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16 years, 2 kids and blindsided

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hdybrh posted 12/31/2018 13:22 PM

Starting writing this last night. 16 years married, two kids, a great life in so many ways and I found out last night that my wife had an affair last year for 4 months with her physical therapist. They had sex four times. First time lots of guilt then slipped back for 3 more until it was over. She was friends with him prior and I knew that she was helping him through some hard times. She clicked with him personally as friends, which I knew about and had mild concern about her texting and having coffee but trusted my wifeÖeven found an email before they hooked up about how I was cool with the friendship.

I saw something odd from a recent Quora topic read of hers (twin flames WTF!?!) tonight in her left open email, asked her about why she was reading about the topic and she came totally clean. Said she fell in love with him before the affair occurred but said she never stopped loving me or wanting to stay married. I recall her casually talking about if people could be polyamorous at the time it occurred. She said a ďfriendĒ at our church was dealing with it and I was suspect at that point, didnít want to know probably. But overall she admits the serious mistake and wants to do whatever it takes to work it out. Has agreed to never contact him again (this actually happened a week ago when he reached back out after a long silence) and wishes 100% that it never happened. She has had a hard few years emotionally as a stay at home mom searching for her identity and purpose. I did not give her the quality time or listening ear she needed, not an excuse, but a cause. She did not give me the affirmation I needed; weíve previously known this was an issue. She had chatted off and on with this person since they broke it off in Jan 18, and just recently after some new contact (nothing physical) totally blocked him on social media etc. The guy is single and has had multiple relationships and has dealt with some mental health issues and the past couple years had a really hard family situation. Part of me wants to naturally reach out to this piece of garbage in anger but I actually have compassion for his situation and know that will only make me feel momentarily better. My wife never thought this would happen to her and didnít seek it out but certainly went for it. She says now that she wishes 100% that it never happened and is very empathetic and distraught. She did get an STD test that was clear about 6 months ago. I remembered the obscure tests in the mail, but thought it was routineÖ Yup, Iím that naÔve.

Weíve had a really good marriage overall and the past few months have been awesome, the best stretch of our 16 years. Great in so many ways (sex, time together, family). We have matured and got past things that were stumbling blocks before in our marriage which may have been inspired by her realizing her mistake, but regardless now Iím sick to my stomach full of emotion and confused and thinking weíre starting over in so many ways. I loved the life we had, she sees the goal to strive to reclaim the intimacy of before and Iím not sure.
I plan to talk 1-2 of my closest friends and to seek counseling, for me first and then possibly together. Iíve told her that she needs to have her own counseling (which sheís doing but hasnít divulged this) to figure out who she is, why this happened and what she wants in life and to be sure that weíre aligned if weíre going to R

Full disclosure was that a few years back I had a similar experience of falling in love with someone for a period of time while still in my heart wanting to stay married and loving my wife. The person I fell for was also married and we both kept boundaries so there was never a risk to me of it going anywhere, but she is and was a dear friend who gave me the emotional support I needed at a hard time. We never verbalized feelings or took actions. We both kept boundaries. Now I look back and love this person as a sister and I have no attraction like beforeÖ so I certainly understood that aspect of what happened with my wife in the love and emotions area but have intense anger about her acting on it and the unmarried guy enabling itÖ So I told her about this tonight by way of understanding in some ways where your heart can go when your marriage is at a tough spot, or when youíre in a tough emotional spot. But I also know that my wife cheated on me at a time that I was at my worst, of course not able to give her what she needed and I needed to lean on her. I had a failing business on the side and real challenges at work. Typical being 40 and wondering my purpose in life. I was losing sleep about our finances and she was awesome for meÖ literally a rock at that time. But she claims it was partially because her friend was so strong for her . And then going off while consoling me to screw him 4 times. (cue nausea)

I donít want a D and nor does she. I donít want dividing assets and limited time with kids. I know I canít have back what I had but I do want what is best for everyone. She does not want a D either and has been emphatic and full of remorse. We donít want to be on our own at this point but see the hill to climb on this one. Through out this sheís asking me what I want, offering support if I needed time apart. Answering every question in teary and specific detail and offering to fix whatever can be fixed and full disclosure. Gave me her email and I have a clear timeline She appears as gutted as I am about this and accountable. Got all the details and theyíre not sugar coated. Also saw plenty in other emails. Delighted to know that the OM was AMAZING in bed but oh donít worry I guess I am too!

So now havenít slept for well over 30 hours, sleepless and numb. Not the time to formulate a game plan! Will take some time to read previous posts as I know Iím not alone and the ones Iíve read have helped. Iím so confused on how to talk to friends (how private should I keep this?) who I can confide in and how much to talk vs. keeping it private. Texted my best two friends this AM and they were awesome. Just got off the phone with one So hard. And man I am so drained and sad. Thank you for reading and in advance for any insight.

BluesPower posted 12/31/2018 13:36 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:10 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Skan posted 12/31/2018 13:51 PM

Hello hdybrh, and welcome. I'm glad that you found us.

Take a deep breath. This is going to be a long haul, so try to take care of yourself. Rest when you can, eat what you can keep down. If you can't keep food down, that's normal get whole nutrition/protein drinks to sip. Stay hydrated but also stay away from booze. It really doesn't help. Treat yourself with great kindness.

Next, please do realize that you rarely get all of the truth at first. Usually you get only what you can prove or see. So don't be surprised if more comes out later. We call that Trickle Truth. The WS (Wayward Spouse, the one who cheats) justifies that by saying that they don't want to hurt you more. In all actuality, it's to help cover their rear ends, because when it DOES come out, it's like being stabbed in the back again.

But overall she admits the serious mistake and wants to do whatever it takes to work it out.

Overall, this wasn't a "mistake." It was a decision that she and she alone made, to choose to be unfaithful to you. Mistakes are when you forget to bring the milk home from the grocery store, not when you made the decision to have sex with someone other than your spouse. Please do not let her (or anyone else, like councilors) minimize what happened. She chose to be unfaithful. period.

I'm going to ask you to do some reading. Please take a look on the Forum page, at the upper left corner, in the yellow box by Dr. Phil. There's a link to The Healing Library there. Start reading. Two very good things in there are the abbreviations that we use (BS, Betrayed Spouse, you), and the 180. The 180 is a good technique for stepping away mentally a bit, to gain some distance to figure out exactly what you need, want, and deserve in a relationship. It's not to bring the Wayward back it's for your benefit alone. Knowledge is power, so start reading voices of experience in the library.

I would like you to think of this as well. A physical therapist is a person who has a unique place of trust for his patients. Vulnerable people see him, hoping for a cure or restoration to health, and they rely on him being professional, honest, and to have his patient's best interests at heart. You're describing a predictor to me in that you state that he's had several relationships and mental issues. Please note that none of this lets your WW off the hook one bit it was her JOB to say no. However, I would urge you to consider getting in touch with his licensing group and reporting him for inappropriate behavior. Just a thought.

Meanwhile, keep posting. We're here for you.

goalong posted 12/31/2018 13:56 PM

Iím sick to my stomach full of emotion and confused and thinking weíre starting over in so many ways.

What has happened has happened. What you have is the present moment, not even the future. So get hold of yourself (difficult I know) and attend to your other responsibilities with even better focus (can talk to doctor to get temporary relief). It will give you a sense of accomplishment in this time of stress and also keep your mind busy productively
Your W is not your support at the moment, surround yourselves with people who care. It is very effective to weather this period and also to get good advise. Never believe or accept that you are responsible in any way for this. No one get 100% from anything. So her way of getting identity and recognition is to get involved with a loser? Tell her that she is much less of a person than before. I think the conman pretend depression etc because it is a good way to rail in women by asking for their help (especially naive women who are looking to "help" someone to feel better about themselves). In the hind side one common theme about BSs is they allow relationships (of their WSs), knowing well that it may lead to cheating. I do not understand why they allow it. I think you also made that mistake.
He involved with a client/patient. He will lose his job if you go through the channels
Other think cheaters lie. Do not believe WW narrative without other evidence

[This message edited by goalong at 2:05 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

Istayed posted 12/31/2018 14:05 PM

Hdybrh,
D-day is hell but youíre going to be OK. Do not make any major decisions now. It took me about 2 weeks to come out of the shock enough to think clearly. Try to rest and eat. I recommend seeing your doctor for medication to help if needed. Keep posting weíre here for you.

Marauder posted 12/31/2018 14:11 PM

My condolescence for how you're forced to start your new years.

First of all. You can't believe what she's saying. Cheaters on average tend to minimize, throw up smoke screens and engage in frantic self preservation. Your wife did not come clean out of her own accord, you found out instead.

She now knows you know, which means there's a good chance she is scrubbing evidence right now. Sanitizing the entire thing. Understand that she isn't devastated this happened but that you found out.

You're right now in a state where you desperately want to believe her, desperately want to think this was a mistake rather than an action she undertook, that this was all there was, no other affairs prior or since whom you never found out about.

The cat is already out of the bag, so taking time in terms of digging through stuff. Past and present. Sadly isn't given anymore. Look back at past events, friendships and questionable behaviour you didn't recognize because you trusted and believed her.

Normaly the advice to wait at least some time before making a decision is given. Take that time.

kaygem posted 12/31/2018 14:12 PM

You cheated, she cheated. Does she know you had an EA? You both need loooong and intensive IC to figure out your crap.

I believe you have hope for R, unless she still claims to have feelings for him then I would't bother even trying. But if you are both remorseful and dig deep to find out your "whys" then I think you can fall in love again and be safe for each other. It IS possible but it's a hard and challenging road.

twisted posted 12/31/2018 14:27 PM

Physical therapist and trainers are know for this. I would doubt any of the facts she present as true, reliable, or complete truths. I've seen too many here that have learned more later after thinking they had all the damaging information. It's extremely rare you get the full story right up front.
It appears she more or less confessed before you found out any details. This makes her version even more suspect. Just be prepared.
Just because you have a few tough times in a marriage is no excuse to have an affair. Don't be so eager to justify her actions as not her fault. They are her fault.
I would be careful about how many people and who you discuss with.

LtCdrLost posted 12/31/2018 14:42 PM

Sir, what you're been told by your deceitful and unfaithful wife is most likely only the tip of the iceberg. "Four times...?" Really? Why would you even consider taking that at face value? She has probably admitted to the very bare minimum she thinks you'll believe. You're at the beginning of a long hard road, and I regret for your sake that you're starting a new year like this.

DIFM posted 12/31/2018 15:12 PM

I did not give her the quality time or listening ear she needed, not an excuse, but a cause.

I realize this may seem to be just semantics, but you have this backwards. Nothing you did or didn't do was a cause for her to let another man have sex with her, though she may have used it as an excuse to feel ok about doing just that. Nothing you did was any cause for her choices.

She is the sole owner of the cause of her cheating.

Krieger posted 12/31/2018 15:23 PM

If they had sex will she was a patient, this is a violation of most state regulations. The national physical therapist association rules require that no therapist will have sexual relations with a client whether it is consensual or not. Turn this letch in to the state board, he is probably taking advantage of other clients as well.

Marriagesucks posted 12/31/2018 15:28 PM

She was friends with him prior and I knew that she was helping him through some hard times.
How do you know for sure the OM is not married? Because your wife told you? At this point you can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth unless you personally verify it. You will find out there is more. There always is.

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/31/2018 15:32 PM

The things that she told you are based on the truth, but only part of the story. If I was having an affair for "4 months" (double that) and had sex only "4 times" (times that by 8). hell that is a pretty lame affair. Sounds like my marriage towards the end. They much more sex than she is telling you.

If you report the therapist to his employer (without telling her) and licensing board she will hear from him about it immediately and her reaction towards you will tell it all. The chance that your wife being his first or only side piece is about 10% .

Do you have access to her phone? Which most likely has been wiped clean because "it was acting up"

Are you ready to find the other 80% of the true story or satisfied with her sanitized version?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:34 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

Marauder posted 12/31/2018 15:39 PM

You cheated, she cheated. Does she know you had an EA?

He didn't cheat. He had an infatuation he became aware of and curb. Equating that with a long standing physical and emotional affair he found out about on his own is ridiculous.

Marriagesucks posted 12/31/2018 15:49 PM

Also saw plenty in other emails. Delighted to know that the OM was AMAZING in bed
I read this and it doesn't sound like 'just 4 times' is the truth. Keep digging.

numb&dumb posted 12/31/2018 15:50 PM

But she claims it was partially because her friend was so strong for her .

Be careful this is dangerously close to minimizing what she did. She may see it that way, but it is just a lie she told herself to alleviate her guilt.

I'd hold off on MC now and both attend individual therapy.

You are still in shock and the emotions that come after are not pretty.

Also see your Doc about sleeping he may be able to give you something. Keep reading and posting.

Butforthegrace posted 12/31/2018 16:24 PM

Two statements jump out at me from your post:

But overall she admits the serious mistake and wants to do whatever it takes to work it out.

I donít want a D and nor does she.

First, this was not a mistake. A mistake is like accidentally adding baking soda to a cake when you intended to add baking powder. A sexual affair is a series of conscious decisions, culminating in a decision to take off her panties and allow another man to put his dick inside her. Do not let her get away with dismissing her decision to engage in that act as a "mistake". It was a choice, and in so choosing, she also chose all of the consequences that she now faces.

Second, it is way to early to not want a D, or want one. Weeks after discovering an ongoing, active A that she was intentionally concealing from you, and lying to you about, for somewhere in the vicinity of 18 months. Let's be clear. They were in contact when you discovered the A. The A was still in place and actively ongoing. Given what we know about WW's normally doing everything they can to minimize the magnitude of their betrayal, and the fact that she was actively lying to you about it and concealing it from you until you discovered it by happenstance, it is likely the betrayal was larger and more prolonged than you suspect.

The first thing you should to is give yourself time to find your heart's truth. Go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page), and read about The 180. This is not a punishment or gambit. This is a way to give yourself space, to find your heart's truth.

Good luck.

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/31/2018 16:26 PM

She appears as gutted as I am about this and accountable.

In different ways. To you it is brand new, to her this affair and her feelings for OM have been part of life for a long time, after all she admits she was/is in love with him, oh and you too!

You are gutted because you just found out about it and just met this side of your wife.

She is gutted because you just found out about her secret.

beenthereinco posted 12/31/2018 16:26 PM

my wife had an affair last year for 4 months with her physical therapist

This POS should not be in this job. You really should report him to his employer and the state licensing board. I'd ask his employer for any money that I paid for his "treatment" to be refunded to me unless they want you to pursue them for promoting prostitution. I mean that's what they did right?

Seriously he should be reported. This is not the career for him if he can't respect that therapist/patient boundary. Do the world a favor and report him.

survrus posted 12/31/2018 16:37 PM

The OM must be exposed first to his Wife or SO.

Then professionally he must be driven out of the business as he is unfit for a position of trust and responsibility.

Gather together the contact information for the OMs Wife, parents, grand parent, employer, profession associations, facebook, linkedin, church, etc.

All at once send emails, messages whatever to everyone. Don't warn or threaten do it all at once and massively.

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