend's weekend cottage where he was staying to get some money for bills who drives by but OW? I'm sure they were using that cottage to play house.

It was best for me to have him move out. I had already decided to file for D and it made it easier for me to detach. However it made it easier for him to detach as well. Living separately can make R very hard because you are already under so much uncertainty.

Good luck...

[This message edited by nothisfriend at 10:20 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

amli posted 9/6/2018 10:41 AM

NOTHING is wrong with you! Something is very wrong with him. I despise the way their behavior makes us feel this way-just another gift.

k94ever posted 9/6/2018 11:13 AM

Embrace, he has basically told you he does not want to stop and does not want to change.

He's told you who and what he is so believe him.

As hard as it is you need to walk away. He is not going to stop cheating.

I'm sorry. This is just wrong.


Embracingfuture posted 9/6/2018 17:48 PM

Thanks everyone! Met with attorney today. Feeling more like we should just go for the D. I'm still so hurt. I get strong then I start to think what if? Our children (18 yr old twins) have been telling me to divorce him for 4 years, he was not a great dad. Very uninvolved. Guess I know why that was now. My IC says I'm codependent. WS is an alcoholic too. Why dont these cheating spouses just leave before they cheat. Selfish a-holes.

Snapdragon posted 9/6/2018 18:07 PM

Why dont these cheating spouses just leave before they cheat.

And lose out on you taking care of them? No. They aren't interested in that.

I'm not sure about the dynamics of your marriage or his personality. My ex didn't even step foot into the arena of reconciliation. Why? That would have upset the power dynamic in our relationship. There was no way in hell he was going to put himself in a position of having to make it up to me, win me back, regain my trust, put me first, etc. I had the moral high ground over him and he simply couldn't manage that in his mind. He had to be superior.

If he tells you he can't deal with what it takes to get through this then believe him.

I'm so sorry!

marji posted 9/6/2018 18:09 PM

Embracing They don't leave because they want both-the regular job and the side line too. But good that you met with the attorney; your H is not giving you any indication of deep remorse and a desire to work his butt off to change. Your daughters will not be heartbroken. And I love your SI tag--you are embracing the future--that's awesome. You might be making some of the rest of us green with envy for your resolve but hey, continue you on your journey--you are an inspiration.

Don't appreciate any IC telling anyone they are "codependent." Hey, what does that term even mean? It came from an AA model way back when-maybe the 1930's. It's healthy to form attachments; people are co-dependents when they live together; work together. Some of us have been with our spouses and partners more years than some of these ICs. But hey, if your IC is helping you gain clarity and finding your way back to normal and happy again then sounds like she's a keeper no matter what she's calling you. Sounds like you are on a very healthy road to recovery. Thank you for sharing the positive.

Embracingfuture posted 9/7/2018 16:16 PM

Also. Does anyone else feel like the AP should be punished or in some way have to pay restitution? I mean my life and kids lives are changing dramatically and the AP just carries on. Really really annoying.

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy