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We are ten years out. Today as I was talking to FWH as we were both drivingon the way home, he casually mentioned that he was thinking about going to bible study tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. This has all my alarm bells ringing.

First of all. I have been with FWH 26 years. He went to church once literally 25 years ago, under duress, for Easter. I would describe him as agnostic verging on atheist. He also only gets up at 7:30 every day and certainly would not wake up early to help me out when I have needed it in the past.

So I reacted with shock and awe. He got defensive. I said you don’t even believe in God and he denied it. He said he believe in God and is probably a Christian. WTeverlovingF. Apparently his work sent out an email about it today. He was hazy on details about if this was recurring, at work, who was leading it, etc. said he felt stupid when not going to school (he took a long time to get his degree) and so this would keep him learning. I just cannot stress how out of character this is. He does not own a Bible!

I had planned a solo trip to Disney for my birthday, because he hates Disney and I love it. A few days ago he casually mentioned that he might go with me. I got excited. Today he told me he decided not to go because “it will be expensive.” Did I mention I just last month got a big promotion at work? We can afford to add one person’s tickets to a bill that has largely been paid for with points.

He’s also a few times this summer brought me home cake balls, but several missing from the box. He said he was buying them for the owners of the company. Now I wonder.

Background: he had an EA that turned PA at this job, almost lost this job, I moved out and filed for divorce, went NC, he threw OW under bus, came back literally on his knees, she got fired, we went tocounseling, now here we are ten years later and my senses are on high alert. Except now he’d have to be smarter at hiding it than he was before, when I was on it the very minute it started.

Thoughts?

Red flags galore!

You need to plant a VAR in his car.

I would get up and go to Bible study with him. Everything could be innocent but I really don't like the sound of what is going on. I don't blame you for being on alert. Where does he work? Why would they send out a message about Bible study?

Thanks for agreeing with me that im not crazy. His company is very religious — irs small and privately owned and so it’s not completely out of the norm that they would do this. But I’m not invited and I don’t want to set off his alarms. It would definitely be odd if I agreed to go despite the fact I do believe in God. The other slightly unusual thing is him agreeing for us to go to a fish fry hosted by some high school friends on Saturday, derailing his opportunity to get his car detailed when he has tried two weekends running. Maybe he’s been communicating with someone on FB from there and the Bible study is for show for “her” benefit—something he can tell her about. And the cakes are coincidence? I need to do some snooping. I’m all over the place in my suspicions.

I am just sick about this. I could not even act normal. He asked me what was wrong a few times so i told him I was tired and depressed. He offered to watch a movie in a franchise he hates and I love, then wanted to snuggle in bed—we both have issues with depression, so I don’t feel like he was snuggling me to cheer me up. I think he’s trying to put me off any suspicion. This is after weeks of limited physical affection.

Ugh.

This hot and cold shit is exactly what he did to me last time.

The huge red flag I see is that you are not invited to the Bible study. If the company has religious participants I assume they would welcome anyone. Just get ready and get in the car and go with him. If you are turned away at the door then that is one weird company. If you are welcomed with open arms then you know he is up to something.

Btw, a study just came out that the “once a cheater, always a cheaters” has some merit.

VAR his car.

So last night I went through his iPad. Nothing suspicious. Email from boss inviting entire company to Bible study on campus. He has not changed his pass code on his iPad or his work phone. Nothing suspicious on work phone.

Things he is NOT doing that he did last time: dieting, working very late inexplicably, talking about a “friend,” obviously texting her in front of me for hours (“she’s my FRIEND”), running up obvious tabs for buying someone lunch.

Things that are triggering me: Bible study for agnostic/atheist, no pictures of me at work, you have to hunt for pictures of me on his (FB) (he was like that before the A and R and only briefly had pics of me after R until digital frame broke).

I just went to download myVerizon on my iPad to look at our statements because they are too small to see on our phone and it asked for a code and since I got three hours of sleep last night I told it to send code and so it sent an email TO HIM with my code. So much for stealth.

He will turn this around on me. It will be, after ten years you can’t trust me, why are we even staying together? And if he’s not doing anything, then what do I even say to that?

Stop asking questions and var the car. Never tell him you used it. Check to see if it is against the law in your state. Keep your mouth shut. And I mean that as a suggestion. If he is cheating you are going to have to get really sneaky because he is already onto your suspicions.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:58 AM, September 21st (Friday)]

I believe in trusting your instincts..I wish I had followed through with mine long before I learned about my husband's affair.

I also think that your husband might have become better at covering his tracks that you may have caught onto in his previous affair.

Bible study sure seems like a strange venue for meeting up with another woman, although people who * claim * to be Christians can be very immoral

I hope for your sake that it is just paranoia

It is a strange venue but I think he has a crush on someone and is laying the groundwork. First, look I’m a Christian. Then, oh I’m having trouble with my (insert negative adjective here) wife, I’m so unhappy. That way neither one of them has to feel like a home wrecker. He did this type of thing last time, except I knew it was an EA from the get-go and so did everyone else in their workplace. Plus the OW was crazy (shocker) This time he’s dropping the Bible on it.

If I’m right! This is crazy making.

I REALLY hope that it's not true and that it's innocent. If it's true then this is just another example of it doesn't matter how many years go by before the other shoe drops. It also means NONE of us will ever just be able to be comfortable and relax our guard.

Fingers crossed for you!

There are a lot of red flags here.

First, there is no way that a religiously supportive company would not want to reach out to as many people as possible to join in Bible study and be a part of a Christian community. That is plain absurd. That is the whole point of Christianity--to spread the word to as many people as possible!

Secondly, his defensiveness. If there is nothing to hide, nothing to be defensiveness about.

Third, a husband should want to take you to your dream vacations to share everything with you, no matter if he likes it or not. He should find joy in seeing you happy. And vice versa. If he wanted to go somewhere, you would go just to be a part of what he enjoys in life. That's how couples stay connected.

Fourth, he's had an affair before and the result of the counseling from that should have been him realizing that he must be 100% transparent with you--FOREVER--and he has to treat the relationship as a #1 priority--which is opposite of him not going to Disney with you. He is doing none of this right now.

Fifth, he should want to be with you at the Bible study. If you actually weren't allowed to go, he should feel committed to "stand up" for you and stay at home. Again, we all know that spouses would definitely be invited.

There is a secret that he is hiding.