SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Cher6322 posted 12/5/2018 19:55 PM

I’m so angry at myself! I have been made a fool of once again. Found a new text that my WH sent his friend asking to get him a number, a good one. Friends reply is “ I got s good one”
WH “ a white girl” his friends reply “ no a Spanish girl, the one I showed you a pic of today. She a good one”. I’m sick sick sick I allowed myself to be suckered into believing his lies! I have to gather my strength to walk away. It’s very obvious he is a cheater, a liar and has no regard for me or our out fsmily.

fareast posted 12/5/2018 20:13 PM

Sorry to hear this Cher6322 but your gut was telling you he was lying and gaslighting you in November. He is not remorseful and he is a serial cheater. See an attorney to learn your rights. You deserve better. It does not appear he has any intention of changing, and to move forward you will need to file for D. Implement the 180. Eat healthy, exercise and detach from him. Take care of yourself first. Use your anger and outrage to motivate you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:28 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Cher6322 posted 12/5/2018 20:26 PM

Thank you Fareast
Yes it seems he was lying then and lying now. I’ve been walking in a fog for weeks and weeks and now all the feelings have come full force again. It’s numbing and makes me feel like vomiting!

fareast posted 12/5/2018 22:22 PM

Cher6322:

I do understand the shock and numbness you are feeling all over again. You received a lot of great advice and suggestions when you first posted in November. Please go back and reread them all, it will help you. I don’t have a lot of new advice. It appears your WH will continue to cheat and disrespect you as long as you permit it. You are in control of your future. Strength to you moving forward and having him served.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:23 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Lalagirl posted 12/6/2018 07:53 AM

((((Cher)))))

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to give you a hug...no advice as I'm sure that you know what you have to do. We're here for you.

Ponus18 posted 12/6/2018 08:01 AM

We’ve all been there. Lied to. Gaslit. All of it. You’re not alone. I was fooled for years.

You CAN take control of things now. I hope you choose to quickly. Best of luck.

fooled13years posted 12/6/2018 08:19 AM

My title "Fooled13years" should actually be "Fooled18years" because from the day we started dating my ExWW pretended to be something other than what she was. I know the shock, the pain, the embarrassment but I never blamed myself and neither should you. This is all on your WH and was all on my ExWW.
Stay strong for yourself and your family.

twisted posted 12/6/2018 09:09 AM

Sorry for your situation. I've got no more "Get Out of Jail" cards left.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice....

CatsEye posted 12/6/2018 09:15 AM

I know how it feels to realize you got suckered by someone who was using you and never really cared. Been there, done that for more years than I want to admit.

But the way I look at it, no matter how foolish I was to keep trusting him and overlook the red flags, he was way more foolish to throw away a woman as loyal and supportive as I was in order to chase a little tail.

Don't beat yourself up for being a loving, trusting partner. It was HIS job to be someone you could trust. When he wasn't, that was HIS failure.

Best of luck

1Faith posted 12/6/2018 09:38 AM

As hard as it is, please don't be angry with yourself be angry at your WH for continuing to lie and disrespect you.

You were trying, he clearly is not.

You deserve better, more than his lies and deceit.

I am so sorry that you are still with an man that is not at all remorseful.

((many hugs))

Cher6322 posted 12/6/2018 18:19 PM

Thank you all
I’m sorry we all have to be here. Its not that I’m beating myself up to the point that I blame myself but that I’m intelligent enough to know better. It saddens me that I’ve been such a devoted partner one who works hard in every area of life and believed he had the same ideology about marriage as I. I suppose I was living in a fantasy for 19 years and now wonder how many more there were. Will I ever find out? I doubt it especially since he claims innocence and makes me look crazy. I’ve lost my brother to suicide last year and my dad to cancer the year before. The grieving is still so prevalent and now I grieve the death of a marriage. It’s just too much sometimes to deal with this alone. I’m ashamed to tell my family or good friends. It’s an embarrassment for me to think I was blinded for so long.

heartbroken_kk posted 12/6/2018 18:34 PM

I think one of the most painful parts of discovering your spouse is a serial cheater (look at my tag line) is that you have to come to grips with what your life before discovery really was, because it wasn't what you thought it was.

Remember that you were authentic. You were not creating a false persona that you displayed to your WH so that he would believe or not believe certain things about you.

The reality is that you were not acting, you were not presenting a false image of who you were. BUT, he was acting. He was creating an image of who he was that you could see, hear, and feel. But, there was a man behind the curtain that wasn't that. The cloaked, hidden person that you now realize had two very different ways of being in the world, has now been exposed to you, and it's repulsive and also disorienting.

How could you not know? How could you have been so blind? These are questions you ask yourself but it puts the focus on you, as if you were the problem here.

Right now, allow yourself to honor who YOU were and ARE. You lived your life, and that was not a fantasy life to you. It wasn't in your head as a dream, it was real. NOW, you have learned much to your bewilderment, that you were living your life with an actor. Surprise! This is like the worst practical joke ever. Its so awful. And the gaslighting is an attempt to continue the trick and keep you from learning what is real about him. It's an assault on your good nature, your integrity.

There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. I believe that revealing the truth about him can be the best path forward to regaining your sense of self, and distancing yourself from the very thing that has destroyed your marriage.

Time to lawyer up. Learn your rights, prepare your papers. Start imagining a new future. It's like you were planning on a great road trip to fabulous destinations but all the bridges are destroyed. You can't go there now. So go somewhere else. Pick a different road to travel, and focus on your future along that path.

Cher6322 posted 12/6/2018 19:57 PM

Heartbroken
That is the most powerful realization and I thank you for posting. Your words have penetrated the thick skin I have began to develop. Yes, I do need to look at this stranger as an actor who finally gave up his story line. As you know, its difficult to put all the pieces of this together especially when they continue to deny and give pieces of what is going on like a jumbled up puzzle. It gets the head spinning round and round with thoughts of what the truth really is. To say I can stop the thoughts is impossible at this time-they play over and over until every bit of energy is drained. Its the loneliest part of all this. I admire every one of you who have survived this horrible nightmare.

Ponus18 posted 12/6/2018 20:44 PM

I’m going to frame what Heartbroken wrote and hang it on my wall. Where’s the up vote button on SI?