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still confused...need advice and clarity

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Marriagesucks posted 9/9/2018 09:44 AM

My brothers now divorced WS OM bought her a brand new iPhone... service plan include. They had a wrestling match for the phone. I think he still has the bruises. There are phones that use 2 sim cards. There are literally 100's of ways to cheat and communicate with each other. Do your homework.

Robert22205https posted 9/9/2018 09:47 AM

After your previous discussions with her, it's a huge red flag that she's still in contact. That means she's hooked on this guy and can't break it off (and this is a real threat to your marriage).

At best this affair is on again/off again (she's transparent when the affair is in off mode) worst they know you're suspicious and use burner phones.

Let your wife know that you have observed her deleting texts from the OM ... and believe she's cheating. Inform her that each contact with the OM is choosing him and disrespecting you - and you refuse to share her with the OM.

Start 180 (to remove yourself from her inappropriate behavior).

Time for a STD test and time to talk with an attorney about the impact of D.

Robert22205https posted 9/9/2018 10:01 AM

I forgot that she read We're Just Friends and still insists that her friendship is harmless. That's a huge red flag as to the extent to which she is hooked on this guy. She's in deep denial and self justification mode.

1- Ask her if she's willing to D in order to maintain contact with the OM?

2- Ask her what the OM gives her that she is not getting from you.

LtCdrLost posted 9/9/2018 10:12 AM

Sir, you have an incredibly deceptive wife who lies to your face and you're too passive by at least an order of magnitude. This will continue until you either: a)change tactics drastically and blow the whole thing up, or b)just accept you're sharing your wife and do nothing to put a stop to that, or c)divorce your cheating wife and get yourself out of a toxic marriage.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 10:12 AM, September 9th (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 9/9/2018 10:35 AM

Can someone purchase a cell phone plan with a different name and false information? [YES it's possible]

The number is registered to a guy named M* but it isn't the last name of the guy my wife was friends with. [NOTE: use of their first name with a fake last name is a standard cheater tactic]

[She could be texting & calling using a second SIM card (i.e., another phone #) that's billed to a separate burner phone account ... a tactic that she admitted to being familiar with] [The OM probably opened the account for her and sent her the SIM card]. However, regardless of the SIM card the phone contact list remains the same. Check to see if there's a contact for the OM on her phone listed under another name.

Can the phone/text logs at the billing site be tampered with or be wrong? My wife's phone has absolutely no record of texting at the time and with the phone number that the company has on their billing records. She is telling me that they made some mistake and are billing us now from something that happened last month, which sort of makes sense since the last contact she had with him the previous month was around the same day of the month -- although there is more texts now and the times are different... [Anything is possible but that type of error is unlikely. Are you saying that her record of texts on the phone do not match in any way what's on the bill?]

NOTE: Does she have any games on her phone? Some games and other social media accounts include a texting feature (and the texts won't show on your bill).

Lastly, the number is now disconnected -- can this happen so fast? [YES]

beenthereinco posted 9/9/2018 13:22 PM

Can the phone/text logs at the billing site be tampered with or be wrong? My wife's phone has absolutely no record of texting at the time and with the phone number that the company has on their billing records. She is telling me that they made some mistake and are billing us now from something that happened last month, which sort of makes sense since the last contact she had with him the previous month was around the same day of the month -- although there is more texts now and the times are different...

This is within my area of expertise on my job so trust me on this. The answer is no. This would not be happening. You would not get records of texts from previous billing periods on this bill with times and dates from this billing period. They aren't on the phone because she deleted them. The phone company did not make a mistake.

MickeyBill2016 posted 9/9/2018 14:19 PM

I usually hope and think that things "aren't that bad" when I read posts like yours, but sadly I think things are bad, and going to get worse.

A couple things...

Most likely the phone bill is correct and she is lying to cover her texting. Who do you trust the giant impersonal Att Computer or a lying wife with something to hide?

Did she ever say directly "No , I am not fucking M." or is her response always "Don't be silly" or "Are you crazy?" aka non answer answers.

Her OM phone. Unless it's a burner who disconnects a phone number these days?

Since you know that she was texting the OM on the bad sex night, you could confront. Don;t reveal your source but say something like "Oh come on honey, its the internet EVERYTHING is out there somewhere...I just know." But that may force her UGround more.

On the bright side, she's trying to pussy coma you back in line and forget about the A.

Edit. deleted emoji.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:41 PM, September 10th (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 9/10/2018 13:24 PM

On the bright side, she's trying to pussy coma you back in line and forget about the A.

A laugh emoji was posted after this quote. Why is this funny?

This man is here for help and support, not to be told he has no balls or to laugh at him after his fucking world has been blown to smithereens. It's not like he is experienced at what to do when you catch your spouse cheating.

Confused - Burner phones are easy to come by and are easily disposed and are usually paid for with cash. This is a very possible scenario of what may be going on.

I am in the polygraph camp in this case. If it were me and I were being honest, I would be in the polygrapher's chair immediately.

badmemory posted 9/10/2018 15:43 PM

Likely, the OM had a burner phone and your wife tipped him off after your questioning; so he got rid of it. Something's going on without a doubt.

You've just got to be smarter than she is with your monitoring. Stop confronting her and go get your smoking gun.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/10/2018 16:00 PM

The phone number suddenly being disconnected means she was calling a burner phone. That alone is evidence that something untoward was going on. Purchase a VAR and place it in her car and anywhere else that she hangs out for private conversations.

OrdinaryDude posted 9/10/2018 16:12 PM

I wouldn't believe a word my wife could have said when I confronted, but I went in prepared.

I used software to extract deleted files and texts from her phone, so I knew without a doubt what was transpiring...she had nowhere to hide, completely blindsided her with what I was able to find out.

Do your research and get ready to do this, even if you have to take her phone while she is sleeping and leave the house with a laptop, just get it done.

WornDown posted 9/10/2018 16:28 PM

You don't need a polygraph to know that she lied to you about the texting.

It's simple disrespect to you. She's lying, knows about it and is taking active steps to hide it from you (locking the phone, deleting records).

If you really want more proof, get a couple of VARs - one for the car, one for the house. (Is the phone paid for by you/your wife or her work? If you/wife - you can look up the call/text records on line).

But the real question you need to be asking is this: Do you want to continue to have this type of disrespect in your marriage?

Answer that, and you will find that your next steps are self-evident.

johnlcyborg posted 9/11/2018 15:36 PM

The Usual time is the name of the bar -- in the first thread this was a point of concern as it suggested a latent on going occurrence.

Are you familiar with this establishment? Have you verified its existence (phone number, address, website, etc.)? Or did you simply take your wife's word on it?

(BTW - I searched (Yelp, Facebook, Google, etc.) and cannot find any bar by this name...)

[This message edited by johnlcyborg at 2:45 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

Dyokemm posted 9/11/2018 17:12 PM


Hated to say this.....but I think you are at the beginning of a long journey ‘down the rabbit hole’ of infidelity.

Other posters are most likely right......that suddenly disconnected phone was POSOM’s burner.

Your WW has probably never ceased talking to this shithead.....and you most likely have only the tip of the iceberg on the extent of her betrayal.

Your WW is very sneaky......or more likely she is being well coached by an accomplished POSOM.....burner phones are not a sign of a new cheater, which means this asshole probably had informed your WW of countless means of taking the A underground and gaslighting you....

Unfortunately, I think your nightmare of trying to discover the truth of your WW’s betrayal is just getting started.

Take a hard line and get out of infidelity ASAP.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 5:18 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

Western posted 9/11/2018 21:37 PM

I agree with Dyoke. Really, what is your gameplan and does it help you ? I don't think it does man

Ripped62 posted 9/11/2018 22:16 PM

This is pure speculation. If the information is correct that you conveyed, then they have taken the affair underground.

Your wife is using a cheater app, calling via VOIP, or she may have a burner phone now. This is why you did not see any activity on your cell plan.

Your wife is also deploying a number of wayward behaviors to keep you off balance. She also seems to be well ahead of you regarding cheating technology and methods.

How many married women do you text and tell them you love them.

Do you know the name of the other man and what city he lives in? You may can approach it from his end if you have it. If it came from your wife she may have given you the name of someone else or a fictitious name.

Cooley2here posted 9/12/2018 07:47 AM

Look at the intimacy that dropped off the edge of the world in just a few minutes AFTER she and he communicated. That is your red flag.
All of us know what it is like to hope we are wrong but we arn’t. We don’t want to think that a person we love has the ability to lie to us this easily. There is an old joke. Who are you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes? This is where you are. You are desperate to believe her because the other is unbearable.
All any of us can do is give guidance but you decide what you can live with.
Do not pay any attention to those insulting you. Their pain is as intense as yours. Sometimes anger is all the weapons we have.

Robert22205https posted 9/12/2018 07:52 AM

When I use Facebook's Messenger App to communicate with my son neither the texts or the video chat shows up on my statement.

I suspect any APP that also provides text or video works the same way.

Another thought text & video may not show on the statement when the phones connect via WIFI??

I use Google Fi and I don't believe WIFI traffic shows on my statement.

Starzen posted 9/12/2018 13:39 PM

Mine communicated with his skank (skanks, plural I have to say after more investigating) via Messenger, SecondLine, Words with Friends, and one other one I forget. You won't see those on the phone bill. Go to apps in Google Play and look at the history. I found tons of installs and deinstalls of all of these. Messenger he created a fake ID too......That was easy enough to find by me just reinstalling it and opening my eyes.

Yea, he loved me.

squid posted 9/12/2018 14:34 PM


Around here, shady and protective behavior regarding a WS isn't simply a smoking gun. The damn thing's spouting lava. At the very LEAST your WW isn't respecting you.

You've received a lot of great advice thus far. Confront, do nothing, or leave. What do you want?

If there's one thing for sure, you're not going to get the truth from your wife. It's a cliched pattern around here.

Don't plead or beg or show any emotion. If you haven't already, read up on the 180 and implement it hard core. Consult an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Then blow her world. Expose the "M" to the OBS. Tell her family. Affairs thrive under the cover of darkness. That ends now.

She's definitely gaslighting and minimizing. MAJOR red flags.

There a million ways to correspond with someone without any trace of it.

"Advice and clarity"? She's up to no good and M is a threat to your marriage.

Time to act.

Sorry you're here.

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