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Wife cheating with co worker

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DIFM posted 12/21/2018 12:12 PM

You need to tell his wife. She deserves to know in order to make her own choices about how to deal with his betrayals. Many A's go underground when a BS does not tell the other BS what they know. The truth that you need to know will only see the light of day if her A is fully exposed to both BS's.

Listen to what others are saying on this topic. There are very practical reasons that can only come from informing the affair partner's spouse.

Bigheart2018 posted 12/21/2018 12:16 PM

Dear Joey,

I’m so so sorry you had to experience the actual sex act in person in your home. You caught them in the act, and of course, she is sorry. She is sorry that you caught her. I know you are experiencing many types of emotions, but you need to sit and talk with a close friend or family member so you can verbally talk this through. I know you don’t have any idea if you want to continue in your marriage or move down the path of divorce. You have suffered a traumatic event, and you will need counseling.

I would like to offer you a path to consider:
1.) Please contact the wife of the AP.
2.) Consult an attorney ASAP.
3.) Refuse to accept any responsibility of her actions. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!!!
4.) Having sex in your home and you catching them in the act is totally awful!!! I would expose her to friends, family and the HR department.
5.) Please don’t give her any consideration at this time because she didn’t give you any.

The SI community is here to help you. We are family here both the Betrayed and the Wayward!

This is the time you must gather yourself and try to be as strong as possible.

Best,
Bigheart

tbkjcn posted 12/21/2018 12:24 PM

I am hesitant to contact his wife because I would hate to have anyone have to deal with the pain I am going through.

She deserves to know the truth. In my case, OM's wife found out about the A, but didn't inform me about what she knew for over 6 months. That's 6 more months I was living in a lie. That's 6 months that I could have been deciding what I wanted to do with my life. That's 6 months I didn't know if my WW had brought home some STD and exposed me to it. I wish I had known sooner.

It may be painful for her to hear, but certainly would be more painful to find out years later.

unsure73 posted 12/21/2018 12:25 PM

Tell that punk asses wife shes married to a asshole!

good luck to you

Dismayed2012 posted 12/21/2018 12:26 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Joey.

No matter what your decision is in any other area of this situation, the one decision that has an iron-clad answer and should be made immediately is to tell the OM's wife. Don't let anyone know what you're doing; just contact her even if you must show up at her door. Contact her so she can decide her future. This is not your choice to make; it's something that must be done. It would be even better if you drove your wife to the OM;'s house and had her tell the OM's wife along with all of the details of their relationship. Let your wife see in the other woman's eyes the damage she's done.

Secondly, I'd recommend you divorce your wife, period. You can still allow her to live with you if you want to, but divorce her legally from your retirement, from your accounts, and from anything and everything that's yours. She made her decision to lose everything for the other man, give her what she asked for and give it to her now. Don't waiver on this. Take back control of your life and show her that she has no claim to you or your things anymore.

In the end you need to make choices that best suit your situation. You're going to live the emotion roller coaster soon. Take care of yourself. You are number one now. You are the prize. She's the betrayer; she's not a prize. You can live the rest of your life free from her foolish behavior. It's your call.

squid posted 12/21/2018 12:28 PM

JoeyP,

You've already received excellent advice thus far. I strongly advise you to follow through with all of it. The worst thing you could do now is to rugsweep this and try to act like everything is back to normal. Be decisive. Know that your WW will continue to lie for quite some time. So really understand that you don't have the full truth. And don't for one second let her blame you for her affair.

As others have suggested, her first priority is to quit her job. If she balks, expose her to everyone you know without telling her. Her employer, her friends and family, the OBS. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Shine a big, bright light on it.

Read up on the 180 and implement it. She needs to feel some cold, hard consequences for her actions. You're about to start out on a really shitty journey. Hydrate, eat a little something, and try to sleep whenever you can.

Really sorry you've found us. But you're in good hands.

Keep posting.

Buster123 posted 12/21/2018 12:43 PM

1) Demand she gets tested for STDs.
2) Demand full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER.
3)If they work together, one of them has to quit, if it's not him, then it would have to be her (another consequence of her A). If they remain in close proximity, the A will continue or resume eventually.
4)EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends, she needs to apologize to you, the children and both set of parents for her huge betrayal. Tell OBS.
5)Consult an attorney and demand she signs a post-up in your favor in case you eventually want to D because of this of she cheats again.
6) She needs to send OM an NC FOREVER letter that you approve and watch her hit send (no sweet goodbyes).
7) She needs to commit to IC fo find out her "whys", this is 100% her fault.
8) She needs to take a polygraph and one of the questions should be: "Have you had more inappropriate relationships, ONS and/or As besides this one since we started dating ? she's now a proven cheater and a liar, this may not have been her first rodeo.

Of course if this is a deal-breaker for you just file for D without warning and have her served at work, either way you get out of infidelity.

numb&dumb posted 12/21/2018 12:48 PM

Yes to informing the OM wife. It makes reality set in for both them. It brings the natural consequences of their choices into reality.

You've gotten good advice thus far. Nothing to add at this point.

I can tell you that this can and does get better. You won't forget it, but you learn to deal with it.

As far details I would say that yes it is harder to hear them, but you don't just ignore something as traumatic as this. The details will feel like being stabbed, but you do recover from them.

Once you know and understand that this had nothing to do with you accept the details and you learn to live with them. It teaches you things about life and your incorporate those lessons into your future.

I am not going to lie there are difficult times ahead, but they won't seem as difficult in the future.

Is it possible to stay somewhere else where you don't have to be around the scene of the act each day ?

It is not our of the realm of possibility that moving might be needed to rid yourself of the daily triggers.

IC is good too. An IC can help you with coping mechanisms and ultimately help you decided what you'd like to do moving forward.

Welcome to the last club you ever wanted to join. Keep reading and posting it really does help.

Tigersrule77 posted 12/21/2018 13:05 PM

I agree with the others that you should tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know who she is married to.

Your WW is showing you who she is. She is a liar. She is going to continue to lie to protect herself. Think about it, if you hadn't caught her, she would have just kept on in the A. You really don't know when it started and you have no idea how long it would have gone on. Does this sound like someone who cares about you? No it does not.

She tells you NOW that she loves you and wants to work on the M. That's pretty typical in the "cover your ass" mode of WS's. It gives them time to figure out what they want while you think your in R mode.

You need to protect yourself starting now. Assume everything she tells you is a lie, until proven otherwise.

JoeyP posted 12/21/2018 13:06 PM

I cannot believe that so many of you took the time out of your day to offer advice and try to help me. Thank you , I am overwhelmed at the support you have given me. I am truly greatful.
I have decided to take your advice . I will inform his wife as soon as I can get her info. You are right. She deserves to know.
I will let all know how it plays out.
I am finding TT is just another lie, on another lie on another lie. I wonder if I will ever know the truth.
A “few times” over the last 3 months went to several times to “ once or twice a week “.
I think it may get worse before it gets better but I believe it will get better.
Thank all for being here.....

steadychevy posted 12/21/2018 13:17 PM

I was going to chime in on the tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse) recommendation. I see you've made that decision. Don't let your WW know you are going to do so. If it comes back to you through your WW that she knows you did so it will show you that she and POS are still communicating.

You've had a great deal of very good suggestions thus far. I won't add to them right now other than to emphasize that contact between them must stop immediately.

Everyone here has been through this. The setting is different but the stories and reactions boil down to being very similar. We want you to first get out of adultery and secondly find your pathway to healing.

Sending strength. Believe me you will need it. So sorry you have a reason to be here. It's good, though, that you are here and so soon after discovering the betrayal.

WilliamM posted 12/21/2018 13:34 PM

Has your wife showed regret? I know she has not shown remorse yet. What has she done to help you feel safe?

Edited
Do you believe that the relationship has gone underground? I would suggest a VAR in her car or wherever she goes to talk in private? Bathroom, living room, where ever. But her car for sure.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 1:37 PM, December 21st (Friday)]

1survivor posted 12/21/2018 13:36 PM

Joey , I’m sorry this has happened to you . As others have said tell the OBS. They definitely deserve to know. In my case it allowed me to get a lot of the truth about what happened as the OBS and I were able to put most everything together. It is mind boggling the lies that came out of my wife’s mouth.

tbkjcn posted 12/21/2018 13:37 PM

I will inform his wife as soon as I can get her info.

Do not tell your WW that you plan on doing this. If OM and WW are still in contact, It will only give him a chance to get his story ready. Most likely that you are a crazy, jealous, dangerous husband who sees an affair every time your wife talks to a man. And that she certainly doesn't want to contact you for any more details or proof. You know, because you're so unstable and unpredictable.

And if your WW comes back and accuses you of trying to destroy OM's marriage, well, then you know they're still in contact.

I found that counseling helped me immensely to deal with the fallout of my WW's actions. I'm talking about individual counseling here, not marriage counseling. That's for later, after you decide whether or not you want to reconcile. And after your WW has gotten to the root of her issues through her own IC. Just having a person I could talk to helped me. Reading and posting here amongst people who had been through the same wringer was certainly helpful, but having a real person that I could sit in front of and have conversations with, well.... it got me through some dark times. Find out what your insurance benefits cover, and find a counselor you click with. It may take talking to a couple to find the one who can help you.

GoldenR posted 12/21/2018 14:15 PM

How is she acting now?

Another thing...get rid of anything that they had sex on. She'll say they didn't do it on your bed, BUT REST ASSURED THAT THEY MOST CERTAINLY DID.

If they still work together, they're still having sex. I'd check your bank and your credit card for recent hotel charges. They will also use their cars for sex. Get a VAR, and put it in her car.

Expose, expose, expose, expose. To everyone: her family, your family, his family, their work.

YOU need to be 100% in control of where this relationship with your wife goes from here.

DO NOT follow her around whimpering and asking her why. DO NOT do anything that makes you look weak. It doesn't help and further justifies in her fucked up head why she prefers him over you.

Until you can get your emotions under control, you need to be cold. Yes/no answers, initiate no convos with her, stay in a different room than she is in, move her into a different bedroom.

Most importantly, keep posting here. You'll get the best help there is.

TimSC posted 12/21/2018 14:26 PM

I think the only real regret so far is that she got caught.

She tried to blame it on him working long hours. This is not good. She is blaming her affair on him. Add to that the trickle truth she started out with and it does not seem she is a good candidate for R - at least not yet.

Joey - just to make this clear in my mind - what were they doing when you caught them? If they were having sex in your house, you can be almost sure that they did it in your bed in the past. The reason I asked is that I cannot imagine them having full on sex on the couch when there was even a remote possibility that you would walk in.


Move your wife immediately into a another room. Take some time (a couple of months) to figure out what you want to do.

Some can come back from this and some cannot.

TimSC posted 12/21/2018 14:30 PM

A much younger man showed interest in her and she thought -OH HELL YES!. No thoughts of her husband or what the consequences would be if caught.

Or she just did not care what the consequences would be.

Fbtjax posted 12/21/2018 14:35 PM

I cannot believe that so many of you took the time out of your day to offer advice and try to help me. Thank you , I am overwhelmed at the support you have given me. I am truly greatful.
I have decided to take your advice . I will inform his wife as soon as I can get her info. You are right. She deserves to know.
I will let all know how it plays out.
I am finding TT is just another lie, on another lie on another lie. I wonder if I will ever know the truth.
A “few times” over the last 3 months went to several times to “ once or twice a week “.
I think it may get worse before it gets better but I believe it will get better.
Thank all for being here.....

Sorry you've found yourself here, but you are among friends. The advice provided here is golden.

TT is probably the most painful part of what you're dealing with outside of the actual details of the affair. My wife was the master of TT, only slowly revealing details of her relationship, and only after I confronted her with facts that couldn't be refuted. Every time I found something new, I got the "That's finally all of it." That would last until the next revelation I confronted her with. At some point you have to make a decision as to how much information you need in order to decide your course of action because you're never going to get the entire truth.

I'm glad to see you're going to contact the other BS. They deserve to know. Your wife may just be the tip of the iceberg for this guy. She needs to know what little regard he has for her, and what he has potentially exposed her to.

Like others have already said, get yourself tested for STDs.

Good luck to you. This is a lousy pathway to find yourself on, and it's filled with all sorts of obstacles, potholes, and turns. You'll get through it. Just take care of yourself and ready yourself for a wild ride.

WorstClubEver posted 12/21/2018 15:11 PM

I cannot believe that so many of you took the time out of your day to offer advice and try to help me.
Thank all for being here.....

For me, it is healing to help others who are going through this. It makes me feel like my hard-won lessons are of value for making the world just a slightly better place.

The people here are amazing. I was neck-deep in infidelity by the time I discovered SI. I would have saved myself a lot of pain if I had found it as early as you have.

One quick note: You will find that everyone here wants to help, but sometimes you will get conflicting advice, or comments that seem pushy. Some people really advocate D when there has been infidelity, others really advocate R.

Read their different points of view like you are listening to opposing lawyers in a courtroom. Weigh their arguments, and know that it is 100% your right to choose whatever feels best/wisest to YOU. We are all limited by our point of view and personal experiences--use the variety of both to see the advantages and disadvantages of the different choices in front of you.

You seem like a great guy. I hope your WW will be quick to find her remorse and realize that you were the prize all along.

LivingWithPain posted 12/21/2018 16:54 PM

JoeyP it may take slapping a divorce petition down in front of her to wake her up. Right now she is deep in the fog of her affair, and I would bet it is ongoing.

Do some discreet sleuthing and see what she is up to.

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