SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Christine78 posted 9/10/2018 12:37 PM

I have been married for 19 years. Off and on for the last couple years I have wondered if my H was having an affair. He travels for work internationally. I would occasionally check his messages when I felt he was acting suspicious or pulling away. This year I read the messages and found evidence of the affair. I immediately confronted him and he asked for the whole truth. He has been having an affair off and on with a former colleague since 2015. But, even more shocking was that it started back in 2008. At this time he worked with her and when he would visit her country (for work) they would secretly go out for dinner. He knew what he was doing was improper for a married man, but believed he wouldn't take it any further. After about a year of this she started sending him sexy pictures of herself and the relationship slowly progressed to becoming sexual. Back home with me we had planned on having a baby in 2009. He was suddenly thinking we should maybe wait a couple of years. I had no idea what was going on with him, and because he didn't want to fess up to what he was doing we went ahead. I quit my job and we started trying for a baby. I become pregnant in the spring of that year. He continues on with his AP, so that by the end of 2009 he finally has sex with her. He immediately regrets it. But, tells nobody. Our DD arrives into this world. My husband feels horrible apologizes to her, but not to me. He breaks it off with her and continues our life like nothing ever happened. He later takes a job where he doesn't need to travel. He ends up hating the job and eventually years later goes back to his old company. His former AP no longer works there, but being back in the country/city where she was he is curious where she is in her life. Looks her up, and they start it up again. It continues for a couple months and she stops it, because he won't make her a priority. This time in 2016 she looks him up and they start the affair for a couple months it stops, 2017 it starts up again stops shortly after it starts. Again in 2018, this time its brought to the light. I feel gutted. Since it has been three months I'm feeling better physically, but not emotionally. We are trying at reconciliation, but it is very hard and easy to feel that it is hopeless and that there have been too many lies. But at the other end of the spectrum this is my family and this marriage has basically been my entire adult life.

ShutterHappy posted 9/10/2018 13:21 PM

What has he done so far for reconciliation?

Do you feel he’s remorseful? Why?

Christine78 posted 9/10/2018 13:52 PM

What has he done so far for reconciliation?

He has agreed to go no connect with his AP. He sent the message with me beside him ending contact. He answered all my questions about the affair. He never blamed me, he accepts full responsibility for the affair. He keeps in contact with me when away. I have access to his phone if I wish to look.

Do you feel he’s remorseful? Why?

He has apologized many times for the pain and suffering he has caused. He feels very angry with himself for doing this, and again after he stopped restarting it. But, he tends to spiral in guilt and shame and feelings of hopelessness. His anger at himself although understandable is hard to deal with. He never has been the most loving or supportive emotionally so he is struggling with that. Feeling like he has so many changes to make it is overwhelming at times.

The1stWife posted 9/10/2018 15:25 PM

I’m so sorry for you. This is devastating given how long this has been going on.

Here are a few suggestions:

Get yourself tested for every STD known - explain to your doctor why you need it.

Get yourself a counselor to help you deal with this nightmare. Not Marriage Counseling. It is too soon for that. But a counselor experienced w/ infidelity. Just for you.

Read in the Healing Library (upper left corner) - there are tons of references to help you. Good book is “How to Help your Spouse heal from an Affair.” He should read that one.

Remember to put yourself first. Not him. You have been dealt this sickening blow - not him.

Read up on the “pick me” dance and don’t do it. You will never win him back like that. For some reason when the Betrayed Spouse trues to be living and supportive - the Cheater views it as the BS is weak.

Do not make any permanent decisions for the next 3-6 months. You are too emotionally charged to do so.

Also continue posting here to get support and good advice.

ShutterHappy posted 9/10/2018 16:14 PM

A few more suggestion:
- your WH should not be traveling anymore (to the location of the AP). NC is NC.
- he should go IC, he needs to know the Whys
- have access to ALL devices, all passwords
- ask for two written timelines, one sanitized, and one with the details. You need to know exactly what you are reconciling.

Others will come along to help you, please feel free to post, we’ve (in the JFO forum) all been through this one way or another.

Christine78 posted 9/10/2018 16:20 PM

Thank you The1stwife. I have been checked for STD and everything came back clean. I also have started therapy. I have an appointment on Wednesday and will focus on my healing as priority number one. I will continue reading and helping myself to heal. Thanks

MET7 posted 9/10/2018 21:20 PM

I'm so sorry that you've been through so much pain! You are a brave and courageous woman who obviously loves her family very much. Take heart, marriage is worth fighting for and I've seen many similar situations reconcile. It is hard to reconcile but it's also hard not to! Choose your hard, I guess. Who do you have for support? You need to be sure you build your circle of support carefully. Hopefully, you are both being given individual and couple counsel, with clear action steps and timelines. The benefit of it coming from a good counselor is that they're objective and the nagging comes from them, not you! I'll be praying for you and your family!

Christine78 posted 9/11/2018 09:05 AM

WH job requires him to travel to that location so for now he will have to. I feel very confident that it has ended.

Yes, he does need to go for IC, unfortunately he is gone a lot and frequently has very short notice for when he needs to travel

I do have access to other devices, WH phone was his primary communication with her.

I did sort through all air miles to figure a timeline with him. I understand approximately how many times they got together, and were intimate. This was a complete fantasy where he didn’t even spend a whole day with her ever.

Thank you MET7 for your concern for me and my family. I have my sister and a friend for support. My counseling has just started so it was mostly just explaining everything that has been going on.

ShutterHappy posted 9/11/2018 11:32 AM

WH job is to make you feel safe. Do you feel safe with him going to that city?

I’m glad to read that you have family member to support you! As time pass by, it will become less and less hard. The most important part right now is to make sure you are out of infidelity.

Christine78 posted 9/11/2018 12:36 PM

He had to go back to that city less than a week after D day. It was very hard the first time and was sending my anxiety through the roof. He has been back many times since then. I feel nothing is going on there now, there were many times he was there and they weren’t in contact.

He isn’t doing a great job of making me feel loved and safe and that is disappointing.

OneInTheSame posted 9/11/2018 16:22 PM

Yes, he does need to go for IC, unfortunately he is gone a lot and frequently has very short notice for when he needs to travel

Appointments can be made an broken, rescheduled, changed. He needs to learn how to handle his guilt and shame, as that will make giving what you need very challenging if he doesn’t. My wife has been empathy-challengesd due to her guilt/shame issues and really would have benefitted from more or better IC than she got. We at least have identified this as an issue at this time.

NowWhat106 posted 9/11/2018 16:25 PM

I’m so sorry that you’re here, Christine. I too know what a trauma it is to discover that you’ve been lied to and betrayed for years. You’ll get lots of good advice and support here.

Be careful about feeling to drawn into his guilt and self-hatred. He knew that he was doing this for years. He continued to make the decision. So where is all of this guilt and shame coming from? From you seeing what he’s done and from seeing the destruction he’s caused.

But now, his discomfort should not be the focus. This is no longer about him and his issues and his pain, not after he’s devastated the person who was loving and faithful to him. Don’t let him make it about him. That’s unbelievably common in these situations because many of the people who do this are completely self-focused. Their ability to not consider anyone’s feelings but their own is what allows them to do this horrible stuff in the first place and is a symptom of the bigger Issues. Don’t let him erase you and your pain from the picture AGAIN by selfishly making even your devastation about how difficult it is for him.

Focus on you and your healing and, if he wants to stick around, he should too. That includes getting his ass to IC
No matter how difficult his schedule is, and figuring out how the hell he allowed himself to do this.

This will be a long haul. We’re here to support you. Take care of yourself and let him do him. What you see will help you decide what’s best for you.

Hugs of strength and comfort to you.

Svon posted 9/11/2018 17:02 PM

I am three months out from discovering a long term affair too. It still hurts, but my husband, like yours sounds to be, is doing all he can. I disagree with those who say it’s too soon for marraige counseling. I started IC as did he right away, but we also started marriage counseling. I was pretty sure I wanted to reconcile, but having kids I knew that we would be in each other’s life forever in some way so we needed to find a way to be amicable. I don’t think it’s ever too early for marriage counseling. I feel much better than I did even three weeks ago. Time will ultimately decide what my relationship and feelings towards him become.

Christine78 posted 9/11/2018 20:28 PM

Thank you all for your kind concern.

He described his affair as problem filled and guilt ridden. I did see the guilt this time. He came home from his trip and we woke up and he gave me the saddest look. I wondered about it and asked him if he had done something bad on his trip. I was thinking have you had sex with someone on your trip, but was to afraid to ask. He said he hadn’t and again when I asked he lied again.
He had sex with her once, and tried to the next day but couldn’t because he felt too guilty about betraying me. I read some messages and he called himself a good for nothing cheater. Of course there was other texts that said he was happy about restarting it up. He did have sex with her again in May. He felt guilty, but not guilty enough to shut it down. The sex and excitement kept him going back.

I’m sure uncovering of his actions has caused further guilt knowing the devastation it has caused. He felt it was a secret he would take to his grave. Each year he felt it would never start up again, but she would check back on him and he hadn’t resolved to stop like the first time.

He tells me to focus on healing and not him. Which I need to do. I just wish he could pull himself out of his spiral and help me more.

ShutterHappy posted 9/12/2018 00:45 AM

Perhaps he could read "How to Help your Spouse Heal" by Linda McDonald ?

Also, the trips have to stop one way or the other.